misconceptions getting me down

LegacyUser

I find it hard to write this out in a way that makes sense, but I'll give it a go..

Recently it's hit home how I have completley misinterpreted situations, in that I think things went better than they did and I am then brought down to earth with a crash when another perspective is given.

For example, I spent a time abroad. From my perspective, there was a large group that I socialized with there, I had limited problems with one person, and sometimes felt "out of the loop" with others although I often put this down to irrational insecurity from my past and carried on spending time with them and getting on with my life there in other ways too. From my perspective, I had a great time, it was very successful academically and personally, I have lots of very good memories, I often feel nostalgia for the place, I am still in contact with some people I met there and most importantly, I felt very proud of myself for integrating, making a life for myself, working there and just maturing and becoming more confident and independant.

Until I was talking to another Irish person who knew me over there and said that I "hung around with a lot of people that were horrible to me and just took it". On the surface it might seem petty, the problem was the inference that I was weak and desperate to be liked and just accepted abuse. It struck a nerve since I had problems with that in childhood and teens, I was disgusted with myself then but I thought I was past it. I had a really positive perspective on things but how can someone else have a perspective that's so different and so negative to mine without there being something in it?

It reminded me of another time, when I was in the other country with a new friend I'd made. We had been there quite a few months at this stage, and during the conversation, she said that people seemed surprised when they find out that I will be attending events etc. It made me feel kind of invisible because I felt I attended a lot of events, and then maybe think that maybe I am anti social which, again, completely goes against how I percieved the situation.

Again, these two situations alone seem trivial, but let me explain.

The problem I have is that it is really tearing apart a great source of my self esteem. Whenever I want to feel proud of myself, all I have to think about is how I came through hardship, had lots of fun and created a life for myself during this period, now, because of these other perspectives, the memories are somewhat tainted. I know on an intellectual level I shouldn't care what others think, but it does put doubts in my mind. What if I was just "rationalising" a bad situation, what if I just looked at things with rose tinted glasses because the truth was so unbearable. These people are friends, they have no reason to be jealous of me or try to purposely put me down so I do trust their opinions, this is combined with the fact that it touches into issues I had - namely, having poor social skills, giving a negative impression of myself which I was unaware of (that I am cold or don't like people), becoming invisible, and trying too hard to break into a group and be liked. I just find it disconcerting and unbearably sad that my perspective of that period could be so different to the potential reality, that all the issues that I thought I had overcome where out in force, and that a massive source of pride and accomplishment for me might have really happened. I am just so down about it. It's knocked me for six. I don't know what to do or what to tell myself.

glasta

Its understandable to feel that way. If you have self esteem issues (as I do) its very easy to be knocked down like you have described. As you said, thinking logically doesnt help much, its just something you have to try and work through. I havent found a 'cure' yet and it can be terribly draining. If it helps keep posting or feel free to drop me a pm if you want to chat as I'm used dealing with those feelings.

LegacyUser

I think it's more likely that the person who told you this misinterpreted the situation rather then you did. How well did this person know the group that you hung out with? This person probably heard a bit of bitching or something (possible from the person you had limited problems with) and assumed the situation was much worse for you then it was. Were these people horrible to you? You hung out with them you would surely have noticed if there was much bad feeling in the group regarding you. You say you're still in contact with some of them so they can't have disliked you that much. Maybe this person was just being over sensitve to minor issue within the group.

I can understand this getting you down if you have self esteem but don't the (probably wrong) opinions of one person get you down and ruin your memories.

Donkey Oaty

...what if I just looked at things with rose tinted glasses because the truth was so unbearable.

But what you are doing now is viewing the situation with ash-tinted glasses provided by your friends.

No need for that. You were there. You saw it with your own eyes.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Glasta, thank you for your kind words, you're right, it is absolutely exhausting.

Pinky, the irish girl who knows me here in Ireland didn't really spend time with the people I did. She came along on one or two occasions but I feel she really didn't try and integrate and she didn't like the people. The second girl was a part of the group. I think part of the problem was that I would confide in the Irish girl as well as another Irish friend and I think the two of them talked about it amongst themselves too. But when I confided, I would be upset so I think I was just focussing on the negative and so, I might have presented it as worse than it was, I wasn't giving a balanced view.

Donkey Oaty, I see what you're saying, but a part of me wonders if they had a point and I am just trying to convince myself otherwise because it's a source of confidence for me.

LegacyUser

so.down wrote: »

but a part of me wonders if they had a point and I am just trying to convince myself otherwise because it's a source of confidence for me.

I think you get confidence when you finally stop taking other people's word as gospel. It took me a long time to realise that everyone else is uncertain, has their difficulties etc which results in them shooting their mouths off! You say your friend didn't get on with the group you were with, so your friend was probably feeling insecure and blabbed on about something else to make herself feel better. That something else just happened to be about you.
Don't take it to heart. See it for what it is, your friend just letting off some steam. She or nobody else is qualified to say what sort of person you are, only you know what type of person you are and the experiences you've been through.
If this happens to you again, talk to the person about it and let them know that you think you're getting on just fine. Either they'll agree, or they won't agree. If they don't agree, don't be afraid to have an open discussion about it. It'll help you to get it off your chest-silently second guessing yourself doesn't do your self esteem any good.
good luck