What should I do???? Insecure

foolish

I met my boyfriend a year ago. He had finished a 6 year relationship a few months previously. They had split up about 4 times during their relationship so he was ready to meet someone when he met me and has said that subsequently. We have had a wonderful time since we’ve met – travelled together, done things together, generally enjoyed each other’s company. We spent Christmas morning together. It’s clear that we’re both good for each other & have enriched each other’s lives. He’s met my friends & members of my family & vice versa. He’s also had a lot of stress due to work & family illness in the last while and has said that I’ve been very supportive. I’ve grown to have very strong feelings for him – I know it’s a cliché but I really think that he’s the person I’ve been waiting to meet all my life (I’m 39 & have had 2 long –term relationships). He’s 45.

We’re both mature people so neither of us are ‘needy’ emotionally but sometimes, you need a bit of affirmation. Now, here’s where I’m beginning to feel insecure. It’s hardly ever come up that we talk about the future but once or twice it has. Things are generally very light-hearted between us. He hasn’t told me he loves me (I’ve said it to him when I was drunk but I meant it).
He’s said to me, ‘let’s see where the road takes us.’ Two nights ago, it came to a head. I’ve asked him to be honest with me & he’s told me he would be, that I didn’t want to be lead up the garden path; that I’d prefer to be let down now than at a later stage. The thing is, I’m terrified that he may decide that he doesn’t love me. He said ‘ask me in a year’s time. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again.’ I obviously was a bit taken aback by this & suggested that maybe we should then think about things. He got annoyed & felt this was completely out of the blue, that he thought everything was alright & that he missed me when I wasn’t around and that everything was a risk and I said that I’d wait for him. Am I just being stupid? He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. This latest conversation has just made me feel so unsure about things. What should I do? Any advice would be gratefully received.

Peggypeg

You're with a man that's completely emotionally unavailable. To be completely straight with you here, you're flogging a dead horse. Google "emotionally unavailable" and read up on it and you'll see why. You should also look into co-dependancy too, sounds like you have a bad case of it. I would go to a councellor also if I were you, to find out why you feel you deserve so little from someone you love. Also you are NOT insecure, there is just no way ANYONE could feel secure in the relationship you've just described.

My heart goes out to you.
Best of luck.

MissyN

foolish wrote: »

We’re both mature people so neither of us are ‘needy’ emotionally but sometimes, you need a bit of affirmation. Now, here’s where I’m beginning to feel insecure.

Its perfectly normal that you would like to feel that you are with someone who feels the same way as you. You're only human.

foolish wrote: »

He’s said to me, ‘let’s see where the road takes us.’

That would freak me out completely. Its quite dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings and the time that you've already put into this relationship. I'm surprised someone of his age would say something like this as if he's 20 years old.

foolish wrote: »

He said ‘ask me in a year’s time. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again.’

This is like major alarm bells going off OP. So he's basically saying he doesn't love you. Is that ok with you at this point?

The heart can be such a pain in the ass. It completely blinds us of whats right in front of us. If a good friend of yours told you this, what would you tell her to do? You have to be able to take a good step back and be extremely respectful of yourself and think is this good enough for you.

As far as you're concerned you've had great times together and connected and all the family and friend stuff so this should be super love time.

foolish wrote: »

he missed me when I wasn’t around

is that the best he can do?? its not great is it OP??

Maybe take some time apart and try to clear your head and assess the situation with more clarity. In your gut you know yourself if this is acceptable or not.

But please don't stay with this guy rather than be alone. Its not good enough for you.

LegacyUser

Hi
I had to reply to you when I read this...

This could be my last relationship... I am your age and was with guy in his 40's. We, like you got on so well and were part of each others life.... He told me he loved me, we went on holiday, took up interests together, got on etc etc.

I had those conversations about where we are going and I felt the response was often a bit vague and we never talked about where this could go. When I pushed the conversation I always ended up feeling insecure and so the doubt and confusion continued.

We ended the relationship as he couldnt commit and I wanted more. It was so hard at the time as I was so hopeful that this relationship would have worked, but I know it was for the best as I hated that insecure feeling and making excuses for the relationship.

Be clear about what you want and put yourself first. Please realise that if he was the best thing that ever happened to you (as you say), then you wouldn't be feeling like this. I would agree with the comment about counselling... I went for a couple of months after the relationship ended and found it so helpful. I became clearer about my own needs and more confident about meeting someone else.

Good luck

foolish

Thanks for all the replies to this. I met him the other night & he said to me that he thought everything was alright, that he was committed to me (!), that we were on the same trajectory but that we were at stages on it (i.e. I was a bit ahead of him), that he didn't want things to end with me, that he cared about me so much & thought about me all the time. And he's been in touch since then with uncharacteristically affectionate texts, wanting to see me, etc........Hmmmmmmm. I'm just wondering if I've been making a mountain out of a mole hill out of all of this? Whether I should be relaxing a bit more? Is this just a case of rushing ahead emotionally?

MissyN

foolish wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies to this. I met him the other night & he said to me that he thought everything was alright, that he was committed to me (!), that we were on the same trajectory but that we were at stages on it (i.e. I was a bit ahead of him), that he didn't want things to end with me, that he cared about me so much & thought about me all the time. And he's been in touch since then with uncharacteristically affectionate texts, wanting to see me, etc........Hmmmmmmm. I'm just wondering if I've been making a mountain out of a mole hill out of all of this? Whether I should be relaxing a bit more? Is this just a case of rushing ahead emotionally?

Well its been a year and you guys aren't teenagers so I wouldn't say thats rushing. Its good that hes been more attentive though so maybe you've given him a good kick up the backside.

You have to go with your gut and don't second guess yourself if you feel that somethings not right.

I'm just wondering now are you convincing yourself that you were just being 'foolish' and really hes a great guy and you're just lucky to have someone.