Am I being mean and inconsiderate?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my BF for a couple of months now. We knew each other for quite a while before we started going out, and there were lots of things about him that attracted me to him. Things were fantastic until recently. He's started being very clingy and needy. Every message ( and there's a lot of them) ends with him saying he loves/ misses me. One day I just texted him twice, as I was run off my feet the whole day. He was apparently very worried about me because he didn't hear from me! Whenever we say goodbye, he asks me to send him lots of messages and emails. He also needs to hear me tell him how I feel about him all the time.

This is a major issue for me. I hate being under a feeling of obligation. Now, I feel like I have to check in with my BF all the time. He's not controlling, just constantly needs contact. I now text him more out of obligation and less because I feel the urge to.

I know relationships involve sacrifices and compromises, but I'm not sure this is a compromise I could handle. I've already talked to him about how it's a bit too intense and a little claustophobic. And he has been great and has genuinely tried to ease off and make me more comfortable. But I still get the sense that he needs me. It's not a responsibility that I'm comfortable with, at least not this early on in a relationship.

If this were any previous relationship I would have left by now, but this is not something I want to walk away from.

I think I need some objective observation on this one.

cafecolour

Good god OP, that would wreck my head. Neediness like that is a total turn-off for me TBH.

Is there anything else in his life that has changed recently that could be feeding into this? Lost a job? Stopped being socially active? Is depressed otherwise or anything?

Gyalist

confused cora wrote: »

This is a major issue for me. I hate being under a feeling of obligation. Now, I feel like I have to check in with my BF all the time. He's not controlling, just constantly needs contact. I now text him more out of obligation and less because I feel the urge to.

Actually, he is controlling you. He's manipulated you emotionally into the position where you feel that you have to be in constant contact with him. It's also unlikely that it's a change in his circumstances that is causing this behaviour. More likely is that he has become more relaxed around you and is revealing his true nature.

wayhey

I'd disagree with Gyalist that he's "controlling" you. I don't think that's your BF's aim from the information you've given us. I'd agree with cafecolour, that would drive me crazy. An ex-GF used to text me every night after a day at school then work. It was fine for the most part but we used to run out of stuff to talk about and all I wanted to do some nights was chill. So I know where you're coming from.

You've raised it with your BF and he laid off a bit. You say that "this is not something I want to walk away from." Perhaps you need some sort of ground rules to stop yourself freaking out? If you don't see much of each other then maybe set a regular time to see each other. Reassure your boyfriend that it isn't that you want a break or time-out, or any sort of break-up. Is he a little bit insecure? When you're with someone really great you could understand why it would be hard not to be afraid someone else "better" would recognise it and you lose out. Text him back some day if he texts you. "I'm too busy right now, I'm sorry but I'll talk to you at "x" like we arranged". Has your BF got many hobbies, etc. outside of your relationship? Maybe you could encourage him to get involved with something, introduce him to some other friends you have and something they're involved in? Generally our partners and friends come from similar backgrounds so maybe you could find something he could do once/twice a week. Less time to text you and something to talk about. Give him time to think about himself and take the focus off you too.

Anyway, that's just my rough take-up of it... just remember you shouldn't feel pressured into something you don't want but at the same time don't freak out over "commitment" or anything like that. I think it happens everyone in the early stages of any relationship. Good luck working it out!!

Barracudaincork

You have spoken to him about it, how long ago? People dont change overnight and have you given him much time to change to date?

I think he sounds sweet rather than controlling and you sound like your really into him, give him so time to see if he can wean himself off you a bit and just try and cope with how it makes you feel in the meantime, however if things dont change or get worse, readdress it with him again and take it from there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Again, I'm in agreement that this would wreck my head too. Any girl that I've ever been with seems to be like this. Eventually, I always end up leaving and moving on. You can't change him but you can change boyfriends!

Maguined

As long as you feel he is just being clingy and not jealous/controlling then just sit him down and try to explain to him that you find this level of constant communication a bit smothering and though you like him you need him to calm it down a bit for you to feel comfortable.

There is nothing mean or inconsiderate for you to wanting your own space and not feeling like you are constantly under surveillance and scrutiny. It will probably be tricky getting the right balance of communication without smothering between the two of you but as long as you are both open and honest about it then it should easily be doable.

Sinall

I went out with a guy like this for a couple of years. He hated it if I fell asleep facing away from him, or rolled over in my sleep so that I wasn't facing him. And like your boyfriend, he wanted to be told how I felt about him/reassured all the time. It gets very irritating to have to list exactly why you like someone on demand! We eventually broke up (not to do with this issue) but for him it was definitely a confidence thing. He needed to have more self confidence and not rely on me to reassure/compliment him all the time. I did talk to him about it and started off by explaining how much I liked him and why - so that he didn't take it as a break up conversation! It did help a bit and things did improve but that was just part of his personality, so it didn't go away altogether. It might be part of your boyfriend's personality too, so you might have to learn to put up with some level of it, but I understand how it makes you feel. I was fairly blunt when I said it to my ex but I said it nicely and paved the way for the conversation first, which made it easier.

Censorsh!t

I know where you're coming from.

My ex was like this too. He text me non stop eveyday, 24-7. And we ran out of things to say, so then he'd just keep telling me how he loved me and missed me. He also had to be reassured about how i felt a lot. And absolutely hated if I found an actor attractive. He would get worried in the night if I turned over with my back facing him too.
And it just got worse. He'd start sulking with me and guilting me if I didnt cuddle him all the time or if I didnt feel like being all over him. And it got worse and worse because it was such a turn off.
I told him about it, and he seemed to understand and promised he'd change, but got worse.
We broke up a few weeks ago, and this was a major reason. It felt like he needed me too much, and he also viewed me as being dependent on him, which I wasn't.

If he can change, then that's great, but for me, it got to a point where I was just completey turned off by his clinginess.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies!

It's actually a relief that most of them have a positive note to them

I talked to him about it a couple of weeks ago. It was a tough conversation but he understood. Problem is, is that he has just replaced one set of questions and needy behaviours with another.

He has recently started living on his own, after moving away from housemates. So I think there may be a lonliness aspect to it. I've tried to be considerate, but it's not his first time moving home and he's been there for a couple of months now. I lived on my own and loved it. Maybe it's different for him. I did try to be there for him whenever he was feeling a bit alone, but I wanted him to experience the move as an achievement for himself so I was careful not to be around him too much more than I would normally.

I had planned to set up a "you get to contact me twice a day, and only see me twice a week" kind of thing, but nights out with mutual friends etc would pop up and I don't like the idea of having to regiment a relationship.

I think one issue is that although he has a hobby a couple of nights a week, he doesn't have many other friends who are free to meet up. His two closest friends are mutual friends of ours (and they're married to each other!). A lot of his friends are married too, but so are mine and I see them regularly.

A couple of posters mentioned having nothing to talk about after all that contact. That's something that's worrying me too! After a day of texts back and forth he'll ask if he can ring me. My first thought is not excitement at getting to talk to him, but what the hell will we talk about?

He is normally a very confident person, and I found that very attractive. Before we started going out, he would talk for hours. He seems to have lost that confidence. If we don't speak for a while (in the car etc) he'll ask why I'm so quiet instead of making conversation himself. I don't want to lose the person I fell for.

Most of the time when we're together it's perfect, when we're just relaxed and having fun. So I think there is the potential to work through this. I really think he needs to focus on himself. It may sound strange, but I wish he was a bit more selfish!

Censorsh!t

confused cora wrote: »

. It may sound strange, but I wish he was a bit more selfish!

I don't find this strange to say at all, really, considering the situation you are in!
I also felt like this in my relationship, I really wished that he would have chosen friends over me sometimes...it does sound strange, but it felt like he was dropping absolutely everything and everyone for me! Which he did, as he completely stopped hanging out with his own friends!
I think it's something you'll have to fix very soon, and you will need to be tolerant and patient if you really want this to work. Because after a while, I found that I just couldnt stand it anymore, and my feelings had completely changed.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

Nip this in the bud OP! You are actually describing my boyfriend at the start of our relationship, word for word. I foolishly let it go & I guess was a bit chicken to bring it up too! But yeah, there'd be times we were meeting up and I'd be terribly anxious as to what the hell we were going to talk about.

You've done the first step by saying how its bothering you (it took me far too long to do that) but keep strong about it! It can be very easy to fall back into loads of texts. It could take him a while to break the habit but if you both like each other as much as it seems, you'll work through it!

LegacyUser

Censorsh!t, sounds like you know exactly what I'm going through! If this is a temporary thing then I think we can work through it. He seems to genuinely understand why I'm concerned and he has tried to improve. But if it's a personality trait that's just coming to the fore now, then I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle it long term. Particularly if it starts to get worse and he ends up putting me before everything else and losing friends over it. I believe that relationship, family, friends and self go in tandem, and none should seriously predominate the others.

The fact that he seems to realise what he's doing is a good sign in my opinion. Hopefully we'll figure out a balance we can both be happy with. I'm a bit worried that I'll start sound like the nagging GF if I bring it up everytime I feel uncomfortable!

LegacyUser

I was reading this and i was thinking so he needs constant contact - i seriously I don't think this is the issue here.
You are in a relationship and i myself would expect a very high level off contact and would get concerned if it wasn't happening.
OP what i do think you should be concerned about is the fact that you feel you run out of things to say .
When I am not with my OH we text each other during the day and call each other that night and talk for hours we never run out of things to say infact we don't seem to have enough time to say all things we want to .
We have been together 18 months and have lots to say to each other , on the phone by text, email and when we are together . I really do think you should be thinking about why you end up running out of things to say to each other . If you are compatible then there really shouldn't be an issue with this you should have lots to say to each other.
seriously if you don't feel the urge to contact him and feel obliged to do so? you should want to be with them and even when your busy you should want to pop a quick text and say' hi i miss you I am thinking about you ' this should really come from you if not then i am sorry but i can't see this working out

LegacyUser

Thanks for the post unreg23

I realise it does sound very bad that I'm worried about running out of things to talk about. Maybe I should have explained myself better! We can talk for hours, about everything and anything. In fact I felt comfortable talking with him almost since I first knew him, moreso than I would with some of my longterm friends. The issue now is what the conversations focus on. When we are together, we can talk and talk. But when we are txting, emailing, on the phone etc his main line is how he wishes he could talk to me in person. I'll talk about my day etc, ask him about his. He'll give a quick response and then say 'I miss you so much, can't wait to see you'. Then I talk, and he gives another similar response. Conversation killer! The relaxed banter is what I'm missing. Or even talking about serious issues beyond how we feel for each other. Our relationship can't be the focus of all conversations, and that's the way he's leaning at the moment. I find myself slightly bored of that conversation, but it always ends back there no matter what I start talking about.

On the level of contact, he's already told me he misses me 6 times today, called twice, and I'm meeting him for coffee later! I have no problem txting him during the day, but I would like the chance to instigate a txt every so often but he gets in contact so regularly that I'm always in the process of replying. On my own terms 2 - 3 txts to say hi and maybe an email or two if something interesting pops up, along with a phone call in the evening is plenty of contact particularly since we're both busy working and we see each other in person quite regularly.

Barracudaincork

unreg23 wrote: »

I was reading this and i was thinking so he needs constant contact - i seriously I don't think this is the issue here.
You are in a relationship and i myself would expect a very high level off contact and would get concerned if it wasn't happening.
OP what i do think you should be concerned about is the fact that you feel you run out of things to say .
When I am not with my OH we text each other during the day and call each other that night and talk for hours we never run out of things to say infact we don't seem to have enough time to say all things we want to .
We have been together 18 months and have lots to say to each other , on the phone by text, email and when we are together . I really do think you should be thinking about why you end up running out of things to say to each other . If you are compatible then there really shouldn't be an issue with this you should have lots to say to each other.
seriously if you don't feel the urge to contact him and feel obliged to do so? you should want to be with them and even when your busy you should want to pop a quick text and say' hi i miss you I am thinking about you ' this should really come from you if not then i am sorry but i can't see this working out

Above poster, many people will say you two are to co-dependent on each other and they couldnt see that working out, its a case of different strokes for different folks.

Op this may work for this poster and thats great for them, but its not the case for everyone or for the majority. I personally could talk the hind legs off a donkey and actually gave up speaking for one day to raise money for live aid (all those years ago) and i would find it hard to have the 10 texts/calls etc a day and say new stuff etc all the time.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Above poster, many people will say you two are to co-dependent on each other and they couldnt see that working out, its a case of different strokes for different folks.

Op this may work for this poster and thats great for them, but its not the case for everyone or for the majority. I personally could talk the hind legs off a donkey and actually gave up speaking for one day to raise money for live aid (all those years ago) and i would find it hard to have the 10 texts/calls etc a day and say new stuff etc all the time.

Thanks Barracuda! I've never been in a relationship where the other person wanted this much contact. I guess I just needed reassurance that I wasn't being mean thinkng it was too much. I talked to him about it yesterday, and just said that I find a couple of txts a day a comfortable level and that I wouldn't be able to maintain this high level of contact for long. I also made sure that he knew he could contact me if he was having a bad day etc, and just wanted to talk. But that it couldn't be an everyday thing. He seemed a little upset by it, but I think he understood that it doesn't mean I feel less about him.

The idea that he may be after a co-dependent relationship is a bit scary for me. It's definitely not something I would be comfortable with. I'm hoping that all the contact and his need for me to express my feelings way more than I normally would isn't indicative of dependency.