When friends fight?

LegacyUser

Hey :-)

So not a major problem as such but it is getting me down a bit and I could do with some advice. I have two friends and they are no longer speaking. They fell out last month and the three of us were quite close, did everything together. The last four weeks has been pretty hard to deal with. I have both of them doing demolition jobs on each other, subtely and I am finding it hard to figure out what true and whats not. Although I have remained neutral, I am beginning to find it difficult to know what to do. For example, we all live in the same town, socialise in the same place, so casual nights out now have to be planned around this fight thus excluding someone. And although the one that gets excluded maintains they are fine, I know them well enough to know that really this isn't the case.

I can't go out with one, and then not tell the other. I can't randomly meet up with one and then have the other find out. I don't blame them for feeling a little insecure about it, the falling out was amongst other things over money, rumours and some serious stuff and I understand why they can never speak again. They havn't been forcing me to chose sides but the little things like plans, nights out, etc. are proving difficult for me as whether I like it or not, I have to chose because I can't invite them both. I am quite close to both of them and don't know what to do?

Has this happened anyone before? It's my birthday next month and I am dreading how I am going to organise something. My social circle is relatively small and I do enjoy their company but I feel I am stuck in a cacth 22.

Another friend commented to me how situations like this always naturally end up with someone taking sides, be it through one of the warring friends cutting all ties or a percieved lack of loyalty on someone's part or through the friend caught in the middle just giving up. Is this the case? How have you dealt with situations like this in the past?

vicecreamsundae

if i were you i would send an email/text to both, saying you're sick of being caught in the middle, and that you refuse to choose sides, and see if THEY have any suggestions as to what you're supposed to do.

i think ideally they should just agree that even if they're not going to be best buds, that they can both show up and be civil to each other and both chat to you.

im in a similar situation myself. was in a trio, one of them turned against me over nothing [im not just saying that, she's notorious for falling out with people over nothing!] and our other friend is caught in the middle. although in my case, i dont care if the girl joins us, and have told the one in the middle that explicitly and that she can invite her along. but the one who fell out with me wont show up to something if im invited, whether its the girl in the middles birthday meal, a night out or cinema.
so i at least get credit for taking the high road, but on the downside I'M the one who doesnt get invited to things, so that the other girl will go.
being left makes me feel like middle girl kind of HAS picked a side, and i feel like the girl with the problem is the one who should have to be stuck at home.

i think you're going to have to tell your friends to put themselves in your shoes and that they need to grow up.

niceoneted

I know where your coming from as have been there. It's easier looking back now. I would if I were you just organise your nights out and don't consider them when doing so. So if friend A asks you out and you agree and then friend B asks you out say you have plans already made with friend A (and who ever else might be going) tell friend B they are welcome to join you. Inform friend A you've been asked out by friend B you've told him that you've made plans and inviting them along to. It's there problem.
If you are organising the night out invite both saying where and when your going and again let them decide what they want to do.
make it clear that you are not going to be stressing/worrying or what ever way you want to put it over them. That you respect each enjoy each of there company but don't feel anything you have done should make you uncomfortable about the situation.
Is there any way they can get over this or get to a stage where they can at least be civil.
Lifes too short to put up with this crap.

Des Carter

Hey OP,
Dont worry about it just try to ignore the fight and dont get involved. The worst thing you can do is to make it look like you have chosen a side so if your organising a night out invite friend A like: hey you want to go out tonight. if she asks if friend B is going tell her yor not sure and havnt asked her yet but you will as your neutral. Then go to friend B saying the exact same thing acting like you have asked her 1st an then its up to them if they go or not. Make sure they think they are the 1st you asked because if not they might think you have sided with the other friend.

Also despite what you think very few friendships last and as life goes on and ye move to different colleges or get different jobs or get married and move ye will probably grow apart anyway. I mean Im in college now and have lost contact with everyone that I went to playschool and primary school with and I am still friends with only 1 person I went to secondary school with.

Its only natural for friends to grow apart when ye go to different places and meet new people.

Or maybe people just run away from me .

Hope this helps and good luck.