Dating as a single parent.........

ash23

So, I'm a single parent. And have been single for 2 years. And while I understand that some men don't want a lady with baggage, I'm getting pretty disillusioned with the whole thing.

I've had guys literally walk away from me when I mention my daughter. And for 2 years I've been telling myself that it's fine, that eventually I'll meet someone who doesn't have a problem with it, that these guys aren't right for me if they have a problem with my daughter etc etc.

I'm outgoing and chatty and have no problems at all meeting guys. But it never gets past a few dates and the reason most have given is my daughter.

One guy had a son, a toddler. And he ended things because he was worried as my daughter is 7 and therefore more aware of things and it would be more hassle if things progressed.

It's gotten to the stage where I'm getting so fed up of wasting my time that I mention my daughter within minutes, testing them I guess. And they run and then I'm proved right. My friends reckon I shouldn't mention her until the first date and that way, they'll at least give me a chance. But I'm of the opinion that I don't want someone who can't accept her right away. Or is my fantastic daughter like some sort of trait I need to keep hidden until a guy is mad about me enough to accept it.


Being honest, I'm just feeling very angry about all this. It's horrible that I have to stay shtum about the most important person in my life simply so some random guy won't get scared off. But hell, my way doesn't seem to be working either!


So folk, whaddya reckon? Reel him in and THEN tell him. Or stay as honest as I have been and be upfront about it?

Barracudaincork

Morning Ash, So sorry to hear your feelings like this at the moment!

IMO i think you should continue what you are doing and be upfront about it, not just because i think that is the right thing to do, but because i think your daughter means so much to you, that you will feel guilty and cr*p if you "deny" her existance as such, by not mentioning her when you meet someone, if that makes sense?

I guess you could look at the semi-bright side, you are able to weed out the good guys from the others in a matter of hours, while some women have to wait a lot longer to weed them out and more heartache can be envolved.

first of all you child isn't baggage i know you probably didn't mean it like that:) I think its a hard one what ever you do...there's realy is no harm in not mentioning that you have a child till after the first date or if you cant bring yourself to do that, then wait till the end of the night when your talking to someone....by telling someone in the first few minutes of a conversation your probably sounding defensive...it like your saying i come as part of a package thats though now deal with it....and that a lot to ask of someone you've just met..

I think if a man is considering getting involved with a woman who has a child/children the age of the child is a big factor....my partner said to me if your children had been younger id have been reluctant to get involved.....if you look at profiles on dating site...yowl often see a man saying they'd prefer to meet someone with no children or a woman with older/grown children.... being realistic a lot of people think...life is complicated enough so why make it more complicated by getting involved with a someone who had children....this aplies to both men and women.

finally i do know two woman who met men when they has small children one had a 3 year old girl and the other woman had a 7 and 9 year old....however in both situation they meet their partner in situation where there partners got to know them before well before they got one involved with them

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Wow, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, you always sound so positive!!!! My advice is to tell them outstraight, if they don't want a child in their life they won't change their mind because you've waited a couple of dates to tell them. It is ****ty that you haven't found a nice guy (you're a sweetheart from your posts and deserve a good guy). Don't give up and don't be less than honest coz it won't do you any good in the long run. Also a guy (or girl) has a right not to want a child in the picture, as ****ty as it is for you. Patience might be all that can be done for this one, Mr. Right will come along sooner or later and I'm sure he'll love your DD. Just keep trying.

Best of luck.

ash23

Thanks for the responses.
I usually am very positive and optimistic but I'm starting to feel a bit drained by it all. Time for a wee break I think.

I was out over the weekend and scored a hat trick in that I was approached 3 times by 3 guys in one night, spent a bit of time chatting to each one and one after the other as soon as the kiddo was mentioned, the excuses rolled in. "My mate is waiting for me, I'm going out for a smoke, Oh I don't have any interest in someone with a child". In that order.
By the end of the night I was fit to become a card carrying man hater.

Not helped by my married, childless friends telling me not to mention my daughter to men.......

I went home in one hell of a foul mood and it's still lingering a little.

It's just one thing after another and it can build up after a while

Like the time I was on a dating site for a while and was getting a lot of messages etc.....and then I changed my profile to state I had a child and I got nothing, nadda, not a single sausage.......

I respect that people have the right to choose the type of person they want to date and if kids are a turn off then so be it......
But on the other hand it's me and my daughter they are snubbing and it's a bit hard to stomach at times.


I'll get over it, I always do. It's just hard sometimes to know that you're seen to be "damaged goods" over something as wonderful as your child. It's a total contradiction to me.


Sunflower I get that too. Own house, car, good job, child and still managing to be good fun and have a good social life....I think it puts people off, that they aren't "needed".
But they are I suppose. Otherwise I wouldn't be so grumpy about this

Barracudaincork

ash23 wrote: »

nadda, not a single sausage.......

Even when you are down Ash, you always make us smile! Your a very witty lady!

I dont think anyone sees you as damaged goods, tbh my only worry about single parents is never the parent or the kid but generally the ex! You can always make things work if the family unit get along, but with so many people having ex partners who cause them untold amounts of grieve it can be easier to not get involved.

I know of plenty of people who have found love and happiness as single parents, unfortunetly you're going through a dry spell at the moment, but that will end and i have no doubt and all hope that you will be back here bragging about your fantastic new man and how he adores your daughter! Its the bare minimum I feel you deserve!

Peggypeg

Hey,

You would need to be a saint for this not to get to you, you're human, so cut yourself some slack for being upset. They aren't snubbing you and your daughter, thay would have to know you to snub you, so don't take it personally. A child is a big responsibility and alot of work, and people have the right to say "Nope, not for me". Wouldn't you prefer that they're honest from the start rather than waiting until you and your DD have a relationship with them to change their minds??? Honestly, it is pants and lonely and hurtful, I can see that, but you have to realise that it's a whole lifestyle they would need to buy into, it is alot to ask of someone. I'm not saying to give up, just don't take it as a rejection of you or your daughter, I'm sure it's not. Just don't give up on guys, the right one is out there for you and if you're as lovely in real life as you are on here it won't be too long til you're snapped up, just give it some time.

Best of luck.

ash23

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think we are all damagged goods in our own way

Seriously, it was just one weekend and three lads and what's not to say next weekend or the weekend after you meet someone that isnt bothered by your situ in the slightest.

I think you are doing fine, but next time one of the guys does an obvious runner say, yeah, see ya, I have to go breatfeed anyway...;):p

I've had a long run of those excuses in the last couple of years. I could write a book at this stage.
Love the breastfeeding comeback.....I'll use it at some stage I'm sure.


I just have to be careful as I am starting to get a little bitter and I'm nearly challenging them at this stage.
I want to be honest. But I'll have to keep the scary out of it

ash23

I should also add that the recent pessimistic outlook hasn't been helped by that fact that 3 of my best mates are getting married this summer so I'm swamped with wedding talk and sitting there with a grin on my face is wearing thin...... and also there were a group of us "single ladies" and they've all paired off in the last few months. I've been playing the spare wheel role for a while now.
PLus I was dumped a couple of months ago by a guy who couldn't handle the child factor.....all in all, it's been a pretty crap few weeks in terms of feeling confidant that my Mr. Right is out there.

And the fact that I'll be attending 3 weddings alone this summer.....shoot me now! :rolleyes:

Kiera

ash23 wrote: »

I should also add that the recent pessimistic outlook hasn't been helped by that fact that 3 of my best mates are getting married this summer so I'm swamped with wedding talk and sitting there with a grin on my face is wearing thin...... and also there were a group of us "single ladies" and they've all paired off in the last few months. I've been playing the spare wheel role for a while now.
PLus I was dumped a couple of months ago by a guy who couldn't handle the child factor.....all in all, it's been a pretty crap few weeks in terms of feeling confidant that my Mr. Right is out there.

And the fact that I'll be attending 3 weddings alone this summer.....shoot me now! :rolleyes:

But arent you glad in a way that you've seen them for what they are in the first meeting?

You're dead right to tell them as soon as you meet them. I wouldnt be put off by men just because of those idiots tho. I know many men who have got into relationships with girls that have kids. There is defo someone out there for you, Ash. If it means waiting for a while longer then so be it

Maguined

Waiting to tell them until after a few dates is probably a bad idea, it could end up just wasting both of your time and might come across as a little deceitful depending on the guy.

Telling them is early enough is a good idea but more importantly how you tell them is critical, is there a chance the way you are mentioning your daughter might come across to these guys that you are not interested yourself? they might be viewing it that way, as you defensively telling them to leave you alone as you have a daughter, or possibly they might be assuming if you have a daughter you also have a man and are just an unmarried couple.

The best thing to do is probably going to be the hardest, being able to mention you have a daughter but are also single and available yourself into a conversation while it coming across as subtle and natural flow of the conversation rather than an outright challenge to their interest.

seenitall

"The best thing to do is probably going to be the hardest, being able to mention you have a daughter but are also single and available yourself into a conversation while it coming across as subtle and natural flow of the conversation rather than an outright challenge to their interest"

Not hard at all.

"So... what do you do?" (A question that usually comes up very early on.)
"I work in xyz, and I am also a single mum. It's not exactly work-work, but it does include labour!"

Jessiegirl

I remember your last posts about dating. I kind of get the feeling you are looking for reasons why you aren't with someone. When you meet the right person they really won't care whether you have a daughter or not, they'll be fine with and if they are not then they aren't right for you.
There is no such things as Mr Right as such - but right for you, yes.
You are what you are and being a parent is part of that and nothing to be ashamed off. Don't see it as a hindrance and it won't be, it that makes any sense.
Try not stress so much about the whole thing and just enjoy yourself, be it single, for a while.

ash23

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I remember your last posts about dating. I kind of get the feeling you are looking for reasons why you aren't with someone. When you meet the right person they really won't care whether you have a daughter or not, they'll be fine with and if they are not then they aren't right for you.
There is no such things as Mr Right as such - but right for you, yes.
Try not stress so much about the whole thing and just enjoy yourself, be it single, for a while.

I wouldn't say I'm looking for reasons as to why I'm not with someone. But having dated as a single woman and dated as a single parent, it is much harder as a single parent. A lot of men are put off by a child and that is frustrating.

99% of the time I am happy out with my life and my choices. But yes, now and then it all accumulates and gets to me. I think thats fairly natural.

Jessiegirl

Well you're older now too and life experiences change us so you will be different now also. Don't compare these different times.

ash23

Grand but I think it's an honest assesment (in my life with my friends anyway) that dating is more difficult when children are involved. For a variety of reasons.
And yes, that will get people down now and then.

We're all human and like I said, it's just frustrating.

It's not about making excuses as to why I am alone.

I'm being told that my child is the problem. I'm seeing with my own eyes the fact that when I mention her in passing that the whole tone of the conversation changes.

Not all the time but 90% of the time.

I'm happier in myself and my life than I have been in years. But I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that you want to be with someone, to be in a healthy relationship.

It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself or that I see my daughter as a hindrance. Other people do, I don't. Thats kind of the crux of the issue.

Jessiegirl

Well it is harder, even the logistics of getting out is harder. What will happen in the future is harder to imagine too.
I bet though if you looked back hard you would see that you met plenty of guys back then that weren't suitable either or chatted and then turned in to deadbeats.
I bet when you went out you never even thought about meeting a guy much, you just went out and had great fun with your mates. Sometimes when we have a child the agenda in our minds changes. Just keep going out, not long since that last fella left and because it was for the same reason it makes it worse. Give yourself a bit more time.
I'd say just be yourself, if your daughter comes up in a conversation great. It's that 'lot of men' that don't get it - that's their loss, you will find one that does and that'll be great.

...oh and I've been to weddings on my own too, it feel a bit daunting and makes you feel 'different' but sometimes you can have far better craic

Miss Fluff

One of my closest friends has a little girl of six and she had terrible difficulty meeting someone also as was very wary of introducing her daughter to anyone and she also found a lot of guys ran for the hills at high speed. So she registered with a dating site late last year where she was able to put her parental status up there clearly for all potential suitors to see and she has been SWEPT off her feet by a totally kind and lovely and amazing guy who told her on Saturday while they were sitting out in the garden that he loves her so much and loves her daughter too.:DYou should maybe try online as you're getting it out there from the onset rather than it ever having to be an issue!

Emme

That's horrible Ash. I suppose it's a good way of weeding out the bad ones fast if nothing else. These guys would probably find an excuse to bail no matter who they were. They sound scared of responsibility to me, and nobody wants anyone like that.

Memnoch

Hey OP,

My advice is probably going to be deeply unpopular here, and is even liable to stoke the embers of your anger some more, but here goes anyway.

I agree with your friends who suggest you not mention your daughter straight away. I'm not of the opinion that you need to "hide her existence," nor do I agree that you need to "reel them in and hook them," before dropping "the bomb."

But people are strange, they have strange hangups and strange prejudices. And as much as we'd like everyone to be open and honest about everything and to respect the same in others, we just aren't like that.

We don't reveal every single detail about our lives (good or bad) to the people we meet straight away. Maybe you're approaching this too long term? Don't worry so much about meeting the man who will fit into your family, and maybe just focus on meeting someone you can have fun with to begin with? And as things evolve if things grow more serious, then they grow more serious and they will either work out or not.

This might be totally the wrong impression, but I think for a lot of guys when you mention a young child, they immediately get the idea that you are testing them (which you kind of are) to see if they will accept your child along with you, which further implies that you want to look at things pretty seriously from the get go, and maybe it's just too much for people to handle and assess about someone they've JUST met and the safest thing for them is to simply not bother?

You're daughter is obviously a very important part of your life, that does not mean that the fact that she is an important part of your life becomes the over-riding aspect of your personality that new people you meet come to see.

I'm sorry, this is a very complex and delicate issue and I'm being woefully inarticulate in trying to get my point across here, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

I feel that right now, your frustration at developing relationships being nipped in the bud the moment your daughter is brought into the picture is turning into a line in the sand that you're asking people to cross before they even get to know you. The problem, as I see it, is that in order to cross that line in the sand for someone, you kinda need to know them a little first.

LegacyUser

I went out with a girl who had a kid (5) and it really wasnt a problem at the start. We dated for about 2 yrs and I loved the kid as if it was my own and we bonded well, but the mother after about 20 months in to the relationship said she "didnt want me getting to close incase we split up" WTF!!! that came out of nowhere. But it did set my mind wondering if I was in the way of her and the kid, we never really got on after that. I never done any harm but always felt I was "in the way" not being the father. Just treat carefully if and when you do meet someone us guys have feelings aswell. I know your daughter is your no.1 proirty. Just my 2C worth. Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

Hi Ash

I have never posted before but I know how you feel so I just had to post.

I was the same as you, the only parent amoung all of my friends and trying not to let it get to me when I mentioned my son and got the reactions you are describing.

As much as I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter it really did get to me. But I continued to tell people up front - I simply couldn't have a conversation without mentioning him, it felt like I was lying not talking about something that was so important to me.

Then I met my fiance 2 years ago. I told him straight up same as always but he didn't blink an eye. He was so laid back about the whole thing - more so even than the other guys who didn't seem to mind. He never made a big deal about any of it - just started off as one of my friends calling and gradually being around more and more.

This has turned out longer than I intended it to be but I just wanted to say that it's true that if you are upfront you will meet somebody who not only doesn't mind you have a child but recognises that it is a huge part of what makes you who you are.

Best of luck and stay happy!

metrovelvet

I dunno. My feedback may not be applicable. I'm not into bars. I wouldnt want to stream my dating life through bars either. ITs just not my scene. Its not my way.

But when I meet people, wherever and whomever they are, I tend to talk about whatever we all want to talk about. I dont mention my son like its something I have to get off my chest. He is my family. He is my business. He is not public property, so I may or may not talk about him, but I may or may not talk about my brother or grandparents either.

Everything is harder with a child. Even a trip to get milk from the shop is harder with a child. Of course dating, relationships, even the marriages they are born into become harder.

Maybe just stop mentioning her until it becomes germaine to what's going on. If you present yourself as mother first, they will see you as mother first.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

But arent you glad in a way that you've seen them for what they are in the first meeting?

You're dead right to tell them as soon as you meet them. I wouldnt be put off by men just because of those idiots tho. I know many men who have got into relationships with girls that have kids. There is defo someone out there for you, Ash. If it means waiting for a while longer then so be it

It's their choice they are not idiots. I wouldn't date a single mother, sleep with them yes, but no interest in a relationship.
It's too much hassle, plus long term you would have to deal with a child who is not your own, which can be very difficult and kids are expensive.

That being said, you can't help who you fall for. So if I fell for someone I wouldn't care less if they had 10 kids. The only time I've ever fallen for someone is when I knew them for a few years and got to know them and how great they were. She was also super hot which helps.

So the reason you are having difficulty is not because you are a single mother. It's the same reason all the other woman on here have difficulty meeting a good man. They are expecting to go out to night clubs and find romance.

Night clubs are great to meet men, but you are only meeting the same sort of men. You do have baggage with a child. So you need to meet men is situations where they get to know you as a person, rather than a single mother. This does not mean hiding the fact you are a single mother. It means you need to men where it is not all about hooking up looking for a date, which is what most people in pubs/clubs are doing.

The only 2 relationship I ever had that meant anything to me, I met one in work and the other on a course. One of the relationship, started with me getting smacked in the face, then me grabbing her, kissing her, telling her I loved her, then storming off. She texted a hour later saying she loved me too.

It's a cliche but you find love in the most unusual places. You need to broaden your approach to meeting men and get involved with activities, events, work, none social events. Go to pubs/clubs to have fun with your friends not to meet men, as the odds are against you.

Plus too many people, hook up in clubs, start dating, get into a relationship, blah bah blah, get married have kids. They do it more because it what's done rather than being madly in love. Look at the amount on post on here. Lots of people seem to be in relationships, because they are too afraid to leave in case they can't find another partner. I know lots of people who are married, they say they are in love. But there not, some are needy desperate, other still in love with an ex, constantly cheating on their wife.

ash23

dfgdfgdfgd wrote: »

It's a cliche but you find love in the most unusual places. You need to broaden your approach to meeting men and get involved with activities, events, work, none social events. Go to pubs/clubs to have fun with your friends not to meet men, as the odds are against you.

Well you see, thats sort of the problem as a single parent. I can't commit to activities as I have my daughter every evening. She is in bed by 8.30pm. Then I'm housebound.
Meeting men in work is a no-no as I work in a company of 60+ people and I am the only single person in there. And the ratio of girls to guys is about 4:1. Thats the honest to god truth.

My famil aren't local. I have good friends but they have their own lives and their own partners and friends.

I might manage to get someone to mind my daughter on a saturday night but only when I have plans. So yes, it sort of is restricted to pubs and clubs for me. PLus, I'm only in my mid/late 20s and living in a town. There isn't much else in the way of events on a saturday night. I'm not loving the club scene but it is what it is. And I've met some nice enough guys in clubs, just not the right fit for me.


I guess, I've learned to lie about other things. For eg, I'm not from around here, moved here to be with my ex. I lie and say I moved here because of work (smalll town, people know I'm not a local).

I tried internet dating and hated it.

Ok, so perhaps I need to hold on on dropping the bombshell. But how long does one leave it before it becomes an issue?

Bearing in mind the usual way this would go (for me anyway) is chatting, maybe kissing, swapping numbers and texting/calling until we meet up the following week.
Do I wait for the first date(which could be one to two weeks from the initial meeting?). Or the second or the third etc?


Btw

I wouldn't date a single mother, sleep with them yes, but no interest in a relationship.
It's too much hassle, plus long term you would have to deal with a child who is not your own, which can be very difficult and kids are expensive.

are you sure I haven't met you because you sound so like many of the guys I have met.
Might I suggest that if single mothers are so much hassle that you just steer clear of them altogether rather than sleeping with them (unless it's on a mutual agreement that its a casual thing). Because THAT attitude is exactly what I am talking about. The "ah yeah sure I'll date you and f*ck you and then dump you because of your kid when you start thinking it's going somewhere". It's not pleasant. No woman deserves that treatment. Even if she has a child.

As for kids being expensive! Yeah, they are. But thankfully I'm a big girl who is grown up with a good job and I can pay my own bills and for my own child. I wouldn't expect some bloke I was dating to be paying anything for her. Thats why I'm called the parent. :rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Ash-

I think you need to stop giving a ****. Maybe even stop dating. Take a back seat to all of it.

And for what its worth my mother is being hotly pursued by a man two years older than I am, and she's a grandma! So there ya go. You never know what life will bring you when you stop looking.

ash23

metrovelvet wrote: »

Ash-

I think you need to stop giving a ****. Maybe even stop dating. Take a back seat to all of it.

And for what its worth my mother is being hotly pursued by a man two years older than I am, and she's a grandma! So there ya go. You never know what life will bring you when you stop looking.

Lol, yeah I think I'll give it a break before I become so bitter and cynical that I ruin myself. I'm looking into going back to college part time in September so I'll be far too busy anyway.
My summer is also chock-a-block with hen parties, festivals and weddings so it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet I don't do the damsel in distress routine!

Metrovelvet, tell your mom to go for it! Another wedding I have this year is my aunt who is remarrying after her divorce. She's nearly 50 and her fella is 36.

For now, I think I'll focus on career progression and of course the little monster