I can't seem to overcome shyness

LegacyUser

There's literally about a 100 similar threads to this in this section a week but anywho, thought I'd give it a shot.

I'm 22 in a couple of months, male, single. Good-looking or so I've been told by others, tall, slim, relatively sporty and so on. However, one thing I don't have is confidence.

Well I don't know if confidence is the right word. I can have a conversation with anyone about anything. I could talk to someone I don't know for hours about nothing...sometimes. Other times I feel like what I'm saying is forced and there's no flow to it and I'd do anything to get out of the conversation. This doesn't make sense to me at all. I don't know why it happens at all.

The next part is...drumroll...girls. I have had, to date, 1 mess of a 1 night stand and kissed about 10-12 girls in clubs. The overwhelming majority of that is from them either gobsmacking me or making it obvious they want me to kiss them. I know I sound like an arrogant dick but it is true. I'm writing this out as much to make things clearer for myself as I want advice. I think there's 2 girls that I kissed that I "instigated" things and that was me being horrendously drunk and chancing my arm. The 1 night stand was an awful experience. I was blind drunk and basically dragged into a taxi by a girl who I did not find attractive in the slightest. I suppose some part of me wanted to go with her but I would never, ever repeat it again.

I've never been on a date either. I'm not too concerned about that though because I don't particularly "do" dates and I don't want a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend.

At the same time, bar once, I can never get with any girl that I like. I'm not claiming to be a smooth talking Casanova or anything. I'm not a boring person, I have great conversations with people but as I said, I can't seem to "pull the trigger" with girls. It's as if it all goes out the window and all I can think about is how I like this girl and then I'm useless. I've been in about 5 or 6 situations with girls I've liked where I've been quite sure at the time that I had a chance with them but I never took it and I blew it with them. There is one in particular that I'm kicking myself over constantly.

This is getting longer than I anticipated so apologies for those who've read this far (or haven't). The reason I'm writing this is because there's a girl I like at the minute who I don't want to blow my chance with for once - enough is enough sorta thing. I have a feeling I have a good chance of "getting in there" and I'll probably see her sometime this week or next week.

What I'm asking is what do I do basically? I know I'm going to get advice such as "man up" or "just go for it". That's not exactly helpful to be honest. I know myself I should do that. What I don't know is how to do it. I (stupidly) always wait for the girl to make the 1st move - if she touches me, I touch her back - never the other way around, I know it should be it's just not. When I'm out "clubbing", I generally look for a girl that comes onto me which doesn't happen too often. I don't know how to chat up a girl in a club.

I'm probably coming across as an arrogant dick here but I honestly am not. I don't know whether it's because I have high standards or a mixture of things.

Thanks for reading, any advice is appreciated.

Kevster

I think that you're missing the point about relationships completely. You seem to want it all right now, when that is not what many girls want (as far as I know...). Instead of seeing them [i.e. girls] as nothing more than 'girlfriends' or 'partners', see them as people just like you and I. They are people that you want to get to know - and understand - better. If you hold this perspective, then I think you'll be making a good start to getting a long term relationship with the right person.

What are the best lovers, after all, but the best friends.

You did not come across as arrogant in your message at all, I can assure you. The mere fact that you thought that should tell you something about yourself too - i.e. you worry what others think (maybe?).

Kevin

LegacyUser

I get what your saying, thanks for the advice. What I mean though is how do I do that? It's as if I get nervy when it involves someone other than a friend. I have plenty of friends who are girls but I don't see any of them as 'partners' in any sense. How do I express my interest with this girl without coming on too strongly or basically scaring her away? I always seem to doubt my judgement and as a result, become indecisive and I end up doing nothing or making a rash decision which I haven't thought through.

I suppose I have to change my menality, I seem to have this belief that the girl will make the 1st move because of previous experiences whereas in reality it's not always the case. It's alot harder than it sounds because when I'm out I seem to revert to the "norm" and stay in my comfort zone. Fear of rejection has to be another factor as well.

I feel as if I should be more experienced at this age. I wouldn't have the slightest clue what to do on a date if I was on one and in all likelihood I would end up feeling awkward and then shut her out. Don't ask me why, its something I seem to do time and again, I push people away who are getting too close to me, as if I don't want them to know me which is fairly self-defeating.

Ye I'm kind of a mess. I feel I may be over exaggerating slightly though - don't we all overstate our problems?

Thanks for your reply again.

Kevster

What you're doing right now is not what you should be doing... ...i.e. thinking too much. I understand why you've come here for help, but this shouldn't even be an issue for you. If you see a girl you like, then 'gravity' should naturally attract you to her to talk. If things don't work out, then so what? We have no time to be worrying about rejections. Then again, we have no time to be wondering if such-and-such a girl will like us either.

Dude, I had a crush on a girl for thirteen years and did nothing about it. Stuff like that made me realise that I need to 'seize the day', as they say. Now, ifI see a girl that I like, I will have no issue asking her out. If she rejects, I move on.

Kevin

sleepbarn

don't think too much stress cause that would make you feel awkward. dont be paranoid and focus on happy thoughts. this things can make you feel more comfortable. always think like you do have this plenty of wealth and health in your pocket but don't be an airhead.




SleepBarn

LegacyUser

Sorry for dragging this up again, I had a bad week and I wanted to get something off my chest. I've been thinking more about 'it' and I've come to the conclusion that it's not just a fear of rejection, but almost a lack of common sense.

I really, really don't know how to chat up a girl properly.

How do I move the conversation from "nice weather we're having" or something equally mundane to "I think you're really hot, can I kiss you?" Obviously I wouldn't say in that manner, but I don't seem to be able to go past a certain level of conversation. Maybe it's a lack of practice or knowledge but it's something I need to work on. I know - practice makes perfect etc.. - but it would help if I knew what to practice.

I'm not looking to be a guy who picks up someone every single time he goes out but I would like to be able to take my chances with girls I like instead of acting like a deer in the headlights and kicking myself for months afterwards.

Trust me, that's getting boring at this stage.

anomalous

look it all starts with a conversation and if you feel like your too shy to be giving your opinions try steering the conversation to stuff she is interested in and then get her talking about herself - this will help you get to know her and that is the first step being able to have a normal conversation with her

you should probably take it slow and dont try to get off with her the first time you try talking to her - but the next time you see her chat to her again - build on your earlier conversations - this will give you more confidence to talk to her

if you are too stressed out you will put her on edge so just try to relax - find something that works for you - i dont know breathing exercises or thinking about a really good day you had or something - when im nervous i just take a deep breath and then wade into the situation and face it head on it makes me feel more confident that i am at least trying to tackle the situation