Girlfriend Pregnant

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 9:06am #1

Hi All,
Going Anon for this.
Found out yesterday my GF of is pregnant, we aren't together that long. We took the Clear Blue digital test yesterday morning and confirmed. Now neither of us want it (we are both early 30's) as we can't afford it and it's not on either of our radars to have children.
We talked and we decided on a termination. I made all the arrangements yesterday, as she didn't want to talk to clinic, to go the UK next week.
We are both fine with this, no problem in any way, we are getting the medical termination that involves 2 pills.
I suppose I am worried after reading a few sites of how it will affect our relationship. Now I love her more than anything in the world. I am totally committed to her and whatever she wanted to do I would of stood by her.
Really just wondering if anything like this has happend to fellow boardsies and what was the outcome on your relationship??
Thanks

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 1:38pm

My partner and I went through this last year (both in early 30s). We had only been together a few months when I fell pregnant. He was out of work at the time, my job was on thin ice (and I was made redundant a few months later) and that was the decision that we made. I had a surgical termination around this time last year and to be honest it has not harmed our relatioship in anyway...in fact it binds us closer together that we faced it together and came through the other side. It certainly wasn't easy...for a good while my emotions were all over the place and he didn't know how to help me. The due date would have been early January, so the holidays weren't an easy time. Then within weeks a friend fell pregnant so that shook me as well.

My worry before going through with it was that he would see me differently, though that's not been the case thankfully. My advice would be to be patient...both of your moods may change wildly over the following months or longer. I went from basically just getting on with my life immediately following the procedure to having bouts of crying for a few weeks this summer, to being fine again, to not being fine again. My boyfriend stood by me through it all. Listen to her if she wants to talk, or just in general try to be responsive to what she needs...sometimes I didn't want him to hold me, sometimes that's all I needed. Again--no method to the emotions!

Every situation/couple is different, so not sure what your experience will be. Hope this is the best decision for you (it was the best decision for us no question) and that you two will pull through it together.

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 1:50pm

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it certainly isn´t an easy one. I had an abortion myself 2 years ago. Just like your girlfriend, I didn´t want a child and decided to have a termination.

In my opinion a relationship can survive this but only if you are a 100% certain of your decision. If she regrets her decision later on this could potentially drive a wegde between the two of you, however that usually happens when the woman is pushed by her partner to make that choice.

If the two of you are absolutely certain of your decison, your relationship will survive. If she ever feels the need to talk about it, let her. Support her wherever you can and be careful next time.

Benincasa · 19-04-2010 1:59pm

Hi OP: I really sympathise with your situation.

It is a hard one.

You say that you will stand by her whatever she decides? Have you actually told her this? I mean, have you told her explicitly, if you want to keep this child, I will support you?

Apparently a lot of women go through with abortions because they think that they'll lose their boyfriend if they don't. They want the man to tell them that they'll stand by them. Just telling her "I'll stand by your decision" may not be enough, you need to say "I'll stand by you if you have this baby". You know, she may just be waiting to hear you say that.

Good luck!

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 2:34pm

AFAIK It is against the law to advocate or encourage abortion in Ireland so posters should be careful of their responses.

OP - Noone can really tell you how it will affect your relationship. It all depends on the two of you and how honest you are being with yourselves and each other about the termination. I would be concerned that your gf is not as sure as you are due to fact that she could not make the arrangements herself. That indicates to me that she isn't too sure about this. Has she even seen a doctor yet? That would be the first thing to do. Home kits can be wrong you know.

kjl · 19-04-2010 3:19pm

Well, sorry if having the baby is not convenient, but really abortion should be an absolute last resort, not a source of contraception. You are both in your 30's and you feel you can have a baby, I call baloney. Social welfare would easily help you out if it was the case that you didn't have enough money to support the child. You say you love your GF to bits, then why not want to have your love child?

I think that as you only found out this news yesterday, I would give it time to settle, you don't seem to have considered the consequences at all. You seem to me to be rushing into this situation without any though to moral or psychological consequence.

My personal feeling would be to wait one month and see how you feel. Talk to her about it, and I don't just mean a quick yeah book the clinic talk, I mean a proper talk. She may feel like she doesn't want the child now, but that could be the initial shock. I know a few girls who have had premature abortions and went on to really regret it. Oh and last thing, its 100% her decision, so don't you pressure here either way.

KittyeeTrix · 19-04-2010 3:19pm

Hi OP

Do make absolutely sure she knows that you will stand by her no matter what she decides.....
Leave money and all that other irrelevant stuff out of the talk, just talk about the pregnancy. I only say this because if you say to her that you'll stand by her but then start talking about money and other issues, she will think you don't mean really mean that you would stand by her.
She may very well go through with the abortion and then deep down resent you for it!!

Best of luck

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 4:04pm

Firstly thank you for your responses.
I have told her explicity that I will stand by her if she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Secondly I am not using abortion as any form of contraception at all. Neither of us wants a child full stop. We have thought about the consequences all of them.
I'm not looking for a moral thing here wether abortion is right or wrong. I was looking for peoples personal experiences of going through with a thing as important as a termination. Particularly from the man's side.
She is sure that she doesn't want to have a child as we have talked about it again since yesterday morning, at length. This is the best option for us.
I would like to thank the posters thinkwell and summer_me. I know it's no easy to talk about stuff like this but I really do appreicate it.
We are 100% sure that this is what both want.
Thanks again for all of your inputs.

Jessica-Rabbit · 19-04-2010 5:16pm

kjl wrote: »

Well, sorry if having the baby is not convenient, but really abortion should be an absolute last resort, not a source of contraception. You are both in your 30's and you feel you can have a baby, I call baloney. Social welfare would easily help you out if it was the case that you didn't have enough money to support the child. You say you love your GF to bits, then why not want to have your love child?

I think that as you only found out this news yesterday, I would give it time to settle, you don't seem to have considered the consequences at all. You seem to me to be rushing into this situation without any though to moral or psychological consequence.

My personal feeling would be to wait one month and see how you feel. Talk to her about it, and I don't just mean a quick yeah book the clinic talk, I mean a proper talk. She may feel like she doesn't want the child now, but that could be the initial shock. I know a few girls who have had premature abortions and went on to really regret it. Oh and last thing, its 100% her decision, so don't you pressure here either way.

I have to say that I am infuriated by your post.. it is compelely irrevellant that they are in their 30's.. they are not ready for a baby and thats it!!!!!
Do u have any understanding what it would be like to bring a child into the world whereby you can not support it emotionally and financially.. there is only so much social welfare can do and some people dont want to rely on them.. they want to have a decent standard of living and bing a child into the world when they can support it.. there is nothing worse that wanting to bring a baby into the world that you dont want.. now i understand you are entitled to your opinion but the OP's gf has made her decision and you have no right what so ever to argue with the OP or insult there decison and futher more if his gf went ahead and had the baby it could put a strain on their reationship leading to her being a single parent with little or no money to raise the child

Jessica-Rabbit · 19-04-2010 5:18pm

worried_male wrote: »

Firstly thank you for your responses.
I have told her explicity that I will stand by her if she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Secondly I am not using abortion as any form of contraception at all. Neither of us wants a child full stop. We have thought about the consequences all of them.
I'm not looking for a moral thing here wether abortion is right or wrong. I was looking for peoples personal experiences of going through with a thing as important as a termination. Particularly from the man's side.
She is sure that she doesn't want to have a child as we have talked about it again since yesterday morning, at length. This is the best option for us.
I would like to thank the posters thinkwell and summer_me. I know it's no easy to talk about stuff like this but I really do appreicate it.
We are 100% sure that this is what both want.
Thanks again for all of your inputs.

OP i wish you the very best of luck and I hope everything goes well for both of you. I understand it is not an easy choice to make but only you and your gf know if its the right choice

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 5:29pm

Jessica-Rabbit wrote: »

I have to say that I am infuriated by your post.. it is compelely irrevellant that they are in their 30's.. they are not ready for a baby and thats it!!!!!
Do u have any understanding what it would be like to bring a child into the world whereby you can not support it emotionally and financially.. there is only so much social welfare can do and some people dont want to rely on them.. they want to have a decent standard of living and bing a child into the world when they can support it.. there is nothing worse that wanting to bring a baby into the world that you dont want.. now i understand you are entitled to your opinion but the OP's gf has made her decision and you have no right what so ever to argue with the OP or insult there decison and futher more if his gf went ahead and had the baby it could put a strain on their reationship leading to her being a single parent with little or no money to raise the child

Their age is not irrelevant. It goes towards their maturity. The op and his girlfriend have clearly made a knee-jerk decision to the news and kjl was suggesting that they take the time to think about it and its effects on them. A few days is not a sufficient time frame to make this decision. Especially without visiting a doctor. An abortion is just as likely to put a strain on a relationship than a child.

Jessica-Rabbit · 19-04-2010 5:32pm

k_mac wrote: »

Their age is not irrelevant. It goes towards their maturity. The op and his girlfriend have clearly made a knee-jerk decision to the news and kjl was suggesting that they take the time to think about it and its effects on them. A few days is not a sufficient time frame to make this decision. Especially without visiting a doctor. An abortion is just as likely to put a strain on a relationship than a child.

well i think that they are mature enough to know that this is the right choice for them.. also the long they wait they futher along the pregancy will go and it may be more difficult to preform the abortion.. plus the risks involved could be higher.. an aboration dose not always put a strain on the realtionship if they both are aware that this is what they want to do and there is no pressure on either side

dudara · 19-04-2010 5:32pm

Posters - there will only be one warning on this thread about restraint. Please contain your emotions when replying. The topic of abortion is not up for discussion here.

dudara

shellyboo · 19-04-2010 5:36pm

k_mac wrote: »

Their age is not irrelevant. It goes towards their maturity. The op and his girlfriend have clearly made a knee-jerk decision to the news and kjl was suggesting that they take the time to think about it and its effects on them. A few days is not a sufficient time frame to make this decision. Especially without visiting a doctor. An abortion is just as likely to put a strain on a relationship than a child.

Clearly a knee jerk decision? How do you know that? How do you know this wasn't discussed at length prior to the pregnancy? I know I've discussed it with my boyfriend just in case the situation arises, and we know where we both stand on the issue.

Guilt tripping the OP is not going do him much good - the decision is made. They will both receive plenty of advice and counselling at the clinic, and will have ample opportunity to rethink right up until the moment she takes the pills. Delaying only confuses the situation and makes it harder on the OP's girlfriend - it's the difference between a full-scale operation and a relatively simple procedure.

OP, I feel for you both and I'm glad you're both happy with the decision you've made. Luckily, I've never been in your situation, but I imagine the aftermath will be like any other crisis - if you're open and honest with eachother and aware that it will place strain on the relationship, that's the best you can do. Make allowances for second thoughts, regrets, guilt and anguish... but stay strong and supportive for eachother as well. Best of luck.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 5:40pm

shellyboo wrote: »

Clearly a knee jerk decision? How do you know that? How do you know this wasn't discussed at length prior to the pregnancy? I know I've discussed it with my boyfriend just in case the situation arises, and we know where we both stand on the issue.

He says they haven't been together long and only found out yesterday about the pregnancy.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 5:42pm

Jessica-Rabbit wrote: »

well i think that they are mature enough to know that this is the right choice for them.. also the long they wait they futher along the pregancy will go and it may be more difficult to preform the abortion.. plus the risks involved could be higher.. an aboration dose not always put a strain on the realtionship if they both are aware that this is what they want to do and there is no pressure on either side

I agree. I just think they should take some time so they are sure. More than a day. And also visit a doctor. If even to confirm the pregnancy.

Ickle Magoo · 19-04-2010 5:47pm

k_mac wrote: »

He says they haven't been together long and only found out yesterday about the pregnancy.

It doesn't take a month to realise you really don't want a baby.

Op,

My only advice would be to keep talking - make sure resentments or worries don't fester. Keep the lines of communication open, best of luck.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 5:52pm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It doesn't take a month to realise you really don't want a baby.

Op,

My only advice would be to keep talking - make sure resentments or worries don't fester. Keep the lines of communication open, best of luck.

I would think it would be unusual for a couple going out for one month to have had a proper conversation having children together.

Ickle Magoo · 19-04-2010 5:55pm

k_mac wrote: »

I would think it would be unusual for a couple going out for one month to have had a proper conversation having children together.

Regardless, they are both old enough to know if they as individuals want to become parents.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 5:58pm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Regardless, they are both old enough to know if they as individuals want to become parents.

But they aren't individuals in this situation. They are a couple and they need to decide as a couple. I don't really see why we're arguing. We seem to be giving the same advice anyway.

shellyboo · 19-04-2010 6:00pm

k_mac wrote: »

He says they haven't been together long and only found out yesterday about the pregnancy.

And? I've been with my boyfriend a couple of months, yet I know what I'd do if I got pregnant.

Again, guilting him about making the wrong decision is not helpful, and not, in fact, what he was asking for.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 6:03pm

shellyboo wrote: »

And? I've been with my boyfriend a couple of months, yet I know what I'd do if I got pregnant.

Again, guilting him about making the wrong decision is not helpful, and not, in fact, what he was asking for.

I'm not guilting anyone. I said to take time to think about it and see a doctor.

Ickle Magoo · 19-04-2010 6:23pm

k_mac wrote: »

But they aren't individuals in this situation. They are a couple and they need to decide as a couple. I don't really see why we're arguing. We seem to be giving the same advice anyway.

They haven't been going out very long, do you think if he wanted the child and she didn't that she would have it? They may discuss as a couple but it's a bit far fetched in a fledgling relationship to think the decision is 50-50. The difference of opinion came about by your suggesting that an abortion is likely to affect them to the same magnitude as a child! :eek:

I think by the time people are in their thirties they are well aware of their options and what they would do if such a situation arose, it doesn't take much thinking about.

Maria G · 19-04-2010 6:24pm

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to read what you're going through. I can't offer any direct advice for your situation, as I haven't been in your shoes, but it is very close to what I saw happen to good friends of mine. My friend Sarah found out she was pregnant two years ago, and she and her boyfriend headed over to the UK for an abortion around Christmas. They were in their mid-twenties and felt they couldn't cope with a baby. Apart from their bad experience with the clinic (Sarah felt they were too flippant about her situation), the abortion itself has left her struggling with depression ever since. She's been diagnosed with post-abortion trauma (something similar to PTSD). This is something I hadn't heard of before, but apparently the majority of women who go through an abortion suffer this to some degree. For Sarah it meant a deep feeling of loss, regret, self-harming and suicidal thoughts. This is something neither of them foresaw, as they felt it was their only decision at the time.

Regarding their relationship, she and Andrew are still together, and he has supported her through this, but sadly it's a source of pain for both of them still.

It's clear you love your girlfriend, and want to do what's best for her. Going through the pregnancy might seem like an impossible option now, but there's a good chance that in nine months time you'll both feel differently. I know quite a few women who've regretted their abortions, but not a single one who regretted keeping the baby.

On another note, the waiting list for couples looking to adopt is up to 8 years here in Ireland. This could be worth exploring just to make sure you've exhausted all the options. <snip>

kjl · 19-04-2010 6:33pm

Shelly, talking about something hypothetically and in reality are two very different things. If someone is that concerned about an absolute detest for having children then they should be extra careful when having sex. It sounds to me like the OP is immature. There is no way in hell you would know after one day what you want in this life and making snappy decisions like this can ruin peoples life.

No offence to anyone here, but most people are idiots and don't know what they want, why do you think tattoo removal clinics exist? I understand that having a baby is a massive responsibility, but its one that you have to accept. The OP GF isn't 16, she is an adult, they way they are talking so blasé about something so serious is a joke.

Yes, I don't deny that I am against abortion, but I do believe it can be used in extreme cases, and not as another form of contraception.

Mainly my point is that you barely know your pregnant and you want to get rid of it, grow up and spend some time making such a serious decision.

kjl · 19-04-2010 6:37pm

Maria G wrote: »

I know quite a few women who've regretted their abortions, but not a single one who regretted keeping the baby.

best point made here.

Ickle Magoo · 19-04-2010 6:39pm

I fail to see what maturity has to do with being sure you don't want to be a parent. I think it's completely condescending to treat a grown man in his 30's who has categorically stated they have made their decision and has asked only for relevant advice to be told to grow up and infer the longer they think about it they would change their minds and they are using abortion as a contraceptive. :mad:

fatmammycat · 19-04-2010 6:46pm

Maria G wrote: »

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to read what you're going through. I can't offer any direct advice for your situation, as I haven't been in your shoes, but it is very close to what I saw happen to good friends of mine. My friend Sarah found out she was pregnant two years ago, and she and her boyfriend headed over to the UK for an abortion around Christmas. They were in their mid-twenties and felt they couldn't cope with a baby. Apart from their bad experience with the clinic (Sarah felt they were too flippant about her situation), the abortion itself has left her struggling with depression ever since. She's been diagnosed with post-abortion trauma (something similar to PTSD). This is something I hadn't heard of before, but apparently the majority of women who go through an abortion suffer this to some degree. For Sarah it meant a deep feeling of loss, regret, self-harming and suicidal thoughts. This is something neither of them foresaw, as they felt it was their only decision at the time.

Regarding their relationship, she and Andrew are still together, and he has supported her through this, but sadly it's a source of pain for both of them still.

It's clear you love your girlfriend, and want to do what's best for her. Going through the pregnancy might seem like an impossible option now, but there's a good chance that in nine months time you'll both feel differently. I know quite a few women who've regretted their abortions, but not a single one who regretted keeping the baby.

On another note, the waiting list for couples looking to adopt is up to 8 years here in Ireland. This could be worth exploring just to make sure you've exhausted all the options. The folks at Life should be able to give you more info (1850 281 281).

I know more than one woman who has NEVER regretted having an abortion. Yay for anecdotal stories!
OP do what is right for you and your partner. Anything else is folly.

John Mason · 19-04-2010 6:50pm

Maria G wrote: »

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to read what you're going through. I can't offer any direct advice for your situation, as I haven't been in your shoes, but it is very close to what I saw happen to good friends of mine. My friend Sarah found out she was pregnant two years ago, and she and her boyfriend headed over to the UK for an abortion around Christmas. They were in their mid-twenties and felt they couldn't cope with a baby. Apart from their bad experience with the clinic (Sarah felt they were too flippant about her situation), the abortion itself has left her struggling with depression ever since. She's been diagnosed with post-abortion trauma (something similar to PTSD). This is something I hadn't heard of before, but apparently the majority of women who go through an abortion suffer this to some degree. For Sarah it meant a deep feeling of loss, regret, self-harming and suicidal thoughts. This is something neither of them foresaw, as they felt it was their only decision at the time.

Regarding their relationship, she and Andrew are still together, and he has supported her through this, but sadly it's a source of pain for both of them still.

It's clear you love your girlfriend, and want to do what's best for her. Going through the pregnancy might seem like an impossible option now, but there's a good chance that in nine months time you'll both feel differently. I know quite a few women who've regretted their abortions, but not a single one who regretted keeping the baby.

On another note, the waiting list for couples looking to adopt is up to 8 years here in Ireland. This could be worth exploring just to make sure you've exhausted all the options. The folks at Life should be able to give you more info (1850 281 281).

i know many people who do not regret having an abortion and i know a lot of people have had abortions (I am not saying that people dont regret it)

scaremonging isnt going to help the OP. him and gf have made their decision.

OP, best of luck with everything - my heart goes out to you.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 6:55pm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I fail to see what maturity has to do with being sure you don't want to be a parent. I think it's completely condescending to treat a grown man in his 30's who has categorically stated they have made their decision and has asked only for relevant advice to be told to grow up and infer the longer they think about it they would change their minds and they are using abortion as a contraceptive. :mad:

The fact that he started this thread shows he is not 100% sure. Coupled with the fact that they haven't seen a doctor it does show a lack of maturity.

fatmammycat · 19-04-2010 6:58pm

He started the thread to get opinions of people who have gone through an abortion and how it affected their relationship, not to have anti-choice people calling him immature and demanding he rethink his AND his girlfriend's decision.

Andy-Pandy · 19-04-2010 7:00pm

k_mac wrote: »

The fact that he started this thread shows he is not 100% sure. Coupled with the fact that they haven't seen a doctor it does show a lack of maturity.

Dont see that, Its something ya need to get off your chest, whats better than talking randomly to people on the internet that you will never know. Do what ya gotta do op, just make sure your 100% and support your girlfriend everystep of the way. Thats all, we, as blokes can do in these situations.

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 7:02pm

fatmammycat wrote: »

He started the thread to get opinions of people who have gone through an abortion and how it affected their relationship, not to have anti-choice people calling him immature and demanding he rethink his AND his girlfriend's decision.

Thats the point. Noone here can advise him on that. Every relationship is different. I think he was just looking for support to make him feel better about his decision.

fatmammycat · 19-04-2010 7:05pm

It's still HIS decision, his and his girlfriend's. He didn't ask if we think he should do it or not.

dudara · 19-04-2010 7:05pm

posters, stop bickering and dragging this thread off-topic. Stick to the OP's request

dudara

OP, the only piece of advice I'd offer is to talk, talk and then talk some more. Be as sure as you can about your decision, whatever it may be,

Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 7:23pm

You know OP, you will get the pro and anti aborition people replying, but if you could read the next few sentences, you will get my two hapence worth.

I have a 6yr old son. I have never, ever for a second, regretted having him. I knew, when I was six weeks pregnant, that I would be parenting alone. Yes it has been the toughest 6yrs of my life, but honestly, with the sleepless nights and the lonliness and the sadness of being a person who is parening alone, I have never regretted it.
And then I got back with an ex boyfriend 2yrs ago. And I got pregnant again. And I just knew that time that I couldnt have a baby. I just knew. So at 8 wks I had a termination.
You dont often hear about women like me. Women who honestly havent regretted their decisions. I have never regretted not having that child. If I had had that child, my 6yr old would be in care..that is not an exaggeration. I wouldnt and couldnt have coped with another child at that point in my life.
So OP, if your gf does not want a baby, then I would support her decision. I cant speak from your perspective unfortunately, but I can tell you that there are many women who do not regret having a termination. And I am one of them.

Caliden · 19-04-2010 7:36pm

k_mac wrote: »

Thats the point. Noone here can advise him on that. Every relationship is different. I think he was just looking for support to make him feel better about his decision.

if you used this opinion for every relationship thread there wouldn't be a lot of advice given out....there is always generic advice.

If you don't have advice for the OP on what he can expect or how he and his girlfriend can get passed the termination the best then what there's no reason for you to post your opinion on abortion.
Mods have already asked for it to stop yet you continue to ramble on :rolleyes:

MagicSean · 19-04-2010 7:45pm

Caliden wrote: »

if you used this opinion for every relationship thread there wouldn't be a lot of advice given out....there is always generic advice.

If you don't have advice for the OP on what he can expect or how he and his girlfriend can get passed the termination the best then what there's no reason for you to post your opinion on abortion.
Mods have already asked for it to stop yet you continue to ramble on :rolleyes:

First of all I din't post anything since Dudaras post so I don't know what rambling you are talking about. And I don't know what is wrong with my advice to see a doctor and take a little time to make the decision.

dudara · 19-04-2010 7:51pm

Caliden - leave the modding to the mods please.

dudara

Caliden · 19-04-2010 7:59pm

k_mac wrote: »

First of all I din't post anything since Dudaras post so I don't know what rambling you are talking about. And I don't know what is wrong with my advice to see a doctor and take a little time to make the decision.

OP & his GF have already made their decision though and his question was:

"Really just wondering if anything like this has happend to fellow boardsies and what was the outcome on your relationship??"

tenchi-fan · 19-04-2010 8:07pm

You really don't know how this will affect your relationship over the long term. She might end up resenting you especially if she is unable to have kids in future.
relationship counselling might be a good idea. take a bit of time to think.

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 8:47pm

Hi all again,

Thank you again all for your posts. I basically was just looking for users experiences if they had been through it. We are still 100% sure that we are making the correct decision of that there is no doubt. I know that a few of you correct and we will be talking, talking, talking, up to during and after the termination.
Thank you all again you have been very helpful to me.
Oh by the way we are going out approx 6months!

Jessica-Rabbit · 19-04-2010 9:37pm

worried_male wrote: »

Hi all again,

Thank you again all for your posts. I basically was just looking for users experiences if they had been through it. We are still 100% sure that we are making the correct decision of that there is no doubt. I know that a few of you correct and we will be talking, talking, talking, up to during and after the termination.
Thank you all again you have been very helpful to me.
Oh by the way we are going out approx 6months!

They offer councling serivces after the procedure in Ireland so if you and your gf feel like getting in touch with someone you can always try them as they offer free and non judgemental advice and help

Jessica-Rabbit · 19-04-2010 9:52pm

Jessica-Rabbit wrote: »

They offer councling serivces after the procedure in Ireland so if you and your gf feel like getting in touch with someone you can always try them as they offer free and non judgemental advice and help so if you and your gf have any issues after at least you will be in the hands of professionals who can give you the advice you need. From reading your posts you seem to be very loving and attentive to your gf and Im sure if our support continues your reationship will get closer after this

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 10:01pm

hi op. i had a termination last year, and like summer_me i went throught months afterwards of being fine and getting on with my life... then it hit me... hard. I had random bouts of crying, couldn't stand being around my best friend when she got pregnant and had her baby. i avoided her like the plague for months.
me and my BF broke up for 4 months and got back together. we're still together now but it's very rocky because i did find myself depressed and resenting him (and still do sometimes). he didn't push me into it but i thought that him being so vocal about not wanting a baby indirectly pushed me towards it.
i know that may sound stupid but that's how i felt.
Ickle_magoo i don't know if you've ever been through this situation but you are coming across as very flippant... this is not a cut and dried decision. If you'd been through it yourself you'd know.
And yes, it does take one month or more even, to decide on this type of thing.

KittyeeTrix · 19-04-2010 10:22pm

The way I see it is fairly simple....

You seem very set in yer opinion that ye definitely don't want kids, well then fair enough head for the abortion.....

You can ask about peoples relationships after and you will get a hundred and one different answers.

I can understand where klj is coming from in that I was too wondering if ye were making a knee jerk response to the prospect of pregnancy but you've made it quite clear that you aren't so best of luck with yer decision

LegacyUser · 19-04-2010 10:47pm

Op:

Was in a similar situation to yours, though we were together nearly 2 years and living together. When my GF got pregnant we made the decision quite quickly, and everything went smoothly with the operation in England. First there was a lot of relief, and we were really happy but after a while my GF started acting a bit strange, she got very introverted especially at family events with children and sometimes when I’d come home I’d find her in her room crying. I was completely unaffected by the experience of the abortion, but she ended up having to go to counselling after about and year and a half. I stood by her the whole time, but the relationship just couldn’t work anymore; deep down I think she was resentful towards me for some reason.

Well, we split up, and now I’m married to someone else. The weird thing is, I never regretted the abortion until last year. My wife and I can’t have babies, and we are trying to adopt, but we will have to try to get a baby from another country as there are no Irish babies for adoption, and it will probably take years and even then we may not get a baby because they seem to be clamping down on foreign adoptions. Now I wish my ex-GF had kept my baby. The sad thing is my wife knows none of this, I can’t bear to tell her. It’s weird writing it here cos I’ve never discussed it with anyone before.

I have no contact with my ex-GF, so I don’t know how she’s doing now, but she wasn’t in a good place last time I saw her.

I’m not saying this will happen to you, or that you won’t be at peace and live happily ever after. But just think carefully about what you are doing and get some good counselling before you go. And remember two basic things – this might wreck what you have with your GF, but nobody knows whether it will or not. Secondly, don’t dismiss the option of giving the baby up for adoption. I never thought of that when I was in your shoes, but being in the position of trying to adopt I can’t tell you how happy you would make some family by doing this.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Ickle Magoo · 19-04-2010 11:09pm

Beenthere! wrote: »

Ickle_magoo i don't know if you've ever been through this situation but you are coming across as very flippant... this is not a cut and dried decision. If you'd been through it yourself you'd know.
And yes, it does take one month or more even, to decide on this type of thing.

What's flippant about reiterating that the OP has stated that & his gf have made up their minds? To some people it is a cut and dried decision, others not - the OP has stated several times now that both he and his gf are not knee-jerking and are resolute.

ztoical · 19-04-2010 11:34pm

With regards to some posters suggestion on taking time to "think" about it some more the OP has stated they are getting a chemical abortion which is far less invasive and traumatic then having a surgical abortion so waiting longer to think about something that they've already made the choice on is only going to make the whole process longer, more invasive and more emotional when it doesn't need to be.

OP the main thing is the make sure you keep talking and are totally open with each other - there's a strong chance that this is something you won't be able to share and discuss with other people so it's important you can talk to each other. I've had a few friends have abortions over the years and the one thing that did get to them was not being able to talk openly with family and friends due to the stigma attached. You find the same with women who've had miscarriages - while they aren't looked down upon like a woman whose had an abortion that suffer alot of the same issues in finding it hard to talk to people about it.

Girlfriend Pregnant

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