Old relationship rearing its ugly head

lynsalot

Hey guys
I think maybe i'm being a little hard on myself but woudl love some advice on something.
Got married to an ex bf after a yr after a whirlwind romance, and things went tits up shortly after. I was madly in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him etc etc. He was great at the start then completely changed. Things got pretty bad, he never spent time with me, at home or otherwise, went to bed separately. no matter what i did he'd no interest. Kept insisting things fine. He hit me twice or three times. We separated last year. We lived under the same roof for three months broken up. Anyway well out of it.

I met someone around this time. Was looking for fun, dates, excitement and its what i got. Anyway 8 months later we firmly together and in love. i'm still caught up with negative equity with the property and ex wants me to take on full mortgage. causing a lot of stress for me tbh. Tryin to figure out could I afford it etc. New bf is great. completely understanding. Gave me lots of space and still does when i need it. Very supportive and lots of fun. I can recognise i've loads more in common with him than my ex.

The problem is... apart from trying to work out finances and the stress of trying to make a decision and save etc, is I have MAJOR trust issues. I mean some days i'm fine, others i feel like i'll never be happy again... like my bf will eventually hurt me like the last and i've had other relationships. i'm also adopted and met my birth mother when i was 18 but she stopped contact when i was 22 with no explanation and it still crops up as an issue for me.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to be thinking about serious issues like what if i eventually live with the new bf, will taking on the mortgage be a wise decision if I do this... all these issues flying around my head. I wish I'd never met my ex because my new guy is lovely and I'm deeply in love with him. I jsut want to be happy and content and stop over thinking things.

Anyone any advice?
Appreciate it
L

opinion guy

What exactly do you mean - taking on the mortgage ? Is he asking you to buy him out of his half of the house for example, or he just wants you to pay the whole thing ? Is he compensating you in some way ? Or what ?

lynsalot

Yes he's offering to pay half the negative equity off. I need to get the property valued, then approach the bank and see what they'll agree to, and assess if I Can manage to pay it by myself. I'll have a tennant (Hopefully) and my management fees are almost 2K a year - The point I was trying to make was that i'm under a lot of stress trying to work it all out.

Taltos

It is great to see you are moving on with your bf after all the crap you went though. Really happy for you for that.

In terms of the financial support - I think you need to be careful there. Not that he might hurt you - but that it places you both at risk and introduces new stress - not always a bad thing, but as you are seeing can bring sleepless nights.
Would you consider seeking some professional advice - a financial advisor / lawyer etc - formalize the arrangement so that if worst case 5 yrs down the track you decide that it is not going anywhere then both of your investments are clearly laid out and there is no needless arguing or finger-pointing?

I recognise this seems maybe a bit harsh. And hopefully everything will turn out wonderful. In terms of the trust - that will take time - your ex really did some numbers on you - and over time if you work on it you can let go of those fears and stop them colouring what you now have with your current bf. Remember - only you can decide when or if to let those fears go - but you can take steps to mitigate the risk - just be honest with your bf. Sit him down and let him know - it is not him - it is your fear and you are working through it - you know it is not something he can cure for you - but it helps that he is there to listen and love you.

Still wishing you the best - and you are doing great

lynsalot

Hey Taltos thanks ur advice really helped. Very easy to let this stuff get you down.

I spoke with my solicitor who didn't tell me if he thought it was a good idea for me per se, but felt in the current market it was the best time to take over ownership of the apt. I guess he can't speculate until we have the actual figures in front of us to know whether it makes good financial sense.

I'm also very doubtful of my ex's motives... he can be very sneaky and generally doesn't do things unless it benefits him. Perhaps he just wants out.. but i'm wondering why now, etc etc etc. His father is a millionaire (No seriously) so i'm sure thats where the funds are coming from.

Taltos

Taking on a full mortgage right now could be risky.
I can see what you mean though - this could just be more of the same games. His way of letting you know he is still there...

Maybe just continue to route all communication through the solicitor - and seek advice on what is best for you. What is the advantage of you taking on the whole mortgage? Would you be better of selling?

Do not though let him rush you into anything, make sure you take the time you need and think it through - with sound advice if you can get it.

opinion guy

Hey. So i don't really know enough about the mortgages things. Its just they way you put it orinigally....i don't know I'd just be very cautious - and I definitely wouldn't be pushed into anything. If he pays half the negative equity - thats not the same thing as half the total mortgage is it ?

Wurly

Hi OP.

The first thing is, given what you've been through, it's completely normal that you have these issues. You are scarred by what has happened and I don't blame you. Have you considered maybe going for a few counselling sessions? I think it may be good, just to offload how you feel. It may well give you some clarity and help collapse the fears of being hurt again.

I'm delighted that you have found happiness. And don't forget, you are obviously a very strong and capable woman. You got out of a bad relationship and survived. Not only that, but you managed to find a lovely partner. Now, if you can get through all that, then you can get through whatever else you need to get sorted.

But sometimes, talking to another really can help propel our success.

With regards to the house, follow your gut on this one and don't be bullied into doing something that you know is not right for you. You will make the best decision in the end for yourself and this will pass.

Emme

Hi OP, good luck with the new partner. Be careful about the mortgage. If you do take it over make sure your ex can't get back in there and has no claim on it. Maybe you should talk to your solicitor again and see if an agreement can be drawn up which completely excludes your ex if you do take over the whole mortgage.

lynsalot

Thanks for all the replies guys.
Selling the property makes no financial sense to me or my solicitor, since it's in negative equity. I doubt the bank would allow it anyway. We'd be left with massive personal loans to the tune of about 50K each... with nowhere to live.

Thanks for tips on counselling - maybe that will be an idea alright. It has crossed my mind but any counsellors i've seen in the past haven't tended to be of any use to me. I need other people's opinions and feedback and I can't get that through counselling.

My issues are of course with making the right decision as far as the property goes. It's a bad situation and doesn't seem to easy to get out of. But I really just want to move on. My marriage ended long long before we broke up. I asked my ex to make an effort and I broke up with him when he didn't. He begged for me back and we gave it another go but no change.

He then decided he wanted out and I walked away feeling almost relieved while it was upsetting and to be honest the hardest part is probably the gossips and oul ones commenting. My ex had a very nice exterior, ppl thought he was the salt of earth. one or two ppl even presumed i'd cheated coz they couldn't imagine my ex doing "something like that" when in fact it was him who was carrying on... long long very long saga that i'm well out of!!! lol

Maybe i should blame the banks... if it wasn't for the damn recession.... lol