Dated a compulsive liar - now threatening to ruin my life

shoelady

I am embarrassed even typing this because I feel so stupid for having fallen for the man I fell for. We met a few months ago, had a whirlwind romance and I fell head over heels for him. I had been alone for a long time and I believed I had finally found a good, loving man. He was due to leave the country though and, though he told me he considered staying so we could make a life together, he left. We kept in touch and were planning for me to visit him in a few months time.

I found out shortly afterwards everything he told me was lies. Almost without exception everything he told me was untrue - he is engaged to someone else, was only gone home for a few months, not permanently and had been chatting online (and I think seeing) at least five other women as well as the two of us. All hell broke loose and families became involved (I'd be here all night if I told you it all!) and he told the fiancee I am crazy (I have suffered from depression but I am definitely not crazy!) and it was all my fault and she chose to believe him. They are still together and welcome to each other.

I was in shock when I found out about it and so hurt but within 24 hours I knew I could never be and would never want to be with a man who cheats and lies as he does. But herein lies the problem, he liked me to send intimate, explicit emails while we were apart. I trusted him implicitly and was in love and happily did it (and admit I enjoyed it.) Stupid I know; hindsight is wonderful. Now though they are threatening to send them to my job, post them on Facebook (I have blocked them and their families but they know friends names etc.) and generally ruin my life in various ways. The vile abuse they sent me when this all kicked off was unbelievable. Knowing I suffered from depression they suggested I kill myself and he said he could kill me so I am scared of him. They are due to return to Ireland soon I think and I am sick with worry about what they might do. Part of me still thought the good man I thought I was with must exist somehow so I mailed him and calmly said I just wanted to move on, forget we ever met and just get some reassurance I would never get any hassle if they return to Ireland. I got a load of abuse back saying I am pathetic and they can ruin my life.

I have spoken to the gardai but until they actually carry out threats they cannot do anything and by then it will be too late. My boss and family are very religious so they would be horrified. Also, I work with kids and my reputation would be damaged. Sorry for the long message but I feel so scared that my life will be ruined. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I feel no love for this man, want to forget we ever met but I can't while I have these threats hanging over me. I hate him for what he has done to me but just want to move on to find real, genuine love with a good man. I can't do that while I am scared of what they might do to my life. Does anyone have any advice??

ergo

this is a terrible situation to be in OP

only have time for a quick reply but do you have any texts or e-mails from him - could you use them as some sort of bargaining tool to make sure they won't go and carry out their threatened action...?

I know two wrongs etc etc and some people may slate me for suggesting this but that's my initial thought

JonathanAnon

Most emails are sent in clear text, not encrypted (depending on your email provider) so sending personal stuff over email is always a very silly thing to do. It is actually possible to fake emails fairly easily, so you could just say... "I didnt send that, he's vindictive and has fabricated this to make me look bad"... You could use his own emailt threats to substantiate this point. Was the e-mail account a company account or was it hotmail/gmail etc???

Alternatively you could just tell him that you will reciprocate everything that he does, regarding sending embarrassing emails to family/work etc. But this would escalate the situation without a doubt.

It may be better getting rid of your Facebook account for the moment, until all of this has blown over. I think it's possible to take your Facebook account offline without deleting it altogether.

May also be a good idea to pre-emept things with your boss and family in case he does actually approach them. Your personal safety is prominent and the guards are useless in these situations. I guess you need to work out your response based on exactly how much of a threat he poses to you.

Victor

You might consider talking to a solicitor.

LegacyUser

I would imagine the chances of him doing anything are very slim and that it is all talk on his part.

If he starts carrying out the threats, he probably knows that it will end up with the Gardai.

I know it's easy for people to say "don't worry about it" but if you think about it logically, once you stay out of their/his hair, then there's no reason for them to do anything to you.

I ended up getting caught in a sexting scam type thing a while back - got a random text, bot flirty, pics were sent to me, I sent some pics back.... let's say, it was fun when it happened and not so much fun when I realised I'd been duped. So, I worried about it seriously for a few days and then figured, well, if those pics or texts appear, I'll worry about it then. In the meantime, I will forget about it.

Do you have records of stuff they sent to you?

And as another poster said, you could pre empt the situation (although they probably won't proceed with their threats) and let your family and work know that you were going out with a lying cheat who is threatening to screw with your life.

Barracudaincork

shoelady wrote: »

My boss and family are very religious so they would be horrified.

I assume you mean horrified you sent these pics and texts? Chances are if they are as religious as you say they will be more horrified by the unchristen acts this man is doing to you with full malice, than horrified over you sending some pics of your bits (that even your smear tests nurse and the likes have seen) to a man you were in love with! Also truly religious people dont judge (the whole cast the first stone sinning thing). Tell them and get support from them, dont try and go through this alone.

shoelady wrote: »

I am scared of what they might do to my life. Does anyone have any advice??

Being scared of what he might do wont impact whatsoever on him doing it or not, being scared or worried wont change anything. Its hard but you really need to start focusing on you again and try and forget about this, and as one poster said, deal with it IF it comes up.

Also IMO i think he is bluffing, as you said yourself the garda said they cant do anything about these threats, only if he does something, he will know this (maybe as he has done it before!) so he wont risk getting into trouble with them, so will only take it as far as he can without breaking the law.

cafecolour

I'd just ignore him. Don't contact him (or threaten him) - that'll likely just escalate (which may be what he wants).

I don't think he'll do anything. He's messing with your head, but doing anything leaves a paper trail that'll make his lies harder. The only unknown is the fiance, if she's as crazy as him and egging him on.

I second the suggestion of pre-empting it as well. You don't have to give the details (ie that he's threatening to release emails or such) - essentially say you had a bad break-up with someone whose crazy and a compulsive liar, and now threatening to hurt you. You could, for instance, tell people at your work this, and that if they see him, not to let you known and not give him entry.

Not that he'll actually show up at your work mind you, just that it paints him as a crazy madman and then anything he does will further make him seem crazy rather than reflect on you.

Emme

I would be worried that he and his partner would try to extort money from the OP. Whatever they say or threaten to do, do NOT engage with them or give them any money. If they call you try to record their phone calls in case you need the evidence later. If they ask you for money go straight to the Gardai. If you didn't suffer from depression they would use something else to get to you. A nasty pair, they deserve each other.

ggirl

thanks so much for all the advice / opinions. It helps just to feel less alone and not judged for it. I feel calmer already.

moco

I'd tell him you've told the guards and they will act if he does anything then just completely ignore him from now on. I'd say he's feeding off your fear and enjoying how much this is affecting you. I think he'll stop when he's getting no reaction. I've had a mental ex stressing me out in a similar way and I just totally ignored him and he eventually stopped.

I think it's good advice to tell friends and family what he's doing and how crazy he is so to get in there first if he does do anything.

tbh

ggirl wrote: »

thanks so much for all the advice / opinions. It helps just to feel less alone and not judged for it. I feel calmer already.

deffo don't feel judged - you did nothing wrong! the guy is an asshole, simple as. don't let it harden you against people. he wins if that happens.

Nevyn

Compluslive liars are hard to combat, they do usually how ever trip themselves up eventually and some of the truth comes out but it's hard going when they set about turning people against you. All you can do it be who you are and people that know you will question the crap they are hearing about you.

pookie82

I'm appalled. What a complete pr*ck! Not only does he lie and cheat but now he has persuaded his long suffering, idiot partner to join him in making your life hell after the truth has come to light?

These people sound like they have a screw loose. It's quite likely they'll do nothing at all and, like other posters said, are just trying to freak you out for their own pathetic entertainment.

Do they contact you much? Keep ALL accounts of texts, emails, calls, FB messages etc so that you can reproduce his threats at any time. I would contact a solicitor - there has to be something involving harrassment offences in there. If you could only get a legal professional to write them a stern letter that might put a stop to it.

Either way I would inform him next time he threatens you that you have informed the Gardai and that if they put a foot out of line you'll bring the full weight of the law down upon them.

How Strange

OP, it seems from your post that this man has a lot of power over you. He knows your weak points and he is using them to his advantage. He knows you were single for a long time, you've been depressed also you've begged him to stop harrassing you and not to tell your friends, colleagues and employer about your sexual life. How did this situation turn from him being the wrongdoer to him having complete power over you?

I think you need to stand up to him and show him your not afraid. You have to take control of the situation and the only way you can do that is to confront him.

First off, consult a solicitor and see if there is anything legally to restrain him. I presume you have some of these threats on email or in writing of some sort. Show them to your solicitor. Then ask your solicitor to write him a letter and make sure he knows the gardai have been informed.

Honestly what type of sick creep would prey on a woman, lure her into a sexual and emotional relationship and then try to black mail her. It beggars belief.

Having said that he's most likely just a bully enjoying the power he has over you so you can stop this vicious cycle by saying 'I've had enough'. I've come across a few bullies in my time and usually standing up to them, as terrifying as that thought is, does work.

mood

Victor wrote: »

You might consider talking to a solicitor.

+1

dolliemix

OP you should not feel stupid or bad about anything you did. As far as you were concerned you were in a loving and honest relationship so there was nothing wrong with sending texts/ pictures etc.

Even religious people understand that I'm sure

I would cut all contact with these people. Delete facebook account, even your phone number. It might seem like a big step to take but you need to get the message out to these bullies that you will not tolerate their behaviour.

Your employers will understand and they will be on your side. Just because you work with children it doesn't mean you have to act like Mother Theresa at all times

You would expect that when you're in a trusting adult relationship you should can express yourself as adults do. Your ex is a bad man! You have done nothing wrong.