Friendship or Romance?

LegacyUser

I have no idea what to do in this situation and any help would be much appreciated! Been good mates with a guy for the last 5 years. About 2 years ago we
had a snog (no further) and a heart to heart, confessing feelings for each other but then decided it would be too difficult to go out with someone who you see all the time (we work together). For a the best part of year it was awkward between us, but we both got through it and are better mates now then we were before. Thing is the feelings havent dissapeared completely and recently i've noticed these growing again between us. This was all unsaid and i was fine with that... until the other night when he started texting me quite drunkenly.

At first it was innocent enough but out of character, complimenting me. He then sent me a pretty dirty text, and after that one apologising for it, saying it was hard cos I was his best friend yet he loved me. The thing is he's moving away for the company very soon (and may not come back) and it just seems like a strange time and way for him to tell me this. I tried to be as careful in my replies as possible to minimize the hurt to both of us and tho i wanted him to know i agreed that theres something between us but it wasnt the right time and i wasn't freaked by what he said.

I definitely have feelings for him too but I feel like I cant really go near these because of his impending move. He's been pretty awkward since he sent those texts and I dont blame him, if I wasnt the girl he sent them to I'd be comisserating with him about them! He hasnt really laughed them off either. He has been speaking to me which i am relieved about but we have almost entirely avoided the topic. This makes our interactions so difficult.

I suppose I'm just wondering how people think I can handle this without destroying our friendship. I've been so worried since this happened. What would you guys do?

LegacyUser

Wow, I was thinking the same thing about a friend yesterday too. We've been friends for almost 5 years and I have on a few occassions fancied him. He has never known it though, and I actually lied and said I didnt feel the same way when he said how he felt last year to me, as I panicked. It was awkward for a few months, but we got through it.

I would recommend you to talk about the text and how you feel. Sure, you've gotten through awkward times, you can do it again, right? Tell him how much your friendship means to you and make sure you keep in contact. He probably felt he might lose you in the move like you do with a box or two, and he doesn't want to make things any more awkward and regret anything - sure, it seems like he regrets his drunken text!

Good luck.

niceoneted

I reckon you should just go for it and see how a relationship would work. Friendship is the basis of a great relationship and add in the attractions that ye have for each other I wouldn't hesitate.
Ye may have not wanted to pursue it because of the work issue but now that it won't be an issue what's stopping you.

S23

Right, so you both spoke before. He said he has romantic feelings for you. And you told him you have romantic feelings for him.

However, you didn't get together when you spoke about feelings initial becase you

decided it would be too difficult to go out with someone who you see all the time (we work together)

Now he has spoken about his romantic feelings for you again. And you claim you have romantic feelings for him but you don't want to act on them this time because

but I feel like I cant really go near these because of his impending move

I know you say hes moving away and may never come back but I'm sorry, regardless of who you work for, no company can send him into permanent exile.

He did it in a sloppy way but basically he wants to get it all out there. I guess he doesn't want to die wondering what might have been. He's doing his best to seize the day.

It's now or never for you. If you do genuinely have romantic feelings for him nows the time to act on them. He may be going away for a while or a long time but then again who knows what he will do if you two get together.

On the other hand, if you're not that pushed about giving it a go romantically, and if he really is leaving forever then you don't have to worry about awkward social interactions and the state of your friendship because it will soon be confined to a long distance basis anyway.

seenitall

Why are you worried about destroying the friendship? A true friendship is not that easily destroyed.

It sounds like you both care about each other, so I don't see any major problem here. Your friend is obviously a sound guy who would like to take your friendship to another level ("betraying" himself in drunken texts), but again obviously, he is respectful of your feelings and concerns, and that is why he hasn't brought it up when sober.

If he is being awkward now, as you say, then the least you can do is to put him at his ease, just reassure him that your friendship is intact, that you don't think any less of him now, and proceed with life and your friendship as usual. (I don't mean sit him down and have a dead serious conversation about it all, just be your normal, pre-dirty texts self with no awkwardness or embarassments, do whatever you do as friends usually).

Also, keep in mind (just in case) that it is your call from now on. You decide. If you want to be with him, do it. You know that he is interested, there is nothing to stop you from being together, apart from your concerns about his move.

Good luck.

m@cc@

shockedfriend wrote: »

I suppose I'm just wondering how people think I can handle this without destroying our friendship.

Well both yous obviously are not handling being friends. Not going for it because of your friendship is like not buying a lottery ticket because you'll be 2 Euro out of pocket. What you stand to gain is much more. Plus your friendship is a sham if both of you aren't being honest about your feelings.

Sydney J. Harris wrote:

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

LegacyUser

I am a guy and have had a similar experience with a girl i have been friends with for years...without going into too much detail we had a couple of drunken kisses a while back, wasnt sure how to take it and at her friends advice i was told to go for it.

While she never explicitly rejected me, she avoided any attempts i had at suggesting we at least talk about what was going on. Now we arent in touch much, which is sad.

What I would say to you is that you should just let him know what you feel, dont think he will assume anything. If you have been friends with him this long you should have enough respect for him to let him know exactly how you see it and he in turn will have to respect you for it.

If you dont he may just be left with resentment that you never let him know what you felt, i know that's what I feel....

LegacyUser

Wow guys. Thanks for all your feedback. I guess you're all right! He is definietely a sound guy. To be honest though I'd imagine he's been quite embarassed about the incident he has been totally amazing about it. I was so worried going into work for the first time since it happened but he was incredible. He didnt seem nervous or angry /upset at all. It was such a fantastic relief. I'll really have to think about your advice because I suppose you're right. He has put himself out for me and so far been so cool with my hesitance. Its possible I suppose that he may have said its not the right time in order not to pressure me or make promises he cant keep...

Anyway thank you all so much for your help