A Sad Life

LegacyUser

I’ve been a long time wanting to write this, but sometimes it’s hard to actually write down the immense feelings that you’re experiencing. I’m a 21 year old male, nice guy, friendly and do my best to always treat people in a nice way. I used to be quite happy go lucky about life, but in the past few years, my outlook has changed.
The problem is that I’ve always been sexually attracted to men and now that I’m in my twenties, this is a reality. I’m straight acting, non-camp kind of guy and am really depressed over the fact that I like guys. I’m incredibly unhappy as the fact that I like guys and always wanted to have relationships with women. Unfortunately, I can have a healthy relationship with women on every level except sexual, women have never done anything on a sexual level for me. I’m conscious that when people reply to this message, they will be saying that I should come out or join groups etc, but I don’t want any of that. I don’t ever want to say that I’m gay and don’t want myself to be this way.
I feel as if my life and my so called years of fun (20’s) are going on and I’m missing out on them. It’s so incredibly difficult to go to a night club with a group of male friends or even a bar and pretend to be interested in women and even have to pretend to be flirting with them etc. It’s also really hard to see all my friends starting and continually having girlfriends and relationships, being able to travel the world together and even just go places together. I feel terribly lonely and always seem to be single and alone, it’s hard.
My heart feels so heavy and even though I’m only 20, I’m conscious of the fact that my friends will eventually get married and have children, while I’m still on my own. This really upsets me as I would have always wanted to have wife, kids family and experience the joys of seeing children grow up, go to school, play on a team etc. The sadness I feel currently almost makes me feel as if I’m mourning for a life that I’m never going to have. Sometimes, I even feel really bitter about it all. I see nasty, horrible people who treat people in an atrocious way get married, have families, have girlfriends and have the life I’ve always wanted. I’ve always been kind, generous and cared for people including elderly members of my family and ask myself do I not deserve some happiness and fulfilment myself?
I’ve come to the stage sometimes where I don’t want to socialise with people because it’s difficult to keep up a front. In addition to that, I can never go on holidays with friends e.g. lads holidays due to the expectation that I will get with a girl.
My heart feels heavy and sad, I look towards the future and all I see is myself lonely and on my own. I have what I don’t want, I never want to have a relationship with a guy, I only like them on a sexual level. I find the situation incredibly difficult...
Does anybody understand what I’m experiencing? Thanks for reading.

cooltown

I am 17 myself and I am in the same position as you.
I know that some people will tell you to go to belong to and all these groups. I know that you life is sad. Someday your life will improve so will myne. Neither of us wants to be gay but we are. Someday we will go on and have a happy life. You never know you might find a woman and fall in love with her and have kids. The same with a guy. I know how hard it is hard to see all those nasty people with girlfriends and it just pisses you off. You feel that if you atack as a pr*ck that your life might be better but remember that you are a brilliant person and you will fall in love someday!

cafecolour

I'm gay myself, but a good decade older than you, so I've adjusted by now.

I definitely had similar issues to you for years, though not quite as badly. I would tell people I was gay by the time I was in uni, but was always a bit embarrassed about it. I refused to join any gay groups, because I didn't want to be like 'them'. I'd acknowledge I was gay, but still wanted to remain as 'straight' as possible.

I refused to have serious relationships with guys. I could 'date' a guy for a while, but only if it kept as a 'mates who have sex vibe' - never get romantic at any point. The tone of sex was always just 'horseplay with something extra' - I wouldn't even look into the eyes when we were having sex.

Finally, I realized, by essentially repressing myself, I was cheating myself out of a lot of opportunities, and the chance for genuine happiness. You've got to let go with the image of what you want to be, and go with what you are.

Now I'm honestly still not one for gay group/gay pubs (I don't think I ever will be). 95% of my social circle is still straight, and don't care at all that I'm gay. But I opened myself up to be able to have genuine relationships with guys, and that's made a world of difference. Now don't get me wrong - it took some time, and some serious growing up, but it happened.

You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you don't go for it. You could keep playing a long, marry a woman, fake the sex for a bit, have kids, and eventually end up with your wife on here posting about her husband who has no more interest in sex and is cruising male pickup sites. Or you could keep isolating yourself, and become a loner **** to gay porn and the occasional unsatisfying internet one-nighter. These are not good options.

You can find happiness. You can even find a partner and have kids if you want - it'll take some time, and it's might be a bit harder, but it's certainly doable.

That's the future though. Now, tell your friends. It's hard, and you're worried you might lose them and what they might think of you - but you're going to lose them anyway by isolating yourself. And they won't give a frick that you're gay for the most part, but they will be more hurt by you just refusing to hang out with them.

So tell them. Go on the lads holiday with them knowing you're gay - I've done it. They'll be some awkwardness and some taking the piss, but'll still be great craic, and far better than staying home alone.