Kick in the stomach or not????

Burrawang

Hi all,
Here it goes I have been stressing out a lot since last week and don't know if I have the right to be??? My situation is that since the beginning of the year my husband of 15 years informed me that he is sick of me never listening to him and that we were finished. It was out of the blue( in our time together we had our ups and downs but worked through them) cause ten minutes earlier we were lying on the sofa having a cuddle. I didn't get into it with him cause thought that he was stressed out because of our money problems (lost job over two years, bills, mortgage the usual). Anyhow there was no talking to him days later, my situation now is we were living like friends in the same house, we share the same bed, I cook, clean and the rest for him (no sex). We were getting on fine and may I say pretty good, then the **** hit the fan last week. I became superstitious that there was something not quite right. (Before I go on I know that what I did next was not right so no need to tell me I am sorry I did now) I went through his phone and found dirty texts between him another woman, he now spends his days talking to her through email sites(she lives in another country where he used to live and I am thinking is this a old girlfriend). My problem is that if I walk into the room he switches screens on computer and if I ask who is he talking to he just names his male friends. At night it is the same where I am in the sitting room and see her name popping up between screens. I did a bit of digging a now have a face to this woman.
So here is my question, fair enough that he is finished with me( their blossoming relationship may have killed mine), but is it right all this dodging questions and telling (on chat websites)her two feet away from me what he would like to do to her... I don't know if I want to cry or shred his clothes. He is now talking that he may have to move away to find work to surprise surprise to where she lives, but no mention of him being in a new relationship and treating me like a mug... does he have to tell me that he is involved with this woman or not?? Cause I still f**king wash his clothes and rings me if I am out of house to see what time I am home to make his dinner...
P.S. The reason that I have not exploded is that we have children and when he told me we were finished, the only thing that we do together is raise them.
So I am putting on my happy face everyday and he is none the wiser that I know.... Help

OP I'm not sure about the other woman, but please for the love of god stop running around after him. Honestly - he's treating you like HIS mammy while he goes off with another woman ?!
STOP cooking for him STOP cleaning for him STOP doing anything for him!

Cheap Thrills!

You should stop pretending you don't know. Stop washing his clothes and cooking his meals. Stop him sleeping in the same bed.

I understand that there are kids involved but he is making a total eejit of you and you can't let that continue.

The bit about you never listening to him, I would guess was a red herring thrown in there to distract you. I'm guessing he was already cheating then and he decided to concoct something to blame you. People often seem to do that when they are guilty to justify their own actions.

You've got to be cool headed about this which will be hard. he is talking about going away to work, good. The sooner the better, get to a solicitor and get ready. He will need to financially contribute to the kids.

You really need to give up the pretence because the only person it's hurting is you. You can't internalise that amount of cruelty twords you and just live with it. It will explode out and that will not be good for you.

Prepare yourself and try to take some control. You need to find someone in RL you trust too, to confide in and help you practically.

Ickle Magoo

Explain why you need the time with your husband, cart the kids off to grannies for the day and then read him the riot act. There is no way on earth you should still be acting the doting wife for someone who is leaving you for another woman and happy to lie to your face while sexting her in your company! Calling you to ask what time his dinner will be on the table?! That's the most astonishingly selfish thing I've ever heard! Tell him to fcuk off and make his own meals, if he doesn't want to be with you then you don't have to do ANYTHING for him! :mad:

Why are you sharing a bed with the man? Doing his washing?! :eek: Ask him to get out and into a hotel room, get him on the couch, anything - stop acting like nothing is going on or you'll end going mad and exploding. You have every right to be damn angry and really upset - there is no shame in that and there is no point pretending you aren't for the sake of your kids, they are going to know something is not right even if you don't vocalise it. If your husband does leave then you'll be the one left to pick up the pieces on your own.

I don't know how old your kids are but you both need to sit down with each other and in turn with your kids and let them know what is going on. Then you need to get hold of a solicitor and come to some kind of legal and financial agreement, don't let him just walk out and disappear. Oh - and don't let him even try to blame you. If our spouses are doing something annoying then we tell them about it and work on making the relationship work, you don't just demand a divorce and set up house with someone else you've been having sexy conversations with while married. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Ok this is going to be a bit controversial but I would say keep doing what you're doing and dont say anything just yet.

Speak to a solictor first as you I think the evidence of infidelity plays a big part in the whole divorce thing. If not, then yeh, stop making his dinner etc, thats just lunacy

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Don't be treated like **** for the sake of your kids, all you're doing is teaching the girls that it's ok for men to treat women like sh*t and you're teaching your sons how to treat women like crap.

Make copies of everything you can find relating to your bastard hubbie's infidelity. Make copies of EVERYTHING so when you go to court you get the house, money, etc, (which you probably will anyways). Your husband is a <snip>, plain and simple, treat him like one. As soon as you have copies of everything kick him out. For f*cks sake get indignant woman!!!! Get really angry, it'll keep you strong, you can crumble when it's sorted and he's gone but for now throw your shoulders back and keep your chin up. He's treating you like sh*t, how dare he do that to his partner? to the mother of his kids? Get rid of his pathetic ass!!!

The very best of luck!

Burrawang

Hi
thanks for all the replies, he is still at the same, the poor thing was down in the dumps yesterday till he got his chat with her and then he was chirpy for the rest of the day. He must be telling her how hard it is for him and she is keeping his spirits up, bless her... I have done a bit more digging and they are planning a trip together, in fairness he is looking for nice hotels for her when she comes. As far as she is concerned, she knows about me as he has married on his status on facebook ( where he now has me blocked from seeing any of this but I do, the thick f**ker). As you may guess there is an undertone of anger in this, but this is what is keeping me going. I will keep this up until I have all that I need to do for myself done before I drop a bombshell..
Its sad really, I am the type of person that does not do harm to others but never forgive those who do harm to me and in a weird sort of way his daily actions are what keeps me going to nail his sorry ass..
Thanks again advice taken..

Cheap Thrills!

Where is he getting money for hotels?

Make sure to ringfence any common funds that he has access to. Joint account etc

Also, this going off to work in another country, make sure you can get maintenance for the kids from him, might be hard if he is abroad.

cafecolour

Mack O'Velli wrote: »

Ok this is going to be a bit controversial but I would say keep doing what you're doing and dont say anything just yet.

Speak to a solictor first as you I think the evidence of infidelity plays a big part in the whole divorce thing. If not, then yeh, stop making his dinner etc, thats just lunacy

I'd actually 2nd this - keep up the front for a bit while you consult a solicitor and gather practical information. Not that the divorce needs to be nasty (or you need to make it nasty), but you're in a stronger position not to be taken advantage of if you know your options.

Staying together 'for the kids' is just going to create a poisonous atmosphere. I'd say you're heading for a separation, so you might as well prepare for it.

cafecolour

Burrawang wrote: »

As you may guess there is an undertone of anger in this, but this is what is keeping me going. I will keep this up until I have all that I need to do for myself done before I drop a bombshell..
Its sad really, I am the type of person that does not do harm to others but never forgive those who do harm to me and in a weird sort of way his daily actions are what keeps me going to nail his sorry ass..
Thanks again advice taken..

Def do what you need to to take care of yourself, but try to keep any vindictiveness in check for the kid's sake. I.e. make sure not to badmouth him to them, and don't try to interfere with his role as a father in order to hurt him (in the sense of I wouldn't use visitation/custody rights and the like as a bargaining chip). You want to extract your self as cleanly as possible to get on with your own life, and just deal with him in regards to the kids.

slowmoe

op it sounds as if you are still marrried but he is just justifying his cheating by 'breaking up'. you still do everything for him as a wife except sex and you still share a bed. somehow even though you have money troubles he can afford nice hotels for his mistress?

just look after yourself and your children, leave his washing for him to do himself, let him cook his own dinner and tell him as he has decided to break up then you want him out of your bedroom, he can sleep in a spare room or on the couch etc. if he wants to end your relationship then he should accept the consequences and sadly lose his unpaid maid which seems to be how he sees you.

start making a list of all your incomings and outgoings. and keep a seperate list of all contact you know of with his mistress. keep a diary and keep it hidden, you will need actual dates and times of incidents so its not just hearsay. good luck

dudara

Peggypeg - you keep skating on thin ice. That kind of language is vile and is never called for.

Infracted

dudara

Burrawang

When I said bombshell, I meant letting him know that I knew and to get lost. I would never stop or interfere in him having access to his children. I have seen the bitterness that is left behind before from friends that have separated, so I won't be going down that road. Having your parents split up is bad enough with out that. However I will say nothing for now and gather my information. The love, trust, respect is gone so in my head I am coming to terms with this, don't know how long it will take me but I will....

Thanks again, I have not spoken a word of this to anyone yet and this has helped me get my head around it first.
Burrawang

katie99

Oh the joys of the Internet.
I have a few questions to ask you about your husband's day to day lifestyle.

1. why isn't he actively seeking a job either full or part time?
2. why isn't he actively signing up to do a new skills course?
3. why don't you delegate jobs around the house and garden for him to do?
4. do you work? Or how much money is coming into the household each week?
5. How can he afford to go away with this bit on the side if he is unemployed?

My comments:
this guy has the best of both worlds. A wife who is running around after him at his beck and call and his bit on the side who logs on to whatever website it is and chats dirty to him.
I agree that you should see a solicitor and get as much advice as possible as to the next step. Get all your financial affairs in order and try transferring money from the joint account to your own, if you have one.
I would also talk to an IT expert who is able to download ALL his conversations with this person from the computer hard driver for use as evidence against him.
He may erase those chats and think that's fine but in fact they always remain on the hard drive.
You must start standing up to him. Don't be brow beaten by him. Tell him to cook the dinner every second evening, wash up and put the kids to bed.
Don't give him as much time to loll around the house with his computer.
Hope it works for you.

Des Carter

OK is it just me or has everyone forgotten by far the most important thing, THE CHILDREN.

So what I would advise you to do is to talk to your husband. Just approach in a non agressive way. Just tell him you know whats going on with the texts and you need to resolve the situation as quickly and as painfree as possible regardless of how ye do it for the sake of the children.

I believe that any form of divorce or seperation has negative affects on children (blaming themselves etc) so I would advise you to try and make the marriage work for the kids. Of course he would have to agree and be willing to at least try to change the same way that you would have to agree to at least try to forgive. If this isnt possible then you shouldnt even try. As I believe that a family where a mother and father hate each other is just as bad.

I would advise some sort of marriage counselling, It may be expensive but so is going to court. You should talk openly and honestly to each other and you will soon know if there is any hope for the marriage.

Id say the worst thing you could do is to carry on like everything is OK because the children (no matter what age) will notice the negative feelings between ye and this is bound to have some sort of affect on them unless they are older (over 14) and if thats the case you should talk to them about whats going on (no need to go into details) so it wont be a shock to them and good luck.

seenitall

Des Carter, you are completely deluded about the meaning of any children's welfare if you think that it is in their best interest to see their mother married to a person who is capable of treating her with such disrespect and manipulation. And the fact that person is their father only makes it even more unbearable for everyone concerned.

No, having children is not good enough reason to continue to share your life and your bed, or "work on the marriage" (what marriage?? he dumped her already!) with a cruel, cheating, scheming backstabber - would it be for you? If it would, fair play, you must be a martyr of the first order.

Children are not some silly non-sentient beings, and they will understand more about life, marriage, respect and self-respect, not to mention about not blaming themselves for a cheater's actions, in one considerate, reasonable and calm conversation around the coffee table, than they would in years of seeing before them an unhappy mother whose dignity as a human being and as a woman is being eroded day in, day out.

squalshy

Des Carter wrote: »

OK is it just me or has everyone forgotten by far the most important thing, THE CHILDREN.

So what I would advise you to do is to talk to your husband. Just approach in a non agressive way. Just tell him you know whats going on with the texts and you need to resolve the situation as quickly and as painfree as possible regardless of how ye do it for the sake of the children.

I believe that any form of divorce or seperation has negative affects on children (blaming themselves etc) so I would advise you to try and make the marriage work for the kids. QUOTE]


I'm sorry but I more than disagree with your advice. My parents stayed together for over 10 years miserable and hating being married to each other for at least 6 of those years - for the sake of the children!
Children aren't stupid and they pick up on the atmosphere in the house. I can 100% say that, after the initial difficulties when they seperated, it was the best thing for the sake of the children that they did seperate and eventually divorce. Now both my parents can be happy in their lives that they have moved on and in turn we are all very happy and well adjusted and have much better relationships with our parents than we would have if our only memories of them were are 2 people who felt they'd missed out on happiness - for the sake of the children.

OP - you'll know whats right for you. My personal opinion is that, despite the anger and hurt, you don't want this to be a mess. You do need to sort out your finances, get your documentation, go to a solicitor and tell him the day before the solicitors letter arrives that you know everything and you want to divorce. At that point let the penny drop and let the solicitor handle everything and let him realise the mess he has landed himself in.

Regardless of that plan, I also think you need to start building yourself up to that and start to make the seperation in your head. Let him shop for his own food, cook his own dinner, wash his own clothes and sleep elsewhere. You dont need to tell him to do this - just stop doing it for him. When he has no clean pants and asks you for them, you remind him you are no longer his wife and he needs to start to learn to look after himself.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope you pull through it ok.

LegacyUser

Was in a similar situation myself a few years ago op, can only say stop doing things for him. think on the situation yourself and decide whether you want to break up or whether you would like to put it to him that you try working on the situation or go to counselling. be prepared that if you do ask hhim he may not wish to. stop everything for him, make sure he leaves your bedroom and move his things out so he doesnt have an excuse to be going into your room. make a diary of all your bills and expenses and what you have cooming in the door. if you have a joint account start putting away an unnoticable amount of money like 20 here, 50 there etc as if he is spending money on nice hotels he probably wont be generous with maintenance and could leave you in a bad way. go to the solicitor and get proper advice on what you should be doing. keep a record of all the dates and times he is on to his girlfriend and if you can see the nice hotels check the dates and price range, so later on if he claims he has no money to eat you can bring up on x x x and x dates you were in a 200 euro hotel etc.

good luck and i hope it works out as well as possible for you