Travelling and bit depressed

LegacyUser

Not sure why I’m posting here, maybe to get some advice from folks who’ve experienced similar. I traveling the world for a year. The first few months of my trip were in countries that don’t have drink or drink cultures. I enjoyed not drinking and not having horrible hangovers. I’m in my early 30’s and I found over the last few years I’m not able for the drink. I get all anxious the next day. Now I’m in south east Asia and I’m surrounded by drink. I’ve been out 3 times since I came here and each day I wake up feeling so lonely and anxious, very depressed. I’ve suffered some mild depression in the past. I smoked each time I was out here. I was so proud of myself as I stayed off smoking so far this year. I thought I had finally knocked it on the head. I really don’t want to get cancer and I’m terrified of getting caught up in a drinking smoking binge for the year. I know I don’t have to drink but its what people do in these places, all the socializing revolves around it. And to make matters worse my girl friend is back home, she wasn’t able to travel with her job and she’s already done the travel thing anyway. I miss her terribly. She’s coming over for a few weeks the summer which should help. I’m seriously thinking of going home early. I was meant to be away for the year but I am finding it difficult. I wonder do other people find it hard traveling some times. I thought it would be good times all the way, I have met some cool people and saw some amazing sights but I find it hard some times being alone and away from the people and places I love. Any advice appreciated…

PhysiologyRocks

If you want to go home, then go.

I just don't see what staying will achieve for you.

Travelling is cracked up to be this amazing thing, but it's not for everybody. Besides, there's more to life.

If you do decide to stay then perhaps go back to a place where drinking is not a big thing.

cafecolour

I love to travel, but I don't think I could just spend a year hopping from place to place like that, it just seems exhausting.

If you want to go home do so. Another option would be to try and stay in the same place for a couple months (prob a non-alcohol country might be best). This could allow you to develop some more long term connections (helping with the loneliness) and experience the culture a bit more (and maybe make it easier for your girlfriend to come visit for a bit). You could try volunteering somewhere, looking for quick jobs (private english lessons for a few months?) or even something like wwoof (http://www.wwoof.org/).

Alcohol is a depressant. So whatever decision you make, I'd make sure you have a couple days of sobriety when you make it so you're sure you've got a clear head (and are not operating on alcohol induced depression or euphoria).

Eve_Dublin

Hi OP. I wrote a PI just like yours over a year and half ago now...I could try and track it down for you because I was in very much the same situation as yourself. I travelled for one year on my own and after about 6 months I hit a wall and was completely fed up with the socialising, the moving, the dorms in hostels, meeting people every single day and regurgitating the same info about myself over and over again and there were too many goodbyes and not enough friendships on any sort of deep level and I was very lonely.I had a great time for the first 4 months but month 5 and 6 were really tough. The advice I got from some posters was to go home but I'm a stubborn character and the idea of going home back to my old job (although the recession hit Ireland right about this time so I wouldn't have had one to go home to) was enough to encourage me to find a solution.

Cafecolour above suggested it already but would you consider staying in one place and volunteering for a few months? That's exactly what I did for 3 months in South America. I stayed in a relatively party-free hostel and just got to know the city I stayed in, made friends with some locals and fellow volunteers, took some classes in Spanish and of course, got in insight into the other side of the country off the beaten track that other backpackers and tourists wouldn't see. Best thing I did and really, really enjoyed those 3 months I stayed in one place and I was ready to set off again for the last 3 months of my travels after that.

I completely understand where you're coming from when you talk about the party scene in hostels. It's relentless and I have to say, I did overdo it a fair bit. I smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish and it was more difficult to avoid because I was travelling alone and socialising in the hostel bar was the way to meet fellow travellers. I got pangs of guilt now and then but I told myself that I was going to do whatever I wanted within reason on my travels and make up for it once I returned to Ireland and to not feel guilty about it. Your not going to get cancer from smoking the occasional cigarette on a night out. I don't smoke at all now and only go out once a week.

I've heard the party scene is pretty hard going in Asia because there tends to be a younger crowd of travellers...would you not consider maybe getting out of there and onto your next step? South America was great because travellers were generally a bit older (plenty of late twenties, early thirties travellers) and if you chose your hostel based on reviews (www.hostelworld.com), you could avoid the hostels with mad partying.

I urge you NOT to go home though, OP. If I did go home when I was having my 6 month crisis, I know I would've regreted it. Think about it, it's a year out of your life, you're going to have ups and downs like any other year and I found the more time on the road, the more I liked my own company and the less I got those pangs of loneliness (and this is something I've kept with me to this day). I didn't leave anyone behind in Ireland but I did meet other travellers who did and said the same thing. I understand you miss your girlfriend but 10 years down the line, you will regret it. Ireland will always be here and so will your girlfriend. Try and enjoy yourself now because it's only when you get back that you realise how lucky you were to have had the opportunity to take a year out of your life, swan around and do whatever you like.

davepatr07

I can see where you are coming from buddy. At the moment I am in my 3rd month of my 2nd trip away from home. Was in Canada for a year in 06/07. Now I'm in NZ. Strange enough I am finding it harder this time round even though I should be used to it. Again I don't have family out here but have made a few friends, most of them though travelling through the hostels.
It is hard to avoid the drink especially when you are trying to enjoy yourself and it helps as an ice breaker when meeting up with people. Travelling can be funny in a way. You have all the energy and enthusiasm built up in you before you go but it is a totally different story when you do it or when you go to temporarily set a life in a another country. It can be lonely at times and especially when you have internet access you can't help but refer to something related to Ireland. I think because I am further away the homesickness is worse. In Canada I could hop on a 7-9hr flight home where as here it takes nearly 2 days. I have hit a few walls in related jobs and long term accommodation I've plugged away hoping something would come along which it does, normally in the dying hours before you turn broke! Stick at it because a chance like this may not come around again and thats where the regrets start to happen.
If only..I should of. Maybe if I... You can look back on this as a special time in your life and you will be glad you made the step to see the world that so many others can only dream of because they couldn't afford it or have too many commitments...or simply make up excuses not to go yet keep it as a dream! Life is too short..LIVE IT!

LegacyUser

Hey,

I;ve been there too. Spent a year in India not drinking much and socialising freely without it and hanging round on my own without it.....then I went to Bangkok and felt like I had to be out and if I wasn't socialising - I'd get lonely and bored (which wasn't the case in India).

Funnily enough, it was the same when I made the jump from Southern Europe to Australia - I had been staying in hostels with Americans and Canadians who were up for a couple of pints, but then when I got to Australia it was like being at home where it was full on drinking.

So what to do: Get active. I started doing yoga and swam every day (pool or sea depending where I was - I had a routine to keep to and so even if I did go out, I'd be up and at 'em in the morning to get my things done rather than languishing in my room. And, I'd want to get home a bit early. The worst thing is drinking for the sake of it....

If I was you buddy, I'd head to Indonesia and learn to surf.... you'll spend your days in the water being active and might have a beer or two at night if you want. Head to a quiet place where people are staying there for a longer time and put the time in. It will be worth it.

Not all socialising revolves around drinking - if you're in Thailand, head to Sanctuary on Ko Pang Nang. Yoga, chilled vibes and people taking it easy doing their own thing. Search out some yoga people - they're generally a bit healthier living.

Also, get yourself some good books and every couple of nights just find a nice restaurant/place to chill and read. That's where I used to meet people who also wanted to just chill.

Go home if you need to but I don't think that other people's drinking should be a reason. Because, when you do get home you'll be facing the exact same thing here except on a worse scale.

LegacyUser

OP you seem to be getting great advice here. I know exactly how you feel. I went travelling on my own for 6 weeks 8 years ago and I felt lonely and tired a lot of the time. I boozed almost every night cause I just wanted to meet people. The problem with boozing every night even if its not always a huge session is you never really get fully sober and fresh and can get more and more tired. I think travelling on your own is really hard. Travelling with someone else brings different difficulties - Jesus the potential for arguments is massive.
Theres no shame in you going home. I often think travelling can be overrated. What you needed and wanted was probably a change of scene a break in patterns. But you could get that in ways other than travelling. Like you could go home and do some charity work or do a course youre really interested in. And you would have your girlfriend.
Let us know what you decide.

MissHoneyBun

OP don't elect to do something that's making you miserable. If anything else was causing you to feel "lonely, anxious and depressed" every day people wouldn't hesitate in telling you to stop and look at other options. And travelling is no different. Going home is not failing OP, it's the opposite. It's having the strength not to just follow everyone else's path because it's the done thing but to walk down your path, doing whatever makes you happy!

And as for people saying Ireland and your girlfriend will still be here if you continue travelling, well I say the world will still be there to be travelled.
OP life's too short to live it miserably so please do whatever makes you happy -and if that's coming home to your family and girlfriend, then that's what you do.

LegacyUser

Hi Everybody. OP here. Thanks for some really sound advice. Going home is not an option for the time being as my GF is coming over for 3 weeks at the start of June. Will stay until then anyway. I'm still finding it hard. Everything revolves around drink here. I do enjoy myself when drinking but I feel awful the next days. Thing is I'm shy and not overly confident so I find it harder to meet people. Drink can be a good social crutch. I'm going to try and take it easy. Avoid the real full on party places. I am a bit disillusioned. Traveling is amazing but its not the be all and end all. It can be very tough especially traveling solo. connections made are very superficial. I've met some nice people but feel like a bit of a failure as I haven't made proper friends and traveled for more than a few days with them. I also feel a bit old. Where I am now it's mostly late teens/ early 20's. They are cool and welcoming but I feel a bit old. Have my birthday coming up soon and I'm pissed of about getting old anyway. I'll keep going anyway. Take it easy and see what happens. Thank you again for all your advice. Don't feel too bad knowing others folks had similar feelings.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
been following this thread so far. I have to say I'm really interested cos this is something I fear when I go travelling. To be brief as possible, I'm 28, had life long ambition to do a round-the-world trip. Did a lot of college, and I'm only getting the money together now. Will prob head off next year (will mean I'll turn 30 while away, Eeeek!). I was depressed for 2/3 years, this past year Im more or less out of that. I'm getting therapy now, and thing look so much brighter. I do get lonely even in Ireland, most of my friends are attached etc. I'm also finding it so hard to make new friends, seems like everyone is finished with all that, (well seems that way down here where i live).
Anyhow, travelling is calling, and I'm 100% sure that I'll go it alone. I'm happy with that, as I know I'm independent and when I weigh up all the pros and cons, I think I'll be better alone. But now, inreasingly, I'm constantly worrying about suffering from loneliness while away. If I suffer from it here from time to time, what will it be like far away. I fear that like you (and others above), I'll be meeting new people every second day (great in ways, I'm single), but I worry i'll genuinely get sick of this, and worry I'll be somewhere beautiful but feel the empty feeling that I'm alone with nobody to connect with. I worry that after all these years of waiting and planning the trip of a life-time, i'll jet off and see that it's isn't all that great to be making all these 'superficial' so called friendships.

I'm not sure I can advise you. I know I'll definitely go travelling, I'd regret it if not. I think my plan will be, to keep as positive as I can. I'm quite shy by nature, and worry about that too. but on the flip side, it might have the potential to be the best thing i ever do, and will make me more confident. In my therapy, I'm been taught ways to combat negative thoughts. So, for loneliness for example, i have to stop and think about the negative thoughts when I feel them inside, then come up with 'Facts' which contradict this. eg. I might say to myself "I am a bit lonely now, but I have x, y friends etc who are on the other end of a phone, so I am not alone completely. I have a great chance to meet new people and become more confident and that will be worth it". Also OP, you should also have little reminders for yourself or have a mantra, like nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or, 'no regrets'. I'm using this a lot now, to motivate myself to do things, even simple things, like joining a club, or you could possibly use it and say to yourself, 'if I do this (i.e. push yourself to meet people, or seek out good times), then I'll be rewarded in the end, and i'll have no regrets'. you say it's hard getting to know ppl especially when drink is involved. Is it possible that this is partly cos you're a shy person who stays in the background? Perhaps if you push yoursefl into the foreground, then you'll find yourself making more deeper friendships cos you'll find everyone wants a bit of you. hope I''m making sense.

I rabbitted on a lot here about myself and my own experiences (apologies), but I hope I gave you some small bit of encouragement. If you can try to stay more positive, then hopefully your travelling will be more positive. When you're older you'll be really proud that you did something difficult, but did not give up. How many people can say, 'I travelled the world by myself'? not that many. most people are far too scared to take on with that! you should be really proud of yourself!!!!!

How Strange

I never did the year away travelling thing but I have gone away for 5-6 weeks at a time on my own. I was also in my late 20's/early 30's and I completely understand what you mean about feeling lonely. Travelling on your own is tough, and you have to be realistic and admit there are lots of lonely times and you do have to dig deep into yourself at times to keep your spirits up

I personally think there are people who travel in groups and will drink their way around the globe. They'll happily establish themselves in the local 'Irish' or party bar wherever they are and to them that's great craic. I know it's a generalisation but I've met so many of them. If you're a single traveller who's not into full time drinking then it can be harder. I'd suggest you move from wherever you are at the moment and, as other posters said, find somewhere more chilled and do some activities. Get away from the heavy drinking and spend your days more constructively. I can't imagine anything worse than nonstop drinking and hangovers. After 2 days I'd have to get away.

I think volunteering is also a great idea as it will give you a focus and a structure which you probably need.

I know I only did 6 weeks at a time but I was jaded after it and looking forward to my own bed and my creature comforts of home so I completely understand what you mean.

OP, you can either go home with your gf or you can stay, bite the bullet and try to make your year away an experience you'll remember for years. There's also nothing wrong with going home and saying travelling just isn't for you.

LegacyUser

Sad3 wrote: »

Hi Everybody. OP here. Thanks for some really sound advice. Going home is not an option for the time being as my GF is coming over for 3 weeks at the start of June. Will stay until then anyway. I'm still finding it hard. Everything revolves around drink here. I do enjoy myself when drinking but I feel awful the next days. Thing is I'm shy and not overly confident so I find it harder to meet people. Drink can be a good social crutch. I'm going to try and take it easy. Avoid the real full on party places. I am a bit disillusioned. Traveling is amazing but its not the be all and end all. It can be very tough especially traveling solo. connections made are very superficial. I've met some nice people but feel like a bit of a failure as I haven't made proper friends and traveled for more than a few days with them. I also feel a bit old. Where I am now it's mostly late teens/ early 20's. They are cool and welcoming but I feel a bit old. Have my birthday coming up soon and I'm pissed of about getting old anyway. I'll keep going anyway. Take it easy and see what happens. Thank you again for all your advice. Don't feel too bad knowing others folks had similar feelings.

Feel I have to reply again here.

Dude, I travelled at 24 and most of the people I met that time were 2/3 years younger than me.... it made little difference. The next time I headed off I was in my early 30s and I met people who were in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - it made no difference about the age. Sounds like you're just lonely and worried about your next b'day....

Travelling is a quicker version of living - you meet people, they come, they go faster than normal - some people youll get on well with, other "friendships" will be superficial because all you're looking for is company and hey, this guy will do until I meet someone I get on with better. You meet people you get on amazingly well with for a few days and then they or you leave - it's the nature of the beast.

I have nearly always travelled alone and it is a bit tough but Jaysus, why would you feel a failure for only having travelled a few days with someone? There's no success and failure about it - people (incl you) do their own thing and move on....

The people who appeared most confident to me when I travelled were the ones who had an itinerary and a plan of what they wanted to do and what they wanted to see and where they wanted to go....

That's why I suggested to get an activity to do daily whether it's swimming/yoga/surfing/jogging/ hire a bike - you'll meet people who are doing the same thing as you and it's a good way to meet people.

If you're just hanging around bored then obviously you'll have more time to think/worry.

Also, just because others drink, doesn't mean that you have to. If you use it as a crutch then decide to have 2/3 bottles and leave it at that. You wake up feeling relatively fine but you've gotten over the initial nerves. Alternatively you could be brave and not drink for a week and see how that goes.... it's amazing how

Where exactly are you because I've travelled many places and unless you're on a party island or a Ko San Road type of place, I can't imagine all the locals getting wasted every night....

Move on from where you are to somewhere more chilled with people who are more your scene.

Get to somewhere you are happy being and get some decent books to read. Get a routine into your day.

What I wouldn't give to have 6/8 weeks on a beach in SE Asia - surfing, reading, chilling, tanning...........


One other thing about not being overly confident - I wasn't either and I had to push myslef....

But think about it - back home, if you were on your own, would you head to the pub/bar and try to make friends with total strangers? Probably not.

Now, you probably do see lots of people just enjoying their time there and talking to anyone but if that's not the type of person you are at home, it's less likely to be you when you're away. "oh, I wish I was more confident so I could talk to them" could be interpreted as "I wish I was vacuous enough to be able to talk nonsense to random strangers".

Also, because places are cheaper in Asia, you're probably staying in a room of your own as opposed to hostels (like in Oz / Europe) where you're instantly thrown into a group of people - but, being by the sea in a nice shack/hut allows you to sit on your porch and chat to your neighbours....

Or the other option is treat yourself to somewhere a bit more upmarket where you're happy to go back to every evening - possibly with a pool and a nice room you're happy to hang in.... with a balcony.... you won't feel the need to be out all the time and you get to meet other guests hanging by the pool.

Good luck and enjoy it - seriously, once your gf is there, it'll be even better for you

LegacyUser

OP Here again. Big thank you to the last 3 posters. You guys make some really good points. Thanks for taking to time to reply. I really appreciate it. beentheretoo, I'm in Thailand. I was based in infamous Kho Shan Road for the first few days. I really hated it. I'm up north now and things are a bit more chilled. I am starting to feel better. I've met some cool people. and I plan to do some trekking. I am going to stick this out. This has always been my dream. I'm taking on on board all the advice. I'll cut back on the drinking. and I'll keep myself busy and develop some routines. I think half the problem is that I like security and planning. I get a bit freaked out on the road not knowing where I'm at next. I set out first with a long list of countries to visit and I kind of tired myself out trying to see all the sights. I stress out thinking how I will see everywhere but as one guy I might travelling said its not about the sights its more about the experiences and people. I guess I need to slow down and spend quality time in places and enjoy the journey.

Oh and interested123 your story sounds very similar to me. Go for it yourself.

LegacyUser

ME again. I stopped staying at the Ko San Road after my 2nd time in BKK.... it was too much for me - too much pressure to be out and nothing there to do.

If you're heading back to BKK after up north then either treat yourself to the ASIA Hotel near to Siam Square http://www.asiahotel.co.th/asia_bangkok.htm it's fairly reasonable and there are two pools.... one downstairs and one on the 16th floor or so where you can just look out over the city. They've got a gym there as well but you might be better just heading on walking tours of the city.

You;ll also meet lots of people who are passing through - I met people there in the Jacuzzi and ended up out with them for the night.

It's close to all the cinemas around Siam Sq, MBK centre, Discovery Centre etc and a great way to pass the time. Behind the cinemas there is a maze of small streets and shops and it's an eye opener. god I miss it now.

Thai people are very friendly so if you head to the same coffee shop for breakfast / lunch it's easy to build up a nice rapport with the guys there.

And if you are treating yourself to a drink - why not try out some of these sky bars....http://www.bangkok.com/rooftop-bars/index.html

Put on some nice threads and head out and be someone different for a night - no one knows you..... put on an air of confidence..... sit at a bar..... order a cocktail..... sip it slowly.... think of how nice it'll be when your gf arrives..... talk to the barman.... strike up a conversation or allow someone to strike one up with you. That's how you build the confidence. Bring a newspaper if you don't feel comfortable without a crutch..... enjoy yourself.

cafecolour

OP, you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. You seem to be considering yourself falling short in many ways: that you haven't "made any proper friends" while traveling, that you have a large list places to see and you aren't making it them all, and that you require things to be planned instead of being spontaneous.

Honestly, you're holding yourself up to some impossible ideal of traveling.

a) You're not going to meet someone on the road and end up traveling a while with them. Connections made while traveling don't have to be 'superficial' but they are almost unfailingly brief - people have their own travel plans and tend to stick with them.

b) You won't see everything. Trying to do so will just be exhausting and make everything unmemorable. And if you spend all your time trying to see everything everyone else has seen, you'll miss the bits not many else have seen.

c) I know there's the archetype of the free spirit thumbing his way around the globe not knowing where his next bed will be, but that's actually very rare. Most people will plan when they travel - at least accommodation and a general itinerary. I actually am the type to hitchhike aimlessly on occasion (at least when I have my tent and can speak the native language), and even so for most of my traveling I have a plan and accommodation scouted in advance. Otherwise, you often just end up in the same place as everyone else anyway, but paying 3 times what you could've for a room since all the hostels are booked up.

So stop giving yourself a hard time. Cut your itinerary in half, or thirds even. Seriously - you're not going to see it all, stop trying, and start enjoying yourself.

Next city you go to, book yourself in for a week, instead of 2 or 3 days. Spend the first day or two just relaxing and enjoying the buzz of the place instead of running around trying to see everything. Spend the afternoon walking about or sitting in a park watching people instead of running to your 200th temple or museum (and I'm saying this as someone who likes temples and museums). Or go sit on a beach for a week and read a book.

Seriously, do what you feel like doing instead of what you feel like you ought to be doing.