Boyfriend's father belittles him.

LegacyUser

I am with my BF for a year and its a serious relationship, as in we're moving in together soon and have had the marriage and babies talks. He is great, I love him to bits (obviously or I would not be with him!).
I've met his family a few times now and I've slowly realised how patronising and condescending his father is to him, and a lesser extent, to his sister and mother - sometimes even to me. I am worldly wise enough not to make a scene in his family home but it really annoys me.
Last week he arranged dinner in his flat for his parents and me. He went to loads of trouble, cooking the night before, getting in the pricey wine his folks like, even got a new table cloth etc and I knew he was pretty happy with how things were going. From the moment his father arrived it was what I would call a bullying situation. He critised the fact there was no starter, that the main course was so simple and that we had bought in dessert. He laughed at the table, saying it was too small.
It was a nightmare of an evening for me but BF didn't seem too upset. It bothered me so much that his father would speak to him this way that I brought it up to next day. He told me this is how his father and uncles comminicate, that there is constant slagging ect and it does annoy and upset him but he is afraid to say anything for fear of being labelled weak. I am not the kind of person to pander to bullies like this to keep the peace usually, and the thoughts of having to put up with him in our future home really bothers me. If he came to our home again and spoke to BF like this I think I'd have to say something.
Is he a bully and his family let him away with this? Should I just keep my council and not have him over when we are living together very often? Anyone else have a bully for a father in law?

S23

I'm afraid its the way of the world. Some people are just cnuts.

Of course your BF is going to stand up for his Da and excuse his behaviour by passing it off as standard practice for communication between his father and his brothers.

That doesn't mean its right and it doesnn't mean they aren't acting like fcuking cavemen doing it. Its one thing doing it when they were all growing up as kids together but they are grown men now and should know better if they had any sense.

Unfortunately he sounds like an old fashioned dim witted bully to me. If your boyfriend is happy to excuse or put up with it then thats his own business.

However, you, on the other hand, do not have to listen to his bulls**t or put up with his poxy attitude. You've done the right thing in keeping your lip zipped and leaving the family to their business so far but if you and your BF move in together things will be change.

There is no way in the world that you should be expected to keep your lip zipped in future if his father came over to your home and behaved like you mentioned in your post. You don't have to put up with his sh*t just because his family do.

Talk to your boyfriend (don't expect him to be thrilled about it though!) and tell him that you have respected his family and their relationship with one another so far. And that how they interact is their own business but very strongly point out that you would not be willing to accept being spoken to or belittled in your new (mutual) home by his father. Tell your BF that you find his fathers behaviour and attitude rude, condescending and unacceptable.
Assure him that you love him completely and this won't change that but take a firm stand on not having to put up with this mans behaviour.

I had something similar with my OH's mother. Shes a bit of an old bully and always had plenty to say. I completely respected her when in her home and never reacted to anything she said to me. However, I had to tell my OH that I had no time for her mother on account of her horrendous personality and behaviour. The OH wasn't thrilled but I simply told her I didn't have to put up with it if I didn't want to.

Things came to a head one day when she was over at our place and started barking at me like she does everyone else. I let her finish then told her 'Sarah, I couldn't give a fcuk what you think about anything. I've always respected the boundaries of your home when I've been there I expect you to do the same. And if you ever presume to speak to me in my home like that again you'll find you're not welcome back here'.

She was shocked for sure but it seemed to get through to her straight away that just because I was going out with her daughter I wasn't going to put up with her behaviour by default.

Shes still the same woman she ever was now but the difference is she keeps a lid on in when in my company which is the best I could have hoped for really

LegacyUser

If your BF invited him to dinner with you and went to all that trouble and put up with the comments, he must be well used to it and somewhat unfazed by it.

Was it friendly slagging banter or actual criticism?

There's a big difference between the two and it sounds to me that he accepts it to be the former.

Peggypeg

S23 wrote: »

Things came to a head one day when she was over at our place and started barking at me like she does everyone else. I let her finish then told her 'Sarah, I couldn't give a fcuk what you think about anything. I've always respected the boundaries of your home when I've been there I expect you to do the same. And if you ever presume to speak to me in my home like that again you'll find you're not welcome back here'.

BRILLIANT!!!!! I love it, I mean wow, fair play, that's exactly what the OP should do. OP, above all, if you do this make sure to stay nice and calm and matter of fact. Remember, all you're asking for is to be theated with courtesy and respect, like you would threat him.

Best of luck.

steddyeddy

ifyour wrote: »

If your BF invited him to dinner with you and went to all that trouble and put up with the comments, he must be well used to it and somewhat unfazed by it.

Was it friendly slagging banter or actual criticism?

There's a big difference between the two and it sounds to me that he accepts it to be the former.

well it could be that his broken by it from years of the same.

Kimono-Girl

anyviews wrote: »

Is he a bully and his family let him away with this? Should I just keep my council and not have him over when we are living together very often? Anyone else have a bully for a father in law?

oh yes!

if i were you i would recommend you to not approach them or say anything to them, i used have to listen to my OH tell me "sure isn't every family like this?" while being miserable at the way his family were treating him, i was so angry i wanted to have it out with them in the hope it would make them stop hurting him and make him realise not every family is like that, but luckily my mum helped me realise this isnt the way forward, all you can do is let your OH decide for himself when enough is enough (and he will eventually) be there for him, and you have to keep your feelings on the subject to yourself (or find someone else you can confide in). Just encourage him to stand on his own two feet more and let him develop his own opinion of whats right or wrong!

S23

Yep I agree she can't make her OH stand up to his father and has to let him deal with it as he sees fit.

However, if the man is likely to bring this behaviour into a home she owns then she needs to put down a marker.

cafecolour

anyviews wrote: »

If he came to our home again and spoke to BF like this I think I'd have to say something.

I wouldn't do that, even in your home, unless he starts direct comments at you as well. My guess is the father will find you jumping to your OH's defense - when his son won't even defend himself - hilarious. He'll escalate the slagging to your OH, and this time he'll also start slagging him about you (That you keep his balls in your purse, etc.). This will increase the tension between the two of you, irritate your OH more, and aggravate the whole situation.

anyviews wrote: »

He told me this is how his father and uncles comminicate, that there is constant slagging ect and it does annoy and upset him but he is afraid to say anything for fear of being labelled weak.

Then the best way might be for your OH to slag his father back - about the slagging. Essentially call it out for what it is - a tired comedy act. When his father starts, he should just roll his eyes and say something like 'Dad, give the schtick a rest. Every dinner I feel like I'm stuck in the most tedious comedy routine imaginable." If he does it again - "Here we go. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks." His father does because he thinks it amuses people. If it's painted as tedious and dated (and indicative of him being old and out of touch), I'd say he might quickly cut it out.

Ickle Magoo

It's not a pleasant situation OP but I would strenuously recommend avoiding any confrontations on your bf behalf with his own family, it would only aggravate a bully and it may very well embarrass your bf and cause a rift between you and his family.

The best you can do is support him and show him through your own interaction and that with your own family that what he has to put up with is not normal and there are healthier relationships out there and hope that he sees what is happening for himself or even finds the strength to change how he reacts to his father.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I think what bothers me the most is that this man feels the need to belittle my BF under the name of "banter" which means its very difficult to call him on specific incidents. I will continue to respect his while he is in his home but I could not tolerate this nonsense in our home. I also do not want him to treat any children we have like this-he has expressed his remarks to his young granddaughter and I can't believe my sister in law to be puts up with it-her husband seems to bear the brunt of some of his remarks too, even in their home.
Bottom line, should I expect him to toe a more respectful line when he is visiting my BFs flat or when we buy our house next year? This is a whole new experience for me as my parents would never speak to us or anyone else the way this man speaks to his family and I really think if he continues to be allowed to behave like this I will blow a fuse! I also don't want to go to family gatherings with BF any more because of how they are in a group-they think its harmless but I think it shows a lack of respect for the siblings and the grandchildren present.

Ickle Magoo

I think you need to talk to your bf...the issue is with his family. You are best to get a plan of campaign you can follow as a team, if and when his father is disrespectful to you or in your home.

Taltos

OP - I had a similar thing with my father-in-law.

Continually puts down my wife, and slags her off - in little small ways - that would be imperceptible to most.

Came to a head once only. After we returned from our wedding he came to visit and started more of his BS. I stopped him and requested he apologise to my wife - that in our home his comments were not only unwelcome but were down-right rude... He refused. Gave him a choice - apologise or leave - he refused again. Calmly I opened the front door and frog marched him out - him laughing all the way - he was still laughing when I closed the door in his face. Prat.

We now have limited / reduced contact with this guy. Don't get me wrong - he is a nice bloke - but old school - and if he thinks we will spend our weekends or answer the phone everytime he calls just so he can play his games he has another thing coming.

Be calm with your boyfriend - but be firm. Your house your rules. He does not have to choose or play peacekeeper. But let him know - if it does kick off - either he supports you or he stays quiet and out of the way...

S23

anyviews wrote: »

Thanks for replies. I think what bothers me the most is that this man feels the need to belittle my BF under the name of "banter" which means its very difficult to call him on specific incidents. I will continue to respect his while he is in his home but I could not tolerate this nonsense in our home. I also do not want him to treat any children we have like this-he has expressed his remarks to his young granddaughter and I can't believe my sister in law to be puts up with it-her husband seems to bear the brunt of some of his remarks too, even in their home.
Bottom line, should I expect him to toe a more respectful line when he is visiting my BFs flat or when we buy our house next year? This is a whole new experience for me as my parents would never speak to us or anyone else the way this man speaks to his family and I really think if he continues to be allowed to behave like this I will blow a fuse! I also don't want to go to family gatherings with BF any more because of how they are in a group-they think its harmless but I think it shows a lack of respect for the siblings and the grandchildren present.

Abso-fricking-lutely you should. Not in your BF's flat. Thats not your home but when you buy a place together and it is your home you should be treated with respect in it.
Even if the father is having a dig at the BF to indirectly get at you thats not on either.

You need to talk to your boyfriend about this. As others have said, you can't change the fact he's willing to take it but you can make a very clear statement of intent that you are completley unwilling to deal with his behaviour in your home.

LegacyUser

Thanks once again.
Like I say, its difficult to get my BF to see how his father really is. Last night, he got a phone call saying his dad needed a lift today, which did not suit him but BF gave in anyway. We had plans for the weekend, but when he went to pick up his dad, he was guilted into doing work on his folks' garden all day Saturday. Its things like this that are bugging me-I would not mind if his dad was appreciative but the last time he did work on the family home, he got no thanks and a list of how it was not up to scratch.
When we have our own place I do not want him to be dropping things we need to do because his father lays down the law and expects his children to drop everything because he needs help. I think we need to have a serious chat. I might write some things down to stay unemotional and clear about this.