Are looks everything?

LegacyUser

I'm taking this from a males perspective........but does everything really boil down to looks?

Okay firstly I am note going on a rant against women, I have some really great female friends who say stuff like "looks aren't everything, personality counts double" yet they are going out with very attractive guys who seem to they seem to be constantly fighting with and complaining about..........but never leave them.

By reading this post you have probably come to the conclusion that I am obviously no Brad Pitt, but I have a nice face (I have been told this and even I think so too) but I am short, balding and have a few acne scares from my teens (ha, I guarantee the vast majority of girls cringed whilst reading that). I get along with the majority of people that I meet and I like to think that I have a very friendly and outgoing personality.

The trouble is, the older I get the harder I find to meet women. I have had some long term relationships in the past but I always seem to get dumped (usually for better looking guys) but I'm at the stage where I haven't got a clue where I will meet my next potential partner. All of my mates are shacked up and only resurface when their girlfriends have got prior arrangements, and the chances of meeting girls through work are slim to none (I work in a male dominated field).

Anyway, enough about my sob stories............my question is are looks everything???

LegacyUser

i think i am your female equivalent! I am in my mid twenties and have never had a relationship past the three month mark. The older im getting the less men are interested in me. iwork in a female dominated environment. I am never chatted up anymore or seem to have any man interested in me. Even when i was younger, I was the girl in my group that never had much interest from men.

i dont think i am as pretty as my friends whom i socialise with regularly. They have no probs attracting men who ask them out etc. I know i do not have a bad personality- i find it very easy to make friends, both male and female, and i have a lot of close friends. They all say i am a sound, friendly girl etc and they say that i am attractive yet i still never get any romantic interest.

I would like to think looks dont matter but i think they do. I think that i am a nice person but i just dont think i am a sexy/attractive person and the lack of interest i get from guys proves this to me. i dont think i am a hideous troll who should stay under the bridge but i know that im not pretty either. I figure that if i am able to make friends no problem that it must be my physical self that is unattractive to men. Im not shallow, i dont judge the men i like/fancy on their looks solely but i do think that its my looks that are preventing me from being in a romantic relationship.

unattendedbag

No of course looks aren't everything, thats why you hear so much talk about personalities etc... Most people being honest will require a mix of both looks and personality in their perfect partner. C'mon who doesnt want their partner to be good looking.

Looks play a big part in first impresions. Thats why we dress up if we are trying to pull in a nightlub. and thats why we try and put up a good photo on a dating website because naturally people are attracted to good looking people.
However there are a lot of us that dont look like brad pitt so we depend on our personality and charm to make it with the ladies. Generally though as long as your appearence doesnt physically make a woman sick then lov wont be far away as long as you dont give up hope.

G-Money

Looks aren't everything, but they are an element in the whole package. But I'll be honest, I've met some girls in my time and some of them were very hung up on looks, although they'd probably swear otherwise and throw out the usual words like "chemistry" and "sparks" not being right/there. I always got the impression that if Brad Pitt showed up and completely blanked them and ignored them and treated them like crap, they'd still be saying how great the "chemistry" was between them which seems like a load of balls.

Having said that, not all girls are hung up on looks and I'd say the majority aren't. I've met some who are though and it's obvious as they're simply not willing to give you a chance. They base their whole opinion of you on how you look. It's frustrating but what can you do, especially as the one's who are really hung up on looks can sometimes go on so much about how looks don't matter and it can be quite patronising.

I've occasionally met girls I wasn't attracted to who I sensed were interested in me. I felt bad but at the very least I was friendly and chatty with them. Unfortunately when the situation has been reversed (when I liked the girl and they didn't like me), I've not received the same treatment.

But that's just the way of the world. When it comes to both sexes, you will find people who are more shallow than others. For me personally, I need to be physically attracted to a girl. I don't mean that she needs to be some size 0 supermodel. Far from it. But I do need to be attracted to her. I've been in situations before where for me the attraction has lacked slightly and it can turn into an uncomfortable situation for all involved.

For me anyway, when a girl blanks me for whatever reason, I don't get pissed off. I just say to myself "fair enough" and then I add her to my list of "girls who have ignored me who I will ignore when I become rich/famous" :cool:

There are plenty of girls out there, don't fall into the scarcity mindset.

All the best.

blaz

OP, I will give you a very good example from my recent vacation. I met this guy from Jersey. He was short, always walking around unshaven and in dirty clothes (he was on a multi-month trip around the world and obviously didn't care about hygiene too much...) and above all - he had a fake eye due to some childhood injury. He certainly wasn't a Brad Pitt. Yet he was the ladies man. On our journey he picked up a group of four (attractive) Swedish girls that were following his every step like little puppies. On another night out he hooked up with a Brazilian hottie that didn't even speak English (so it wasn't his sweet-talking either) and ended up in bed with her...

This clearly shows that as far as attraction goes looks aren't everything. It is your attitude and how you present yourself to the world that do it. Confidence is the key.

cafecolour

I'd actually say that guys are more picky about physical looks in a girl than girls are about guys. I think girls can respond more to 'persona'

For instance. If a girl is into 'bad boys' so to speak, I'd say she's going fall for a guy with that sort of persona irrelevant largely to what he looks like.

Versus a guy into 'bad girls' is more likely to reject girls with the correct persona because they don't quite meet the look.

Eve_Dublin

You can be average or even not very conventionally good looking but can still be sexy and this applies to men more than women. I've started seeing a guy recently who I've known for a while but never saw in that way until the past month or so. The man is a reasonable height but not much taller than me, balding, his teeth are wonky, his skin is far from perfect, his nose is large and kinda bent...but he's the sexiest man I've come across in a very long time and it's all down to how he carries himself. He has such a great personality...funny, kind, talented and intelligent but on first impressions, he's really nothing to look at but he's so completely comfortable in his own skin and not in the the slightest bit insecure about how he looks...if he is, he hides it well. I've gone out with some very conventionally attractive men but the men who really got me going were the ones who SHOULDN'T be so comfortable in their own skin (according to what were told by the marketers and media) but are! I LOVE that! The men who were good looking were the most insecure.The thing is, this man is older and I think looks matter less as you get older. You demand more from a man besides from what they look like. I for one can't hang out with a man who bores me to tears and what interested me when I was 24 is very different to what I like now (I'm 29). I demand a bit more from a person I'm spending time with than I did back then. You don't get away purely on looks anymore...people of any worth demand someone with a bit more substance.

I will say though, this man is in good shape. He eats well and his body is fit but besides from this, he shouldn't be on my mind all the time like he is...I'd choose him over Jaoquin Phoenix any day (my fave male celeb) and that's solely down to his personality and how he carries himself.

Fat Pie Lot

What's important is that you have to find the person attractive in some way. For most people, I imagine that looks figure heavily in that, but looks, which trigger that initial pang of attraction can only get you so far and there are other traits, such as personality etc. that can take things beyond that initial conversation or whatever.

I remember the stunning blonde from the pub the other night who was pretty vapid, but I regret not making more of an effort with the brunette who was able to make me laugh.

LegacyUser

OP, lucky for you that you're a male as looks matter very little to most women. In fact, many women settle in terms of looks because they get to a certain age and want a relationship. So almost every man is 'date-able'. This is particularly true if he has a good personality.

THe opposite is true for women. Men, for the most part, just go on looks. And then they need all the component parts (i.e. nice personality etc). But bottom line, if a girl is not good looking then he won't date her. He might have sex with her in secret but never take her in public because of what his friends would think.

I'm female and I see this time and time again. I'm a bigger girl. I've a beautiful face and I'm really intelligent, good job, funny etc. But that doesn't matter to men - all they see is my size and how if they have a girlfriend who is big it has some reflection on their ability to pull a 'hot bird'. And that's all that matters to them at the end of the day. I think this is particularly true of men in their 30s.

So bottom line OP, you have nothing to worry about (and I'd bet my life that you only go for a girl of a certain hotness level, right? That you also consider girls of a certain conventional looks!). But luckily for you, that won't be an issue.

Dudess

They are to some, aren't to others. For me, personality is by far the clincher (Quasimodo/Elephant Man lookalikes aside).

unclecessna

People often comment on looks and personality but I find that everyone projects a certain aura whether they realize it or not and that in my opinion is what really makes someone either attractive or not attractive to me.

If I like the overall aura someone projects then other imperfections just melt away or even just become something endearingly different about that person.

It's all very subjective to each individual.

bazmaiden

I bloody hope not, but my belief is that you do have to be attracted to the other person physically, as well as everything else.

Dudess

This thread might also offer some insight, OP. It's not about the exact same thing, but it's not unrelated.

nehpets10

Deep_Thinker wrote: »

I'm taking this from a males perspective........but does everything really boil down to looks?

I'd nearly say the opposite: looks don't matter at all. You sound like you lack confidence more than looks. Work on that and everything will fall into place.

gonnaplayrugby

no not everything obviously, and you don't have to even look that great but your appearence has to be attractive to the girl/guy you like. it doesn't matter about your personality or your style if you simply don't find the other persons face attractive......but i know from listening to girls that i know the 'badboy'(how gay is dat) type is the one they go for. :rolleyes:

i mean i know girls who i get on well with but i just dont get an attraction. also what is attractive to 1 person may not be for the other.

Dudess

gonnaplayrugby wrote: »

i know from listening to girls that i know the 'badboy'(how gay is dat) type is the one they go for. :rolleyes:

Most of them will grow out of that.

pinkpigs

Hi Deep Thinker,

I understand where you are coming from. For me it's not about someone being a hottie. I often find that the hotter the guy the more he loves himself so I avoid them like the plague.

For me it can be something can be something small like the way a guy laughs, how he stands or how he smells but I think confidence is the ultimate attraction. I think if you are relaxed and confident it makes you much more appealing

Good luck.

pp.:o

username123

Beyond first impressions its not about looks at all. Actually, as we get older its less and less about looks too - no matter what I do Im never gonna look as fresh faced and lean as I did at 19 years of age, and nor is anyone else my age.

I think its more about what you project to the world. I know good looking men who never seem to score and I know much much less good looking ones who have never had a problem with the ladies. Same for girls I know.

I do think women are far less hung up on men being good looking though - women are far more forgiving of imperfections in looks.

If youre comfortable and happy with yourself and not truly revolting to look at (and most people are not), then youve as much chance with the opposite sex as anyone.

Stu

Looks aren't everything but the girl has to have 2 eyes, a nose, a mouth and a fairly round shaped head before i'll entertain her .

No, but seriously. I'm attracted to good looking, fit, healthy women. I just am, i can't help it. A girl who looks after herself and looks well without having to wear loads of make up is a big turn on to any red blooded male. Looks are important, make no mistake about it. Personality is obviously more important in the long run but the initial impression you get is usually down to how a person looks or holds themselves. A good looking well groomed man or women is saying, "i value myself and want to look my best" and any person who makes an effort to look their best will be good looking to a lot of people regardless of whether they are stereotypically good looking or not.

When you get that warm fuzzy feeling after looking into a persons eyes that you fancy, theres nothing like it. Its an animal instinct to be drawn toward someone you find physically striking. It makes you feel alive to touch, kiss and make love to someone you are strongly physically attracted to. I can't understand anybody under the age of 40 who says that looks don't matter. They should matter.

krudler

At first, yes they are. lets be brutally honest nobody sees someone they find unnatractive in a pub and thinks "well they might have a nice personality",in that environment you're out to find someone who is sexually appealing to you. I've gone out with people I may not have instantly found attractive but got to know them and got on brilliantly with them, but of course you should find your partner attractive, I'd be hugely insulted if my girlfriend thought I wasnt "her type" but settled for me anyay because of my devilish charm

The women who go for the "bad boys" are the ones who will wake up one day,realise they're nearly 40 and they've thrown away all the chances with decent men in favour of the gobsh1tes who treat them like dirt, meanwhile all the decent men will be beating women off with a stick.

Anti

To put it bluntly yes, no one wants to date a "ugly" person. And if they do they dont wan't to be taking them out in public or showing them off to their friends. People always say to never judge a book by its cover, but the sad fact is we all do. The person might have the best traits a person can have, but if the physicial attraction isn't there things just wont progress past the meet and greet.

But always remember, one persons ugly is the next persons beautifull.

gonnaplayrugby

ye thats true(beauty is truly in eye of beholder)-also status attached can make someone look better, take BOD, he's actuallyaverage looking but a lot of girls consider him good looking...im in a weird position cause a girl thinks(or thought) i was hot but my personality is prob why she wont go for me which sucks. she wants a bad boy type and im well the boy next door lol

LegacyUser

Okay so a lot of people have said that "looks do matter" and a lot of people have said "it's all confidence, how you hold yourself etc" - and, in my opinion, they're both right

Okay to clarify this, I think that confidence is the key - but that confidence often doesn't come easily. If you are lucky enough to have good looks that is one way of easily instilling confidence in yourself. (People act like you're good looking, which gives you confidence, which makes you attractive to girls, which gives you more confidence and so on)

Also looks are more important when people are younger - so good looking people can sometimes gain that confidence early compared to the not-so-pretties. (I'm speaking from experience by the way, I'm one of the not-so-pretties)

Now for a long time I had no success with the ladies - and I blamed my looks - and I was right (to an extent). However, although my looks definetely were a problem when I was younger, this effect faded early enough into my twenties - the problem was a believed it was still a problem and so had the mindset of not being attractive and therefore didn't "act" attractive. I let my "looks" ruin my dating life long after they had actually ceased to be an issue.

The trick is to find another way to gain that confidence - and a lot of it is around developing yourself as a person. That includes developing physically (staying healthy, playing sport), developing your personality (getting a hobby that involves meeting other people, developing a good sense of humour - this is vital - and so on)

What I found useful was to play a little psychological trick on myself. Whereas previously I would have assumed that any particular girl couldn't be interested in me, and if she wasn't I assumed "ah it's my looks again"
But I started saying to myself "you know what, I assume every girl is interested in me - because I am great. And if she is not it is for some unknown reason - she is already in a relationship, she is blind etc". It was certainly not some fundamental flaw in me - if she wasn't interested in me it was her problem - and her loss"!
I may only have been fooling myself - but that was the only person I had to fool!

Now I have to admit I became a bit of an arrogant asshole for a time while I was figuring out this balance - which you want to avoid, because it can lead to you treating people badly. But I still got way more attention like this than when I assumed I was bad looking - and my looks really hadn't changed much at all!

Hope that makes sense - I realise this thread is a little old but OP if you do read this hope it helps you out.