Put kiddie first.....and got dumped

LegacyUser

Hi just looking for some support and advice..I am broken hearted and in bits.
I have been seeing my BF for 8months, known him for 20years....we were so good together and it just got better and better. He is the only man I have connected with since my marriage broke up a few years ago. We both have kids, I have only one still living at home.
He recently has had his joint access changed by a court in UK so he is devastasted as he will only see his kids for summers instead of 50:50 custody he was used to having.
Throughout this time I have been loving and supportive but he has become more down hearted. I allow my ex-husband to see my minor child as much as he likes but he only wants just the minimum, I had to ask him to have kid every second weekend as child needs to see his dad..and ex now does this and they have their time together.
My BF is now saying he wants to go far away overseas to work as he thinks he needs a fresh start and to make some money for his kids..he asked me to get married and go with him along with my 12year old.
I told him I would love to get married but want to live here as my child is in school here, settled and sees his dad regularly...if we move the contact would be school holidays only.
So after a lot of talking I told him my worries, but he says my kid will adjust. I am not prepared to do to my kid what BF'S ex has done i.e. limit access.
So today BF says we are finished he is leaving, he needs to work abroad and if I dont go then we are history.
I am broken hearted....I have to do what is best for the child but now the man I love is leaving. Just crying and crying, like my heart is ripped out.

SheRa

Fair play to you op for doing the right thing even though it must really hurt. His request would be bad enough if he didn't have access problems with his kids, but the fact that he knows exactly how much it would hurt your ex makes it much worse. Telling you that your kid will adjust is selfish and really lacking in empathy. I wonder on a subconscious level is he trying to hurt your ex the way he was hurt? Anyway either way, you did the best thing. Mind yourself.

ash23

It's hard but you are doing the right thing. It would be unfair to uproot your son and move him abroad away from his dad, his school, his friends etc. Especially away from his dad.

As a dad your ex should be aware this isn't on, that it's not right to take a child from either parent on what appears to be a whim.

He is now in a position to feck off abroad because he no longer has 50/50 custody of his children. But he is disregarding your needs and the needs of your son and issuing ultimatums.

I know it must be very hard for you. But do you really want to be with someone this selfish? Who wouldn't consider you and your son in his plans?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for the kind replies..it helps to know I did the right thing.
I keep thinking I am a fool because we were so good together..I miss him so much.
He has been in contact all day after I texted him to say I wished him well in his new life.
He will be visiting his kids tomorrow in UK and all day he has been asking me to go with him to meet them.....I can't believe it ..it's as if he never heard me when I said that I am staying here longterm.
Last phone call today he got upset, but he made the ultimatum yesterday and now he has the consequences.
Thanks for the support..you are the best x

wayhey

Your child is very lucky to have you.

cafecolour

Fair play to you for doing what's best for your child.

Does he even have an opportunity set up abroad? Never mind the situation with your ex, it's a bit much to uproot your child on his whim.

Keep in touch, he might hate living abroad and be back in a year.

red herring

This may sound harsh but it sounds like you're better off without him. It wasn't a fair or decent thing for him to put you in that position, making you choose. He did not really leave you with a choice. Presenting you with a ''my way or the high way'' scenario -as one poster described it- is not a supportive or productive way to make important decisions in a relationship.
Also, he does not appear to share your concern for your child, you need someone who respects your decisions to put your child first, otherwise what kind of a man will your child be raised around? It was a very brave decision to make, and in my opinion, the right choice. Well done.:)

LegacyUser

I TAKE MY HAT OFF TO YOU !!!

Very well done , he dosent deserve you , you are tooooooooooooooo good for him !!

Be Strong , Stay safe

Love

M

miec

Hi Op

First of well done on being so brave and putting your child first. I was a single parent for many years and I had to make a choice between an ex and my child, I chose my child and yes my heart ached like feck but I was glad of my choice as our children depend on us.

Your ex put you in an impossible situation and was incredibly self centered. Also the phone call the following day acting as if nothing happened was also highly disrespectful so maybe you have been lucky. The thing is you had good times with him for the eight months but sadly he has put you in a situation where you had to choice between your child and him and he was a fool to do that. Good luck with things Op and I hope over time you will feel better about your decision.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks to everyone for the advice....really helps to see other peoples' views.
Just to update you...we did meet and talk, but I stood my ground. He apologised and has backed down, but we have agreed to not rule it out as a future move when child is older.
We are both struggling money-wise, and his work is specialised area that has taken him to posts away over the years. He wants to go check out work abroad in the autumn, he has asked me if I want to adjust to him being away for months at a time...I have said I will.
We really cleared the air and are determined to make it work.
Thanks everybody xx

LegacyUser

MeltedHead wrote: »

OP here, thanks to everyone for the advice....really helps to see other peoples' views.
Just to update you...we did meet and talk, but I stood my ground. He apologised and has backed down, but we have agreed to not rule it out as a future move when child is older.
We are both struggling money-wise, and his work is specialised area that has taken him to posts away over the years. He wants to go check out work abroad in the autumn, he has asked me if I want to adjust to him being away for months at a time...I have said I will.
We really cleared the air and are determined to make it work.
Thanks everybody xx

That's great news.

It really highlights the difference between the 'my or the highway' approach and the more mature 'let's see if we can compromise'. Too often the first approach is taken, which leads to break ups that don't need to happen.

Good luck in your relationship : )