torn between two men

ultra noir

i was with my ex for 5 years from the age of 21. i adored him. i felt i had something nobody else had. the way i felt, it was special. i never loved anyone before. i thought we would be together forever. he began a relationship with someone else for 10 months behind my back. i didnt know for a long time, when i did, i was in denial. i didnt know he could do that. he never broke up with me. he just moved in with her. i met someone else months after and it was important for me to just move on. when my ex found out i was with someone he tried to get back with me but i just couldnt do to someone what he did to me. even though i wanted to, i couldnt trust him.

it has been a year and a half. im still with the guy and he is crazy about me. but my ex has always let me know that he still wants me. he has since had a breakdown and been hospitalized for the condition he is in. he says he regrets leaving me and that i am the only person that can save him. he is still with the girl he left me for.

i have the feeling i always had for him and i had to move on because he didnt want me but the guy i am with now is brilliant and great and such a wonderful person compared to my ex who has sociopathic tendancies. im torn between the two.

one can offer me a secure future and one is pulling me into the past where i had a hard time trying to recover from. i feel i cant have one without the other. and im thinking because i would never cheat should i just be without both because why does it have to be one or the other?

i cant hurt either. i cant say no to either. i have remained faithful to my bf and i would never ever cheat. but i dont want to resent him for not being there for my ex, and i cant trust my ex because of what he did. im completely confused and tormented by two men wanting me and i simply dont know what to do.

LegacyUser

The new man wants you, the x want's to control and have power over you.
This would not be an issue for a strong, confident woman. She would know the x is a waster and leave him in the past.

unclecessna

I know it's hard with that length of history but you should really just forget about your ex and move on and be happy with your current boyfriend or just wait and meet someone else if you aren't really happy with him.

Your ex is very selfish and manipulative as demonstrated by his actions. I have known people like this and they always end up alone and broken from their actions as eventually the people they use sooner or later simply get fed up being walked all over and get with someone who really appreciates them instead.

It can be hard to let ex's go sometimes even if they did treat you badly as life is not black and white. Simply put - Good people can have bad personality traits and Bad people can have good personality traits. Sometimes we only just focus on a Bad person's good traits hoping that one day they will become all good and this just dosen't happen in reality from what I have seen from both mine and many others experiences.

Ickle Magoo

el treese wrote: »

i cant hurt either. i cant say no to either. i have remained faithful to my bf and i would never ever cheat. but i dont want to resent him for not being there for my ex, and i cant trust my ex because of what he did. im completely confused and tormented by two men wanting me and i simply dont know what to do.

Why can't you hurt or say no to either? Why do you appear to have so little control of what is going on?

There is nothing stopping you telling your ex where to go - why should you give him the power to pull you back to him after not giving a toss about your feelings or how much he hurt you. Why have you so little self respect that you'd want him now? Do you really think anything would be the same? That as soon as he was up on his feet he wouldn't do it again? Why be that door-mat?

"You're the only person that can save me" - Eeek, that sounds so controlling and just a heap of emotional blackmail, lovely...he sounds like poison, I'd delete his number, stop contact and move on. I suspect his keeping in contact so he could have a fall back combined with your wishing he'd come to his senses has prevented you getting closure and moving on with your life.

If you are not really into your present boyfriend, to the point it has never extinguished a flame for a man who left you and kept you hanging on while sleeping with another women, then I doubt he's the right guy for you either. Perhaps spend some time on your own working out what you want and what you deserve and then go find it?

Best of luck.

CDfm

Its very flattering having two people after you.

I am going to be straight up here. Irrespective of your ex having a breakdown he comes accross as very selfish.

He has looked after his needs and wants first and no-one elses. his behaviour has not changed as he is chatting you up while living with someone else. He was shagging her for 10 months and coming home to you.

You on the other hand have made the decision to move on and no doubt were hurt. So his life has not worked out -you are not the cause of it and getting back together would be on his terms.The mess in his life is of his own making.

I have no doubt you have residual affection for him. Happy memories too but what you dont have is trust and security.If it was me I would be telling him its over for good and that he needs to work on the reklationship that he is in as you have moved on.

So while its very flattering having him coming around and saying nice things he is treating the other woman the way he treated you.That should cause air raid sirens to go off.

On the other guy -he is giving you the relationship you want.

My advice is to break off contact with your ex and that while you wish him well that its over. You sound like a kind person and it is kinder to him to do so and its also better for you and your boyfriend not to have your ex hanging around.,

tinkerbell

Here's what you should do when you have these mad notions that you should get back to your ex - remember how it felt when you found out he was sleeping with somebody else for 10 months behind your back, how devastated you were, etc.

Now he's in hospital, he wants you back BUT he is still with the girl he cheated on you with. If he really wanted you back, he wouldn't even be with the other girl still. And regardless of if he wants you back or not, how can you even consider getting with him? He caused nothing but heartache for you, he's a liar, a cheater and he's never going to change. You may still have some sort of feelings for him but he's an emotional blackmailer by saying you are the only one to save him.

Forget about him, delete his number, tell him you want no more contact and you're done with dealing with his drama. Start afresh with your current boyfriend and move on properly with your life. You cannot move on if your ex is still in your life, and quite frankly, I can't understand why you would even consider still communicating with him after he cheating on you for 10 months.

Taltos

Going to keep this short.

Ex - tell him to get lost.
Current BF - end it and tell him you just don't love him enough as you were considering going back to a cheat who messed you about and who continues to try to mess you about.

Then - I think maybe you need to spend some time alone to learn who you are so you can be happy and know who you really want to be with. - How many days have you been single since you were 21? Cheated on and straight into rebound...