Man blowing hot and cold..

LegacyUser

Hi there

I just wanted to ask some advice, I have met a guy who I get on well with and fancy
like mad! He texts and emails me a lot the thing is he suggests to meet up and then will back right off again and not set a date..should I just let him off or do men sometimes just not know what they want so there hot and cold...I dont get it!! (me late 20s him mid 30s)
he is really doing my head in and he knows I like him...any advice

Ta

beks101

Hi OP

I had a similar situation like this recently so understand your frustration. Guy would text over and back for a few days, facebook me and be all talk about meeting up for drinks etc and then...nothing.
I wouldn't hear from him for about a week, be about to delete his number and then the texts would start back again.

Like you, I really liked the guy so it was hard to look at the situation objectively - it took a friend to point out to me, 'if he was really interested he'd be thinking about you all the time and wouldn't want to wait to text/call/ask you out.'

This guy knows you like him so texting/emailing you is probably an ego boost for him as he's almost 100% sure you'll respond.

Of course there is always the chance he's really busy with work or a bit shy, but I'm sorry, at 30+ years of age if he's not capable of being direct and going after what he wants / making the time for you, then he's a bit lacking, to say the least.

If I were you I would be completely forward - ask him out, set a date and if it garners no response or a pathetic excuse, draw a line under it and move on. There are too many good men out there!

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Hi OP

I had a similar situation like this recently so understand your frustration. Guy would text over and back for a few days, facebook me and be all talk about meeting up for drinks etc and then...nothing.
I wouldn't hear from him for about a week, be about to delete his number and then the texts would start back again.

Like you, I really liked the guy so it was hard to look at the situation objectively - it took a friend to point out to me, 'if he was really interested he'd be thinking about you all the time and wouldn't want to wait to text/call/ask you out.'

This guy knows you like him so texting/emailing you is probably an ego boost for him as he's almost 100% sure you'll respond.
QUOTE]

Spot on here. I wouldn't doubt this is the same mid-30s guy we are all talking about! lol
With the guy who was doing this to me, the pattern was identical to yours OP. But what it was is that he would love dating loads of women -having a lot of women finding him attractive and willing to engage with him. But he never wanted any of them in reality. He just wanted the buzz of getting them to respond and show interest.

So he'd recycle his list over and over again when he ran out of new people showing interest in him. He might agree to meet with you at some point. But he has no interet in a relationship with you. If he did you wouldn't be wondering why you haven't met up yet.

Delete his number and never answer any further texts from him or you'll end up like me and losing self esteem for indulging him.

Peggypeg

Yep, he's a headwrecker, well rid of that one I say. I always wonder about 30 year old's that can't even arrange a date, sounds more like 12 year old behaviour!!!

LegacyUser

There is a simple solution to this; ask him if he's free this week (or whenever) to go for a drink. If he says yeah (and judging from what you've written that seems likely), then suggest half seven on Thursday in blahblahblah place. He'll either go for that, or if it doesn't suit him, he'll probably suggest another time or place.

I'm not sure why you are expecting him to do all the running on this. He might like you quite a lot, but the problem is that he doesn't want to be pushy, or he is shy or whatever, and is waiting for you to take the next step. After all he has suggested going out - surely you can then suggest a time and venue?

Girls can ring, text and facebook lads to arrange the time and place for a drink just as easy as lads can do it.

MissyN

that would just frustrate me so much.

I think with men its actually quite simple, its only with us ladies that it gets more complicated! If a guy is interested you'll know all about it....he'll keep in contact and actually ask you out, no BS. Hes either interested or he isn't and tbh OP it sounds like he texts you when he's bored or something.

Don't annoy yourself any further and blank him.
You deserve better don't you ??? (answer=yes)

andreac

owpnr wrote: »

beks101 wrote: »

Hi OP

I had a similar situation like this recently so understand your frustration. Guy would text over and back for a few days, facebook me and be all talk about meeting up for drinks etc and then...nothing.
I wouldn't hear from him for about a week, be about to delete his number and then the texts would start back again.

Like you, I really liked the guy so it was hard to look at the situation objectively - it took a friend to point out to me, 'if he was really interested he'd be thinking about you all the time and wouldn't want to wait to text/call/ask you out.'

This guy knows you like him so texting/emailing you is probably an ego boost for him as he's almost 100% sure you'll respond.
QUOTE]

Spot on here. I wouldn't doubt this is the same mid-30s guy we are all talking about! lol
With the guy who was doing this to me, the pattern was identical to yours OP. But what it was is that he would love dating loads of women -having a lot of women finding him attractive and willing to engage with him. But he never wanted any of them in reality. He just wanted the buzz of getting them to respond and show interest.

So he'd recycle his list over and over again when he ran out of new people showing interest in him. He might agree to meet with you at some point. But he has no interet in a relationship with you. If he did you wouldn't be wondering why you haven't met up yet.

Delete his number and never answer any further texts from him or you'll end up like me and losing self esteem for indulging him.

Sounds exactly like a guy i was seeing there for a bit. Didnt know what he wanted etc etc, would text on a sat night wondering if iw as out then nothing for a week and same cycle. I unfortunately liked the guy and kept responding to his texts and would meet up then if i suggested meeting up, to do something other than the pub on a sat night, i got no reply.

These men are timewasters and just want their ego boosted by you replying, texting and meeting up here and there.

Best thing to do is delete his number and dont bother replying to anything as he obviously cannot be bothered making any sort of an effort.

If he really, genuinely liked you he would make an effort.

Faith

If that's what he's like now, he'd just get even worse if you were in a relationship with him. If I were you, I'd give him one more chance, and if he flaked on that, I'd let him know that he needn't bother contacting me again. Being messed around like that is just awful.

Miss Fluff

Um, are we all talking about the same guy here ladies?:eek:Definitely sounds so!

I had a SH1T experience recently. A guy in his late 30s I have liked for ages, who I had a date with last year and quite a bit of sporadic contact since suddenly makes it really obvious he is up to something by adding me to his social networking sites, lots of emails etc. Anyway, there was an event on and he contacted me incessantly about a week beforehand asking me where I'd be etc. Daily emails, quite flirtatious too. Lo and behold we met up that night after the event and spent hours together. Lots of fun and high jinks, he was all over me, taking photos of me, arms around me the whole time, couldn't be more attentive. At no stage did I think I wasn't going to end up scoring him that evening, he was HOT for me. So when it came to crunch time he turns around and goes "Miss Fluff, you drive me absolutely crazy. You do now I'm seeing someone though don't you????" I don't think my blood pressure has come down since.:mad: My friends witnessed us together that evening, and nobody could believe how anyone could be that cruel.

I'm still scratching my head a little if I'm honest but it's not the first time and it won't be the last where a guy wants the attention of an attractive girl only to boost his own ego. It's pathetic and it's nasty.

In my experience, if a guy REALLY wants to ask you out, he will do so. He won't pussy-foot around for fear someone else will beat him to it. So in summary, if he REALLY wants to date you he will. He sounds like a time-waster/immature man-boy dying for a bit of attention imho.....

LegacyUser

Guys thanks glad to see I am not in the same boat why do men do this ( i am sure women do too!)

Think is we are in contact a good few months now we talk a lot through text,email there was one phone call!! sad eh anytime I tell him I have a date he gets all bloody jealous, I have asked him out straight and he has giving me a I am not sure yet I can do that evening due to training...now I know men and football are v close but I am sick to teeth of this ****!!!
Your right just leave it trouble is I feicking like the guy and for me that doesn't happen to often!!!

MissyN

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Um, are we all talking about the same guy here ladies?:eek:Definitely sounds so!

I had a SH1T experience recently. A guy in his late 30s I have liked for ages, who I had a date with last year and quite a bit of sporadic contact since suddenly makes it really obvious he is up to something by adding me to his social networking sites, lots of emails etc. Anyway, there was an event on and he contacted me incessantly about a week beforehand asking me where I'd be etc. Daily emails, quite flirtatious too. Lo and behold we met up that night after the event and spent hours together. Lots of fun and high jinks, he was all over me, taking photos of me, arms around me the whole time, couldn't be more attentive. At no stage did I think I wasn't going to end up scoring him that evening, he was HOT for me. So when it came to crunch time he turns around and goes "Miss Fluff, you drive me absolutely crazy. You do now I'm seeing someone though don't you????" I don't think my blood pressure has come down since.:mad: My friends witnessed us together that evening, and nobody could believe how anyone could be that cruel.

I'm still scratching my head a little if I'm honest but it's not the first time and it won't be the last where a guy wants the attention of an attractive girl only to boost his own ego. It's pathetic and it's nasty.

In my experience, if a guy REALLY wants to ask you out, he will do so. He won't pussy-foot around for fear someone else will beat him to it. So in summary, if he REALLY wants to date you he will. He sounds like a time-waster/immature man-boy dying for a bit of attention imho.....

thats UNBELIEVABLE !!!!! You must have been disgusted and its such a shame as this would put us all off men for life.

I'd love to hear from a guy.....why would someone do this? are a lot of guys that insecure? is this purely ego boost?

the sporadic contact is a big clue though I think. We should know somethings up when this is going on.

I pity that guys girlfriend.

fairycakes

I feel for you OP what a complete loser hate men that keep stringing you along as the book says he just not into you if hes not asking you out,, now get your dancing shoes on and go out and find a proper man that will call and ask you out without all that playing games stuff! He's like a flipping 16 yr old!!!

hey what do the men on this think??

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

In my experience, if a guy REALLY wants to ask you out, he will do so. He won't pussy-foot around for fear someone else will beat him to it. So in summary, if he REALLY wants to date you he will. He sounds like a time-waster/immature man-boy dying for a bit of attention imho.....

And by the same token, if a girl really wants to go out with a guy, she will ask him out. She won't wait indefinitely for him to make the first move just because she's a girl - she'll make things happen for herself.

What's wrong with the OP asking your man out on a date herself? If she like him, surely she should make things happen for herself.

Boskowski

Ok, man here.

I could be totally off but....

He probably has taken this too far (in his mind) to simply say "look I don't really fancy you that much". So he plays along. He may be one of these people who need to please others all the time, can never say 'No' to anyone, cant have a conflict whatsoever. So every time there is communication with you he is full on - 'ye sure' kinda thing. But really he rather hopes the 'problem' goes away.

After those cold phases and even in general, are you initiating contact or does he? When you say email/text a lot, does he ever actually initiate this?

LegacyUser

Boskowski its really 50 50 he contacts me as much as I do him I even deleted his number when i went on holiday months ago and decided to forget about him this drove him mad and started texting me again, I see what your saying but I have kept my distance and he still comes back (yes I know I let him!) because I genuinely think we have a connection and I know he is shy at times but I can't imagine someone is that shy...

beks101

Boskowski wrote: »

When you say email/text a lot, does he ever actually initiate this?

OK I can't speak for the OP, but I will speak for me and what I strongly suspect is a lot of women...yes, he initiates. That has been my experience, on a few occasions at this stage to be honest.

I'm fully OK with a guy just not feeling it, grand, we've all been there...but why contact at all if this is the case? With this recent guy, it was full on the week after we met, then nothing for a week, then a text out of the blue, full on for a day or two again...nothing...I've virtually forgotten about him et voila, he pops up in my inbox again.

Clearly it's boredom/insecurity/horniness/casting-the-net syndrome, which doesn't exactly scream 'this guy is a catch.'

OP whatever the case is with this guy, to quote a well overused cliché, 'he's just not that into you' and clearly he's a bit of a knob, leave well enough alone.

Edit: can you imagine if we were all dealing with the same 30-something serial player/non-dater?? :eek:

Boskowski

See if there's one thing thats for sure it's that women are a lot more deliberate about the whole dating thing than men. Womens actions in the dating game are a lot more thought out, too. They know what they want, they know how they want it, they have a plan.

Its fairly safe to say that most men don't have a plan whatsoever. Could be like what I said above, could also be that if the guy was 'confronted' with this he'd go like 'what are you talking about?' and he'd mean it.

Abi

unreg3333 wrote: »

Hi there

I just wanted to ask some advice, I have met a guy who I get on well with and fancy
like mad! He texts and emails me a lot the thing is he suggests to meet up and then will back right off again and not set a date..should I just let him off or do men sometimes just not know what they want so there hot and cold...I dont get it!! (me late 20s him mid 30s)
he is really doing my head in and he knows I like him...any advice

Ta

Never let a guy mess with your head. You deserve the attention of someone who actually wants it.

Move on.

beks101

Boskowski wrote: »

See if there's one thing thats for sure it's that women are a lot more deliberate about the whole dating thing than men.

Haha, I'd say that's true alright.

But I think there's one thing that's similar to both sexes and that's the simple logic of someone wanting contact with someone they fancy. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy asks girl out. That's sort of the logical sequence of events...not some over-thought rule that a deranged woman has constructed to complicate the dating game.

Obviously we all come with baggage, some of us have been burnt and are a bit crap at being forthcoming; just as some of us have busy lives; sometimes the timing can be off...but without a valid explanation of why contact has been sporadic, which is what I think any decent person would do...I think you have to assume this is a case of someone looking for an ego massage/bit of entertainment/quick shag and overall just not a very respectful guy

Abitar wrote: »

Never let a guy mess with your head. You deserve the attention of someone who actually wants it.

Move on.

This.

gudbuzz

have been in the same situation for the best part of a year.
the guy in question is not all that to begin with to make things worse! he is insecure, has low self esteem, jealous, never been faithful to anyone he has been with, serial flirt, two timer, pathological liar, (i met him when he was with some one, i found out afterwards) and the rest. i know i am crazy, but there are other things i do like about him.
have been ignoring him for the last week and am getting late night phone calls and texts asking me if i'm ignoring him and that he misses me? frustrating as f*%k! possibly the most head wrecking 31year old i have ever met. just ignore him op I definitely think these guys are just serving their own needs and nobody else's.
good luck!!

Abi

gudbuzz wrote: »

have been in the same situation for the best part of a year.
the guy in question is not all that to begin with to make things worse! he is insecure, has low self esteem, jealous, never been faithful to anyone he has been with, serial flirt, two timer, pathological liar, (i met him when he was with some one, i found out afterwards) and the rest. i know i am crazy, but there are other things i do like about him.
have been ignoring him for the last week and am getting late night phone calls and texts asking me if i'm ignoring him and that he misses me? frustrating as f*%k! possibly the most head wrecking 31year old i have ever met. just ignore him op I definitely think these guys are just serving their own needs and nobody else's.
good luck!!

Nearly a year of all that? Do you plan on ever being happy? =/


RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

LegacyUser

Boskowski wrote: »

Its fairly safe to say that most men don't have a plan whatsoever. Could be like what I said above, could also be that if the guy was 'confronted' with this he'd go like 'what are you talking about?' and he'd mean it.

It would still be worrying though! Basically what you'd have is a man-child in his thirties who doesn't have the social intelligence to understand the impact of his actions on others. This self absorbed attitude is very draining, and takes all the fun out of what should be the beginning of something great : |

unclecessna

Hi OP, I'm a guy and to be perfectly honest it works both ways with guys and girls - met a girl last year who was a total head wrecker like your guy and it ended up going absolutely nowhere despite a promising start.

When people are wishy-washy like this it's because they are self-absorbed - i.e. not thinking how their reactions will affect you by stringing you along,
don't know what they really want - i.e. contacting sporadically when they feel like it, and are immature i.e. not just being a grown up and making a firm decision either way within a reasonable period of time.

Just forget about him as best you can and move on.

MissyN

unclecessna wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm a guy and to be perfectly honest it works both ways with guys and girls - met a girl last year who was a total head wrecker like your guy and it ended up going absolutely nowhere despite a promising start.

When people are wishy-washy like this it's because they are self-absorbed - i.e. not thinking how their reactions will affect you by stringing you along,
don't know what they really want - i.e. contacting sporadically when they feel like it, and are immature i.e. not just being a grown up and making a firm decision either way within a reasonable period of time.

Just forget about him as best you can and move on.

That is so bang on unclecessna.

An ex of mine has kept in contact with me for ages after he broke up with me and I couldn't understand his behaviour and you've described it perfectly above. That post is so insightful for me like you wouldn't believe. Thank you

gavney1

Hey OP,

Was also in the same situation with a girl I really liked a few months ago.

She gave me loads of hints that she was interested (e.g. asking ME out, asking me about previous GFs etc..)

but ignored alot of my texts (and I wasn't harrassing her with texts or anything) so she was obviously only half-interested. It wrecked my head.

Anyway, lesson learned. And I have to admit that I've acted the same way in the past to one or two girls that I wasn't fully interested in in the past (when I was 21/22). But I've grown up since then and I know now how selfish it is, so I won't do it again/

Liam Byrne

MissyN wrote: »

I think with men its actually quite simple, its only with us ladies that it gets more complicated! If a guy is interested you'll know all about it....he'll keep in contact and actually ask you out, no BS.

Isn't the word you were looking for "straightforward" ?

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Isn't the word you were looking for "straightforward" ?

Op here but the point is with this man is he not straightforward..he contacts me nearly everyday I have stayed away so why do this to someone why bother if your just not interested I don't get it, I was on a date a few weeks ago and mentioned this to him he was texting me like mad asking if i fancied my date,what was wrong with him and just general information he gets all bloody jealous its really childish at this stage he just keeps texting and emailing wouldnt mind if i didnt fancy the ass off him!!!!

MissyN

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Isn't the word you were looking for "straightforward" ?

agreed.