friends with benefits

LegacyUser

Straight to the point, I'm not in the position to have a relationship, wont be for a long time, naturally I miss the physcial action. I dont want one night stands with strangers.

I now have the chance to have a F. Buddy. Only problem is he is attached, I dont want to take him away from his relationship. He is there because there are children. We also have a past together.

Would you go for it? I'm female btw.

Please dont judge me. I just would like some feedback.

Nevyn

So one of your ex's who is in a unhappy relationship but has a family want to conduct an affair with you?

How do you feel about it?
Why him?
Why not someone else who doesn't have a family?

Nevyn

Please note any abuse or moral browbeating will result in bans form this forum.

LegacyUser

to be honest i dont think you should. It wouldnt be fair on his OH. I know it would be frustrating for you but try to let it go because in the end of the day there is kids involved it could get messy. You deserve better anyways

seenitall

"I dont want to take him away from his relationship."

Then don't. His relationship may be in a bad state or whatever, but that is still no excuse to become "the other woman", thereby more possibly than not throwing even more hurt or confusion into the works. Especially where children are concerned. Whatever about morality etc, you know yourself that it would not be a healthy position for you to be in, otherwise you would not be posting this.

Sex can be a tricky thing. Let's say you enter into a f-buddy arrangement, and then your loneliness gets the better of you and you end up genuinely falling for the guy. This happens a lot, as far as I can gather. Or, by any given set of circumstances, your arrangement (your friend cheating on his partner, essentially), gets discovered at some point. And then you have a world of consequences to deal with. So my advice is to find a f-buddy who is single at least. At least then there is no possibility of hurting anyone else but yourself.

Your post sounds sad, it must be a very lonely place to not be in the position to have a relationship. But you are worth so much more than being a secret lover/friend with benefits/f-buddy. Secrecy and guilt over it make life unnecessarily burdensome, and not very enjoyable. I have seen it happen with a friend of mine. No happy end there. No happy anything.

I hope you find the best solution for your problem. All the best.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

So one of your ex's who is in a unhappy relationship but has a family want to conduct an affair with you?

How do you feel about it?
Why him?
Why not someone else who doesn't have a family?

Some good points. I guess its because I know him and he is a safe bet in that I'm not in a position to be in a relationship whatsoever for reasons i cant go into on here and if he has a family hes not going to be looking for anything more than physical.

I have a family too although I'm single so cant just have an affair with anybody and have strangers in my house when I have young children. Although the children wouldnt be getting to meet him.

I wont be asking him to leave his family. He is in an unhappy relationship but doesnt want to leave because of the kids as he grew up without a father and doesnt want that for them.

Thank you for not judging. It is very difficult to find myself not in a position to have a relationship but to want some form of physical interaction.

I have had an opportunity to have the F situation with single men without the family but was afraid that they would end up wanting more

Nevyn

Why cant you have a relationship?
Why can't he be single and still be there for the kids?
It's possible that he could still be a family and be there for the kids with out a farce of a relationship with the mother of his kids.

LegacyUser

Trust me. Do NOT go there. Im only 19 and have been on the verge of suicide for allowing myself to be in the same position. Dont do it. Cut contacty if you can, ensure nothing happens unless the other person is single.

LegacyUser

Ive a lot of responsiblilty at the moment and for a long time. I cant go into details, its not work or anything like that. I dont have a minute for myself never mind the time to devote to a relationship.

And yeah I guess he could leave the relationship but then I wouldnt have any time to put into one with him. I havent really spoken to him about what he actully wants till I figure out what to do myself.

The replies so far have been exactly what ive been thinking myself. I have enough hassle without an irrate woman banging down my door coz ive been with her partner (and she would be within her rights)

btw I know what its like for your partner to cheat. Its horrible and all my anger was directed at the other woman

And yep life is very very lonely.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why cant you have a relationship?
Why can't he be single and still be there for the kids?
It's possible that he could still be a family and be there for the kids with out a farce of a relationship with the mother of his kids.

There is slight possiblity he is lying to get her into bed,Old story how he isnt happy with the wife but cant leave because of kids.When in actual fact she has no clue there is problem at all and thinks roses.



Hey Op i would be very weary of any man who stays with his wife for kids sake and wont leave the family when he says he is so miserable.
For starters if he is so devoted to his family shouldnt he be trying to make things right with his wife,not looking for someone to have sex with on sly?
I hear liar even if you do know him you never really know anyone.

LegacyUser

lilies wrote: »

There is slight possiblity he is lying to get her into bed,Old story how he isnt happy with the wife but cant leave because of kids.When in actual fact she has no clue there is problem at all and thinks roses.

Hey Op i would be very weary of any man who stays with his wife for kids sake and wont leave the family when he says he is so miserable.
For starters if he is so devoted to his family shouldnt he be trying to make things right with his wife,not looking for someone to have sex with on sly?
I hear liar even if you do know him you never really know anyone.

I don't see the relevance of any of that?

The OP just wants a pure-sexual relationship, once she is physically safe then the guys honestly of motives are none of her concern.

She wants a f-buddy, and he wants to be a f-buddy. Once the op if comfortable with the guy being married then she is free to do what she likes.

suzy q

Op, for your own self-respect, dont start sleeping with a married man. I can't see you gaining any more benefit than hassle. Unless you can honestly say you are comfortable becoming f**k buddies with a man who has a wife and children? I think it will only end up making you feel bad about yourself. You deserve better even if you don't have time for a relationship.

Not to mention if anyone found out, you would be labelled as the baddie...

LegacyUser

While I don't agree with the matter of getting with the taken man, I completely relate to the need for physical affection.

It's part of the human condition to need someone familiar to be with intimately as part of your emotional fulfillment. As someone who recently left a long relationship, I'm discovering that while I'm nowhere near ready for another serious one, I still feel the need for someone to commune with both emotionally and physically.

It's not just a case of an overactive male sex drive, it's a necessary part of life. A way to release stress and negative energy. It's just important to make sure the other party is aware of what kind of arrangement you have. And that they're single

LegacyUser

ASingleDude wrote: »

While I don't agree with the matter of getting with the taken man, I completely relate to the need for physical affection.

It's part of the human condition to need someone familiar to be with intimately as part of your emotional fulfillment. As someone who recently left a long relationship, I'm discovering that while I'm nowhere near ready for another serious one, I still feel the need for someone to commune with both emotionally and physically.

It's not just a case of an overactive male sex drive, it's a necessary part of life. A way to release stress and negative energy. It's just important to make sure the other party is aware of what kind of arrangement you have. And that they're single

I agree completely and I'm female. By all means look for this sort of arrangement. They really can be brilliant. But with a single man. You do not need to complicate your life by getting involved with the man you mention. It cannot end well.

shoes34

Hi,

You say you're not in a position to have a relationship and won't be for a long time, why? If you want a sexual relationship with a friend why can't you have the whole thing?

I'm not judging you, I have had the fb and it gets complicated when you start to develop feelings for him and if he has a family it will all get so messy.

LegacyUser

itsjustsex wrote: »

I don't see the relevance of any of that?

The OP just wants a pure-sexual relationship, once she is physically safe then the guys honestly of motives are none of her concern.

She wants a f-buddy, and he wants to be a f-buddy. Once the op if comfortable with the guy being married then she is free to do what she likes.

Well considering he is saying he is miserable and wants to have sex with her for the sake of it,Then yes it does concern her.As she is taking the chance of getting dragged into a sexual situation with someone who is married and who so called cares about his kids and doesn't want to hurt them.
So how is meeting up with some woman and having sex with her behind his wifes back not a problem.Say the kids find out? And the wife has no idea her husband isnt happy and finds out he is having an affair? Please give me a break trying to make it look morally right for someone one to become someone else's mistress? He is a cowardly liar!
Never said she wasn't free do what ever she likes did i??????
I gave her advice and sound moral and protect her own self advice.Would she like it done on her????? I doubt it!!!!
Don't try to tell me whats right and wrong.If it was me who was his wife i would go around there and knock her head off,if i found out whether marriage is suffering or not.
He is a coward and a liar he is trying to make himself look like the martyr and the victim all rolled into one,so she wont have any guilt about having sex with a man who is married.
Poor him boo hoo!

Again if he cares so much about his kids why is he not trying to fix the marriage or letting his wife go and get with someone who has some morals and respect for their marriage and actually gives a **** about her.
Because he is a selfish scumbag and wants his cake and eat it.The loyal wife at home and the bit on side all because he is either to chicken to leave or to selfish,or lying and there is nothing wrong in the marriage.

And fb what the hell is that? The world is gone to pot.

Emme

wouldyou wrote: »

Ive a lot of responsiblilty at the moment and for a long time. I cant go into details, its not work or anything like that. I dont have a minute for myself never mind the time to devote to a relationship.

And yeah I guess he could leave the relationship but then I wouldnt have any time to put into one with him. I havent really spoken to him about what he actully wants till I figure out what to do myself.

OP, you're contradicting yourself. If you have time for a sexual relationship with your attached friend you have time for a sexual relationship with an unattached man. I wouldn't have a FB relationship with your attached friend if I were you. Surely an unattached man would be more likely to be supportive and would have more time for you? Your "friend" is just suiting himself and not taking your needs into account. If you just want a FB I think a single man would be better.

G-Money

I would avoid it OP if I were you.

The fact that he's attached is the main reason. He's not available and although you might have a past history with him and although he might be unhappy with his current partner, it's still not ok to start something up with him. Who knows, him and his partner may just be going through a rough patch at the mo, who's to say they won't work it out? And even if they don't, it's up to him to end things and like someone already pointed out, he can still be involved with the children and be single.

The other reason I'd advise against it is that I'm betting at least one of you will become attached to the other person and sooner or later want more than an fb arrangement. So many of those arrangements seem to end up with one of the people wanting more and ending up disappointed and hurt when the other person doesn't feel the same way. Just check some of the threads in PI/RI for proof. It seems to be inevitable. I'm betting that in most FB arrangements, one of the people is secretly hoping something more will develop although they'd probably never admit it.

It sounds like a messy situation OP and sounds like you'd be inviting a whole heap of trouble on yourself which probably isn't what you need seeing you've admitted you don't have time for a normal relationship. I think you'd just be landing yourself in it. Best to avoid it I think.

All the best.

Anti

Go for it OP. You are both adults and know what you are getting into. But when it backfires you will only have yourself to blame when his partner finds out.

melissavm

I don't think its a good idea. Friends with benefits is one thing but friends with benefits who are in a relationship is something else entirely. Its your decision but put yourself in his partner's shoes. That kind of thing can be heartbreaking and confidence knocking, not to mention might cause a lot of unnecessary drama in your life.

T "real deal" J

alright luv. I wouldn't get involved. it'll get messy. Get a F buddy who doesn't have baggage. you know it'll get messy too. she'll find out you don't need this drama this is the exact type of thing you're trying to avoid by not getting into a relationship. I'm in a similar situation myself, but i've learned to avoid girls with boyfriends.

Stu

There are so many single guys out there who would love to meet a girl like yourself OP for a roll in the hay a couple of times per week. Why oh why do you want to get into a situation where you will become a homewrecker.

Seriously, knock it on the head. Join "Adult friend finder", put up a profile saying you are looking for casual sex and then hire a secretary to look after your e-mail account. You'll need one .

Let "Mr Cake & eat it" sort out his relationship one way or the other without you being in the middle of it.

vicecreamsundae

i agree with the majority of posters who suggest finding a buddy who's not married. i know you said you are worried they will want more, but just be very up front about wanting nothing more.
good luck!

LegacyUser

Not that it makes much difference but he is not married, still involved though.

Having time for a fb is a lot easier than being in a relationship when I have so many other things going on in my life right now. As I mentioned I have young kids so dont feel I can just meet someone off the internet and have them in my home.

I do need some form of physical affection though.

Some great replies though and i wont be meeting with him.

I also do know what its like to be in his partners position, Ive been there very very recently, its not nice and I certainly dont want some irate woman banging down my door.

All suggestions welcome

shellyboo

wouldyou wrote: »

Not that it makes much difference but he is not married, still involved though.

Having time for a fb is a lot easier than being in a relationship when I have so many other things going on in my life right now. As I mentioned I have young kids so dont feel I can just meet someone off the internet and have them in my home.

I do need some form of physical affection though.

Some great replies though and i wont be meeting with him.

I also do know what its like to be in his partners position, Ive been there very very recently, its not nice and I certainly dont want some irate woman banging down my door.

All suggestions welcome

Nobody's saying you need to meet someone off the internet - there are hundreds upon thousands of single men out there in your exact same position just looking for sex. Find one. It's not difficult. Stop trying to make excuses about why you HAVE to sleep with this man and this man only.

seenitall

Shellyboo, OP is NOT trying to make excuses why she has to sleep with this man and this man only. Quite the contrary, actually. Did you read her last post at all?

"Some great replies though and i wont be meeting with him."

She said she would not be meeting with him.

Other than that, I agree with your post.

ncmc

Good decision OP, it sounds like you are in a complex situation yourself and that you have a lot on your plate. Then you have this guy who is also in a complex situation who has a lot on his plate, I think the combination of the two would just be a total mess! A F-buddy is supposed to be straightforward and uncomplicated, if you went with this guy, you would be bringing more hassle on yourself. I can totally understand your need for physical affection. Are there any other friends or exes you would consider?

opinion guy

wouldyou wrote: »

Ive a lot of responsiblilty at the moment and for a long time. I cant go into details, its not work or anything like that. I dont have a minute for myself never mind the time to devote to a relationship.

hmm seems like maybe this is the your real personal issue no ? Is ther anything you can do to have more time for yourself ?

wouldyou wrote: »

I also do know what its like to be in his partners position, Ive been there very very recently, its not nice and I certainly dont want some irate woman banging down my door.

All suggestions welcome

Sounds like you are not over being cheated on ? Perhaps you need to deal with that first before starting something new ? Can you tell us what happened ?