just jealous?

LegacyUser

Hi, was out last night with partner and friend.
Long story short,i wasn't in best of form, wasn't made any better by my partner keep asking me what was wrong. every time i cheered up he was still looking at me strangely.

My friend wasn't in best of form either, having difficult time, but my partner kept giving her hogs, like ams around shoulders, and then putting his hand on her thigh.

I've never seem him like this with another girl, am i beng paranoid?

LegacyUser

may i add she is gorgeous, and a good friend, although relatively new too... he just never done this before and i feel strange about it.

I got up and gave them both a hug and kiss and left, saying i was tired, which i was,

i know this is an over reaction, he's just not like taht normally, and would be upset himself if i did that

LegacyUser

Hi OP this is just my opinion and everybody has their own ideas but I do think its a little strange. I have no issue with consoling someone who is upset but to keep doing it seems a bit odd. The fact that he wouldn't usually do that seems a little bit off to me too. It kinda seems like he's preying on her vulnarability. So did you leave them alone in the end? Is she friends with him too or just you?

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

Have you told him it made you uncomfortable? He probably didn't realise he was doing it (esp if there was drink involved, not that it makes it ok).

You should tell him in a non confrontational way that you noticed he was being a bit over friendly by putting his hand on her thigh. Explain how it made you feel. He should listen once you aren't attacking him.

He may claim he was being a good friend but just let him know that while it's nice of him to care about your friend's wellbeing, it isn't ok for him touch her inapprpriately like that.

Best of luck,

CR

LegacyUser

Thanks, i don't want him to get cross and think i'm over possessive/ or make him uncomfortable..

He had no drink in him, so that wasn't an excuse... it was just so blatant. we are together 4 years and i haven't seen that in him.

I will talk to him about it, i'm just thinking maybe he was sending me a message that i'm too dumb to get.

LegacyUser

funcosed, she is my friend mainly but his too. we were out in a gang but we were a sub section of that gang.
I don't suspect her of anything, she is what she is, and is very attractive and relaxed.. it was his behaviour that disturbed me... maybe he was just comforting...the hand on the thigh several times tho...

LegacyUser

I understand exactly what you mean. I would have to wonder about the hand on the thighs. Maybe he wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing? I remember one time at a house party my gf's friend (who is considered stunningly beautiful by most people I know) fell asleep on me and my gf woke the next day to find her lying in my arms, us both asleep on the couch. Now nothing happened nor would it but I definitely would have been more cautious if I was sober. My gf at the time never even questioned it but I have to wonder was it ever in her mind? I think you should ask him about it, just not in an accusing way.

LegacyUser

possibly was innocent, but i can't shake of the uneasy feeling.(i'm not normally jealous at all... but he was with someone last year when we were on a break, which he never admitted, but his and my friends told me, i ws jealous then but got over it)

Saw him at lunchtime and he made no effort to really speak to me either, nor i him...
i couldn't look him in the face and he did stand and stare at me for a while and say nothing..
I just left it at 'see you later' i felt him stare as i walked away. I was there for about 45 mins...

i'm afraid to say anything asi don't want it to go back to my friend and make her feel awkward..and i don't want him to have to feel awkward with her in future if it is just my imagination.

I think i'll just go for it and say that i felt uncomfortable, and that i felt he was out of character...

On the other hand maybe i should start touching his friends in a 'friendly' manner miaow!!

seenitall

Hand on other woman's thigh minus any alcohol involved plus it is not his typical behaviour equals you are not being paranoid.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

Hand on other woman's thigh minus any alcohol involved plus it is not his typical behaviour equals you are not being paranoid.

Good luck.

oh god... thats what my gut is saying...really don't suspect the girl, but maybe he just fancies her..

Kiera

Sounds like a non issue to me, OP. My mates husbands/boyfriends do this with me and its only because they are mates and nothing else.

If there was anything else behind it he wouldnt have done it in front of you.

LegacyUser

You know I'm really sorry to hear that, sometimes it's hard to get over when you feel like the trust has been broken. Please don't touch his friends in a friendly manner that you're suggesting. Thats just playing games and take it from me you really don't want to do that. I understand you not wanting to make your friend feel awkward especially when she did nothing wrong thats admirable of you. You're not accusing her of anything after all, you're just questioning his behaviour. It's kinda strange that you would both just sit there for 45 mins. I used to do the same thing with a previous flame. It was just stubborness but I think it's important to be honest about your feelings and speak your mind about these things. Not talking like that is not good and its a dangerous road to take.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

Sounds like a non issue to me, OP. My mates husbands/boyfriends do this with me and its only because they are mates and nothing else.

If there was anything else behind it he wouldnt have done it in front of you.

But he doesn't normally do this?

You could be right though...maybe i'm just threatened as she's so pretty, but i don't know.

LegacyUser

well, i text him and explained that i couldn't say this to his face as i was so uncomfortable, but explained to him that i was upset over last nite, as he not normally like that, and the hands on her thigh i consider over familiar... and that maybe i was/am paranoid..but still i have to get it out there.. i'm just hoping he doesn't go nuts at me and it all blows up in my face...he hasn't come back to me after 20 mins anyway...

Gulp...

Kiera

Guest11 wrote: »

But he doesn't normally do this?

You could be right though...maybe i'm just threatened as she's so pretty, but i don't know.

Well she's new to your group? Did i get that part right? And is going through hard times. Your poor OH was just being nice by the sounds of it.

Wibbs

Guest11 wrote: »

You could be right though...maybe i'm just threatened as she's so pretty

Could be that. Plus maybe he was getting irritated with you and wanted to make a point?

The "whats wrong?" game is being played out on a fairly regular basis out there. Mostly with the woman(but not always) in bad humour for whatever reason and the guy doing the asking trying to "fix" it, or just simply figure out why she's in a snot and is it his fault. Of course this naturally ramps up the bad humour in the woman and the frustration in the man. My advice to a man(or woman) in this position; ask once, if you get the non answer, or worse(you should know :rolleyes:), put them on a pleasant ignore and enjoy the evening for yourself. Hopefully ignoring the humour works and the other enjoys the evening. If not it wont be a dead loss for you. This of course should only be the case if you havent been a dick.

So maybe flirting with this woman was his (childish) response to the vibe you were giving off?

Maybe a session of chatting about what may be worrying you and possibly him is in order?

LegacyUser

well i'll have to wait and see what happens... i didn't hold back...oh well, i can't be accused of being repressed!

He could very well have just been being nice, and maybe i was seeing it for the first time.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Could be that. Plus maybe he was getting irritated with you and wanted to make a point?

The "whats wrong?" game is being played out on a fairly regular basis out there. Mostly with the woman(but not always) in bad humour for whatever reason and the guy doing the asking trying to "fix" it, or just simply figure out why she's in a snot and is it his fault. Of course this naturally ramps up the bad humour in the woman and the frustration in the man. My advice to a man(or woman) in this position; ask once, if you get the non answer, or worse(you should know :rolleyes:), put them on a pleasant ignore and enjoy the evening for yourself. Hopefully ignoring the humour works and the other enjoys the evening. If not it wont be a dead loss for you. This of course should only be the case if you havent been a dick.

So maybe flirting with this woman was his (childish) response to the vibe you were giving off?

Maybe a session of chatting about what may be worrying you and possibly him is in order?

That does happen, the 'whats wrong' thing. he never accepts my answers!! basically i was feeling awkward last nite, i won't go into my reasons..but i told him, and i just wanted him to stop asking whats wrong..he kept looking at me oddly too.. that was irritating and i started smiling to please him, and he didn't like that either, so then i made my excuses and left, but in between this all, he was still like that with my friend and i felt confused...

Ignoring those humours doesn't work either lol, i always do that he is in one after asking first, it normally culminates in going home early with a pissed off guy! (maybe thats a male reaction!!)

I'm feeling less freaked now, maybe cos i know he knows whats bothering me about last nite...whatever will be will be and all that...

we had had a row that morning to, and i pointed out that all his issues were not actually coming from me as he said they were and he couldn't back it up in any way...and if he felt like that, to let me know waht he genuinely feels for me and we will work through it...maybe he was letting me know..

Kimia

Wibbs wrote: »

put them on a pleasant ignore and enjoy the evening for yourself.

What great advice. 'Pleasant ignore'. I love it. It's very hard to do though - i find i boil with rage until I scream.

OP I would feel uncomfortable too. It's not a nice situation to be in. See what he says. It's weird that you guys can't talk about this though after going out for so long?

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

What great advice. 'Pleasant ignore'. I love it. It's very hard to do though - i find i boil with rage until I scream.

OP I would feel uncomfortable too. It's not a nice situation to be in. See what he says. It's weird that you guys can't talk about this though after going out for so long?

we can but i don't want him getting angry and us starting fighting.. he always says things to me like'you don't respect/love/show affection to me' whereas i do know i do all of those things!!

i think he just doesn't want to be with me... there may even be a chance he hates/ dislikes me!

i'm wondering about what i just wrote above... i wasn't aware i really thought that

LegacyUser

wll...home now...he has ignored me since i came in...i made dinner, he's sitting down eatin it...we do have a lodger..that person there too, and bf hasn't looked at or uttered a word to me.

Kiera

Guest11 wrote: »

wll...home now...he has ignored me since i came in...i made dinner, he's sitting down eatin it...we do have a lodger..that person there too, and bf hasn't looked at or uttered a word to me.

Ask him up to your room and talk it out.

LegacyUser

nearly shaking here, not afraid what he'll say, just of the fight that will prob ensue. he doesn't want to talk to me. he's sitting beside me on the couch ignoring me

Barracudaincork

Guest11 wrote: »

.he has ignored me since i came in...i made dinner, he's sitting down eatin it..., and bf hasn't looked at or uttered a word to me.

Are you for real? God, even a pig can grunt! What a pratt! I feel for you OP, he is out of order ignoring you, esp as he knows how you feel after getting your text.

Has he ever been this rude and ignorant to you before? Has something happened recently to make him change how he normally is? Not that that gives him an excuse to be so rude, it doesnt!!!

LegacyUser

i guess i was right enough that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. seems tat way

Nevyn

You should not be so afriad of your partner that you are shaking.
Sounds like he doesn't respect you and plays games to belittle you.
If that is the case I would be looking for somewhere else to live.

LegacyUser

Hey. Really sorry to hear what he's doing that's just horrible. Honestly you can do so much better. You don't have to put up with this.

LegacyUser

don't know if i should try to talk to him or not...i haven't spoken either..left the room to cry a few times...just don't know what to do... this is very complicated... i think i said somewhere else here about gut instinct, or maybe i just thought it

Ginny

Seriously, talk to him, you're both adults, talk to him, check he got your text.

Queencake

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you. Best to have the conversation as soon as possible - get it over with! He's been acting like a prat. I agree with you that it seems that the reason he was laying the sympathy on thick with your friend was to piss you off.

It's one thing being kind and understanding to friends but the hand on the knee thing was OTT (I don't care what others have said - it IS strange and questionable behaviour considering he isn't usually like that and she's a relatively new friend).

What I also find strange was your friend was comfortable with his hand on her knee. Did she seem at all surprised? I'm not saying she's got any part to play in this - but it does seem a lil strange to me. Then again she may be used to getting this sort of attention from male friends.

Intuition is a powerful thing - I'm glad for you that you brought it up with him (although of course face to face would have been better - but you were terribly nervous).

*HUG*

Hope you're doing okay OP

Barracudaincork

OP got talk to him, asking him what is going on wont change his answer, you will just know what that answer is.

Dont forget their are plenty of boardies here to help you and listen to you no matter what, you're not alone by any means!

LegacyUser

well... spoke to him briefly. I asked 'are you going to talk to me today at all?' he said a'after that stunt you pulled why should I?' he meant that i had made tea for the lodger and i and not him...he rarely drinks tea anyway...
I asked could he not even have gotten back to me and he said he sent me a text back..something along the lines of 'i can't even talk to her now it will be awkward' i told him that if i had got the wrong end of the stick then why would it be awkward..she doesn't know what i'm asking him about. (also in answer to a previous question, i think she was a little suprised at the touchy-feely stuff).He didn't answer, just sat huffing. i think thats the best word, you know when someone has a face like thunder and they just sit there?
I explained again i've never seen him do that before and i just couldn't drop it.

He never answered me after that. I was starting to get annoyed and i knew he wasn't going to talk to me so i just went to bed before i said any more. he hasn't spoken to me or touched me since.

whats the point?

He obviously doesn't care for my feelings in this, to him they're not even valid!

LegacyUser

i will try to talk to him again, its so hard though.

I cani approach him non-confrontationally, but when he gets mad(which he will) I don't know how I'll keep my head!!

Is it really rude and disrespectful to walk away when you know you are going to get angry? He says it is usually.
Also he is going to give out to me for asking him again and saying that he fancies her, and making him feel awkward. he hasn't denied anything either ( i'm not saying he was with her obviously, a lot more innocent than that. It's like the situation has been turned around to all my fault that I had an issue with his behaviour. he would never accept that from me!
But basically he thinks it proper order to ignore me til i shut the f*** up!!

What do i do? leave it until I'm feeling less angry? leave it altogether as this is what he wants?
I really don't know and i'm between frightened and angry/sad now. ( it will always be in my mind now anyway i'd say)

Kiera

This doesnt sound like a very mature/healthy relationship tbh. If you cant work things as silly as this then what's the point? Its obviously causing you both pain. Maybe you should think about your future and if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

I understand you might have a lot invested in it, but you're not happy and neither is he. This is clear from the fact you both cant get over something as silly as a hug/leg touch.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

This doesnt sound like a very mature/healthy relationship tbh. If you cant work things as silly as this then what's the point? Its obviously causing you both pain. Maybe you should think about your future and if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

I understand you might have a lot invested in it, but you're not happy and neither is he. This is clear from the fact you both cant get over something as silly as a hug/leg touch.

I know... why couldn't he just say something like 'sorry, i didn't think, but all i was doing was being nice' or something similar. Instead its turned into a new issue..i.e the fact that he refuses to discuss it at all... which makes me think something is up????

As far as i know i've handled this like anyone else would have..as in if you're uneasy about something, face it and find out... but look at the reaction!!

I had been hoping to be put at ease from him, but i guess i wouldn;t have posted here first if i didn't kind of already know better..

LegacyUser

Guest11 wrote: »

i will try to talk to him again, its so hard though.

I cani approach him non-confrontationally, but when he gets mad(which he will) I don't know how I'll keep my head!!

Is it really rude and disrespectful to walk away when you know you are going to get angry? He says it is usually.

It's not rude to walk away when you know you're going to get angry but preface it with something like "I'm taking a break from this until we can both discuss it calmly & rationally" so that it doesnt look like you're just storming off.

However I have to say from reading all your posts that he appears to be a bit controlling and is good at manipulating you to feel that everything is your fault. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to somebody you have been with for so long. If you are it's not a healthy relationship & maybe it's time to face up to that. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

also, just to clear something up, in regards to this: 'This is clear from the fact you both cant get over something as silly as a hug/leg touch.'

He would not have accepted this from me, as he has jealousy issues stemming from having been cheated on and left for another guy, by his ex, she married that guy.

Unless he wants to do what he wants to do, but have me under tighter control?As he did have a fling with another girl when we had major words last year.

I have no energy for arguing, so i just want amicable conversation...without having to feel fear of his anger ( i hate confrontations, and i hate arguing..feel like i'm going to have a heart attack when that happens, and he says its disrespectful if i walk away, so its catch 22 and i have to bear the pain..)

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

first of all big hug. your other half sounds like a bully, a nasty, childish, controlling bully. if i were you i'd be walking away, do you want to end it??? i would be moving on from him if i were you.

apologies for the lack of capital letters, i broke my elbow so i'm typing with one hand.

LegacyUser

i'm thinking he just doesn't want to be with me, and is making me do the work (i'll be bitchy and say that is about right as he is bone idle (which again i don't nag about, but i do find it annoying))

Gods sake, i am a eejit. not like i haven't been warned.

LegacyUser

lol i'm not looking for sympathy either. i just said i'm an eejit because i know i am one!!

Some people have to learn the hard way, and thats prob me!

We'll see what happens, i'll give another chance to talk this evening.

something along the lines of 'come to me when you're ready to talk to me without bringing blame, attitude, or anger, as i don't see a need for them at all, all i want is to talk gently'

if dat don't work!! I'll keep me head up and we'll work something out