Boyfriend and friends dont get on...

LegacyUser

I have a really big problem that is really getting me dwn!

I have been going out with this lad for 3 years now and i really love him to bits. The thing is the majority of my friends dont like him anymore. When we first met every1 liked him and thought he was great because he was so nice to me and them but all has changed now and and im left with hardly any of them liking him.
It is not that he has done anyhting major to them, some of them heard stories about how h was before he met me and kind of had it out with him one night to make sure he wudn't do it to me and he didnt take that to well so stopped speaking to them. He is just very headstrong and wont admit he is ever wrong.

The relationship is very complicated and we have both been between a lot together. But we had a big fight last year and he said and did some very hateful things because he was upset. I forgave him but when my friends found out they said they wouldn't speak to he again if i got back with him. I was lost without him and within a few weeks we got back together but i have been keepin it from some my friends ever since.

The situation is killing me because i want to tell them but its going on so long i dont know how to anymore. Whats worse than this is my boyfriend reciently fell out with another of my friends over something really stupid and i know none of them will give in and sort it!

He is being very stubborn about the whole situation and i am very stuck. Also we were just chatting one day there and he said that if we were ever to get married then he would have any of my friends at the wedding, whick kinda upsets me too. I just dont know anymore! Help!

unattendedbag

So your friends dont know that you are back with your boyfriend? Sooner you tell themt he better as its best off coming from you.

From what you've desribed it seems like your boyfriend and friends have complete personality clashes. Its doubtful they will change so really it looks like you can only seperate them both which means you will endup running fom one to the other and having 2 different social worlds. The only alternative is for one party to change their attitude and put on a bit of an act and get along with the other, just for the sake of getting on. It may be easier to convince you boyfriend to do this than a group of friends. Just out of interest, How do you get on with his friends?

LegacyUser

Some of my friends do know that im going out with him but the ones he fell out with first dont. They do kno i really like him. I really do feel like im living two lives... he gets jealous whenever i say i would like to go out with the girls and starts giving out about them.

I do get on with his friends but i dont see them too often.

Chinafoot

Guset 1234 wrote: »

It is not that he has done anyhting major to them, some of them heard stories about how h was before he met me and kind of had it out with him one night to make sure he wudn't do it to me and he didnt take that to well so stopped speaking to them. He is just very headstrong and wont admit he is ever wrong.

Your friends were wrong to have it out with him like that, however if there was drink involved most people would be inclined to forget about it and try to appreciate that your friends are just looking out for you and don't want you to get hurt. Responding with the silent treatment is very childish and completely unfair to you. Also, you say that he will never admit he is wrong? That is really not a good trait in anyone and is something that he needs to sort out.

Guset 1234 wrote: »

The relationship is very complicated and we have both been between a lot together. But we had a big fight last year and he said and did some very hateful things because he was upset. I forgave him but when my friends found out they said they wouldn't speak to he again if i got back with him. I was lost without him and within a few weeks we got back together but i have been keepin it from some my friends ever since.

You have to understand the position of your friends. They care about you and their main experience of this guy is that firstly he has a bit of a reputation, then he refuses to talk to them when they had it out with him about that rep, and then they no doubt had to listen to you when he did and said "hateful things". You seem to be making excuses for him and if I were you I'd be questioning why I was so lost without someone who was that disrespectful to me and my friends.

Guset 1234 wrote: »

The situation is killing me because i want to tell them but its going on so long i dont know how to anymore. Whats worse than this is my boyfriend reciently fell out with another of my friends over something really stupid and i know none of them will give in and sort it!

He is being very stubborn about the whole situation and i am very stuck.

You're stuck because you are allowing him to act like this. Nobody is saying that your boyfriend has to become best friends with your pals but both sides need to act like adults. Your boyfriend in particular needs to accept when he is wrong and you need to learn to stop making excuse for him and stand up for yourself. I would seriously question my relationship if all of my good friends were so against it.

Guset 1234 wrote: »

Also we were just chatting one day there and he said that if we were ever to get married then he would have any of my friends at the wedding, whick kinda upsets me too. I just dont know anymore! Help!

He actually said that? Listen, I'm sorry but even with all your excuse making this guy sounds like a creep. If things don't change you will find yourself with absolutely no friends and it sounds like thats exactly what he wants.

Sit down and speak to your friends about this. Tell them you are back with him and have a very frank discussion about why they dislike him so much. Do it with your eyes and ears open though. Listen to what they have to say and don't make excuses for him. Then I would advise doing to same with your boyfriend. Find out why he hates them so much and if his only reasons are an ill-advised talking to and whatever this "really stupid" thing is, then you need to decide if your relationship with this fella is worth losing all your current friends and any subsequent friends he doesn't like (and from the sounds of it, I can almost promise you that will happen.)

EDIT:

Guest 1234 wrote: »

Some of my friends do know that im going out with him but the ones he fell out with first dont. They do kno i really like him. I really do feel like im living two lives... he gets jealous whenever i say i would like to go out with the girls and starts giving out about them.

I do get on with his friends but i dont see them too often.

OP, you've just confirmed it right there. Thats controlling, bullying behaviour. That won't stop because you let him have his way when it comes to these friends. There'll be other things he'll pick on. A night out with college/work people will make him unhappy. Any new friends you make when the ones you're barely clinging to now decide to give up on you, will not be liked either and you'll end up dropping them to keep him happy. You'll find yourself totally reliant on him and thats really not healthy. Time to take a good long look at this relationship.

Best of luck.