Do you love someone or are you in love? How much time do you want to spend with them

LynseyH

Hey guys, im in a relationship for over a year now. For the first 12 months i spent nearly all my time with my boyfriend. We wanted to be with each other all the time. We really love each other, and he tells me all the time.

NOW, my boyfriend want his 'own time' more. To relax, see friends etc. We spend evenings together and also used to spend 2 or 3 nights together. I would usually stay at his. Now, he doesnt even ask me really. And when i suggest it he says he wants to relax and get a good nights sleep. However i still see him most evenings. Im getting paranoid. Im in love and want to be with him all the time.

What are your thoughts on this? Am i being too clingy, worrying too much? If your in love should you want to be with your partner all the time? Or is it normal for people to want to have their space.

krudler

I've been in both types of relationship like this, one where the other person wanted to spend 4-5 nights a week together, and I'd practically need a written request to go out with my friends two weeks in advance, anything last minute or unplanned was met with disapproval. As in she had to be informed of any plans I made without her, no matter how small, beforehand. It was headwrecking.

My current gf however, is very much in the thinking that our time together is important when we get it, but so is time on our own or with friends, we usually only see each other 1-2 nights a week due to work and course commitments from both of us. but that suits us both fine, now I'd love to see her maybe an extra night when we can, but seeing each other rarely makes us appreciate the time we do get together more. Neither of us want to turn into one of those couples that meet up just for the sake of it and then either do nothing or run out of stuff to talk about because you saw each other 4 nights already that week. It doesnt mean we dont love each other, on the contrary, i love her very much.

It sounds like he either thinks you're being a bit clingy, or he just isnt in the same place as he was in the relationship and maybe wants to wind things down a bit. Say it to him, just in passing that you havent stayed over in ages and you miss doing it and see what he says. If he dances around it then just simply ask him straight out what hes thinking. Instead of all this worrying and assuming you'll hopefully get a straight answer and take things from there.

PlayMusiC.SCT

It is totally normal to want space .
Theres so much to know here . Is it after a year he finally want time with his friends?? Thats a bit abrupt Leave him have space
Clingyness is a sign of neediness , desperation,their very reppeling traits. Be natural . Let it flow . Dont complain or argue to much . What im saying might not make sense but if it does then hope it helps a bit .

I can relate to this , ive been through similar

Adamisconfused

LynseyH wrote: »

If your in love should you want to be with your partner all the time?

God NO! That is the feeling one has during the early stages of a relationship. Ask yourself how many married couples have their own hobbies or have a girls/boys night out now and then. Time apart is as important as time spent together.

LynseyH wrote: »

Or is it normal for people to want to have their space.

Totally normal. [sapmode] I love my fiancée beyond words [/sapmode] but we don't spend every second together. For a variety of reasons, that would drive us loopy. You need to find something else to do and not just depend on your boyfriend being their every second of the day to keep you company. If you don't, you'll just drive him away.

krudler

Adamisconfused wrote: »

God NO! That is the feeling one has during the early stages of a relationship. Ask yourself how many married couples have their own hobbies or have a girls/boys night out now and then. Time apart is as important as time spent together.



Totally normal. [sapmode] I love my fiancée beyond words [/sapmode] but we don't spend every second together. For a variety of reasons, that would drive us loopy. You need to find something else to do and not just depend on your boyfriend being their every second of the day to keep you company. If you don't, you'll just drive him away.

QFT, thats what led me to completely resent my ex, her clingyness and neediness, and her constant reasurance that I valued her above everything and everyone else, it was terrible, her "looooove meeeeee!" attitude was cringeworthy thinking back on it.

Elle Collins

If you used to spend two or three nights together then he already had four or five nights to spend as he wished. That isn't enough for him and he wants more time on his own? I would be questioning his commitment to the relationship based on this, big time.

Of course as other posters have said there's no need to live in each other's earholes, but four or five nights alone each week is plenty of free time and if it's not enough for somebody, well, that wouldn't be the somebody for me.

shellyboo

Elle Collins wrote: »

If you used to spend two or three nights together then he already had four or five nights to spend as he wished. That isn't enough for him and he wants more time on his own? I would be questioning his commitment to the relationship based on this, big time.

Evenings AND 2/3 nights a week... As in, every evening; but only sleeping over sometimes. Spending that much time together isn't good for either parry - everyone needs their space.

OP, you need to just talk to him and find out what he wants. What does he think is acceptable - 1 night a week? 2? And then you need to decide if that's enough for you. Just because he wants his space doesn't mean he doesn't love you - but you hand to find a middle ground between your needs and his.

cafecolour

No it's pretty normal for them to go like that - start off 24/7 and then people start wanting their own space more. It's a sign of a healthy relationship IMHO.

I'd only worry if there were other signs. For instance, if you were having sex those 2/3 nights he slept over, and he's now gone to not wanting sex anymore at all, I'd be a bit concerned.

sam34

clinginesss, insecurity and neediness would send me running very quickly in the opposite direction

a friend of mine visited the kennedy space centre in teh states and brought me back a fridge magnet that says "i need my space" - true words!

Ickle Magoo

LynseyH wrote: »

What are your thoughts on this? Am i being too clingy, worrying too much? If your in love should you want to be with your partner all the time? Or is it normal for people to want to have their space.

ASK HIM!

Seriously, what is okay or not in a relationship varies as much as the people in them - the only person that can tell you why he's requesting more space is your bf.

In answer to your questions; Yes, a bit clingy if you are resenting him wanting to do what makes him happy and is of no harm to you/your relationship. Yes, you are worrying too much about what ifs. No, you don't necessarily want to be with your partner ALL the time, love of your life or not. Yes, it's perfectly normal for people to want their space, more normal than the "live in each others pockets" types ime.

Best of luck

LynseyH

Thanks guys, thats all really helpful, im going to give him space, see if it helps things! fingers crossed.