Starting to get scared

LegacyUser

i really need some of u to give me your opinion on this. i've been having mental problems lately. i've been depressed, which isn't unsual for me. its some problem i've had since my mid teens. usually i'm able to get over this sort of thing on my own and maybe i could this time but the kind of thoughts im having are really worrying.
sometimes i feel like i have to hurt someone. i'm not trying to sound hard r scary but sometimes i really feel like this. usually the person is myself. i feel like i should kill myself or harm myself in some way. when i had bad depression at bout 15 i used to find ways to hurt myself and not let people know (small cuts/burns, punch myself, bang my head on things) i nver saw anyone about it and after a year or so it went away. it was a relief because in that time i REALLY had moments when i felt like finishing myself. i didnt want to die though, is the weird thing, it was like a compulsion. this time its different though. i still sometimes want to hurt myself but i havnt, instead my thoughts about hurting myself r turning to other people. i know its wrong and i dont do it on purpose. when i sleep of course i do all the things i have urges to do.
i really feel disgusted with myself. i dont realy want to hurt anyone i'm not that kind of person! i've started rationalising suicide. because at least if i'm dead i can't do any of the things i'm dreaming about. wtf is wrong with me? i've always been weird but i never thought i could turn into this!
knw i should prob get help right? how do i tell someone all the things i been thinking? i'm so ashamed of it i even feel horrible writing them anonymously on the internet ):

Strokesfan

I feel for you, that sounds really distressing for you. You shouldn't feel ashamed because you clearly care about these thoughts you're having but can't control them.
What was going on in your life when you said you started self-harming? Is it a way of coping with things? Are you angry with the people you have those thoughts about?

Miss Fluff

You should definitely seek professional help. You have nothing to be ashamed of and don't feel bad about what you're going through. Have you a good GP that you can trust? Have you told anyone about how you're feeling?

LegacyUser

thanks for replying guys
@ Strokes: when i started i was being bullied real bad. was really angry at myself so started taking it out physically. its very rare that the people i have violent thoughs about are the ones who hurt me, most of the time they're just random faces. i'm happy to say i never dreamt about hurting someone i love

@ Fluff: my gp isnt great but i think its a matter of time before i go. i think i'll deal with this better if i have someone to intervene. so far i only told one of my mates that i'm feeling depressed. didnt go into detail coz i didn't want to scare them

jenny4385

hi OP
you ve posted the message that i was always tooo shy and scared to post in case of what people thought of me...
if your reg on boards n want to pm to chat feel free..
my gp is useless as well n i dont feel confident at all bout going and talking to him.. i just think people will laugh in my face..
your so brave for writing all this.. this is the 1st step to getting the help that you need.. admitting that you feel like this is the right way to start..
take care

degrassinoel

went through a really long phase of that during the latter half of secondary school due to being bullied.
same fantasies(daydreams in my case) about beating the crap out of the guys that did it, self harming was a little less for me, i'd bite my fist or punch a wall. still have the scars from it.

I ended up buying a punching bag on capel street, and took out the days woes on it every day for weeks on end.. didnt help with the bullying but i didnt have that horrible blinding violent inward frustration after knocking the punching bag around for a few minutes.

sounds like utter crap but it helped me

dont delve too deeply into the dreams, they could just as easily be the stress of thinking too hard about the situation.

have a think about what ye need to do anyway, hope some of this helps in some way.