Bad relationship with dad

LegacyUser

Hi all

I have an extremely poor relationship with my dad and its really getting me down.

Its like he has two opinions of me. In one way he thinks I'm intelligent (the only one in the family to go to college) and he's proud of it. He asks me to help him with stuff like filling out forms, writing letters, all that kind of stuff.

But there's a very bitter side to him that really tries to cut me down no matter what I do. Every significant decision that I have ever made he has criticised as stupid. When I bought my car he sniggered that I paid too much and that there was probably lots of things wrong with it. When I went travelling 2 years ago he thought it was mad and said there was no way I could do it. When I started up a VERY SMALL business of my own he thought no-one would want my service. The list goes on and on.

He's happy when I do well, don't get me wrong. He loves to see me do well at college and came to my grad. But there is something there that makes him resent me.

I think I remind him of my mother. She was a cow, a right bitch that would have cut him down all his life. Now I know exactly the trend that is being formed here - he's taking his crap out on me. The problem is - how do I deal with this.

I do live at home and can't afford to move out. I don't just mean that as a passing comment. If I could, I'd be gone. Anyway, being out of the house is just half the problem, it doesn't change the fact that on some level, I will never get acceptance from my father.

One of my earliest memories is being taunted for not knowing how to cook an egg properly. I was slagged for years about it. It has really knocked my confidence in life and it makes me so mad that it was a member of my own family that did this to me.

I'm in therapy for other matters but this is discussed too. I'm doing all I can do from my end. He won't go to therapy and I'm suffering from it. I feel that he's impeding my progress. To make matters worse, my younger sister is beginning to treat me like crap too - emulating my father's treatment of me.

I feel like such an outcast in my own home. What has really brought this to a head now is the situation with the car parking. Basically I don't even have a space in my own driveway because my sister's BOYFRIEND parks in it. So I'm left out on the road. I've discussed this with both my sister, her boyfriend and my dad but nothing changes. Dad refuses to get into a conversation about it, the boyfriend says he'll move but never does and my sister tells me to shut up. She has no respect for me as a person, never mind a member of her own family.

I feel so unwanted in this house and I can't do anything about it.

Sorry for the rant, need to get this down in writing, probably more for myself than for advice but any is welcome.

tenchi-fan

My dad used to chirp at how intelligent I was,

Then he'd criticise me.. everything i did was wrong. Everything!! If I was studying, I should go out for a walk. If I was going out for a walk.. i should be studying. But everything would end up a big row with me on the receiving end of verbal abuse, dragging up everything I supposedly did wrong over the years.

Ridiculous rows like over leaving a can of lynx in the bathroom window.. which he'd catastrophize by saying it could explode and take someone's eye out.. or saying my writing was untidy and it's a reflection on me...

When I bought a second-hand car he sneered "i thought you would have owned a new car by now." The day before I started 2 jobs I had over the past few years he said "i thought you would have a real job by now." When I was out of work for 2 months he said "when I was your age people used to phone me with job offers" And finally I got a real job, he started an unmerciful row that left me depressed and not speaking to anyone for months.. I didn't think I'd get through it.

Now, I live away from home and I have polite conversation with him perhaps once a week. He's a difficult, difficult man but outside of the house everyone respects him. I had enough and I wasted enough of my life trying to appease him and getting nothing but criticism.

If some one offers you a piece of criticism, it is because they care for you and they will give you time to digest it and improve yourself.

Someone who gives constant criticism will destroy you if you listen to it. It makes them feel intelligent... after all, if you are intelligent and he is giving you advice, he must be even more intelligent. Don't listen, don't look for approval (even if it feels good the odd time you get it - it's not worth the price you pay).. don't get drawn into arguments, and most importantly stand your ground. Practice the phrase "I have made my decision!"

PS my mother is very meek and will do anything for a quiet life. I emulated her behaviour. And wouldn't you know it, my brother emulated my dad's. In the end I cut my brother out of my life completely and do not even speak to him if I pass him in the street. But ultimately I changed my own behaviour because you cannot change anyone else's.

WesternNight

Hi OP,

It sounds like a very tough situation.

I wouldn't say I have a relationship with my father. I live at home with my parents at the moment, but to be honest I try to keep contact with my father to a minimum. He had (and still has) no idea how to be a father. He destroyed my confidence and self-esteem in childhood and now I have to deal with those consequences.

I'm lucky in that my father isn't outwardly mean or critical anymore and honestly if he was still like that I don't know how I'd survive it in the same house. I can only imagine it's driving you mad. Is there any way at all you could stay at a friend's place or something?

Sleepy

If you're intelligent, college educated and running your own business why can't you afford to move out of home?

If the business isn't generating enough income to pay you a salary you can support yourself on you'd be better off looking for work that will rather than chasing a pipe dream imho.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your replies.

It helps hearing that others are going through the same thing - obviously I'm not happy that others are but it helps to hear about it.

@techni-fan thanks for the 'I have made my decision' quote. I actually used this the other day.

There is no real way that I can move out at the moment. I travelled in the summer of 08 with all my savings only to come home to a very bad economy and paying my cc bills and loan is a bit of a problem even, never mind adding rent to the mix.

@Sleepy without getting into the specifics I am in full time education at the moment doing a training year that will make me fully qualified in my career. This was a very expensive course and in order to fund it I set up a small 'private tuition' business. Just me, in my spare time, giving lessons to people who need help with certain subjects. Very small earner to give me enough pocket money to get the essentials and keep the bills paid while I study. I'm not a sponger and would never ask someone else to pay my bills, especially when they were racked up buying clothes and going on trips.
I don't have the funds to move out and am grateful to my dad for having me back.

I don't row with him, I love him. I respect him and admire him. Which makes all of this worse. It kills me to say a bad word about him and I even feel guilty writing this but I also need some sort of outlet. Counselling is great but he needs to be going himself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Sorry to hear about your situation with your father. I have the exactly same kind of one with my father. He is like a double personality. One side is always attacking or belittling me, my life choices and even my partner. But then the other side attends my grad, offers me money to go on holidays. Its confusing and upsetting. Think his problem with me is that I am a smaller version of my mother, very similar in looks and manner, we're in the same career, and it just seem to drive him demented.

I had to put up with it until I moved out, and I could physically distance myself from him. But after years of abuse (psychological) he still stays with you. And that makes it harder, because he is not around you have all this anger and rage to vent, and sometimes end up taking it out on the wrong people. It's reaaly good that you are getting help. A Christian friend of mine, who knew the situation, recommended a book: Boundaries: when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life, it can be a bit out there, but the concept of creating boundaries is really good, especially if you live at home. Whether its saying: I'm not going to talk to you if you use foul language, or talk about my friends like that, or use that tone. It's just about asserting yourself in a strong manner without being aggressive, and letting yourself heal, and giving yourself the space to do that in.

I wish you all the best in trying to find that hard place of a constant good relationship with your father.

CDfm

OP - just a few things -I have a college going son and teenage daughter.divorced Dad and all that.

A comment -you came back from your travels having racked up debts etc and others had gotten into routines and because of the recession you found yourself in college and living at home. You can afford the luxury of a car,college course, councelling but not rent. Do you run your business from home too. Maybe you dont have it so bad.

Your dad sounds a bit gauche but not terminally so and is supportive on the important things.

Bring him out for a pint or a walk and talk to him and tell him that sometimes you feel like he is putting you down and you know he doesnt mean too but it comes across that way. Maybe you did overspend on the car and maybe it is his way of saying why didnt you ask for help.

He has never been a Dad before so its new on him. He is being supportive of you in the way he knows how based on his experience of life.

Now the car parking thing is a big thing and you are in the right.However you should only make an issue of it if it is a real inconvenience and not a childhood argument carried over. This is a grown up world and your sister sees nothing wrong with her prince charming and his chariot. If his car is brand new and could get stolen and yours is an old wreck maybe you are unreasonable and maybe your sister sees it as their car with the same space rights as you.

But you should tell your sisters boyfriend that its your car space and not his and its annoying and you love him and want to get along and that his behavior upsets your happy home. Dont be dramatic but he is a guest.

The other thing is the counselling thing- and I know it was a smart comment. Your Dad is all set up with a home etc and car and two daughters.

His life is fairly well sorted whereas you are starting off. Maybe he doesnt need councelling maybe he may need adult chat every so often - like have you ever asked him does he feel like dating or anything and do you and your sister cramp his style.

So maybe a chat with him about what you could do to make his life easier would make a lot of sense as none of us are perfect.