Should I tell?

LegacyUser

Would you tell someone you're in love with them even though there's a very strong chance it's not reciprocated?

If I don't tell Im going to have to cut contact anyway.

I'm afraid of handing over my power, so to speak. And stroking his ego. (I know, I have issues!!!).
I'd dread the rejection but even more dread the silent pride he might get from the idea that I fell for him eventually.

We've been in a casual relationship for two years.

I'm sick about this and don't know what to do. Walk away without an explanation or own up to the truth.

Help please.!! :-(

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

What exactly do you mean by casual? A relationship without the labels? Or hooking up regularly?

If it's the first I would say tell him. You never know he may feel the same. You won't know until you try and tell him.

If it's the second option I'd be more guarded because usually in a hook up situation, certain boundaries are set like, "This is purely a no strings sex arrangement." In that case, I find people make it very clear (or at least should make it very clear) what it is they are looking for.

CR

G-Money

Not having a go at you OP, but I don't really get why people insist on having these casual relationships. They almost always nearly end in tears with one of the people getting more attached than the other. It's as if just having a normal relationship, being bf and gf has become uncool and unfashionable. So instead loads of people are trying to convince themselves they're ok with these casual setups. I don't really get it. I don't think I could do it myself to be honest.

I'm not really sure what you mean about "giving away your power". What power are you referring to?

To be honest, if I was certain that a girl wasn't going to reciprocate my feelings, I'd probably not tell her to begin with. It might be different if she was single and I wasn't sure how she felt etc. But if I was sure she wasn't interested, then I'd just try and walk away. I don't see what telling her would accomplish. I've been in situations before where I've really liked a girl but for whatever reason I know there's no chance of anything happening. So instead of telling her, I just keep my mouth shut and move on.

If you are certain this guy isn't interested, then I'd suggest you just leave things and walk away. You can always make up some waffly excuse and say you want to meet someone for a proper relationship etc. That way he won't know that you're really into him.

My 2 cents OP. Good luck.

Oryx

Is this man egotistical? Do you feel inferior to him? Regardless of the reasons, if you answer yes, then perhaps this isnt the most healthy relationship for you anyway, casual or not.

reprazant

popwn wrote: »

I'm afraid of handing over my power, so to speak. And stroking his ego. (I know, I have issues!!!).
I'd dread the rejection but even more dread the silent pride he might get from the idea that I fell for him eventually.

I find this bit very bizarre.

What sort of strange relationship to you have with this person?

Cheap Thrills!

Do yourself a favour and say sweet fcuk all. Don't humiliate yourself.

If he wanted it to be more he would have asked by now.

By saying something you will be stroking his ego and nothing more.

LegacyUser

There is two options here op.


1:Tell him and be prepared for worst,if he doesn't feel same finish it and cry and move on and find someone who is going to give you that love.I know hard to do do but if you stay with him and he doesn't feel same,you are only causing yourself pain and prolonging the inevitable and missing someone who will love you while you play games with this guy.


2: Is don't tell him and finish the causal and see how hard he tries to get you back,if he doesn't then you know again what the answer is. And you have saved yourself embarrassment and stopped him from getting an inflated ego.

But do not bury your head any longer just for sake of not been hurt.Because you are hurting your life by wasting time on someone(if he doesn't want anything more with you)and keeping your life on hold.
I totally understand how you must be feeling but you have to be strong.

TAke care Op hope all works out for you,hope i helped

Liam Byrne

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

If he wanted it to be more he would have asked by now.

????? The OP hasn't said anything up to now, so why would he have ?

LegacyUser

H Folks,
Thanks for the replies.

By casual I mean, it's predominantly about sex - though it's not wham bam thank you m'am. We often hang out for days on end. He has even wanted to come out with me and my mates but I wouldn't let him. I've been very good at keeping boundaries in place - I think they're very important for this type of relationship. He was been doing everything to tear down the boundaries.

I've been really good at pushing him away as well. About a year ago he told me he was attached to me. I laughed at him (defense mechanism and told him that he was being an eejit).

I've tried to end it several times since then. Deleted numbers etc and he always gets me back. Begs until i cave. I end it out of fear of getting hurt myself. That's why part of me thinks if I'm honest it might scare him off for good, which is a good thing in a way, if he's not into me like I am him.

Re: the power thing. yeah i'm f*cked up about this sort of thing. I've grown incapable of letting a man know I'm interested. I see these types of relationships as being about power dynamics (unlike normal, healthy relatiiionships). And if I were to admit my feelings I would feel disempowered....and giving him more power. Make sense?

I suppose I think like Cheap Thrills does and that's exactly what I'm afraid of - that it will just be stroking his ego. But I was wondering was that just my warped sense of reality...i.e. is admitting you have feelings for someone automatically a humiliating experience???? i generally think it is...but as i said, i'm warped and wanted the perspective of others on this.

As for the Fbuddy relationships not working - actually they can work if you go into them honestly and maintain the boundaries. Our problem is we didn't....not by a long shot. And after years of being together I suppose this was bound to happen.

So this post is not about whether or not casual relationships work - I'm looking for your advice on coming clean and whether I'm actually warped because I'm thinking like I do about this....i.e. power, humiliation etc.

Thanks!!

Oryx

What are you afraid of? Forget about your fear of what will happen to him, what do you think its going to do to you? Admitting to feelings makes you vulnerable, yes. Its a risk you have to take. Otherwise you stay in this defensive position where you constantly have to push away your own feelings and the love that others feel for you. Why do that? What do you benefit from doing it? What is the worst that could happen? You could get hurt, but tell me your not tied in knots and hurting now.

This sounds to me like its not just about saying I love you to a man you do love. Its about your whole character and your systems for dealing with the world. It seems to be all about hiding how you really feel and not appearing weak. Except weakness is not the worst character trait, fear is.

Forget about your power struggle with this man. Let that go. Tell him your honest thoughts, fearlessly. Its the only way to live life fully. If there are consequences, youll take them.

wolfric

First off i apologize if this rubs you up the wrong way but it seems like you're the one with the power issue at the moment and it's not that you need to be suppressing his ego but letting go of your own. I may be wrong but if he wants to hang out with you all the time and meet your friends do you not think he may want more as well?

If you have feelings for him it isn't that easy go to "not feelings" from there. Prioritize and look at your options. What do you want? Do you want a relationship from him? If you don't do you want to continue with your fbuddy relationship (and assuming from the first post you don't).

I'm going to assume that your only option here is to break up or tell him. If you never see him again if you break up then you have nothing to loose. You already have him sectioned off from the rest of your friends and so on so i can't see you having to see him again...

So the only option left is to tell him. You're missing one final part and that is how you let him know. You don't have to give away the keys and drop your pride and tell him you love him straight off. I find while it's very romantic in a movie it does (and you're right) completely off balance a relationship power struggle. You want to have respect on both sides.

Instead of "telling him your true feelings" why not ask if he wants to take things further or invite him out for something that can be seen as predominantly romantic (and low on the sexual side). While i tend to go about things a little dramatically if i had to plan the night out i'd go for the romantic event and end it with something like placing his hand on your heart and saying "i want you to be in here as well.. something to think about" and end the night at that and then perhaps spend a little bit of time away from him. Come back to him after a few days and see what happens.
I'd be wary of plonking it on him at once and putting him on the spot. You may know yourself if someone just dumps something on you, the general speed of everything tends to kill it before it has a chance to grow.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the people who replied. You gave me a lot to think about - particularly in relation to myself.

Things have progressed a little bit. We've danced around the issue but been spending loads of time together and really bonding. I almost told him but stopped.

I'm still too scared to tell him how I feel - i.e. that I want more. I know I have to do it but I want to make sure I'm not completely off the mark here before I do it (i.e. for him to go how in the name of god did you ever get the impression that I'd want to progress things).

Can you folks let me know of any warning signs - that he either a) might be thinking the same as me or b) is thinking the exact opposite of me.

I've no clue what I should be looking out for here. I assume there are little things that could at least give me some direction.

I'm utterly confused. He told me that he wants us to do things together outside of the bedroom, non sexual stuff. But then he also said he considers me a friend. Also said he would be jealous if I got with someone else.

I don't know. I just can't make a fool of myself. I have to take action either way.

#Any pointers would be GREATLY appreciated.

rathbaner

The difficulty you're experiencing is because you have no power in the relationshp.

If you tell him you want more then you are just confirming you have no power. He would then have to give you some power by offering that "more". But he won't.

The only way to get power in a relationship is to take it, and that forces the other person to respond.

Tell him you want more, so you're leaving him. If he wants you he will fight to get you back - but on your terms. If not then you are savings yourself two years of otherwise wasted time.

LegacyUser

rathbaner wrote: »

The difficulty you're experiencing is because you have no power in the relationshp.

If you tell him you want more then you are just confirming you have no power. He would then have to give you some power by offering that "more". But he won't.

The only way to get power in a relationship is to take it, and that forces the other person to respond.

Tell him you want more, so you're leaving him. If he wants you he will fight to get you back - but on your terms. If not then you are savings yourself two years of otherwise wasted time.

I can't stress how much I agree with this. OP be strong and make it known that if he isnt up for it youll be moving on. Thats the only chance you have. Not being harsh, its how it works and youll have to have cajones

Millie

Geez you've been "hanging out" for two years and you're afraid to say anything to him.
Think it's time to get a voice and tell him how you feel or risk wasting another two or more years feeling powerless.

Tell him and at least you know where you stand and you can then live your life as you should......

LegacyUser

Millie wrote: »

Geez you've been "hanging out" for two years and you're afraid to say anything to him.
Think it's time to get a voice and tell him how you feel or risk wasting another two or more years feeling powerless.

Tell him and at least you know where you stand and you can then live your life as you should......

thanks to the two previous posters before millie. i agree - that's how i would look at things - only i would take it a step further and think i should end it without even admitting that i have feelings. one of my mates told me i'm being juvenille. that adults don't play games. i find that hard to believe. so, i think i'll take your advice and say it the way you've suggested.

millie, i sense a judgemental tone in your voice. yes, if this was a 'normal' relationship of course i would feel comfortable saying what i feel. but it's not. and i am also a bit of a control freak who does not like to admit vulnerability to anyone. this compounds things. but you are right - at least if i say what i plan to say i can then move on.

thanks. will let you know how it goes.