Marriage in a mess

LegacyUser

What is the next step? Is this the way things should be? Just over 6 years into our marrage and my wife and I are just about hanging in there. We have 3 beautiful kids but all we do is just about get along. I would liken it to working with someone who you don't like but you just get on with it because you have to. Sometimes things are okay and there is a relaxation in our relationship but to the most part it is just labour some to say the least. I work hard ause and kids (1 boy and twin girls under 3) and that with my new role has people massaging my ego. And this is not right; yes I am now in management but I'm a humble person when it comes to work.

Plus to throw into the mix, I've now work with someone I knew years ago. I would have had feelings for her back then but because of shyness back then I didn't do anything about it. Now out of nowhere she is back in my life and its making me confused. This would be a girl that would have made the list of girls you'd say to yourself "what if".

Just writing this makes me squirm as I really should just cop on and work harder at my marriage but I just have a feeling in my gut that its not right and 4/5 times my gut instinct is right.

Lot of things going on her but any help with all or part of my problems would be appreciated. Thanks

Wurly

My opinion is that either you work on your marriage or you get out.

Don't have an affair. What's the point? It will cause so much heartache down the line for you and your family.

Ickle Magoo

You have a choice. You either want to and try to make your marriage work because you love your wife - or you don't love her and you tell her that it's over. Having your cake and eating it in these situations nearly always ends in total disaster.

Three kids under three are bloody hard work, make sure you aren't just kidding yourself that some woman you only see in a professional capacity without the daily grind and every-day hassles isn't just making the grass seem greener before throwing everything away. Have a good think about what you really want and why and then be honest with everyone else affected.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice. Please keep it coming. We're working on it but it just seems like a loop that keeps coming around and around again, only the time period is getting less and less. We've actually said to eachother that we're only in it for the kids at the minute and that, in the greater scheme of things, is not right.

LegacyUser

OP - i am in the same boat.

3 kids under 4 and a wife who barely looks at me.
We went to counselling and are getting on much better now.
I was never tempted into an affair but who knows what would have happened.
The counsillor brought out a good few things into the open - not talking, too much influence from her family, different social backgrounds etc
If you don't want it to work it won't - if you do then do something about it.

coupleofproblems

coupleofproblems wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. Please keep it coming. We're working on it but it just seems like a loop that keeps coming around and around again, only the time period is getting less and less. We've actually said to eachother that we're only in it for the kids at the minute and that, in the greater scheme of things, is not right.

try something new with your wife. a holiday where you both might not normally go and things you may not normally do. think of it as an investment in your marriage. you owe it to your kids

txt_mess

First off don't go down the route of an affair if you look on here you'll see examples of people who ahve doen the affair thing and it's a short term thing not a solution.

Like the poster "likeyou" says you need to work on where you are actually going , maybe a counsellor might be able to help you do this but I would say if you guys aren't bitter about it some people work as better parents as a separate so keep things friendly for the kids.

Good luck whichever way you go.

dromarka

i knew very early on in my marraige that it would not last, if deep down you know the same thing then end it.
i stayed in for the sake of my kids and waited till they had both reached 18.
the words of my son still ring in my ears when he told me that if i was that unhappy i should have left years before and that they would have been ok
also doing what i did was unfair on my ex as she has not been able to adjust to a single life after 20 years of marraige (5 years on now) and i doubt if she ever will
but do not have an affair it will only confuse you
all the best

Miller Boy

Very honest and thought provoking post, Dromarka. Thanks for sharing it and I hope things have improved for you.

Beffy

I think you need to talk to your wife about it. Can the two of you really stay together until your children are adults for their sakes without going mad? Trust me, kids/teenagers pick up on these things, they might think that is how a husband/wife relationship should be. My parents stayed together for the sake of their kids, I wish they hadn't bothered as it wasn't easy seeing them in total misery with eachother.
Having an affair might bring temporary relief but in the long run you owe it to your wife & kids to see if there is a future with your wife before you begin to think of relationships with other women.

dromarka

thank miller
yes things are great for me now and i have a very good relationship with my children i hope this will be of some comfort to the OP

boxercreations

I know exactly how you feel. My self and partner had been there for the last 3 years or so, doing the "lets try again" - "let's try for the kids" loop at least once a year.
We finally split Jan 25th and the relief has been immense.
Yes financially I am in poor shape but emotionally and I am a different person. I feel positive and optimistic, we had chosen to compromise for so long, simply to avoid what is a sad truth - we had no common ground left beyond the kids, no common objectives for the future and no real desire to alter it. It's was like knowing you need a tooth pulling but avoiding sugar instead, you know the rot is there and one day you will have to face the dentist but instead it's easier to just wait until tomorrow.... but nothing changes.
Be honest - do you want to wake up beside your wife in 3, 7, 25 years time - and if not then why do you want to tomorrow, next week, next month? Believe me the kids will gain little from a loveless marriage.
I would not muddy the waters by forming any emotional or sexual relationship with anybody else - as comforting as it may seem, you need open and honest dialogue with your wife. No one deserves the deception and if this "girl from the past" could be in your future, she'll be there in 6 months.
Find someone to talk to openly who hasn't any emotional vestiture in either of you if possible, and discover your goals and then when you have a clear idea, talk to your wife.
I'm just sorry I didn't face my gut feeling while pregnant with dd2 and it took another 2 years to face up to it.
Good Luck
P.S I have to add I am not saying don't try to make it work - just that you know if you have already tried and feel no better off.

LegacyUser

I'd just like to say thanks to all who are contributing to this thread. In one way it's good to know that I'm not alone.

Couple of things to clear up: although I do think about the girl from my past a fair bit it is not my intention to cheat on my wife. I'd have to be honest and say that I would avoid any situations where I might be weak (drink involved for one) so that I wouldn't be tempted to say anything. I know that if I do, even though I'm sure she has feelings for me and wants to settle down from her single life I don't want to cheat on my marriage and my wife. Yes in the short term it might feel good but not in the long run. As bad as my head is at the minute at least I'm not harbouring an affair also.

In the last couple of days my wife and I were able to get a bit of time to ourselves and we talked a fair bit about where we are at right now. We both agreed that we are on the brink right now and what we are doing at present is "for the kids". But what we did agree on is that we will go an see a professional in marriage councilling and that there is too much for us to just throw away.

We did connect again and it was lovely to see the woman I met and fell in love with all those years ago. My trust in her and in our relationship has taken a battering over the past couple of years but I do want to give it one more push at least.