Ex in contact, am I reading too much into it

LegacyUser

Hello,

I'll make this as quick as possible. With my oh 2 1/2 years. I went out for a guy before this who I was mad about, we split because he wasn't right for me but we were not on bad terms. Anyways he has a new gf now too. A few months ago I was drunk and decided to ring everyone in my phone book including ex to invite people over for a party. He told me his gf wasn't happy I apologised, end of, no harm done. The other day I got a msg from ex on social networking site, him and his gf are on a break. He wanted to say that he didn't mean to be mean the time I phoned(he wasn't) no hard feelings, I told him i'm happy he's met someone and best of luck. He told me him and the gf are on a break which is why he's texting me now so as not to do it behind her back. Starting asking me how things were with my OH and what I was doing and sent a few random msgs back and forth. My head is all over the place, why after months would he just mail me out of the blue, I feel guilty for responding to him as we both have a bf/gf. Yet part of me was looking forward to seeing his messages which makes me feel even more guilty. Am I reading too much into this?

desolate sun

headinatailspin wrote: »

why after months would he just mail me out of the blue

You contacted him out of the blue, a few months ago, which must have wrecked his head too.
Anyway it sounds like your ex is vulnerable because he split with his ex and for some reason is latching onto you. TBH I wouldnt get involved.
He sounds like he needs a friend not a girlfriend

LegacyUser

desolate sun wrote: »

You contacted him out of the blue, a few months ago, which must have wrecked his head too.
Anyway it sounds like your ex is vulnerable because he split with his ex and for some reason is latching onto you. TBH I wouldnt get involved.
He sounds like he needs a friend not a girlfriend

They haven't split they're just on a break. Yeah maybe he just needs someone to confide in and knows i'm the "good listening/giving advice" type, if I only I could listen to my own. We were friends for a good while after we split aswell.

ApeXaviour

It seems you'll read what you want to read from people's posts, so I'll try write plainly.

You're clearly trying to justify more contact with him because you're interested in him. It's okay to feel this way once you realise it.

If he came to you tomorrow and said "I've missed you terribly, I want you back", would you go back to him? If so perhaps you should re-evaluate your current relationship.

You should also evaluate your feelings for him (your ex) since they apparently can't be reconciled with your compatibility... Your aim life is to find someone you can be happy with for the rest of it. Spending time with someone who makes you stupid with infatuation, but has zero future potential does not help in this goal. To that end I would suggest politely cutting contact with him.

LegacyUser

ApeXaviour wrote: »

It seems you'll read what you want to read from people's posts, so I'll try write plainly.

You're clearly trying to justify more contact with him because you're interested in him. It's okay to feel this way once you realise it.

If he came to you tomorrow and said "I've missed you terribly, I want you back", would you go back to him? If so perhaps you should re-evaluate your current relationship.

You should also evaluate your feelings for him (your ex) since they apparently can't be reconciled with your compatibility... Your aim life is to find someone you can be happy with for the rest of it. Spending time with someone who makes you stupid with infatuation, but has zero future potential does not help in this goal. To that end I would suggest politely cutting contact with him.

I don't know where you get the read what you want bit from, but you're dead right about the rest.

LegacyUser

I have "politely" cut contact with him and my head is wrecked and I don't know why.

G-Money

headinatailspin wrote: »

we split because he wasn't right for me

What's changed? Why is he right for you now?

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

What's changed? Why is he right for you now?

Nothing I never said he was right for me now?

Ickle Magoo

What do you want from it? If he really fancied you and wanted a relationship then surely he'd finish with the gf and ask you out? I don't think there is any point in torturing yourself by over-analysing every detail of contact between you - work out what you want. Do you want to be with him in a relationship? If so then tell him that and see what happens, if not, cut contact and move on with your life.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

What do you want from it? If he really fancied you and wanted a relationship then surely he'd finish with the gf and ask you out? I don't think there is any point in torturing yourself by over-analysing every detail of contact between you - work out what you want. Do you want to be with him in a relationship? If so then tell him that and see what happens, if not, cut contact and move on with your life.

Best of luck.

I was moving on with my life it is so out of the blue and unusual for him to do this, haven't spoke to him properly in about 2 years it just kind of got me thinking why was he contacting me now all of a sudden and brought back old memories, i'm only human. The thing is when I told him i'm happy he's met someone nice I genuinely meant it so surely if I am glad he's happy with someone I can't still be harbouring feelings that doesn't make sense.

S23

Agreed with most of what was said here. I'd also have a think about your current relationship if I was you. It didn't take much to have your head turned. Two and half years is a long time to be going out with someone if its (possibly) not headed anywhere. I'd evaluate where you are now and how exactly you feel about your OH becaue I feel a bit sorry for him that his GF had her head turned and her feelings stirred on such a flimsy thing as a text or two

LegacyUser

S23 wrote: »

Agreed with most of what was said here. I'd also have a think about your current relationship if I was you. It didn't take much to have your head turned. Two and half years is a long time to be going out with someone if its (possibly) not headed anywhere. I'd evaluate where you are now and how exactly you feel about your OH becaue I feel a bit sorry for him that his GF had her head turned and her feelings stirred on such a flimsy thing as a text or two

It was a mail he sent me and it wasn't just some random guy, it was a guy that I was absolutely crazy about, it brought up old memories it's not like we're running off in to the sunset together, I just wanted to get my head around why he contacted me out of the blue. I guess the fact my bf and I have been on the rocks lately his timing was just a bit mad aswell, my bf called me a disgusting creature the other day so maybe I did take some comfort in the fact my ex was being nice to me and asking how I was etc etc.

G-Money

headinatailspin wrote: »

Nothing I never said he was right for me now?

Not outright but the fact that your head is in a spin suggests that in someway you still like him. If you were over it and weren't at least considering going back to him, there'd be no confusion.

Perhaps I'm thinking of this too simply.

S23

headinatailspin wrote: »

It was a mail he sent me and it wasn't just some random guy, it was a guy that I was absolutely crazy about, it brought up old memories it's not like we're running off in to the sunset together, I just wanted to get my head around why he contacted me out of the blue. I guess the fact my bf and I have been on the rocks lately his timing was just a bit mad aswell, my bf called me a disgusting creature the other day so maybe I did take some comfort in the fact my ex was being nice to me and asking how I was etc etc.

You've just made my point for me there I'm afraid. Your current relationship is on the rocks and your boyfriend has taken to insulting you.
As I already said, take stock of your current realtionship.

And for the record, when I was younger I was mad about a couple of girls I went out with. If they got back in contact with me now it wouldn't stir feelings because I'm with my partner. Previous relationships ended for a reasons and this one has lasted for a reason.

I wouldn't commit to a long term relationship with someone if I was emotionally committed to them 100%. The old 'ah but I used to be mad about this guy' excuse doesn't cut it for me.

You're over him or you're not. If you're still emotionally attached or involved with a guy then any prospective partner should know before it gets too serious. Also, you said you are with the OH 2 and half years. Thats plenty of time to get over it.

Anyway, I'll stick by my advice. Have a long hard look at your current relationship

Ickle Magoo

headinatailspin wrote: »

I was moving on with my life it is so out of the blue and unusual for him to do this, haven't spoke to him properly in about 2 years it just kind of got me thinking why was he contacting me now all of a sudden and brought back old memories, i'm only human. The thing is when I told him i'm happy he's met someone nice I genuinely meant it so surely if I am glad he's happy with someone I can't still be harbouring feelings that doesn't make sense.

Just because you told him you were happy he's met someone doesn't mean you don't harbour feeling for him. I suspect if there were no feelings then you wouldn't be in a tizzy that he's contacted you and we wouldn't be having this conversation...you need to work out what (and whom!) you are really interested in and go from there.

LegacyUser

S23 wrote: »

You've just made my point for me there I'm afraid. Your current relationship is on the rocks and your boyfriend has taken to insulting you.
As I already said, take stock of your current realtionship.

And for the record, when I was younger I was mad about a couple of girls I went out with. If they got back in contact with me now it wouldn't stir feelings because I'm with my partner. Previous relationships ended for a reasons and this one has lasted for a reason.

I wouldn't commit to a long term relationship with someone if I was emotionally committed to them 100%. The old 'ah but I used to be mad about this guy' excuse doesn't cut it for me.

You're over him or you're not. If you're still emotionally attached or involved with a guy then any prospective partner should know before it gets too serious. Also, you said you are with the OH 2 and half years. Thats plenty of time to get over it.

Anyway, I'll stick by my advice. Have a long hard look at your current relationship

You can't say oh 2 and half years that's plenty of time you don't have some sort of set time for these things people are different. For the record, just because your exes didn't stir emotions with you doesn't mean this goes for everyone, I don't know why you said you feel sorry for my other half, it's not like I cheated on him and never would, as I said I feel guilty enough I was looking for advice and to get clarity on the situation not to have people on their moral high horses putting me on a guilt trip.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Just because you told him you were happy he's met someone doesn't mean you don't harbour feeling for him. I suspect if there were no feelings then you wouldn't be in a tizzy that he's contacted you and we wouldn't be having this conversation...you need to work out what (and whom!) you are really interested in and go from there.

Yeah you're dead right, it's just that he hasn't been on my mind or that and the fact he contacted me out of the blue I thought there might me more behind it on his part, like he said he was sorry for being nasty to me about me ringing him, when all he said was its probably best I delete his number as his gf wasn't happy about me ringing hardly qualifies as nasty.

S23

headinatailspin wrote: »

You can't say oh 2 and half years that's plenty of time you don't have some sort of set time for these things people are different. For the record, just because your exes didn't stir emotions with you doesn't mean this goes for everyone, I don't know why you said you feel sorry for my other half, it's not like I cheated on him and never would, as I said I feel guilty enough I was looking for advice and to get clarity on the situation not to have people on their moral high horses putting me on a guilt trip.

I'm not up on my high horse or trying to guilt trip you. If you ask for honest opinions thats what you will get. If you want people to come on here and tell you what you want to hear then thats what you should ask for.

No you're right you can't put a time limit on things sometimes. However, is it fair to be going out with someone for two and a half years when you are quite possibly still in love with someone else? Not in my book. Two and a half years is a lot of time to waste for someone. All it took was one little bit of contact from this lad and you are all over the place.

Thats why I feel sorry for your OH. If I was dating someone for 2 and half years I'd presume we had strong feelings for each other and a pretty stable relationship at that stage. If my OH was sent head over heels with something as innocuous as a message from some other lad I'd feel very hurt that she could so easily have her question her feelings for me in comparison to this other lad.

I never said that because my exes don't stir my emotions its the same for everyone. However, if they did then I certainly wouldn't be going into a long term relationship with the knowledge/feeling that I was probably in love with someone else. Or that while my partner was alright, if the chance arose I'd be off with someone else

You are looking for advice and clarity and thats what I'm offering you. Take a big long hard look at this relationship you are in and try and assess where you are. How much do you care for him and how much does he care for you. What does it say about your 2 and half year relationship that your head is in a spin from a couple of messages and you're quite possibly contemplating getting back with an ex you haven't heard from in such a long time on such a flimsy basis.

I'm not here to appease your conscience. I know you can't help feeling how you feel so I don't blame you for that but I do certainly think your OH is getting a raw deal here. I reckon anyone in a relationship as long as yours would assume it would take a little more than a couple of text messages to shake the foundations the way it has for you.

LegacyUser

S23 wrote: »

I'm not up on my high horse or trying to guilt trip you. If you ask for honest opinions thats what you will get. If you want people to come on here and tell you what you want to hear then thats what you should ask for.

No you're right you can't put a time limit on things sometimes. However, is it fair to be going out with someone for two and a half years when you are quite possibly still in love with someone else? Not in my book. Two and a half years is a lot of time to waste for someone. All it took was one little bit of contact from this lad and you are all over the place.

Thats why I feel sorry for your OH. If I was dating someone for 2 and half years I'd presume we had strong feelings for each other and a pretty stable relationship at that stage. If my OH was sent head over heels with something as innocuous as a message from some other lad I'd feel very hurt that she could so easily have her question her feelings for me in comparison to this other lad.

I never said that because my exes don't stir my emotions its the same for everyone. However, if they did then I certainly wouldn't be going into a long term relationship with the knowledge/feeling that I was probably in love with someone else. Or that while my partner was alright, if the chance arose I'd be off with someone else

You are looking for advice and clarity and thats what I'm offering you. Take a big long hard look at this relationship you are in and try and assess where you are. How much do you care for him and how much does he care for you. What does it say about your 2 and half year relationship that your head is in a spin from a couple of messages and you're quite possibly contemplating getting back with an ex you haven't heard from in such a long time on such a flimsy basis.

I'm not here to appease your conscience. I know you can't help feeling how you feel so I don't blame you for that but I do certainly think your OH is getting a raw deal here. I reckon anyone in a relationship as long as yours would assume it would take a little more than a couple of text messages to shake the foundations the way it has for you.

1. Im not considering getting back with my ex
2. Im not in love with him
3. You know nothing about my bf to say he's getting a raw deal, i've put up with more than my fair of **** from him and tried to make the relationship work, like who calls their girlfriend a disgusting creature, i'd never speak to anyone like that and the reason was bcoz I used the f word in front of his 7 year old son, I cursed because he was driving at 140kmh on the motorway with both of us in the car and wouldn't slow down.

S23

#3

Like I keep telling you. Take a good long hard look at your realtionship. Thats been my advice to you all along

SarahSassy

The main issue here is that you are staying with someone who has verbally abused you.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

The main issue here is that you are staying with someone who has verbally abused you.

Maybe you're right.

LegacyUser

Hey thanks everyone for their advice myself and my bf have split up.

LegacyUser

Hey guys sorry to drag up old threat but I am totally and utterly confused. Since I split with my bf the ex has split with his gf, my housemate is moving out so I put up on Social Networking site that room was available for rent. Ex has mailed me inquring saying he would be interested in moving in, WTF??? I honestly can't think straight I only broke up with my bf and now this, can anyone make sense of this for me?

Ickle Magoo

headinatailspin wrote: »

Hey guys sorry to drag up old threat but I am totally and utterly confused. Since I split with my bf the ex has split with his gf, my housemate is moving out so I put up on Social Networking site that room was available for rent. Ex has mailed me inquring saying he would be interested in moving in, WTF??? I honestly can't think straight I only broke up with my bf and now this, can anyone make sense of this for me?

You might be better off and get a better response if you post your own thread or ask a mod to split your post off this thread?

I think if you are wondering what is going on, your ex moving in is probably not the best idea. Why don't you see if you can find someone else to move in and then let him know the room is taken?

Zaph

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You might be better off and get a better response if you post your own thread or ask a mod to split your post off this thread?

That is the OP you're replying to