After "coming out" what did you miss most?

wayhey

Well everyone! I'm not a troll, I'm actually just curious. When you came out, is there anything that you missed? I can understand that it's a big relief, but did you lose many "friends"? Do you miss any social scene that you don't participate in that much because of homophobia, such as sport?

I'm trying not to make sweeping, ignorant generalisations but I hope I got the idea across?

Boston

Breasts.

wayhey

Boston wrote: »

Breasts.

Seriously? Like just missed going out with women a bit?

anotherlostie

I can honestly say nothing. My social life improved dramatically (after a while admittedly) , I no longer had to waste serious amount of energy living a lie, and I no longer had to worry that someone would out me (given that I didn't go out on the scene, I'm not sure why I even worried about this one, but I did, a lot). The only friend I lost was another gay one...go figure.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I didn't lose anything. The only things that changed were for the better.

MicraBoy

My girlfriend and friends associated with her. Even though I believe the relationship had to end because my head was in such a mess after telling her I was bi, it left a huge hole in my heart and my life.

LGiamani

Checking out fit guys anywhere I seen them because they knew my story

kisaragi

Hmm I can't think of anything I miss... As a previous poster said - things only changed for the better.

azezil

As others have already said, I lost nothing but gained so much

Aard

I miss the anonymity. It seems, in school at least, that there's some sort of "duty" on gay people to be open with every living soul about their love-lives. Had I been straight, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been asked half the awkward questions I was.


Other than that though - I miss nothing.

L1011

The constant sense of angst, mostly...

Boston

manzagone wrote: »

ICan'tReadACharter@DeletePosts.com

Why are you posting up your email addresses?

Boston

Aard wrote: »

I miss the anonymity. It seems, in school at least, that there's some sort of "duty" on gay people to be open with every living soul about their love-lives. Had I been straight, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been asked half the awkward questions I was.


Other than that though - I miss nothing.

Thats a good one.

The lost of entitlement to privacy in other people's eyes.

T Corolla

Folks post coming out apart from the points mentioned in the posts have you come closer to serious relationships. Have you met that someone special I am a straight guy who believes gay or straight everyboby needs somebody to love

Boston

It's extremely difficult to have a serious relationship while closeted

T Corolla

One question is it hard to hard a relationship when you come out I am ignorant so please inform me please

Boston

Relationships are hard. I know people gay and straight who've never been able to maintain a relationship for more then a few weeks. Regardless of sexuality, there will be problems. When I came out initially, I did so because I was in a relationship I knew couldn't work in secret.

sierraecho

Don't miss a thing about it. Spent years freaking out about what life would be like after i came out but after doing so it was good.
Most people I knew were fine with it. Think I've only encountered one person who had a problem. But if they can't accept me for who I am than they're weren't a true friend.

MultiUmm

I came out a few days ago to my closest friends, so I don't know if I'll 'miss' anything about them not knowing.

Only time will tell I suppose, although damn it feels good having it out in the open now! :cool:

It's a huge relief more than anything else, I don't think I'll miss much about having to hide a part of me for the first 16 years of my life much. (Well 5 years I guess, I hardly knew since I was in the cradle ... )

Tricity Bendix

Boston wrote: »

Relationships are hard.

ORLY? In many ways maitaining a relationship has been the easiest thing I've ever had do in my life.

Chuchoter

I'm going to go against the grain here and say as a 16 year old lesbian, being out sucks. Friends- they're fine more or less except the girl I like (and am out to) is wary about sitting near me. I'm also out to my parents, who banned me from going into town/ Belongto/follow me to shopping centers and they took the one rainbow bracelet I owned. Constant awkwardness, fighting, following my every move on facebook/sneaking into my email, not to mention they put me in therapy. I came out of the closet and my parents shoved me back in. That suffocating, claustrophobic angst? Yeah that was a ****ing walk in the park compared to now.

Aard

That's fuçking sh1t. Every day I feel more confident that Ireland has lost its bigotry, then I hear things like this that bring me back down to earth.

L1011

How the feck have they found someone in Ireland medically immoral enough to provide "therapy" for sexual orientation?

Get their medical council number, and report them. Thats ENTIRELY against medical council standards and ethics.

http://www.medicalcouncil.ie/Professional-Standards/Making-a-Complaint-/Making-a-Complaint.html

crotalus667

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here and say as a 16 year old lesbian, being out sucks. Friends- they're fine more or less except the girl I like (and am out to) is wary about sitting near me. I'm also out to my parents, who banned me from going into town/ Belongto/follow me to shopping centers and they took the one rainbow bracelet I owned. Constant awkwardness, fighting, following my every move on facebook/sneaking into my email, not to mention they put me in therapy. I came out of the closet and my parents shoved me back in. That suffocating, claustrophobic angst? Yeah that was a ****ing walk in the park compared to now.

dont worry your only 16 , it will get better

wayhey

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here and say as a 16 year old lesbian, being out sucks. Friends- they're fine more or less except the girl I like (and am out to) is wary about sitting near me. I'm also out to my parents, who banned me from going into town/ Belongto/follow me to shopping centers and they took the one rainbow bracelet I owned. Constant awkwardness, fighting, following my every move on facebook/sneaking into my email, not to mention they put me in therapy. I came out of the closet and my parents shoved me back in. That suffocating, claustrophobic angst? Yeah that was a ****ing walk in the park compared to now.

That sucks!! I know it can be unchartered waters for parents but still...
In a strange way though they've raised a really great daughter from the sounds of things!

Chuchoter

MYOB wrote: »

How the feck have they found someone in Ireland medically immoral enough to provide "therapy" for sexual orientation?

Get their medical council number, and report them. Thats ENTIRELY against medical council standards and ethics.

http://www.medicalcouncil.ie/Professional-Standards/Making-a-Complaint-/Making-a-Complaint.html

Sorry kind of made myself unclear, the therapist herself isn't trying to make me straight, but my parents think therapy will 'un-confuse me'. Thanks for the support from everyone though

Boston

crayolastereo wrote: »

Sorry kind of made myself unclear, the therapist herself isn't trying to make me straight, but my parents think therapy will 'un-confuse me'. Thanks for the support from everyone though

Don't look at therapy as a negative thing, it may very well un-confuse you and help you come to terms with why your parents are being such Muppets. The only thing I'd say is make sure whatever you tell the therapist is confidential and not to be shared with others. After that you're free to talk about whatevers troubling you, be it unrequited love, exam stress, home problems.

Aoifums

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here and say as a 16 year old lesbian, being out sucks. Friends- they're fine more or less except the girl I like (and am out to) is wary about sitting near me. I'm also out to my parents, who banned me from going into town/ Belongto/follow me to shopping centers and they took the one rainbow bracelet I owned. Constant awkwardness, fighting, following my every move on facebook/sneaking into my email, not to mention they put me in therapy. I came out of the closet and my parents shoved me back in. That suffocating, claustrophobic angst? Yeah that was a ****ing walk in the park compared to now.

Poor you

Good friends will stick with you, especially the ones that are more ok than the others. You'll always get the few who edge away but (I know this sounds horrible) they're not worth being friends with.
I can't say anything about your parents but you're out now and they know it. Two years (or so) until college

Bad for me was losing a lot of friends. And things are awkward with my mam. She still has my fantastic glyni booklet which I need to lend to someone and I can't ask her for it back.

Good is that I'm not lying to my remaining friends so we're closer. My friends have stopped trying to set me up with people (mostly) and I'm generally happier!

eaglach

I'm not out, but one thing I'm afraid to lose is being "one of the lads".

All the time I'd be joking around with them saying stupid "thats what she said" jokes, commenting on women and things like that.

I don't want to lose that...

Boston

eaglach wrote: »

I'm not out, but one thing I'm afraid to lose is being "one of the lads".

All the time I'd be joking around with them saying stupid "thats what she said" jokes, commenting on women and things like that.

I don't want to lose that...

Gay, straight and everything in-between doesn't matter, you grow out of being "one of the lads" sooner or later.

Tricity Bendix

If I ever grow out of 'thats what she said,' y'all have permission to shoot me.

MultiUmm

Boston wrote: »

Gay, straight and everything in-between doesn't matter, you grow out of being "one of the lads" sooner or later.

That's true, but who says the poster wants to grow out of being "one of the lads" yet?

By the sounds of it he still wants to keep them as his friends, and large groups of young, macho guys who might be insecure about their own sexuality aren't perceived as the most enthusiastic people about gays in general.

I'm not trying to say that coming out is a bad thing (I found it liberating but I'm not exactly one of the lads :P), but fear of social rejection or being treated differently by peers is what keeps most young gay guys down imo. eaglach for example.

It's hard to just pick up and go and grow out of being one of the lads if they reject who you are. I know the whole "if they don't accept you for who you are they're not your real friends" thing is true, but where's he meant to find new great accepting friends?

Chances are most of 'em would be cool, I'm just going with a worst case scenario type thing that most closeted people tend to imagine happening after coming out.

izzy93

I love my girlfiend, but i miss penis. There, I said it.

Untense

eaglach wrote: »

I'm not out, but one thing I'm afraid to lose is being "one of the lads".

All the time I'd be joking around with them saying stupid "thats what she said" jokes, commenting on women and things like that.

I don't want to lose that...

Coming out doesn't mean you'll lose your sense of humour, or that the dynamic you have among your friends suddenly changes.

boston wrote:

Gay, straight and everything in-between doesn't matter, you grow out of being "one of the lads" sooner or later.

It happens a lot, but it's not always the case.

phic

eaglach wrote: »

I'm not out, but one thing I'm afraid to lose is being "one of the lads".

All the time I'd be joking around with them saying stupid "thats what she said" jokes, commenting on women and things like that.

I don't want to lose that...

Mines kinda like that, now I'm out with my friends I miss being asked for boy advice, or discussing if a guy is good looking or not!

I may be a lesbian, but I've still gone out with more guys than most of them, and I can still see men!

Also, in some ways the being melodramatic about "my secret". I really though everyone would care so much and be so shocked when I came out. No one was of course!

esposito

phic wrote: »

Also, in some ways the being melodramatic about "my secret". I really though everyone would care so much and be so shocked when I came out. No one was of course!

Me too. No one actually cares! And I think that's the best possible reaction.
One friend said "you're a real man" which was reassuring:D

Eaglach, I can tell you nothing has changed, I still discuss girls with the lads, crack jokes and still kept my sense of humour:D If anything my sense of humour will only get better..

And remember, I only came out very recently as I told you before.

mccarn22

after i realized that i was maybe gay or at least bi curious.. it made me nervous around the lads who where on my teams... i did play really campy sports like tennis and bad... but i miss the rugby.. i know there are the Emerald warriors now.. but its been too long since i played so out of embarrassment i wont return to playing...

esposito

mccarn22 wrote: »

after i realized that i was maybe gay or at least bi curious.. it made me nervous around the lads who where on my teams... i did play really campy sports like tennis and bad... but i miss the rugby.. i know there are the Emerald warriors now.. but its been too long since i played so out of embarrassment i wont return to playing...

Just because yo're gay dosent mean you should stop playing sport. With the law of averages there are bound to be some gay/bi lads on your former rugby team. I say rejoin. I don't play for any teams per se but I play football amongst my friends and there is absolutely no problem.

Aard

Also, fwiw, the Emerald Warriors seem to be accepting players of all skill-levels.

Annasopra

mccarn22 wrote: »

after i realized that i was maybe gay or at least bi curious.. it made me nervous around the lads who where on my teams... i did play really campy sports like tennis and bad... but i miss the rugby.. i know there are the Emerald warriors now.. but its been too long since i played so out of embarrassment i wont return to playing...

Emerald Warriors have players at lots of different levels

eaglach

Boston wrote: »

Gay, straight and everything in-between doesn't matter, you grow out of being "one of the lads" sooner or later.

Sorry but thats complete bull! Maybe you have a different idea of it, but joking around with your mates, chatting about women, making dirty jokes - everyone does it no matter what age you are.

How can you grow out of it? It's like saying you can grow out of being good pals...

Aard

eaglach wrote: »

It's like saying you can grow out of being good pals...

That would be the norm, tbh. Sooner or later, you and your friends will start growing at different speeds in different directions. It's inevitable. I wouldn't let fear of loss dictate when you do or don't come out.

ding-dong

mccarn22 wrote: »

after i realized that i was maybe gay or at least bi curious.. it made me nervous around the lads who where on my teams... i did play really campy sports like tennis and bad... but i miss the rugby.. i know there are the Emerald warriors now.. but its been too long since i played so out of embarrassment i wont return to playing...

Lol I didn't know tennis was a "really campy sport" - in fact, I didn't know there was such a thing. I'd say it's somewhere in the middle of the sissy spectrum, with croquet on one end and MMA on the other...

Boston

eaglach wrote: »

Sorry but thats complete bull! Maybe you have a different idea of it, but joking around with your mates, chatting about women, making dirty jokes - everyone does it no matter what age you are.

How can you grow out of it? It's like saying you can grow out of being good pals...

Being "one of the lads" is distinct from having friends. Friends come, friends go, that's a natural part of life. Hiding who you are from friends isn't natural however.

MultiUmm wrote: »

That's true, but who says the poster wants to grow out of being "one of the lads" yet?

By the sounds of it he still wants to keep them as his friends, and large groups of young, macho guys who might be insecure about their own sexuality aren't perceived as the most enthusiastic people about gays in general.

I'm not trying to say that coming out is a bad thing (I found it liberating but I'm not exactly one of the lads ), but fear of social rejection or being treated differently by peers is what keeps most young gay guys down imo. eaglach for example.

It's hard to just pick up and go and grow out of being one of the lads if they reject who you are. I know the whole "if they don't accept you for who you are they're not your real friends" thing is true, but where's he meant to find new great accepting friends?

Chances are most of 'em would be cool, I'm just going with a worst case scenario type thing that most closeted people tend to imagine happening after coming out.

You said it yourself "if they don't accept you for who you are they're not your real friends". Life is too short. I've talked about what it means to be one of the lads before and the consensus is that it means having a group of mates who are there for you through tick and thin, who share your defeats as well as your triumphs. If they can't accept your gay, then they're not your mates, and you're not one of them. When Gareth Thomas came out, his team mates accepted him, supported him and protected him. He was one of them and nothing could change that. I'm not going to pretend there's and good in delusions, either they'll accept him or they won't.

Heebie

It's always difficult to have a serious relationship.

Boston wrote: »

It's extremely difficult to have a serious relationship while closeted

oisindoyle

eaglach wrote: »

I'm not out, but one thing I'm afraid to lose is being "one of the lads".

All the time I'd be joking around with them saying stupid "thats what she said" jokes, commenting on women and things like that.

I don't want to lose that...

But why would you lose it ? Do you think that if you came out your personality will change ? It wont ,,,You are who you are ...You will still be one of the lads ,get drunk ,watch football or whatever....You wont lose anything

SarahBeep!

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here and say as a 16 year old lesbian, being out sucks. Friends- they're fine more or less except the girl I like (and am out to) is wary about sitting near me. I'm also out to my parents, who banned me from going into town/ Belongto/follow me to shopping centers and they took the one rainbow bracelet I owned. Constant awkwardness, fighting, following my every move on facebook/sneaking into my email, not to mention they put me in therapy. I came out of the closet and my parents shoved me back in. That suffocating, claustrophobic angst? Yeah that was a ****ing walk in the park compared to now.

*cuddles*

Don't worry, you're perfect just as you are, those who can't see it are those that are blemished

I'm here if you ever wanna talk

Asphyxia

Yeah I agree with most of the people here. I don't miss anything everything got so much easier, I made really good friends anyone that stoped hanging with me were just silly I accepted who they were so they should accept who I was so I'm glad in a way because I found out who were my real friends and who really cared about me

youngblood

eaglach wrote: »

I'm not out, but one thing I'm afraid to lose is being "one of the lads".

All the time I'd be joking around with them saying stupid "thats what she said" jokes, commenting on women and things like that.

I don't want to lose that...

Oh man, that was me 2 years ago-
You WILL still have the craic with the lads-
you'll still make the same stupid jokes, half the time they wont even remember that your gay-as I occasionally get told " Jaysus, sure there's times when I forget your gay ha ha ha"

You've nothing to fear mate-chances are, if your close them, on some level they already know and sure they still hang round with ya, that wont change.

You've nothing to lose but your happiness

DJMG92

Miss nothing at all, Was weird at the start but now im much more closer to friends and family