Aiding my folks with a speration

LegacyUser

This is a weird one but my folks are both at a stage of their lives where they cannot stand to be around each other. My Dad had an affair a few years back and is suspected to be continuing this relationship behind my mothers back. He has also changed a lot and is no longer the man she married. I still love them both but it pains me to see how miserable they are together. My mother is in her late 50's and has pretty much no quality of life and is totally reliant on my father financially. I am in my mid 20's so am well past playing 'happy families' now and I just want to see them both having as good a life as they can at their age. My mother will never be happy with him but she is too insecure to make any big changes. All her friends and family advise her to separate and live her own life and although this is what she seems to want, she just can't take the initiative to doing something. She also lacks self esteem and confidence which is unfortunate as this is exactly what she needs to drive her to change her life for the better.

I've had open discussions with both of them about making a big change in their lives as I just hate to see them both so unhappy and all they do is argue. I really think they both want a change but can't seem to do it. My Dad does not have much life savings and my mother has no money to her name. They both own a house without a morgage so if they split they could sell up and spit 50/50. My Dad would always be well able to look after himself but I worry about my mother and she would have to be financially set up. Is there anybody that she could go and see like a solicitor that would help her draw up some sort of a life plan if they were to separate?

I know this sounds crazy, somebody actually looking to encourage their parents to separate but I really feel this is best for them both. I worry relentlessly about my mother's mental state and I think if her life does not pick up she could fall in to deep depression, as she is already prone to depression. I just want to see her happier and I think as long as she is with my Dad, she will always be living a very troubled life.
Anyway advice is much appreciated,
Thansks

cafecolour

It doesn't sound crazy, it sounds very mature of you.

If your mother can afford a solicitor, definitely start consulting one. If not, she should put her name in the Legal Aid Board queue.

Have you explicitly suggested separating to them? What has been their response?

LegacyUser

Not sure what advice to give you, but just wanted to say I watched my parents grow apart for more than 10 years, and when they finally separated it was a major relief.

My dad is a bit of a bully, so wasn't the most pleasant situation, but one thing I think is very important from what I saw is that your mother has some financial independence.
I would definitely recommend going to a solicitor, and I'd also suggest doing it without mentioning it to your father so he doesn't try to hide assets that she'd be entitled to. Not saying he would, but if he'd be better able to stand on his own two feet, she'll be the more vulnerable one. Maybe encourage her to join some clubs or get involved in something in the community to get her out and about with her own network.

Also bear in mind that while you've seen first hand why they would be better separated, culturally they will bear the brunt of their generation's judgement and questions. And they might be lonely, and if one of them meets someone new in future, jealous. I'm just flagging this with you because they might be lonely or lose friends in good old catholic Ireland. So they might need some good support networks around them.

You'll need good friends and support around you too, because even though this is something you want to see happen, it's not the easiest thing to have to go through and spending Christmases or holidays trekking between parents or having to 'choose' one over the other won't be fun.

Best of luck and I hope it does work out for you. From my point of view, a few years down the line, there are hassles but they are *nothing* like what they would be watching my mother be lonely with my moody horrible father throwing his weight around. It would make you question what on earth marriage was about if they had stayed together, and the answers wouldn't be good...

JuliusCaesar

this might be useful....cheaper then solicitors