Would it be wrong to contact relatives of Ex on Facebook?

Jessiegirl

I found some cousins of an ex on Facebook, lovely girls, very friendly to me the few occassions I met them, put us up at funerals, very hospitable and welcoming.
Would it be wrong to drop them a line on Facebook to wish them well and say thanks again or would it look like stalking? I guess nothing much to be gained but just I can't return the hospitality now and something I had a wee inkling to do. They're on other side of country to him so he doesn't see them often anyway. Or would that be part of not letting go?

Miss Fluff

You'd actually be putting them in quite an awkward position by contacting them. They are as much as part of your past, albeit a teensy part, as your ex so there is no point in contacting them. I'm sure you expressed your gratitude appropriately at the time.

Jessiegirl

Thanks Miss Fluff. I don't see how it would be putting them in an awkward position though, they don't be in touch with him much, not like maybe contacting his sister would perhaps (who is pregnant and due next month and I'd love to know how she gets on but I wouldn't mail her like). They're great girls and I'm sure it wouldn't bother them.

Anyway I suppose it's dragging up the past for me maybe which is a far more important consideration.

Ickle Magoo

Sounds like you have your mind made up and you only posted hoping for agreement...

I agree with Miss Fluff, I think you'd look decidedly odd and the people you contact would wonder whether responding was encouraging you or not. People don't "happen upon" their ex's or their ex's relatives without looking and the fact they are looking tells it's own story. You have to be realistic - these people didn't put you up or were nice to you out the goodness of their hearts, they did it because you were the gf of their cousin - they are probably doing exactly the same for his current gf.

I think you should accept the relationship is over and that means that making contact out of the blue with his family, close or no, is not appropriate. If they contacted you, fair enough - but they haven't and there is probably a very good reason why.

Best of luck.

Jessiegirl

I've made my mind up? How the hell do you make that out from the post?
Rest of your post is irrelevant after that comment. Take care you too.

dreamer_ire

I agree with Miss Fluff and Ickle. I'm sure you thanked them at the time. You don't know these people any other way than through your ex. I'd consider it strange if a relation's ex contacted me through fb to say thank you for something they thanked me for at the time.

I get where Ickle is going from saying it looks like you have your mind made up too considering your post started by saying you couldn't see why it might put them in a awkard position. Just my 2c worth.

Jessiegirl

I'm just throwing up my current thoughts. No mind made up, nothing done. I know it's not the best of ideas but sure we all get ideas don't we.
If I had made my mind up would I be posting here to run my thoughts by posters?? It is the past and the past usually best to stay there a lot of the time. Thanks for your thoughts.

Enemy Of Fate

I agree with the other posters that it seems like you've already made up your mind and are just looking for people to agree.You're pretty defensive about the whole thing as well which certainly doesn't help your case. Whatever you decide in the end its up to you, but really it doesn't seem like a good idea and I certainly wouldn't do it.

Cheap Thrills!

It would be odd and stalkery.

You asked the question and that the honest answer.

Jessiegirl

I'm sorry but I have to say yet again I fail to see where people think I've made my mind up - why would I have posted? I'm flabbergasted that people all seem to think that. That's totally insane. So if I'm defensive so what, everyones jumped on the bandwagon and that's very wierd to me as I'm a rational person ..... but thanks for the joint observation... Lol

Anyway I was with someone for 11 years and despite having a child together do not contact (nor they I) and very rarely see any of his relatives. I do perfectly understand that the past usually has to stay were it is. It's finite and usually has to be put out of mind.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Why do you think none of them have added you?

Every situation is different but I think a general rule in a heterosexual relationship is that contacting your partners family members of opposite sex is definitely not on, and same sex members its usually a bit odd.

Jessiegirl

They wouldn't even know my surname.

I don't want to add them as friends, just send a message, end of.

There are no rules though, every situation is different. A lot of the time when people have children they may continue relationships with ex's families. This is not the case in this instance though.

The fact I am pondering it actually shows how much doubt I have about something like this, quite the opposite of what people for some reason think.

I probably won't be contacting them as there are too many doubts.

Barracudaincork

If i received a friend request or message from my cousins ex, i would think they were cookoo basically! It would be even strange after meeting them once if I was still with their cousin, so an ex makes it the crazy part.

They let you stay at their place, thats nice of them, im sure you thanked them at the time, thats enough. It really does look you would be a crazy stalker who cant get over their ex if you contact them IMO.

Jessiegirl

A crazy salker, hmm, will I did ask that in the OP.

So general consensus agrees with what I was wondering in the OP (where no mind was made up)

I personally think the whole ex thing and not being allowed contact people is very sad though. World shouldn't be like that but sure life sucks anyway.

They'll probably be just as nice to the next gf, if he can keep one for long enough to meet them

Barracudaincork

Jessiegirl wrote: »

A crazy salker, hmm, will I did ask that in the OP.

So general consensus agrees with what I was wondering in the OP (where no mind was made up)

I personally think the whole ex thing and not being allowed contact people is very sad though. World shouldn't be like that but sure life sucks anyway.

They'll probably be just as nice to the next gf, if he can keep one for long enough to meet them

Its not like your not allowed to contact people, but you only met these people once, it wasnt like you all hung out and you are friends or that you saw them regularly.

Life doesnt suck, life is what you make it IMO.

Your last line makes you come accross as a bitter ex girlfriend, that may not be the case, but thats whats coming accross at the moment.

Jessiegirl

I met them a few time at family events, not just once.

Life does suck sometimes, sometimes **** happens and no matter what we make of our lives we have no control over it.
It sucks sometimes full stop, I doubt if anyone would disagree with that!

I'm not bitter, maybe sad, but if want to make that observation based on one line in a post then fire away. He never had long relationships that's all.

Barracudaincork

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I met them a few time at family events, not just once.

My apologies, i thought it was only the once.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Life does suck sometimes, sometimes **** happens and no matter what we make of our lives we have no control over it.
It sucks sometimes full stop, I doubt if anyone would disagree with that!

Fair enough that is your opinion, i only stated mine, thats the beauty of the world, we all view it differently, it would be vey dull if we all saw it the same way eh?

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I'm not bitter, maybe sad, but if want to make that observation based on one line in a post then fire away. He never had long relationships that's all.

As i say it may be the case your not bitter, i was only letting you know the impression your one line gave, not that you were, i was trying to be helpful not rude, which i think you may have taken it to be. You allowed to be sad too btw, thats normal

Jessiegirl

One too many assumptions made perhaps eh....sure you'll know better in future. Have a good one.

JonathanAnon

I wouldnt see it as such a big deal. My brother was going out with a girl for years.. He's a bit of a bollox, kind of made her think that he was gonna marry her and then dumped her... but she still meets up with my mother and cousins any time that she is up this way.. (she lives about 200kms away, so they wouldnt cross paths normally).

I think you have to ask yourself honestly. Am I communicating with them through facebook cos I actually like them, or has it something to do with your ex. Did you actually innocently come across them on facebook, OR did you search for them??

Jessiegirl

You rarely happen upon people in Facebook so I think that answers that.
Ach they're just really lovely girls thats all, if I wanted to be in touch with him sure I could try making contact. I just have fond memories of meeting them that's all. Have to just leave it, maybe our paths will cross again some day.

Barracudaincork

Jessiegirl wrote: »

One too many assumptions made perhaps eh....sure you'll know better in future. Have a good one.

I only made one assumption, the one that you only met the once, the rest of my posts were opinions not assumptions. You really need to chill out, you bite back at every poster here, you sound like a very angry women and no doubt your retort to this post will compound my opinion of that too.

Jessiegirl

Listen if you want to make assumptions on someone's frame of mind, especially mine expect to get it back.
So now I'm angry too PML....
I take it as written and it's insulting.
Take care, I just had an issue and people have helped, didn't need a character asassination too. I'm sure you are a 100% balanced human being

Barracudaincork

Look i didnt mean for you to take my comments to heart so much, i have meant no offence to you in my posts, but i fear you are to wound up by my posts to see that.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I'm sure you are a 100% balanced human being

God no, id be the first to admit it, and i have plenty who could second it!

Jessiegirl

I'm not wound up, more insults.
I've been posting on different forums for years and well used to it. I have no time for people getting personal and passing remarks like yours though, that's all. You should watch what you are saying, there is a posting etiquette. Now I'm not doing this last word thing with you so I hope you would leave it now, I had way back and then you posted your 'bitter' thread. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Barracudaincork

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I'm not wound up, more insults.
I've been posting on different forums for years and well used to it. I have no time for people getting personal and passing remarks like yours though, that's all. You should watch what you are saying, there is a posting etiquette. Now I'm not doing this last word thing with you so I hope you would leave it now, I had way back and then you posted your 'bitter' thread. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

If you had an issue with my posts, report them and ignore them, problem solved.

Thank you for your well wishes.

Jessiegirl

LOL, you're back for the last word, knew it, sad.

tinkerbell

Ok so your ex's cousins were hospitable to you before and now you want to message them on facebook to thank them for their hospitality?

There is no need, let it go. And in my opinion, the reason you have for messaging them is strange and unnecessary. They would probably think you were not over your ex and a bit stalkerish.

Jessiegirl

Thanks tinkerbell.

The Recliner

Jessiegirl wrote: »

LOL, you're back for the last word, knew it, sad.

Jessegirl please don't insult other posters

You came here asking for advice, you are not necessarily going to like everything you hear but that doesn't mean the other person is insulting you

Pretty_Pistol

Going by what you have said yourself you don't seem to have a relationship with his other family members so I would leave it. They are his cousins not yours so I don't really see what you would gain from it. They were kind and hospitable and I'm sure you thanked them at the time so no need to message them on FB.

mood

dreamer_ire wrote: »

I agree with Miss Fluff and Ickle. I'm sure you thanked them at the time. You don't know these people any other way than through your ex. I'd consider it strange if a relation's ex contacted me through fb to say thank you for something they thanked me for at the time.

I get where Ickle is going from saying it looks like you have your mind made up too considering your post started by saying you couldn't see why it might put them in a awkard position. Just my 2c worth.

Totally agree. Why drag all this up? What is the point. They will really think it's odd. Do you really want that to be the topic of conversation at his next family gathering!

LegacyUser

I have NEVER seen such a series of aggressive responses by someone who posted here ASKING for peoples opinions and then proceeded to slaughter everyone who didnt give the answer that you clearly want us all to give.

And for the record I would think it extremely odd if someone who I never met, excepting at a formal time (wedding, funeral etc), contacted me to thank me for being polite in an environment where politeness is required and expected.

You seem very hurt over the breakup/your ex. This is normal, take your time.

Regards.

ihavetosay

ihavetosay wrote: »

I have NEVER seen such a series of aggressive responses by someone who posted here ASKING for peoples opinions and then proceeded to slaughter everyone who didnt give the answer that you clearly want us all to give.

And for the record I would think it extremely odd if someone who I never met, excepting at a formal time (wedding, funeral etc), contacted me to thank me for being polite in an environment where politeness is required and expected.

You seem very hurt over the breakup/your ex. This is normal, take your time.

Regards.

+1

I thought twice about adding my ex's sister on Facebook, and I'd seen her every weekend for 2 years, given her grinds, got the bus out to his parents' house a good few times with her, so I knew her pretty well and saw her more than I saw my best friends. I still hesitated in case it seemed stalkerish, since I was now his ex and he had a new girlfriend. And I was getting those 'add so-and-so' messages cos we had about 6 friends in common. Adding some ex's cousins you met a few times is plain stalkerish, IMO.

zxcvbnm1

i genuinely don't understand why you want to send a message thru fb.

You thanked them at the time presumably. Thats plenty.

Why do u feel thsi need to thank them a second time when you have already thanked them?
I don't get that.

It's entirely unnecessary and they will think it's a bit odd.

Jessiegirl

Well ihavetosay....I don't think anything was particularaly agreesive and whatever else you may imagine about me and but heck you are entitled to your view I guess even it it's wrong. I've read a lot worse on Boards though so have to completely disagree with that part.

I don't see what's wrong with being friendly but as I was wondering most see it as stalkerish, which is the main thing, like I was wondering in OP would it seem that way.

Thanks again

LegacyUser

it would be weird.

if a cousins ex contacted me, the first thing i would do is check with him. if he is not in touch with her, no way would i let her befriend me. i would assume she is trying to use me, to glean information about what he is up to via my page/pics etc.


it sounds like you two did not exactly have an amicable breakup/or that it was recent enough, and you are still coming to terms with it. and i wish you well, its not easy to move on.

another poster made an excellent point - if you did message them, would you want you to be the topic/object of ridicule at their next family gathering.

Splendour

OP, do you still have feelings for your ex? (Sounds like you do) How long is it since you broke up?

Why not send the cousins a 'Friend request' on FB and they can ignore or add you if they wish...

ash23

It'd be weird. I have a couple of exs rellies as FB friends but only because they were friends on it before we split. These are people I knew well and still see.

I get recommendations for other relatives of his that I vaguely know but wouldn't dream of adding them. I don't see them and honestly, I don't want them knowing what is going on in my life.

You said thanks for the hospitality at the time. You don't need to thank them again. It would come over as stalkerish and strange.