Friend Dilemma

Fonze07

Hi all,

I was best friends with this girl i worked with. We were so close. Eventually she left to go to a new job, but we still kept in contact either by meeting up or talking on the phone to each other every day.

Anyway, i am madly in love with her but she recently got married. Obviously i got invited to the wedding but i told her i couldn't go. She knows how i feel about her. Probably doesn't know actually how depressed i get about it. I was told by friends just to stop the contact with her in order to move on. I did this in January and we have not had any contact since then.

It is her birthday next week and was just wondering if people think i should send her a card or whatever. It feels wrong not doing so after been friends for such a long time. The problem is, it was my birthday last week but i didn't get so much as a happy birthday from her even on facebook. Now it was my decision to stop contact so she probably didn't say happy birthday as she thought it was best to leave it the way it is and not hurt me anymore but i think i should be the bigger person and send her something for her birthday. What do you guys think?

Is it wrong of me to hope that i hope she feels really guilty if i do send her something. I know i stopped contact with her but doesn't mean i stopped caring for her and just think it is the right thing to do to buy her something.

suzy q

I don't think you send her something for her birthday and I think you know this yourself too. I don't know what you expect will come of it... you said you hope she will feel guilty. And I'm sure she will, but unfortunately... the harsh reality is that she is married now.

Having no contact is the best thing you can do to get over this. I know it is so difficult but try to focus on other things and let her go.

Fonze07

I know she is married and I have accepted a long time ago that I know nothing will ever happen. I am just saying I think it is the right thing to do to send her something. I am never going to stop caring for her so think I should

suzy q

I am not sure that sending her a gift in the hope she will feel "really guilty" is going to show her you care?

I really think the best thing to do for both you and her is to leave it. She has shown you she cares by not making contact on your birthday (this must have been difficult given the strong friendship you had) to help you get over this and move on.

jenny jinks

I don't agree with Suzy. You should send her a card. If you genuinely loved her you would be happy for her if she has found a good husband. It is childish tio ignore her and forget her. She will not feel guilty. She will feel happy that she still has a friend. You should not worry too much about her getting married. My brother felt awful when a girl he had plans for suddenly dropped off the scene and got married. He heard a few years later from a friend of the husbands that she had turned into a harridan.

iguana

If you made a decision to cut contact with her to help you get over your feeliongs for her, then you should not send her a card unless your feelings have changed. It really doesn't sound like they have so you need to stick to your original decision.

Your comment about making her feel guilty is seriously passive aggressive, I suspect that you are in the anger stage of dealing with your loss. It's normal and it means you are processing but it would be an absolutely terrible idea to make contact while you are feeling like this.

Dark Phoenix

What iguana said. It sounds like you were hoping despite you cutting contact that she would contact you on your birthday. It also sounds now that her birthday is an excuse for you to contact her. If you still have inappropriate feelings for her i.e. if you are still madly in love with her despite her being married and not reciprocating your feelings then leave her alone. You claim you love her then love her enough to leave her alone to be happy with her husband and concentrate on finding some happiness yourself that does not involve being with her

tbh

Fonze07 wrote: »

Is it wrong of me to hope that i hope she feels really guilty if i do send her something. I know i stopped contact with her but doesn't mean i stopped caring for her and just think it is the right thing to do to buy her something.

it's wrong in the sense that the only person likely to get screwed by this is you. Admit it, there's a part of you that hopes if you send her flowers she'll start to reflect on how much you mean to her etc etc and come running. It's not going to happen man. In fact, if she recently got married, she probably won't even realise you didn't send her anything. Thinking of her, caring for her, buying her stuff - it's like picking at a scab. I know that right now the thoughts of her are probably driving you mad, but you have to cut yourself off - same as quitting anything else. Stay strong and it'll get easier. Give in, and it'll take longer - either way, the result will be the same - you won't get her.

totally your choice.

skooterblue

Oh God what a situation.
Why oh why are you putting yourself through this. Move on, cut all ties. find something else to amuse your self with. She is off the market and possibly will be for a long time otherwise she would be with you.

take advantage of the fact she doesnt work with you and put some distance between ye. Who do you think is hurt more you or her? get on with your life. Out of sight out of mind. Delete her number block her on face book you are coming across as something stalker ish or leaning that way.

anomalous

it sounds like you would just be wishing her happy birthday for your own ends not to actually mean "happy birthday" so just leave well enough alone - she respected your wishes by not contacting you and giving you the space you obviously need to get over her so take advantage of it

you made the decision to cut contact - it was a good decision - now you are trying to find ways around that

try to find your way back to the frame of mind you were in when you cut contact with her

Fonze07

I understand what a lot of you are saying but i am surprised all the replies i got are so one sided. I had been best friends with this girl for around 4 years and just feel that it is the right thing to do to send her something for her birthday rather than just ignoring it.

Taltos

Fonze07 wrote: »

I understand what a lot of you are saying but i am surprised all the replies i got are so one sided. I had been best friends with this girl for around 4 years and just feel that it is the right thing to do to send her something for her birthday rather than just ignoring it.

OP - it is quite clear from this thread and the others that you are totally fixated on this married woman.
Until you get to the point where you truly feel nothing you need to leave well enough alone. As others have pointed out - and as you keep ignoring - the only thing that is going to happen is you are going to get hurt.

Now maybe this is what you want - but think about it - firstly she will pity you (PITY...) - and then she might start to think really nasty things about you. So not only will you be hurt - but you will have ruined any nice memories she has of you.

It is up to you though.
If you want to play the part of the ill fated love struck puppy please go right ahead - but she has made her choice, shame some people cannot accept that so that they could move on with their lives.

username123

Fonze07 wrote: »

I understand what a lot of you are saying but i am surprised all the replies i got are so one sided. I had been best friends with this girl for around 4 years and just feel that it is the right thing to do to send her something for her birthday rather than just ignoring it.

But you want to send it so she will feel guilty - not because its the right thing to do.

Look - I know its harsh, but move on, forget her, 4 years is not a very long friendship - the friendship itself is questionable because you were having feelings other than friendship for her. She is married now, leave her alone, move on with your life, find someone new.

Fonze07

TALTOS- How is me sending her a card going to make her think really nasty things about me?

tbh

Fonze07 wrote: »

TALTOS- How is me sending her a card going to make her think really nasty things about me?

she knows you like her. She probably likes you as a friend. She may feel a bit guilty about not liking you back. You send her a card, and she's going to resent you for making her feel more guilty.

Now, maybe the above will happen, or maybe she'll get the card and think "ah, that's sweet". But if I were you, I wouldn't risk it, because there's a big potential downside, and no upside at all. What if she does think " that's sweet" - what good is that to you? At best, you'll never know what she thought, because you're not in contact any more. At worst, she'll send you a text to say thanks, and you'll let yourself think that there's still a chance for you. And, be honest, that's what this is really about, right? There's nothing wrong with you for that man, but it's only going to screw you in the long term. No hope is better than false hope - take it from me.

Taltos

Fonze07 wrote: »

TALTOS- How is me sending her a card going to make her think really nasty things about me?

Its one step down a treacherous path.
One card alone will not - but she is already respecting your wishes to break contact, now out of the blue you send her a card - mixed messages much.
As per the previous poster - this seems more about making her feel guilty - you having some control in her life.

My prev rec stands - until you have fully moved on let her get on with her life with her husband and her friends. While you harbour these feelings you cannot count yourself in that group.

I know this is not what you want to hear, you seem intent on not wanting to hear this - but ask yourself - what have I got to gain by telling you to leave her alone?
What have you got to gain by not?

AnnyHallsal

Fonze07 wrote: »

Hi all,
Is it wrong of me to hope that i hope she feels really guilty if i do send her something.

Simply, yes, and I think that, rather than being one-sided, that's what posters are responding to. Sorry, but I don't see another side. Her marriage is more important than your friendship and the above suggests that you have ulterior motives of one sort or another. In wanting her to feel guilty, you want to manipulate her emotions. That's not friendly and as long as you harbour such thoughts you won't be able to be a true friend. I imagine she didn't wish you a happy birthday because she's giving you space to get over it and doesn't want to confuse you.

Fonze07

I know she is off the market as one poster put it and i am not holding out hope something will ever happen as i have come to know that it won't. I just think it would be a nice thing to do and am not doing it for my "own personal gain" as people think.

seenitall

OP, you have a serious issue with your boundaries and you are completely deluded about your own motivations here. Repeating over and over again that you have accepted that she has moved on will not make it true. You are not over her, as much as you would like us to believe you are. Your hope that she will feel guilty when she sees your card/pressie proves you are not over her, or that you have accepted that she has moved on. TRUE FRIENDS DON'T FEEL ANY NEED TO GUILT THEIR FRIENDS INTO FEELING ANYTHING. Every other person, bar one, who has been replying to your post on here, has been trying to tell you this, but you are in such denial about your feelings that there is no way you are going to accept what we are trying to communicate to you. But nor will you get from us the validation you are after (that you would be doing the right thing by sending her something), so you might as well give up.

I will admit your post triggered me a bit, as I am at the moment on the receiving end of some unwanted attention from an ex (I know it's not the same as "friend", nominally, but there are interesting similarities). I have been getting regular gifts, cards and texts off this person, who is in his motivations like a more full-on, more obsessive version of you, really. He just will NOT go away. I always try to stay friends or friendly with all my exes, where possible, it is the way I am usually, but with this person that proved impossible because he does not seem to be able to understand some phrases in the English language, namely "Please don't send me any more gifts or cards, it is inappropriate and I don't like it" and similar. He just keeps saying "I just want us to be friends". I told him that friends respect each other's feelings and that he is completely disrespecting mine and therefore we cannot be friends. It is now at a point where I have lost all respect for this person, and my first two feelings when it comes to him are annoyance and pity. People do not like to be made feel like they are being guilted into feeling something for the other person. You can't guilt anyone into feeling anything at all. But I do get the impression that trying to convey this to you is like trying to convey it to my ex - a waste of breath. He just does not want to know. So then I have no choice but to let him get on with it. There is no contact from me to him, as that would just encourage him further. I can just hope that he will in time find another victim to focus his stalkerish behaviour on, who knows, maybe even someone who would welcome such behaviour, stranger things have happened...

Anyway, the best of luck with your delusions and passive-agressive programming, if you are very very lucky you may even get some kind of acknowledgment out of her, and then you will be able to keep it all rolling for a long time to come! :rolleyes:

mrsdewinter

Erm, won't be as forthright as seenitall but she does bring a useful perspective to the situation. OP, you have a chance here to move on with your life. If you send her a card, the best possible outcome is that she'll text back, saying, 'thanks - how r u?' in a half-hearted show of interest, hopefully out of politeness (prob pity tho). You'll have fed your habit for another few days but in a couple of weeks you'll be looking for another excuse to get in touch again because that text (plus possibly 1 or 2 more half-interested replies) will have done nothing more than feed your addiction. That's the best possible outcome of that course of action. Say you do get back in contact, where do you see things going? Heading round to her marital home every weekend for beers with herself and her husband? Really? Is that what you really want?

AnnyHallsal

Fonze07 wrote: »

I just think it would be a nice thing to do

It wouldn't. Whether you like it or not, your original post reveals that you have less than innocent intentions - ie you want to emotionally blackmail her, make her feel guilty for forgetting your birthday. The nice thing to do would be to forget all about it, and to forget her, for the foreseeable future. She doesn't need a present from you, and certainly wouldn't want one, if she knew you were bitter that "she hadn't even facebooked you" about your birthday.

Fonze07

Fine, I get all your points. I won't send anything

anomalous

that is the right decision even though you dont want to believe it at the moment