I need help.

LegacyUser

I'm not really too sure what I want people to reply to this post, but I think I need to get all of this out, just for myself.

I'm a twenty year old female. I have been on the path of self destruction for the past few months and it's getting to the stage where maybe I am out of control.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't under the influence of either drink or drugs. I say no to nothing. I've been mixing all kinds of prescription medications (both my own and other peoples) with other drugs (legal and not) and alcohol.

I think I've been covering it all up pretty well. I have drifted away from a lot of my friends, but I'm not sure if this is because of the drugs etc., or my general mental state. I have bad OCD and borderline personality disorder. I know myself I am quite a lot to deal with and thus have trouble sustaining relationships.
I understand why people tend to distance themselves from me. It's hard to be around someone who only ever sees the negative in things. I drag people down, and I'm a lot of responsibility I suppose.

I have tried to end my life a few times, and have been a self harmer for years and years now.

It's not like I'm not getting any help. I am. I see my own GP once a month, a counsellor once a week and have seen a few different psychiatrists. I feel like there is just no one who can help me. I switch from medication to medication, but never feel any better, only worse.

I know mixing my medication with the other drugs I'm taking isn't helping, but it's the only way I can get some sleep, and the only time when I don't wonder how the fcuk I got here.

It's funny, I have a good family, I have everything I need. I went to a good school, had the best education, but there is nothing I want to do in life. I just want to sleep. I'd like to start from scratch maybe. I have no idea why I can't just be happy, and I'm tired trying.

It's getting to the stage where I feel like I'm at breaking point. I can't do anymore of this. I just want someone to help me. I can't do it by myself anymore.

Kevster

It's good of yuo to come here to post about this. I mean, it's a good first step. Something has to change, however, and you clearly recognise this. Otherwise, you'll 'break', as you've implied. I won't be able to offer you anything agical in what I'm saying here, and al I can instead do is make you see that there is a way out of your situation.

Set the time aside right now to deal with this. Tell your parents what's going on and seek the advice from them. you need help, and you don't seem to be able to provide any of that help yourself. Years ago, I had to give up control of my life to my doctor and parents. I wasn't in the position to control my own life as I had been trying to kill myself.

Take care,
Kevin

Jay Pentatonic

Hey OP,
really sorry to hear what you're going through.
It sounds like you've got some serious depression & you've almost just giving up on life. Believe me, that's never a good path to go down.

I'm 20 with OCD as well, so I can relate to you there, it's really tough. As well as depression, that can bring out the worst of us.
I know it's easy to want to use drugs & drink to escape reality, but it never does anyone any good, we wake up feeling like sh*t every morning, (& even worse when we look inside our wallets!!:eek:).

It's a lot easier said than done, but taking these narcotics has to stop, it won't do you any good, just take it one day at a time.
I know you're getting a lot of help already, & that's great, but have a go at a group talk. that type of thing is really helping me, everyone supports each other & it seriously helped me start to fight all the negativity.

Also try take up some exercise, I did jogging (still am) & it always takes loads off of my mind & gives me a huge sense of selfworth (as well as making me want to sleep less, cause I have more energy;)).

I think this summer is a huge oppertunity to just step back & take a breather, maybe do some travelling & just relax. I took a year off to do my own thing & it totally helped to calm down, & look at life from another angle, quite a good angle too, might I say!:cool:
My OCD compulsions seemed to tame down a lot too, when I calmed down.

I don't really know what else to say, but I'm hoping this helped somewhat & you read it before something crazy happens.

sorry for the late reply

best wishes, & take care,
James.