How not to take it personally.

LegacyUser

Hi, long time reader, first time poster, as they say! About a year ago, I signed up to a couple of dating websites in an attempt to find myself a good woman. Having taken the advice of my female flatmate, I gave it a shot. She had had a good run at it. Been on a few dates, nothing came of them, but she had no regrets. We're both 30, by the way.

So I did up a profile, ran it by my flatmate, attached a photo and posted. Rather than sit back and twiddle my thumbs, I was proactive about the process, and contacted girls with profiles I liked. I didn't choose the best looking girls I could find. I went for what the wrote rather than the photos they posted. Of course, it didn't hurt if they were good looking too!

Now, I know what they say about dating websites. Even the sites themselves say it- girls get dozens of contacts every day. Don't take a non-reply personally. But after a year of nothing, I cant help but think there's something wrong with me. The few, and I do mean few girls who do reply, we message back and forth for a couple of messages, and then it all just goes the way of the dodo. I don't expect the world to be set on fire after a message or two. But surely they don't expect the same?!

I'm not exceptional looking. Nor am I ugly. Have a balding issue, but I shave my head and that keeps that in check. I've a good personality, a good history with girls I've dated, all of whome got to know me before we actually crossed into dating territory. So really, I know the answer to this myself. But when it comes down to it, the lack of... anything... kinda bums me out. Should I be taking this personally? Have other people had a similar experience online? I know it's a medium that really allows people to be less personal, and can cherry-pick who they talk to.

And I don't for a second hold anyone else responsible for my thinking on this. They have every right not to reply, and that's totally cool. I'm sure I'd be the same way if someone messaged me and I wasn't attracted to them. Although, having been on the other side of it, I might send them a polite 'no thank you' so they don't feel hurt. Anyway, if this experience has given me anything, it's made me give up on virtual dating, and forced me back into the real world... scary as that may be!

force majeure

That happens to all off us, its hard not to take it personal but the idea off those web sights is a lot are their to see what its all about and may not be 100% sure they want to meet any one while more just want some one to email every now and again.
Let me put it to you like this, noting in life has a guaranteed lest off all love and everything that goes with it.
PS at lest you don't get blocked by people on line that know you thats a killer I can tell you.:rolleyes:
Keep plugging away I do.

cafecolour

It is possible to meet people with it, but it takes a lot of leg work.

Yeah, there's a bad guys to girl ratio, so a lot of the girls won't respond.

Add in that it's still relatively new here, so a lot of folks are still trying it out. Ie they'll email back and forth but taking the extra step of meeting is often a lot.

Because they're skittish, a lot of folks will reject folks really easily. ie if something on the profile seems a bit 'odd' they'll think maybe not - when in real life if the chemistry was on they wouldn't care (or think it a benefit). So it sort of encourages profiles that are 'interesting' but bland if that makes sense.

LegacyUser

I've been on and off different websites for five years or more now. In the beginning, I always managed to find someone to chat to at least, even if a meet didn't materialise.

But I find in the last two years it has ceased entirely. NOBODY contacts me, and I get NO response to messages I send. I don't know whether I am subconsciously doing something wrong, but I don't think so. But I used to make friends before. Now nothing at all. I really think too many of the girls online are not serious about it at all, and are really just complete timewasters.

I do find it depressing reading the girl's profiles though. They are either terribly written, full of textspeak and loads of photographs of them in various states of drinking, or else they are very cold, and demanding of some kind of superhuman guy who has loads of interests, travels the world, is tall, superfit, good looking, 'hot,' confident, ambitious and successful. I know of very few guys who can tick all of those boxes.

Where are the nice, quiet, ordinary girls? Actually, there are a few on the UK pages, alas, too far away. But very few in Ireland. The most open, friendliest, non-materialistic, loving and genuine girls I ever encounter are foreign girls, from anywhere in Europe or eastern Europe. They have few hangups about guys, and take you as they find you. I have all but lost faith in Irish girls. Perhaps the Celtic Tiger ruined them all.

eleven

I'm a girl, and I recently signed up to one. I have had a lot of emails and nods and that kind of thing, and I've been tempted to get into touch with some of the guys, but I haven't yet.

Maybe I'm what you would call a timewaster, but that's not my intention. I've just got out of a long term relationship, totally amicable, but the idea of getting into a new relationship is a bit scary still. The nature of the internet is that you can retain some level of anonymity, and for me the dating website is like me dipping my toe in the water.

Also, I've found a lot of guys issues are

1. Profiles not girl friendly - like listing interests as sports, cars, etc. Generally you would expect a guy to have interest in that kind of stuff, so to specifically list it makes me feel like if I talked to this guy, he's only going to talk about Football because he couldn't think of *anything* else he was interested in. I like shoes and clothes and I read Perez Hilton, but it's not going on my profile, because it's not a quality I want a guy to be interested in me. And there's waaay more to me than that. I would like to think that there is also waaay more to the "I like football and my turbo G56 Saab" guys. (p.s. I know some girls are interested in sports and cars etc but not a conversation starter for most of 'em)

2. Sending emails that talk about wanting/mentioning marriage, or say things like "you're soo hot" (talk about intimidating/aggressive) or basically talk in a way that they wouldn't in real life. If the idea is that you get to know someone in order to meet them and potentially have a relationship you need to be your real self, not what you think a hotshot smoothie with the ladies is like, or desperate flattery.

3. My personal peeve is photos with the guy wearing a shirt, or shirt and tie. Now some girls dig a nice suit, which I get, but a shirt? You're not going for a job interview and I think a better picture is one were you look like you do in your normal life. Jeans, tshirt whatever.

p.s. like I said, I haven't really responded to guys yet but I will when I've had a bit more time from the split

Eve_Dublin

Frasiercrane wrote: »

I've been on and off different websites for five years or more now. In the beginning, I always managed to find someone to chat to at least, even if a meet didn't materialise.

But I find in the last two years it has ceased entirely. NOBODY contacts me, and I get NO response to messages I send. I don't know whether I am subconsciously doing something wrong, but I don't think so. But I used to make friends before. Now nothing at all. I really think too many of the girls online are not serious about it at all, and are really just complete timewasters.

I do find it depressing reading the girl's profiles though. They are either terribly written, full of textspeak and loads of photographs of them in various states of drinking, or else they are very cold, and demanding of some kind of superhuman guy who has loads of interests, travels the world, is tall, superfit, good looking, 'hot,' confident, ambitious and successful. I know of very few guys who can tick all of those boxes.

Where are the nice, quiet, ordinary girls? Actually, there are a few on the UK pages, alas, too far away. But very few in Ireland. The most open, friendliest, non-materialistic, loving and genuine girls I ever encounter are foreign girls, from anywhere in Europe or eastern Europe. They have few hangups about guys, and take you as they find you. I have all but lost faith in Irish girls. Perhaps the Celtic Tiger ruined them all.

Ooooh I dunno, let me have a stab in the dark here and guess that perhaps the women pick up on the fact that you dislike them purely because they're Irish and female? That's really pathetic. I would be gutted if I met up with you for a date only to realise half way through the night that you disliked me purely because I'm an Irish female. Women are very attuned to vibes and most women can spot a bitter, resentful man a mile off. Grow up and quit shifting the blame on the whole female population of this country. If you've had absolutely no responses whatsoever, then it's YOUR problem, not ours. Change your attitude and you might have more luck.

OP...you sound like a very decent, level-headed, mature fella and I'm sorry you're not having much luck. Maybe get a second opinion on your profile from another female friend? Perhaps your other female friend was being biased because she already knows you or is afraid to hurt your feelings. You need a friend who is known for her brutal honesty.

mobilecore

I hate to be the one who "tells it as it is" - but when it comes to threads about dating sites, yes alot is open but alot does be hidden.
So i dont mean to offend anyone with the following - of course not everyone who uses dating sites is like this/will encounter this, but alot will....

I'm a guy. Just so you know. Basically to sum it up. Dating sites are terrible.

1, As mentioned the men-women ratio on these sites are insane. Depending on how popular the site is, you can easily get 10 male users to every 1 female user. Sadly due to the nature of communication (just typing on your keyboard) female users get so much contact.
As also mentioned above the whole "a few mails being sent back and fourth then nothing" - women can use these sites and get an ego boost, even spoiled for choice.. more times or not when you're mailling someone then it just stops, someone new is mailling. Then repeat what usually happens. Its like going to a bar with 100 people in it. All single. 90 guys and 10 women. What you think will happen?

2, Dating sites are sex sites. I know that might offend people. But lets just be honest, how many users actually use the site for what they say. Of course some do to meet that special someone. But the vast majority of people use it for one thing (especially the male users.. but even female) I'll use POF as an example. There are at least 5 women (that i know of) who appear not only on that dating site, but on sex sites using there same username. I also know someone who has had close to 20 one night stands over the last two years on that site (male user)
I shall always remember what a friend showed me.... He showed me a womans profile on POF ... it was filled with "DON'T MESSAGE ME FOR SEX! I DONT WANT SEX!" .. I said "sounds fine" ... he puts her username into google. Up pops her on sex sites fully naked. Saying "looking for naughty fun" etc etc.

3, the sad thing in life is that sometimes its hard to meet people in your day to day. Maybe its your social circle, maybe its because other reasons. The idea of maybe meeting someone online, someone who you would never of crossed paths sounds like a good idea. Sad thing is, I've know people who met up from dating sites. Got into relationships. Only for one half to be continuing to use the site behind their partners back - this actually happens ALOT of the time.

I could probably keep going on and on :P
Yes, from being on a dating site you could meet someone special - but thats unlikely to happen.

I meet my partner on dating site ..it worked for me...first off join a paid site ...then put a good picture of your self on you profile, not one you took yourself and not one in a suit......one that show-es you relaxed, out and and about, smiling and comfortable with yourself,

on your profile say that you genuine and are interested in meeting and getting to know someone or maybe something along the lines of you'd be interested in having a few relaxed easygoing dates with someone and seeing where it goes form there...

and finely maybe you'll just have to re frame what you perceive as rejection.. if its going to be a massive blow to you self confidence if it doesn't work for you...then don't do it

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Ooooh I dunno, let me have a stab in the dark here and guess that perhaps the women pick up on the fact that you dislike them purely because they're Irish and female? That's really pathetic. I would be gutted if I met up with you for a date only to realise half way through the night that you disliked me purely because I'm an Irish female. Women are very attuned to vibes and most women can spot a bitter, resentful man a mile off. Grow up and quit shifting the blame on the whole female population of this country. If you've had absolutely no responses whatsoever, then it's YOUR problem, not ours. Change your attitude and you might have more luck.

What did I do to deserve this tirade from you? If you are representative of the kind of women online, then it's no wonder guys like me and the OP have given up. All I did was come on and give my own experience of online dating sites. Having been on and off them for five years, and had many dates over the years, although much less more recently than before, I feel I have some perspective on them.

Why would you come on here and subject someone you don't know and never met to abuse? Would you talk to me like that if I approached you in a pub? You are the kind of girl who makes it so difficult for guys, who pass judgement immediately without waiting to get to know someone behind the 'first impression' that is possible to make in three or four lines of an online profile or forum post.

One thing about the anonymity of the internet is that people's true colours come true quicker, especially if they are disposed too easily to rudeness or discourtesy. I treat everyone with courtesy. I get very little in return 'online.' This is just another example. There are lovely women everywhere, really nice, genuine people. They just seem to be rare online. The point being that dating websites appear, on recent experience, to be a total waste of time.

I'll leave you with one of your own comments from elsewhere. Do try to lighten up, the person you attack might just be a nice person, if you bothered to give them the benefit of the doubt. Arrogance is never attractive, in either sex. Be nice to someone, and make the world a more pleasant place.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

This was a stupidly insensitive, tactless and arrogant comment. There´s a real person behind that user name...have a bit of tact and sensitivity ffs. :mad:

Eve_Dublin

Frasiercrane wrote: »

What did I do to deserve this tirade from you? If you are representative of the kind of women online, then it's no wonder guys like me and the OP have given up. All I did was come on and give my own experience of online dating sites. Having been on and off them for five years, and had many dates over the years, although much less more recently than before, I feel I have some perspective on them.

Why would you come on here and subject someone you don't know and never met to abuse? Would you talk to me like that if I approached you in a pub? You are the kind of girl who makes it so difficult for guys, who pass judgement immediately without waiting to get to know someone behind the 'first impression' that is possible to make in three or four lines of an online profile or forum post.

One thing about the anonymity of the internet is that people's true colours come true quicker, especially if they are disposed too easily to rudeness or discourtesy. I treat everyone with courtesy. I get very little in return 'online.' This is just another example. There are lovely women everywhere, really nice, genuine people. They just seem to be rare online. The point being that dating websites appear, on recent experience, to be a total waste of time.

I'll leave you with one of your own comments from elsewhere. Do try to lighten up, the person you attack might just be a nice person, if you bothered to give them the benefit of the doubt. Arrogance is never attractive, in either sex. Be nice to someone, and make the world a more pleasant place.

I don't live in Ireland and I've never used online dating websites but you wrote this

"Where are the nice, quiet, ordinary girls? Actually, there are a few on the UK pages, alas, too far away. But very few in Ireland. The most open, friendliest, non-materialistic, loving and genuine girls I ever encounter are foreign girls, from anywhere in Europe or eastern Europe. They have few hangups about guys, and take you as they find you. I have all but lost faith in Irish girls. Perhaps the Celtic Tiger ruined them all."

Reread this comment and see why I MIGHT find this offensive. You don't know me either and you insulted me purely because I'm Irish and female. Perhaps I took you up wrong but please explain to me how I wouldn't find the comment above offensive? You've essentially said that friendly, non-materialistic, loving and genuine girls are few and far between in Ireland and then you accuse ME of being abusive???? That's ridiculous!! I live in Spain and I hear the very same complaints from local men here.

Edit: Were you specifically talking about girls online? Listen, the case is the same: no doubt you've made a judgement on me because of what I wrote above. You probably think I'm rude and unfriendly but this is not the case. People can be misinterpreted all kinds of ways from text. Judging someone's character on bad grammar or whether they like to be photographed holding an alcoholic beverage is ridiculous! People have an online character that often differs from their true character....maybe try and see beyond these profiles and give the girls a chance.

LegacyUser

Dear oh dear, eve_dublin....you've summed up most of the problems between men and women..in that, he makes a sweeping generalisation about the female population and you jump down his throat!...let me now make a general sweeping statement, men sometimes open their mouths without thinking and women sometimes jump down it feet first...

Cheer up dear!!

The Recliner

Can we get back to the OP's post please and less of the interpersonals and generalisations

Miss_Ellie

Hi OP,

You mention that you aren't getting replies to your emails.
I always viewed internet dating as fishing. You throw loads of lines in the water and hope for a nibble from one.

You need to put time and effort in. Have a nice picture of yourself. Re-read your profile - is it really saying the best it can about you. Try not to be generic (ie walks on the beach) - say something specific. If you have a hobby (maybe not stamp collecting, or train spotting.....) mention it. Give an interesting, prefereably humerous, fact about yourself.

You need to stand out from the crowd.

Also, the emails you send should not be 'Hi........' and nothing else. Remark on something that you read in that persons profile. There's nothing like the personal touch.

There are a lot of people on the sites and it can get wearying trawling through them. But you have to stay positive.

Also, if you are shy at approaching the opposite sex the great thing about these sites is that they make you realise that starting conversations is easy. And also some people will want to talk to you - others won't. Its just a simple fact of life.

Apart from that have fun and enjoy.

ME

LegacyUser

Hey, Miss Ellie, thanks for the great reply. The thing is, I've tried all that. Whenever I contact someone for the first time, I always make sure to address something specific from their profile, and not just say 'hi, how are you?' I keep it friendly and crack a joke where appropriate. I've got a good photo of me up, but then, I don't think I take a great photo, so it's the best photo I can find! I guess I just don't make a great first impression. Certainly, when it's come to my exes, they were never into me for looks! Maybe some people just don't suit internet dating, and I think I'm one.

Miss_Ellie

Hi again FTP,

Staying positive is very important when it comes to internet dating.

I see you said that your balding and with a shaved head. And you seem to think that it a problem!!!!! I, for one, find that very very attractive - so there must be others like me out there. It does take all kinds. Once your comfortable in your skin then thats the most important thing.

I do notice that some guys put photos of motorbikes (or them on motorbikes.....wearing helmets!!) up as their profile pics. Again, it does take all kinds, but I for one would rather walk 100 miles in snow, wind and rain rather than sit on a motorbike, wearing grubby sticky leathers and having a mouthful of flying insects for tea!!! :rolleyes:

What I am trying to say is that you need to be careful of the image you protray. It is very important that you get somebody else to help with the profile and give it the once over.

Also, spelling!!!! Make sure there are no mistakes. There really is no excuse. You are creating the profile in your own time so you should be able to ensure no obvious spelling errors remain!

Nd dn't use txt spk 4 gods sake!!!!

Best of luck!!!

ME

LegacyUser

Hey Miss_Ellie. Once again, thank you for your advice. However, after another three cases of being ignored, I think I'm just going to call it on the internet dating thing. It's actually beginning to hurt my feelings, and as crazy as it sounds, I'm a little embarrassed at being ignored. Every time, it feels like being shot down. And I think I'd rather be shot down face to face than shot down over the intenet! It just seems sadder that way. Two years trying this, and I'm no closer to anything than when I started. And reading over that bit makes it feel a little worse!

I've tried every approach I can think of. Being friendly, talking a bit about myself. Asking questions based on the girl's profile. Cracking the odd joke. Being self-depricating, but not self-defeatist. Even tried being a bit cocky and that whole approach. But nothing works. So I'm just giving up. I really don't mean to sound like I'm complaining about it, because I know it works for some people, and that's cool. If anything it's helped me decide to become a bit more proactive in real life. I just hope I don't get the same reception to my face!

G-Money

I've been in the same boat OP. Been on several sites over the years and quite often it's pot luck as to whether you will get a reply. I think some sites are better than others. One site in particular I think is quite bad for getting replies. I've been on it a couple of months now and I think I've got two replies in total. One girl sent a fairly boring reply which I replied to after a few days and that was it. One other girl came across as very cold and unfriendly when I made a quick joke about a spelling mistake in her profile she said "My ex used to do the same thing" and pretty much left it at that. My first thought was "I see why you are single now." I almost caught hypothermia from her reply it was so cold.

But since then, I've got no replies from any girls. I have to be honest and say I haven't made a huge effort but it feels like a waste of time. I'll be honest and say I'm thinking the girls on this particular site are very stuck up or something. I'm no stud, but I usually get a few more replies than I have so far. I'm leaving the site shortly anyway so it's no big deal.

Sometimes you go through periods of getting no replies at all, no matter how perfect your email might be. It could be the most original, funny, perfect mail and it still won't get replied to. It's frustrating, but I take a carpet bombing mentality to it. You simply can't put all your eggs in one basket as if you do, there's a good chance you will get nowhere. I usually do a search, email the girls that seem interesting, then move on to the next one. It might seem like I'm trying to be a "player" but nothing could be further from the truth. You just have to mail lots of girls to give you the best chance of getting a reply and getting to meet someone. Sure how many times do you even get a reply and one or both parties lose interest?

It's really peaks and trough's I find. Like I say you can go through periods where no girl responds, then other times you can get two or three initiate contact with you in the same day.

I should probably get off the sites actually and focus more on girls I see on nights out or whatever. My problem is then that I never approach them, even on the rare occasions when they want me to.

But as I was walking home this evening I was just thinking about how frustrating the whole dating scene is. I don't know whether you're supposed to give people a chance, or just wait until you have a spark with someone and go for it with them and only them. The problem is that meeting someone you click with like that is so rare, and the chances of both people being single and interested in the other makes the possibility even more remote. But at the same time I don't want to end up with a girl where I'm sort of forcing myself to be interested in her.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent there. Anyway, don't take it personally. We all get shot down by girls online, and I certainly have been. I don't let it bother me as I know that eventually they will realise they've made a mistake and by which time, I'll be a superstar :cool:

Seriously though, that's how you have to think about it. If you give them a chance and they don't take it, simply forget about them and move on. You are the prize!

Good luck.

Miss_Ellie

Hi FTP and GrandMaster,

Well if it's any consolation I've had similar experiences from internet dating. I've left the site I was on a few months ago cause, to be honest, it was totally head-wrecking.
I always replied to guys if they emailed. Indeed I initiated a lot of conversations.
Some email conversations would drag on and go nowhere. Others would fizzle out earlier. Some would lead to meeting for a coffee.
I'm not going to go into too much detail but I have met all kinds........
So, I totally understand the disillushionment.

FTP, for the record, I really cannot understand why you haven't replies. I thought that your message at the start of this thread was really well written and interesting. That's why I replied to it.

Anyhow, if you have both decided to step back from internet dating then that it totally your choice. But it might be worth persuing until your subscription runs out. Why not........

I wish there were an easy solution that I got prescribe (for me as well as you!!).

Happy hunting!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. And thanks, Miss Ellie, for the kind words. Makes me think maybe I don't come across as irredeemably boring in my messages!

GrandMaster, I had an experience close to that! On one of the rare occassions where I did get a reply, I thought 'cool, dialogue.' Proceeded to reply, only to get an extremely cold reply and then a block! Now, I wouldn't mind that had I said something increibly profane or inappropriate, but it wasn't like that at all. I dunno. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, I don't think I understand women!

LegacyUser

How you do on Internet dating - the internet is not the real world.

I also found that I often didnt do to well with internet based dates: The reason is simple:

There are far more guys online than there are girls, and far less attractive girls online than there is in real life. Thus online, even moderately attractive girls are getting hundreds of mails a day and it's always possible that there might be an even better guy about to email them the next day.

In real life, even stunning girls only get asked out once in a while, so they are far more likely to give you a chance, even if you don't look like Colin Farell. Not that looking like Colin Farrell is the most important thing for you: As a bloke, your most valuable asset is your charm, wit and the image you create of yourself.

To take a marketing analogy: If you want to sell something to a person on a low income you say "Its a cheap price, and it's reliable and it wont let you down" , but if you want to sell something to a middle class D4 urbanite "Well of course its very expensive, but its also very exclusive and hard to get your hands on"

When it comes to dating, we blokes are like the working class guy after a decent bargain. Women, on the other hand, are like well-heeled D4-ites browsing in Brown Thomas: By meeting them online, you have placed yourself in the 99 Cent bin at the 2 Euro shop. Many of them go on a date and simply think "Eeeww, meeting guys online, is this what I'm reduced to?" and never call ya back. As well as this, many of them are consciously or unconsciously worried that you may be a psycho-stalker and thus have a heightened sensitivity for any idiosyncrasies you might have. In real life, they probably met you at a party with some of your mates, and maybe you even know people common, so they'll be far more at their ease.

Get out into the real world, go to clubs, pubs, parties, and things you enjoy. With a little effort you can meet more decent women at one good house party than in 6 months of online dating: Remember that most of attraction is actually an unquantifiable non-verbal thing that simply cannot be done online, when you organise a 'date' with a girl you met online - what you are organising is not a date, it is a 'meeting'.

You dont know this person at all, even if you chatted on MSN for 3 hours: And both of you basically work out in the first 30 seconds of the date whether you might actually potentially fancy each other or not, but for politenesses sake you stay for 2 hours and shoot the breeze whether that answer is yes or not.

In real life, its much easier: If you get talking to a woman at a party and she's still talking to you after 20 minutes: She's probably somewhat into you, otherwise she'd bugger off and talk to somebody else. With online dates there's no way to know as you both stay for at least an hour or two out of politeness.

In short, it is a crap way to meet women, and you will do far better in real life. Dont judge yourself by what the internet tells you.

Or to put it another way: If I uploaded a Youtube clip of a beautiful heartfelt song that I'd written with an elegantly produced music video to go with it, it would get about 3 or 4 hits. If I stuck up a video of a guy getting hit in the balls with a hammer, it would get 6,000,000 hits. The internet is just like that, dude. Dont take it's opinion of you seriously!

LegacyUser

Wow, mrmanmrman, that's a very interesting way of looking at it, and a conclusion I wish I had come to myself. I guess it is a very different way of meeting people, and it's very impersonal too. The 'rules' that dictate interpersonal relationships in the real world don't really apply to the virtual world. Thanks for giving me something to think about. Your post is very helpful.

Miss_Ellie

Excellent posting mrmanmrman

I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head about internet dating.

It is a false environment to meet someone and the first 'date' is not a date!! It is a meet and see.
See if there is chemistry - see if each fancies each other - see if each like the others dress-sense. In essence it's about meeting the other person to see if they fancy them.

In other situations, whether at a party or out socialising or whatever, both parties have already made that judgement call. And if one doesn't like the other it's usually easily apparent.