Social anxiety & wedding reception

LegacyUser

Hi folks, I'm a regular on Boards but i'm going unregistered to post this. I know I'm probably leaving this a bit late but any help you could give me over the next couple of hours would be a big help.

Supposed to be going to a friend's wedding reception tonight. Really don't want to let him down and want to put in some sort of appearance but the thought of it is starting to really freak me out now. I've been panicking about this ever since he invited me but in the past few days and, in particular now, in the last few hours leading up to it, I've been really starting to loose it a bit. I suffer from major social anxiety (one aspect of a litany of problems I have, which I won't go into detail here now) and, as a result, I don't go to weddings, christenings, commmunions, confirmations, parties, etc.

Now, I had to come clean to both him and his fiance (we had a long talk about it one evening about a month ago when I had to RSVP) regarding this and I explained that I may not be able to make it as a result. They were both very understanding and said that they would not necessarily expect me to come then as a result but that, if I did, they'd be delighted to see me there and would look on my attendance as a "bonus", so to speak.

I've got my suit and everything all ready, shoes shined, the whole lot. But as I look at it hanging there, the thought of being in a room with all those people, 99% of whom I don't know, the looks, the expectation to mingle and chat when I don't know what to saw, the whole thing, is really making me panic and I'm starting to doubt my ability to go through with this. However, at the same time, he's one of my very best mates and the thought of not showing up and letting him, his new wife, and everybody else down makes me hate myself too. I want to do this for them, be there for them on their big day, but the fear is really starting to grip me and overwhelm me now as the time ticks away.

So, please, good folks of Boards.ie, any help or advice you could give me regarding this situation and how I might be able to cope with it and get through it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

glasta

Hi there

I've been in similar situations before where I've missed receptions and the like. The good thing about your situation is that your mate and his OH actually know that you suffer from social anxiety. In my case nobody knew so its easy for them to get pissed if you dont go.

Best advise I can offer is go to the reception and play it by ear. If it becomes too much for you, you can slip away. Maybe just go and chat with your mate for 15 minutes and then leave. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

seenitall

What glasta said.

My advice would be to say to yourself now that you will only make a brief appearance, 15 mins or so, just so that your friend can see you there and can see that you have made an effort, but that you will then quietly go, after explaning the situation to him. In this way, you will take some pressure off yourself, that is caused by thinking about how you will feel in the crowded space etc. And then maybe at the wedding itself maybe you will surprise yourself pleasantly and stay a bit longer, as the pressure of "having to" be there will be gone.

If I missed you with the timing, I hope it would be a good advice for any future social occasion; anyway, the best of luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, guys. I haven't left yet, I'm not planning on going until maybe 10-ish, after the meal and everything is finished with and they start the "afters/evening" part, if you will. I told my friend that and he said that's fine.

Anyway, I've just had a shower, going to have a shave now and tidy myself up and see how I'm fixed after that. Still freaking out about it but I think I might try and do as you suggested and just set myself a time limit of 15 or 20 minutes, maybe half and hour tops, go in, see my friend and his missus, congratulate them, say hi to his brother and parents (who I also know well) and if I'm feeling comfortable enough after that I might stay a bit and see how it goes, if not I'll explain things to them and come home then, I'm sure they'll understand and hopefully they'll be happy enough that I made the effort to show my face anyway.

Thanks for all the advice so far. I'll keep checking this thread on and off up until just before I leave so any further help or advice would be much appreciated. Cheers!

dellas1979

Yes, I agree with the guys above. Definitely go and remember that you are free to and can leave anytime you need. Stay positive, keep telling yourself, even when the negative thoughts come, that you will have a good night and that you will be fine. I find sometimes when thoughts etc start racing to take a few deep breaths and take your time.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP,

that sounds rough. A lot of social anxiety is a fear of being judged and as a result in social situations you become focused on yourself and your anxiety. I guarantee you 90% of people suffer from it in some shape or another hence our fondness for the drink. If you go, focus on the people you meet not yourself. Acknowlege you are anxious don't fight it and ask people are they enjoying the evening etc. You could even make a joke like I am useless in these situations. believe me its so much common that you think. Go out, feel the fear and do it anyway. Even if you stay for 15 mins next time it might be 30. Enjoy and best of luck.

tinkerbell

I definitely think you should go. Since you're only planning on attending the part after the meal, then you can just go in, say congrats to the bride & groom and say hello to the people you know, and then see how it goes. Once you start to feel uncomfortable then if you need to, head home. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks once again for all the help, everyone. Well, in the immortal words of one Barney Stinson, I'm all "suited up"! lol. Let's just hope the rest of the night turns out to be "ledgen..... wait for it..... dary!" for me! lol.

Going to head off in about another 20 or 30 minutes or so. I honestly can't see myself staying all night but if show up, say my hellos and make an appearance even, I think that'll be a big relief to me in itself and I won't feel as if I completely let everyone down then. Anyway, I'll let you all know tomorrow how things went. Once again, many thanks for all the advice, it was very much appreciated. Cheers!

Ickle Magoo

You might feel better once you are there? Why not go and see how you get on with an excuse in your head if you really want to leave early?

Best of luck

tinkerbell

Hope tonight went well for ya!

dellas1979

No update. Maybe he had the night of his life!

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that I made it through the night! lol. Just thought you might like to know what happened so here it is. It's a bit of a long read so bear with me. Who knows, reading it might be a help for someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation, I hope.

I showed up at the hotel and hung around outside and in the reception for about 10 minutes, just trying to build myself up and get the adrenaline flowing, so to speak. "Okay, go in, congratulate the bride and groom, say hi to his brother and family. 20 minutes at the most, that's all you need to spend in here. You can do this, you can do this", I kept saying to myself. At one point when I thought I was ready, I walked down the corridor and made it as far as the door of the room when I kind of panicked (hearing all the noise inside probably did it) and turned around thinking, "Nope, can't do this. Best to just head home", and walked back out to the reception. I felt so weak and useless and horrible with myself then for letting my best friend, his wife, his family and everyone else down then that I got all choked up and almost broke down crying right there in the hotel reception. I felt physically sick and disgusted with myself. I walked up to the front door of the hotel, ready to walk out and go home and, I don't know what it was, I can't explain it, but I saw my reflection in the glass and it made me stop and his thought went through my head then along the lines of, "If you don't go through with this, if you let everyone down, if you walk out right now and leave, will you be able to look at this fella in the mirror every day for the rest of your life and be able to live with yourself? No, you won't. So, for f**k's sake, man up, grow a pair of balls and just do it."

I took a few deep breaths, cleared my throat, pulled my shoulders back and walked back down that corridor. Got to the door, stopped for a moment, then opened the door and walked in. Stood around for probably a minute or two trying to see where my mate was but couldn't pick him out in the crowd. Then, out of nowhere, the bride came up to me and said she was delighted I made it, gave me a hug and a kiss and I congratulated her and told her she look stunning. She brought me over to my mate, he said fair play for making it and I shook his hand, congratulated him and I didn't feel so bad then. In that moment I felt a big sense of relief. I had managed to do it, I hadn't let them down, I'd made an appearance and they were happy I showed up and that's all that mattered.

Went and said hi to his parents and his brother (the best man), they were happy I'd shown up as well. Sat and talked with them for a while and, luckily enough, I had made it in time for the first dance and, as I stood there watching them dancing, I thought to myself, "Now, wouldn't you have been kicking yourself if you'd missed this moment?" That's when I actually felt a little moment of pride in myself that I'd managed to pull myself together and I was able to be there to see their first dance as man and wife.

After that, the rest of the night went pretty well. I got chatting to a few lads we'd been in school with but who I hadn't seen in donkey's years so it was nice to see them again and catch up with them a bit. I will admit that, at one point in the night, I did have a strange moment where some memories of something else came to mind (won't go into details but it's a very personal and upsetting kind of thing) and I had to go outside for a breath of fresh air and to just settle myself down again and not let it get to me too much. I went back in then after about 10 minutes and the rest of the night went well. I actually managed to stay right until the end and even danced (if you could call it that! I have the coordination of an elephant on rollerskates when it comes to anything like that! lol) briefly with my mate's mother after she dragged me up! lol.

Everything winded down by about 2.30 so I said goodbye to the lads, my friend's brother and parents and then had a brief chat with him and his wife. Slagged him off a bit about how his life as he knew it was now over and he was now under the thumb of "she who must be obeyed" from now on! lol. That's just the way we are, we have the same sense of humour and always slag each other off that way, there's no harm or malice meant in it or anything. Left at about 2.45 and, as I walked out the door of the hotel, I had a smile on my face and I was glad I'd come and that, I must admit, I had actually enjoyed myself.

By no means does that mean I'll be turning into a party animal from now on or anything! lol. Far from it, in fact. But at least I did it for them, I didn't let them down and I'm glad I didn't miss it. Hopefully reading this may be of some benefit to anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation and they'll find the encouragement and strength from reading this to get through an event like this themselves.

Thanks for all the advice everyone gave me in the lead up to the event, it was a very big help and much appreciated. The good people of Boards.ie come through for a fellow boardsie once again! lol. Cheers, folks!

dudara

Well Done OP! Really well done

glasta

Well done dude. Fair play to you,I know how difficult it was for you to make that first step. Feel proud of yourself

G86

I just saw your thread and had to comment, I think what you did was amazing, you somehow got past how you were feeling in order to make sure you were there for your friend, no matter how difficult it was for you. I bet it meant the world to him:), and it says alot about your strength of character. You overcame your anxiety to walk into a room full of people, and even have a dance;just think about how far you've come in comparison to the day you first posted this thread

Fair play OP,you have my respect.

Ickle Magoo

Don't thank us - you did all the hard work, first by posting and asking for help and then by conquering your nerves and going - well done you!

*eadaoin

well done, this was a really nice read and i'm so pleased for you

now you know what you are capable of, despite the anxiety. you know that you can reach past the fear and find a part of yourself that is stronger than the anxiety.

hopefully you can build and work on that until you are able to handle social situations without any fear. i wish you all the best

deadpoet

Bravo my friend, bravo. As a fellow afflictee of social anxiety I know exactly how you felt man, and I simply must give you a virtual pat on the back for what you did.

That guy is lucky to have a friend like you. Well done and keep it up and I promise you this social anxiety will disappear in time. I applaud and commend you for your courage.

Cheap Thrills!

Nice one OP !!! :pac:

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your nice replies, everyone. I'm really touched by all your support and encouragement.

As I said before, I know this won't signal the start of me turning into a wild party animal from here on in or anything like that. Despite getting all "suited up" last night, Barney Stinson I definitely ain't! lol. But at least now I've proven to myself that if it's a situation where I feel I really need to be there and if it's for someone close that I don't want to let down, that I can somehow manage to pull myself together and try to do my best to be there for them. And that, for now at least, is something and gives me a bit of encouragement knowing that, if I could do it once, hopefully I'll be able to do it again if needed. It's a start anyway and something to hold onto even if I don't become a more sociable person overall as a result.

Anyway, as I said earlier, I hope reading this thread might be of some help to anyone else who finds themself in a similar situation. God knows, if I was able to get through this and come out of it having actually enjoyed myself, then anyone can! lol.

Thanks once again, everyone. Cheers!

zxcvbnm1

Kudos

SheRa

Op what you did took a huge amount of guts. I hope that you are very proud of yourself because you should be. Mind yourself.

PIOP

Congrats OP. I too suffer from a lot of social anxiety issues, and know exactly how hard it get be to get yourself out of the house and to the event, and then get yourself in to the crowd.

I'm really pleased you were able to overcome your anxiety and have an enjoyable night after all.

Have you considered any kind of therapy to deal with your anxiety?

Millie

G86 wrote: »

Fair play OP,you have my respect.

Ditto, fair play for being so courageous and winning the battle of the wills this time round, keep it up

shellyboo

Wow, huge congrats OP. A wedding is probably one of the most difficult social occasions for *anyone* - having to make small talk with family and people you don't know - so it's a great achievement for you to have gone and stayed for the whole night.

Hopefully this boosts your confidence!

Emme

Well done OP, from reading your posts that really took guts. Now you've succeeded with the wedding reception you can build on this. Would you consider joining a club if you're not already in one - if you play tennis or any sport that might be good for you.

dellas1979

Delighted for ya

Hazys

Well done OP!!

yaya*

Yay for the OP!! Hope you can remind yourself of that achievement the next time you feel the anxiety building again - as someone else said, a wedding is a very tough social situation but you made it! Well done!