Is it possible to get over the past and its' effects on the present?

LegacyUser

My life is a mess because I'm a perfect example of how holding onto the past destroys the present. Or, a little voice wonders, is it really because a very bad childhood can stunt a person. I can't hold down a job because I don't know how to keep a professional face, At some point I start crying in work, the pressure gets to me, insomnia strikes, stress causes me to get ill and I get fired. I've been on anti-depressants before but getting time off work to get them didn't go down well with the 4 jobs I had in the 5 years I was taking them. They also weren't helping so much as I'm better able to deal with stressful random occurences now and every day stress levels are pretty much the same on or off them.

I am a 30 yr old girl. I don't feel like I've ever grown up. I've learnt to keep the crazy away from acquaintances (with infrequent contact) but the friends who I let see all the pain and tears have walked away or I pushed them away. I'm a bad friend because I'm a bad person. Who would choose to keep someone as a friend when they can't answer the phone more times than they can because I know my voice would crack and I then I'd have to explain to them that I can't get remembered emotions/memories out of my head. It got boring for the friends who have walked away. It's one of those damned if you answer the phone, damned if you don't situations. When I have spoken to people and put on a happy face, I end up tailking too much in an effort to maintain my happy face.

I've been seeing the same therapist for 4 years now (after trying different therapists since I left home) and my therapist says that my childhood caused post traumatic stress disorder and, since leaving home, I've been able to finally deal with the quashed emotions caused by sexual abuse, parental aloholism/drug addiction/suicide, constant emotional abuse from step parent and sometime particiapation from my mother. There was physical violence from my step father until I was 8 and a little every now and then 'till I left. Recently, through therapy, I have started remembering some of these instances in complete detail as that child I was felt it. The intense, "why?!" screaming in my head as he held me down and made my mother hit me. I don't know what I did wrong? I feel disgusted when I think of her leaving me with a family member for years who sexually abused me while she worked in the city and went to drug parties and had lots of sex (she gets very chatty about her wild days when she drinks which is a little too frequent she's not an every day drunk just that when she does drink, it's to excess). Right now this anger/hate is consuming me and I know that's not healthy. But I don't know how to move on. I can't release it.

I can't talk to my mother. I have been so upset with her for years and now I'm angry and I don't know how to deal with it. She is worried about me because I haven't spoken to any of my family for months. I see her neglecting her children for her own needs all over again. Remarried to another addict, expecting the next eldest from me to look after the youngest when she's sick because she has parties to go to (I'm not being melodramatic - she is sort of "society"). I was in hospital last year after an operation and she stormed out because she would have to wait for me to get the pharmacy to give me my meds and this was going to leave her with only an hour to get ready for her night out. She doesn't talk to any of us, she just weighs in with her opinion and won't let up 'till you're worn down. My sisters let her have too much control over their lives. The new huband has money and now it's all designer and I feels a little disgusted to hear her moan about the cost of doctors bills for my sister (making her feel guilty) when she spends thousands on a dress (once that I saw). They've all become label concious now. And I feel a bit of an embarrassment when we go out (I am definitely not a snappy dresser).

So how do I get over the past? Does anyone have suggestions for living in the present? How do I get over my anger for the past and the present? Will I ever be together enough to have a friend that I can cry in front of because I only cry once a year? Will I ever be able to attend a course or keep a job because I'm not afraid of the people around me?

I am sorry this is so long but I can't say this to anyone who's not my therapist. Thanks for reading.

PS I have been to alanon but I think I'm a bit too crazy for that. I tried ACOA but it was a bit too intense and I was the only girl.

Taltos

Op it really does seem like you had a stinker of a childhood.

Something to keep in mind that as part of your therapy - you will be in effect reliving some of these instances. It will bring back to you not only your memories but also those feelings of helplessness and rage. Ideally this is to allow the adult you to face these ghosts and deal with those emotions and heal. This whole process can take some time - and some days you will just feel like sh1t.
Continue to see the therapist and be totally open in how you are feeling - ask them to really walk you through how to cope with all this - or even consider going to someone else.

In terms though of your current family life (if you can call it that) - that just sounds like pure toxic.
So - why do you continue to be involved in a relationship where you come off second best?
I know she is your mom - but come on - if a stranger made you feel the way she does would you even give them change for a cup of coffee?

Sometimes you have to do the one thing you really don't want to - I would be seriously considering severing all ties with that person - while letting your siblings know that you are there for them always. This is a big step though and you need to think about it and even discuss it with your therapist if you do go that route. For me - families are great - well great when they are working well, but when they are disfunctional or toxic I really believe they are one of the most destructive forces out there. So if you are going to cut ties - then not only do you do it physically but emotionally as well - hence the therapist if you feel unable to currently cope.

Finally - stop blaming yourself and making out you are a mess. You aren't.
All this talk about keeping the crazy away, and putting on faces - you really really need to learn how to accept and love yourself. Otherwise the stress you will really be under by pretending to be someone you are not will rip you apart. Just be you - scary I know - but try to find one thing you like about yourself - it could even be just going for a walk and finding 5 minutes of contentment once a week. But get off your own case.

So stop blaming you - you WERE the victim as a child - but now as an adult you have the responsibility and the duty to yourself to change all that. Having found that happy thought - get used to replaying it say 3 times a day - or whenever you start feeling the demons close in - just train your brain to refocus on that happy thought - and while doing this - slow your breathing and breath deeply - this will help your brain send the message to your body that you are safe and you are ok... That will help a bit and it will get easier. Focus on pushing out your belly as you breath in - hold for a second or 2 - count it - and slowly release feeling your belly come back in - do this for 30 seconds - count if you have to...

jellyboy

Hi op

life is full of chioces,and maybe you have a chioce to make ...to sit in the pain and allow it to control you or to use the pain to move foward and embrace life.

i hope that you choose the latter,it wont be easy or free from the constraints of other peoples views,but it will be yours ...

letting go can be tough,i know that when i had pain the moment of pain was gone but i had held on to the aftereffect and held it like a baby does a dummy..wat i was doing was sitting in the affter effect like it was life itself..


responesabillty
i didnt ask for my alcholic mother,i didnt ask to be placed in her pain,i didnt ask for anything that happened to me,i handed it back to her ,priests,brother, everybody who gave me their pain...i carried it till it broke me and couldnt carry it anymore...i handed it back and freeded my life from other peoples pain...

you are you ..not your pain

LegacyUser

jellyboy:I have tried to let go of the pain and move forward and live my life but at some point something happens (as it always does in life - pets die, boyfriends have a secret drug problem) and I spiral back down. You're right about holding onto the pain. It's familiar and happiness/normality scares the sh1t out of me. However, it's really reassuring to read that you found a way to give back that pain. How did you do that? How do you continue to not hold it? Keep the thoughts at bay?

Taltos:You're right about the therapy process and the sh1tty feeling. I have lost so much of my life to this past and I don't want to lose too much more.

Why do I stay in a toxic relationship with my mother? On one hand I have no idea. I just want to leave her. On the other she says that I need to let go of the past and get over what she did (which is true). There's also the fact that I couldn't have a relationship with my sisters without having one with her. They would not forgive me for cutting her out and creating even more drama over the "dreadful" past and they love her and feel her pain. And I would be the one causing the pain so... Also my family is very into emotional blackmail and not very into the live and let live, respect peoples thoughts/decisions. I've tried to cut my mother out before and the steps above were the concequences.

The best way I've found to deal with her (before my health problem
and having to move back home and lean on her financially-she made it difficult for me to sign on) was to keep a distance from her emotionally and physically. I'm back living here now (my sisters live in another country, my mother lives in another one and I live here) but those emotional strings are good and tight again . And I feel like I owe her.

You're right though, talk to the therapist and keep talking. I feel so lucky to have found a thearpist with the patience to get through my defences.

Unfortunately the acepting myself as I am and showing friends thats self doesn't work. It messes up friendships 2 ways - 1) It makes me feel scared and vulnerable so I back away and 2) friends have "broken up" with me saying that they couldn't be friends with someone who constantly moans and I'm toxic.

I need to get over the past if I'm going to be able to maintain friendships. Give the pain back as jellyboy says.

Taltos

unhealthy hater wrote: »

You're right about the therapy process and the sh1tty feeling. I have lost so much of my life to this past and I don't want to lose too much more.

OK - so make a promise - today is the last day I apologise for being who I am. It is the last day I let others define me. Either they like who I am or then they are not worth knowing... (family too you know)

unhealthy hater wrote: »

Why do I stay in a toxic relationship with my mother? On one hand I have no idea. I just want to leave her. On the other she says that I need to let go of the past and get over what she did (which is true).

If you stay in a relationship with her - then you need to OWN how you feel. You give her this power... However - her get over it comment - great way to disavow any responsibility. Smacks of a user and someone with their head so far up their own ass...

unhealthy hater wrote: »

There's also the fact that I couldn't have a relationship with my sisters without having one with her. They would not forgive me for cutting her out and creating even more drama over the "dreadful" past and they love her and feel her pain. And I would be the one causing the pain so... Also my family is very into emotional blackmail and not very into the live and let live, respect peoples thoughts/decisions. I've tried to cut my mother out before and the steps above were the concequences.

Re-read that - do you maybe begin to see the whole thing is toxic - not you. Before you do anything sit your sisters down - tell them you love them but for your own sake you no longer want anything to do with their mum. If it means you lose contact with them - well what is more important here? You all PLAYING happy families or your own emotional wellbeing? Know what I would choose.

unhealthy hater wrote: »

The best way I've found to deal with her (before my health problem and having to move back home and lean on her financially-she made it difficult for me to sign on) was to keep a distance from her emotionally and physically. I'm back living here now (my sisters live in another country, my mother lives in another one and I live here) but those emotional strings are good and tight again . And I feel like I owe her.

Nope - you do not owe her. She failed as a mother when you were growing up - do you really think that you owe her anything? What can she do to make up for what she did? Either you can accept her apology and move on or not - and if her actions betray her words then why should you?

unhealthy hater wrote: »

You're right though, talk to the therapist and keep talking. I feel so lucky to have found a thearpist with the patience to get through my defences.

Keep this up - even bring a print out of your post with you - how many times have you left their office going - oh if only I remembered...

unhealthy hater wrote: »

Unfortunately the acepting myself as I am and showing friends thats self doesn't work. It messes up friendships 2 ways - 1) It makes me feel scared and vulnerable so I back away and 2) friends have "broken up" with me saying that they couldn't be friends with someone who constantly moans and I'm toxic.

This is the easy one - then the friends you have had - well they have not acted like real friends - more like acquaintances. At the same time no-one enjoys just listening to a broken record - not saying you were - but vent to your therapist and just talk nonsense to your friends or work-colleagues. Don't give up though - me for example, can count on one hand the number of friends I have - never really into going out or mixing in large groups.

We all have different faces
1 - the work one - professional, jokey, whiney when needed
2 - me - with my OH (95% of me)
3 - me with me - gawd I hate me sometimes (that last 5% is the worst)
4 - sanitised me - with my family - you know no cursing, etc

Just practice it - and find your way
And keep talking to that therapist - but pls put some serious thought into WHY you continue to feel you must remain in this toxic relationship - think about it - if you had murdered someone you would be out in less time...