Still finding it hard after all this time

LegacyUser

Hi,

Ok I know a lot of you probably heard this one so many times but I really cannot seem to make any move forward in trying to get over my ex. We split up last year, it was his decision and not mine to break up. We had been friends for a good number of years before we went started the relationship, which also lasted a good few years. We have remained friends but the whole aspect of the friendship has changed and I am careful not to let him know I feel and he has since joined a dating website and had a new gf for over a few months over christmas last. He is still looking for someone else and it really still hurts.

The pain of loss I feel each day has not decreased and I am wondering if it ever will. I did not speak with him for over a month after we broke up. I found it really tough but I tried. He contacts me still and he even told his now ex that he was friends with me and he told me that she was ok with it!

He still chats and texts me everyday and he has told me over the phone that it was a shame it didn't work out with me and him.

I have been going out with friends and have started a new hobby but it seems to make no difference. Its like that song, Always something there to remind me by Sandie Shaw.


How do you get over someone who has been a big part of your life?

dudara

Right now the pair of you are 'friends' - but you're not really. You are not in a position to be friends with this man as you are still hurting too much. How do you expect to get over him when you're still in contact?

If I were you, I'd explain to him that you're still not over the breakup and that you'd prefer if you didn't get in contact for a period of time (at least a few months).

Jessiegirl

I'd agree with dudara.
If you are not over him and he's in touch every day it's like salt being rubbed in to the wound every time.
You might need a few months of no contact to kill the longing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Ill tell you bit of my story, as I can 100% see where you are coming from/whats going on.

I broke up over a year ago with my partner of 3 years. So, we broke up, at the time we both agreed it was the best thing to do. So many things had happened, we knew we'd never get back together, but we remained in close daily contact. So essentially it was like having a bf, but not all the crap that comes with it. I still loved him of course.

Cut to today, we are no longer in contact and I am heartbroken. 100% heartbroken. For a while there I actually could feel my heart break. One day about 1.5 months ago he just stopped all contact. I dont know why - thats a different thread.

The weeks following the break up were hard, but not as hard as this. I knew an inevitable day would come when I would have to face up to my feelings. What should have happened is when we broke up, we should have cut contact there and then. So now its over a year later and I am only facing up to them now - in a way he has forced me to face up to it. And it feels like Ive lost my right arm/best friend/miss his company terribly...so in essence, Ive to get over him twice, and noone should go through that.

If he cares about you and wants you to be your best, like a real friend would, he would cut contact with you. Either that or cut it with him. The sooner the "bandage" so to speak is ripped off, the sooner you can start healing. I might be in a different head space right now if we had stopped contact. My life has been on hold for the last year emotionally wise - it has been a complete roller coaster of a ride. As I said the last few months of no contact have really taken it out of me (you know the waking at night, depressing feelings, crying spontaneously - like the breakup had only just happened). I am still very upset and still get very sad, but I think (hope) am over the worst of it. I think you know what you have to do.

katie99

I feel so sorry for you as I know what you're going through. Believe me!
My bf broke up with me after 4 years and two years of that living together.
I thought I had everything, perfect man, a future together etc,etc.
So, it was like a bombshell when he announced he wanted to split. Reasons varied. But essentially I think he fell out of love.
I was devastated and for the first two to three months I just couldn't focus properly, thinking of him every moment, crying at the least little thing.
He didn't keep in contact.
I went out with friends. I was approached by guys who complimented me on my appearance, yet I took no interest in them. I was totally consumed with grief for my ex.
I realised that the only person who could help me get over my bf and move on was me.
So, I started a new lifestyle regime. I took up jogging, joined a jogging club, ran 10k and two marathons as a result; I bought a bike and started cycling at weekends; I started swimming and went walking regularly.
I began to feel fitter and better in myself.
The melancholy began to lift and a more positive situation came around for me.
I read some books like The Road Less Travelled and Make Friends and Influencing People. They gave me great personal confidence.
Eighteen months later I was ready to take on the world of romance again!!
And I haven't looked back.
I haven't met Mr Right as I don't believe such a guy or girl exists, we all have a faults and foibles. But I am a much more experienced and better balanced person.
I still think of my ex from time to time but I am so busy with my social life and my new lifestyle to worry too much about him.
So my words of wisdom are thus: you are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here. You are a unique, special person who has great personal qualities to offer the right person.
That person is out there and sooner or later you will meet him.
Take your time. Take pride in your appearance. But don't contact your ex as this will only prolong the inevitable.
Just take each day as it comes and surround yourself with your friends and interests.
Believe me the pain does fade away.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

There is enough "always something there to remind you" without the calls, chats & texts. How can you ever get closure and move on accepting him not being an important part of your life - if he's still an important part of your life?

You have to make a break and give yourself time to accept it's over and start to move on, I don't think you are anywhere near a place that you can be friends with this guy. I think you need to take some time for yourself and you need to ask him to respect that and stop contacting you. So what if his gf approves, it's not healthy for you and that's the most important thing.

Best of luck.

ApeXaviour

notsurewhattodo wrote: »

How do you get over someone who has been a big part of your life?

It's fairly straight-forward, time and no contact. Zilch, none. It's the unfortunate reality that you really have to remove all contact with him, unfriend him on facebook, delete his number, his email address, skype, msn, gchat etc. It's horrible (I know...) but necessary and there's light at the end of the tunnel

He doesn't seem to get it and is happy to be friends but you need to move on. If he persists in contacting you just be vague and say you need some time to sort things in your own head and it's nothing to do with him but please don't text/call/chat. You save face and he'll put it down to women being inexplicable.

Also, attempting to cultivate your interest in other men will offer a nice distraction during this bandaid peeling process.

If you do this I've no doubt that soon enough you'll be right as rain.

LegacyUser

UrNotAlone wrote: »

Hi OP.

Ill tell you bit of my story, as I can 100% see where you are coming from/whats going on.

I broke up over a year ago with my partner of 3 years. So, we broke up, at the time we both agreed it was the best thing to do. So many things had happened, we knew we'd never get back together, but we remained in close daily contact. So essentially it was like having a bf, but not all the crap that comes with it. I still loved him of course.

Cut to today, we are no longer in contact and I am heartbroken. 100% heartbroken. For a while there I actually could feel my heart break. One day about 1.5 months ago he just stopped all contact. I dont know why - thats a different thread.

The weeks following the break up were hard, but not as hard as this. I knew an inevitable day would come when I would have to face up to my feelings. What should have happened is when we broke up, we should have cut contact there and then. So now its over a year later and I am only facing up to them now - in a way he has forced me to face up to it. And it feels like Ive lost my right arm/best friend/miss his company terribly...so in essence, Ive to get over him twice, and noone should go through that.

If he cares about you and wants you to be your best, like a real friend would, he would cut contact with you. Either that or cut it with him. The sooner the "bandage" so to speak is ripped off, the sooner you can start healing. I might be in a different head space right now if we had stopped contact. My life has been on hold for the last year emotionally wise - it has been a complete roller coaster of a ride. As I said the last few months of no contact have really taken it out of me (you know the waking at night, depressing feelings, crying spontaneously - like the breakup had only just happened). I am still very upset and still get very sad, but I think (hope) am over the worst of it. I think you know what you have to do.

This is my situation too! Only i am still in touch with him. We were together three years but mutually broke up (though it was more him, I would have fought for us), Then for the next two years we have been in touch, got back together once and he broke up with me again and it was so much harder. For some reason i still call him and take his calls and meet him now and then. Everytime i try to cut contact he reels me back in. And Its not about sex really cause that rarely happens. If i don't call him for a week (it would never go longer than that) he will get in touch and be asking me whats wrong and that he misses me and loves me. He just isn't ready to be serious.

But your post got my attention because i know exactly how that feels. I dont know why I feel I deserve this. I want to cut contact because he makes me miserable and I dont understand why I am like this. Guys do like me and I get asked out, I go out and dont fancy any of them. I have ended things with three guys this year so far. have a date arranged for this week but am going to cancel it. There are family problems going on with me and also I am unemployed so I think it has alot to do with taking comfort in his attention.

So stupid, i wish I had the strength to end it. I have a good group of friends, I am studying and my family are supportive, if dysfunctional.

Its so sad to see girls do this to themselves, and i am one of them. Reading this made me realise that I am walking around in a sad haze for about a year now.

krudler

Cut all contact, its the only way you'll get over someone. When I get dumped or break up with someone I delete numbers, emails, get rid of pictures, anything they bought me, it may sound harsh but it either that or find something that reminds me of when times were good with them , it makes it easier to move on. My ex and I were together for over 3 years, I havent seen or spoken to her since the night she broke up with me, not a phonecall, no accidentally bumping into each other, nothing. and I moved on much easier than shorter relationships where the other person was in contact for a while afterwards.

I honestly dont see the point in even trying to stay friends with someone who broke your heart while they get to move on and be happy, everyone is different when it comes to dealing with breakups, I prefer the no contact thing.