I haven't slept a wink and really questioning my actions

LegacyUser

Huge row last night with other half as I cant stand his name calling when we have an argument. and its not just me, he speaks to his mum and his disabled sister in the same tone. He seems to get so angry that he doesnt realise what he is saying and thats where the hurt comes in. Hes 31 and 95% of the time we get on brilliantly but last night the name calling started again and he told me he pitied me and thats why he was with me. To cut a long story short, I asked him why he was with me then and he said he would leave so i said ( trying to call his bluff) ' go ahead and leave if thats what you really want to do but I love you and dont want you to go. So he left and ran back to his mums house at 3.30am. I just got so fed up of things we was saying to me in his rage that i reached the end of my tether.

Now I feel guilty for telling him to go and this seems to be his focus point today NOT the fact that he said a lot of horrible and hurtful things to me....... Hes angry and god knows what he said to his Mum cause im sure he fabricated something, Im sure he was so angry that he couldnt have left it at 'we just had a row'.......

Taltos

sotired wrote: »

Now I feel guilty for telling him to go

Erhm - you didn't tell him to go. He did - all you did was agree really. Great way of manipulating the situation though to make you feel bad.
Pity his mum took him back in - if only she was strong enough to tell him to sling his hook.

sotired wrote: »

NOT the fact that he said a lot of horrible and hurtful things to me.......

Really now - this is what you both need to work on - or at least he needs to recognise what he said and work on this or stop it immediately. His family might have to take his tantrums - they probably trained him to be like this. But there is no way in hell you have to live with someone who is still stuck in the terrible twos...

sotired wrote: »

god knows what he said to his Mum cause im sure he fabricated something, Im sure he was so angry that he couldnt have left it at 'we just had a row'.......

Who cares? Seriously. Time to call a spade a spade. If they raise anything with you be honest. "Yes - X acted like a child and was disrespectful to me. Instead of discussing our disagreement like adults he had a tantrum and ran home to you. To be honest I am exhausted with his carrying on and cannot see a future being with someone who refuses to grow up..."

sotired wrote: »

Huge row last night with other half as I cant stand his name calling when we have an argument. and its not just me, he speaks to his mum and his disabled sister in the same tone. He seems to get so angry that he doesnt realise what he is saying and thats where the hurt comes in. Hes 31 and 95% of the time we get on brilliantly but last night the name calling started again and he told me he pitied me and thats why he was with me. To cut a long story short, I asked him why he was with me then and he said he would leave so i said ( trying to call his bluff) ' go ahead and leave if thats what you really want to do but I love you and dont want you to go. So he left and ran back to his mums house at 3.30am. I just got so fed up of things we was saying to me in his rage that i reached the end of my tether.

Please re-read this a few times and imagine what you would tell your best friend to do if she described a disfunctional relationship like this. Either get you both to counselling and make sure it never happens again or cut your losses and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. If he is unwilling to get help - well then you know your answer and only you can decide how many more years you can take this abuse...

dellas1979

You called his bluff - and fair play to you, but now is the time to back it up.

What people dont realise sometimes is that if you call someones bluff, in order to teach the lesson you have to follow through.

If you apologise, you have underminded and underestimated yourself - and in doing so you have put yourself in a weak position.

Stand your ground. You let him know if he wants to talk you are there, but do not apologise for his behaviour, his name calling and him leaving. He did all those things himself my dear.

reprazant

sotired wrote: »

he told me he pitied me and thats why he was with me. To cut a long story short, I asked him why he was with me then and he said he would leave so i said ( trying to call his bluff) ' go ahead and leave if thats what you really want to do but I love you and dont want you to go. So he left and ran back to his mums house at 3.30am.

So he said he was only with you because he pitied you and you want him to stay?

Why?

Barracudaincork

sotired wrote: »

So he left and ran back to his mums house at 3.30am.

What adult runs home in the middle of the night like that to his Mum's house? The actions of some people baffle me!

sotired wrote: »

Now I feel guilty for telling him to go and this seems to be his focus point today NOT the fact that he said a lot of horrible and hurtful things to me....... Hes angry and god knows what he said to his Mum cause im sure he fabricated something, Im sure he was so angry that he couldnt have left it at 'we just had a row'.......

Well of course its the focus point today, he isnt going to admit he is wrong so why would he focus on that? You know the truth, he is just trying to make himself look like the poor victim here, dont fall for it!

His Mum gave birth to him, she knows him better than anyone and she wont believe his lies, she may agree to keep the peace but she will know the truth.

Does the 95% greatest in the relationship really make up for this 5% bad?

LegacyUser

WOW what a tough day. Everybody has said the same as you guys. I tried to talk to him at lunchtime but he was so nasty to me and I asked him if this was how he wanted it to be or could he see a solution or compromise and I told him that it wasnt what i wanted and he kept repeating' you got what you want' no matter how many times i wanted to sort it out.

I suppose there is just no point in trying to talk to him when he is in thi sframe of mind. Its just a real pity that it ended this way as we are booked to go to Boston in 3 weeks time. and had also talked seriously about getting engaged. Its tough.

LegacyUser

I hope you are not saying that you would have gone to Boston with someone who said they are only with you because they pity you?
My ex used to talk to me like that, it completely destroyed my self-confidence (over time) because i listened to it, i ended trying to proove to him how lucky he was and all that cr*p! I know it sounds mad, but it was how his behavior reflected on me, the worse he treated me, and more names he called me, the harder i tried to show him i wasn't these things. It destroyed me as a person, i ended up not even knowing myself by the end because i ended up just doing everything i could to make him happy, and he still dumped me when i actually asked for his commitment and support!!
I am still trying to get myself back to the person i used to be, the longer you are with someone who tells you they 'pity you', the more you are destroying yourself and he will never see you or treat you differently, i know this now, its a hard lesson learned!
And i am 100% sure, that anyone will tell you, that there is NO love in a comment like that, even if it was said in the heat of the moment, he should be apologising repeatedly by now and by the sounds of it, he is doing far from that!
I would take the hint, and let him go, you dont need that abuse, and you certainly dont need to marry someone who speaks to you like that... Imagine listening to that forever!!!!

Good luck, and mind yourself! You deserve someone lovely!

dellas1979

Are you for real?
Compromise? He verbally abused you, walked out and has managed (because you let him) to blame all this on you!

At least stand your ground woman. Do not call txt ring etc unless you are seriously worried about his welfare, from which you wont because he is living with mammy (God bless mammy).

What a jackass! And you encourage him!

And one last note, it sounds like he wants out, yet you'll do anything to try and save it including taking the blame for his behaviour.

Barracudaincork

sotired wrote: »

I suppose there is just no point in trying to talk to him when he is in thi sframe of mind.

There is no point talking to him at all, regardless of his frame of mind, this man surely isnt the type of man you want to be with?

sotired wrote: »

Its just a real pity that it ended this way as we are booked to go to Boston in 3 weeks time. and had also talked seriously about getting engaged. Its tough.

Still go to Boston, what is stopping you?

Yes it is tough, but not as tough as a life with someone who verbally abuses you! Better to be alone, than in bad company

Micky Dolenz

Be wary, He is abusing you and needs to address his issue's or they will destory both of you.

dixiefly

sotired wrote: »

WOW what a tough day. Everybody has said the same as you guys. I tried to talk to him at lunchtime but he was so nasty to me and I asked him if this was how he wanted it to be or could he see a solution or compromise and I told him that it wasnt what i wanted and he kept repeating' you got what you want' no matter how many times i wanted to sort it out.

I suppose there is just no point in trying to talk to him when he is in thi sframe of mind. Its just a real pity that it ended this way as we are booked to go to Boston in 3 weeks time. and had also talked seriously about getting engaged. Its tough.

I thought from your description that you were married.

Myu advice to you is to run for the hills and thank your luck stars that this has happened now and not after ye get hitched and / or have kids.

I dont think you should take him back at all but if you did it should only be after a profuse apology from him (assuming you are telling the full story of course). The chances of him changing after marriage are pretty slim.

SarahSassy

He is a bully and knows he can bully you and get away with it. Why are you letting him? It wont get better once you are married.

opinion guy

He's trying to guilt trip you.
Learn to reverse it on him.
He says you got what you want. Respond with "I want a man who treats me respectfully and doesn't call me names"