Ex is in trouble

LegacyUser

Hi. Well I went out with a girl for a couple of years. We broke up about 3 months ago now. It was very amicable but we decided not to keep in touch because it's easier that way. Anyway I heard that she's been acting out slightly since we broke up drinking very regularly (boardering on alcoholism) and sleeping around. Now I know this is none of my business but also knowing her I know that this is hurting her.

Something major happened in her life when she was younger and anytime something major happens to this day she acts out, but again its rooted back to this. Anyway my question is should I try to help her? Really what she does now is none of my business, but I don't want to see her hurting herself. She text me a few weeks ago to see how I was. When I asked her how was she she just said she was ok, things could be worse but could be better. What do I do?

SarahSassy

Was that the only contact you have had since the split? Its a hard one cos she seems to be spinning out of control and you dont want to give her false hope.

LegacyUser

Hi Sarah. Thanks for the response. That was the only recent contact we had. Thing was we also worked together for a while during and after the break up so we did have some contact then too but more often than not tried to keep to seperate groups. It was always friendly when we did talk. Now she broke up with me so maybe that helps. I don't want to get back together with her it wouldn't be right for either of us and I'm sure that she sees that too. I don't want to see her self destruct though and I know that's what's happening. Her friends seem to be leaving her to it so maybe I should too, but I feel I can't in all good conscience do that. I'm not even sure how I'd brouch the subject with her if I did either. I mean, I can't exactly turn around and say I hear things aren't going well. She'd also probably just say she's fine when she's really not.

SarahSassy

Well if she says she is find then that is that. I know I would ask. Tell her what you have heard and ask if she is ok. Good deed done then and it's up to her to respond or not.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. It's definitely kinda hard to gauge. I know that she's unlikely to ask for help it's just not her way. I guess you're right though all I can do is offer to help.

opinion guy

The right thing wrote: »

Hi Sarah. Thanks for the response. That was the only recent contact we had. Thing was we also worked together for a while during and after the break up so we did have some contact then too but more often than not tried to keep to seperate groups. It was always friendly when we did talk. Now she broke up with me so maybe that helps. I don't want to get back together with her it wouldn't be right for either of us and I'm sure that she sees that too. I don't want to see her self destruct though and I know that's what's happening. Her friends seem to be leaving her to it so maybe I should too, but I feel I can't in all good conscience do that. I'm not even sure how I'd brouch the subject with her if I did either. I mean, I can't exactly turn around and say I hear things aren't going well. She'd also probably just say she's fine when she's really not.

She broke up with you ? Absolutely not do not get involved. For one thing it will suck you back in. For another - how do you know that this is all self-destructive. How do you know that this isn't just what she wants ? Sounds to me a bit like you are seeing things in a way where you are the one to help her ? Are you sure that on some level you don't want her back in your life. Granted I could be wrong, but its just my impression reading your posts

LegacyUser

Hi Opinion Guy. I appreciate the feedback. I can see how it may seem like that but I genuinely don't. I have well and truly moved on. I guess it's more a guilt thing on my part. I kinda feel that in some ways that I may be partly responsible. If there was anybody else to help her then great but there isn't. In terms of the drinking it can only be self destructive because who wants to become an alcoholic? I know she's doing it to help forget about her problems. Perhaps the sleeping aroung part may be personal choice though, but it just seems completely out of character.

opinion guy

The right thing wrote: »

Hi Opinion Guy. I appreciate the feedback. I can see how it may seem like that but I genuinely don't. I have well and truly moved on. I guess it's more a guilt thing on my part. I kinda feel that in some ways that I may be partly responsible. If there was anybody else to help her then great but there isn't. In terms of the drinking it can only be self destructive because who wants to become an alcoholic? I know she's doing it to help forget about her problems. Perhaps the sleeping aroung part may be personal choice though, but it just seems completely out of character.

But why do you feel guilty ? She broke up with you no ? What is there to feel guilty about ? Wanting to help someone is one thing, feeling responsible for their self-destructiveness is another. Why are you feeling this way ? Did you do something to make her this way ?

LegacyUser

Hi opinion guy. I guess you're right, yeah she broke up with me. During our relationship there were times when I may have done things to make her this way. Being that it's over now though I guess I shouldn't really feel guilty but I can't help but want to see her doing well for herself. I don't want us to get together at all but I do want her to be happy. After you spend a few years with somebody it's hard to see them doing badly.

greensleep

Gosh you really are the right thing. Really nice to hear someone so caring. You are a credit to yourself. Good on you.:D

Lux23

If she broke up with you why do you think her acting out has anything to do with you? Fair enough its nice that you care but I think you are likely to have all that care thrown back in your face if you tried to help her. Leave her to it.

LegacyUser

Hi again. I would like to thank everybody for the feedback and give you a little bit of an update. She texted me out of the blue again just asking me how I was and she openly told me about one of her problems (not the drinking or the sleeping around). I don't really want to go into specifics for fear of identity being found out. Anyway she said that overall she was ok. I have to wonder though, being that we're broken up if she really is ok then why the random texts out of the blue telling me about how she's unhappy about something. I haven't tried to contact her to see how she was. Maybe I should check in with her? I don't want her thinking that I want her back or anything though.

opinion guy

Well i think answer her text anyhow, not answering would just be rude.

LegacyUser

Hi Opinion guy, sorry I should have said, I did answer her text. I wished her well, offered her advice on her problem and just asked how she was getting on with certain things. I have to say, I really laughed when I read your post sunflower. You put a smile on my face :-) I definitely haven't nor will I be getting into specifics on what I know. I guess all I can do is be there for her if she askes for help.

LegacyUser

hi, I appreciate your kind heart and your cautious attitude.

yes, be careful if you want nothing more than a friend and your care will lead her on, although she dumped you in the first place.

maybe you can send her a text once two weeks something? not very frequent but still show your care?

LegacyUser

maybe you can wrote: »

maybe you can send her a text once two weeks something? not very frequent but still show your care?

Hi. I definitely am thinking about this. I want to be there for her especially if she does need my help. As you say though I really don't want to lead her on so I think I just need to be cautious.

Miss Fluff

You sound like a really decent guy. Keep the lines of communication open with her as you are doing, respond to her texts and maybe check in with her in a week's time stating clearly that as her FRIEND you were concerned about the nature of her last text and that is she needs to talk she knows where to find you? It's offering a shoulder without getting too involved.