Confirmation i did the right thing

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Im a regular poster here but going unreg for this.

My boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up this morning, it wasnt the first time, but the last time it was only for a few days. Anyhow last night there is a party and a lot of drink was consumed, we had a great time together and no issues. This morning however, i woke up and needed to vomit straight away, without giving the gory details suffice to say i was violently sick. I get back into bed shaking, not breathing correctly and generally feeling a bit panicy with bad stomach pain, long story short i asked him to move over as i felt sick and needed to lie on my back, he just grunted and i had to ask him a good few times and eventually shouted move before he did.

I then explained i wasnt well and could he help me, he basically just grunted (so i know he was awake) this continued for about 5 other requests for help until i eventually said either help or get out of the bed. The whole thing was making me panic more for some reason and wasnt helping how i felt. He jumps out of bed, starts to put his clothes on etc shouting at me and gave a little tirade of abuse, saying he never wants to see me again. I said fine, grabbed his coat threw it down the hall and said i couldnt care less. At this stage i just wanted to calm down and breath right etc He left taking his stuff with him.

We spoke on the phone and i was the baddie for kicking him out of the house (i didnt, i asked him to leave the bed, there is another bed he could of slept in) and i of course retaliated with i cant believe you would treat me like that especially as i look after you when you are sick etc Long story short between a few calls i said i didnt want to be with him anymore and he seemed fine with that, if it wasnt something he alright had thought of.

This wasnt the only reason i didnt want to be with him anymore, so i emailed him and told him the truth that his drinking, his lack of respect for the country i come from and its traditions, he lied about seeing his ex (i dont mind him seeing her, i went to see her myself yesterday), and although the sex was good, my drive is higher and im more adventurous, were all reasons i didnt want to be with him. I felt like i got the record straight and took the power of it all back into my own hands, giving my reasons etc

I know i have done the right thing, im 35 and have been there so many times before, im not going to waste time on the wrong guy and i prefer being single.

A part of me just needs to get this all out and writing here has helped, another part of me is sad that its over as we did have good times etc and we had planned a future together, so much so we were moving countries next month together. I guess i just want to hear an unbiased view of it all, any thoughts?

Cheap Thrills!

Hi, just wondering if there was another bed there, how come you didn't use that to get into while you were feeling sick ?!

Your behaviour wasn't very nice to him. Just because he grunted doesn't mean he was awake. And also it wasn't his fault you were sick, you admit yourself too much drink was taken.

What could he have done for you, it sounds like you took out you being sick on your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Because the other bed is downstairs and i needed to be near the toilet which is off my bedroom (its my house, he lives with his Mum at the moment).

Granted i wasnt that nice to him in the end, but i was asking him nicely and he was awake, he grunts like that to answer questions like do you want a coffee etc all the time, so i know he was awake, not fully alert granted but awake enough. I admit i had a few drinks but it turns out a good few other non drinkers/ non drunk people were sick too yesterday and they now think its food poisioning, however self inflicted sick or not, people should look after each other.

He could of done a lot of things, starting with asking am i ok what do i need, water, a basin, tissues etc maybe even a hug, he couldnt stop the sickness of course but he could of showed concern.

I know it sounds like i took my sickness out on him, but thats so not the case, Im not a vendictive person and he would be the first to tell you that too. For me this was the last straw, i was sick of his drinking and the effects it would have on us, and all the others reasons i mentioned. Before you say well you drink too, yes i do and a bottle of wine is enough for me, a 1lt bottle of whiskey and 12 beers is enough for him, huge difference.

It wasnt meant to be and i have no regrets over this, yes he had his good points but the bad points where just with issues that i dont want in my life.

Thanks for your post, making me justify my actions has confirmed how i feel even more, so thanks for your help!

LegacyUser

kindasad wrote: »

This wasnt the only reason i didnt want to be with him anymore, so i emailed him and told him the truth that his drinking, his lack of respect for the country i come from and its traditions, he lied about seeing his ex (i dont mind him seeing her, i went to see her myself yesterday), and although the sex was good, my drive is higher and im more adventurous, were all reasons i didnt want to be with him. I felt like i got the record straight and took the power of it all back into my own hands, giving my reasons etc

What ever about what happened on that morning.

You had broken up, that should have been the end. But you felt you had to send him an email.Telling him everything that was wrong and bringing his sexual performance into it.

That was not taking the power into your hands. It was a nasty attack on him, because you felt he had gotten away too lightly. It really was a cheap shot. In my unbiased view if you're that petty and childish, he's had a lucky escape.

Motley Crue

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hi, just wondering if there was another bed there, how come you didn't use that to get into while you were feeling sick ?!

Your behaviour wasn't very nice to him. Just because he grunted doesn't mean he was awake. And also it wasn't his fault you were sick, you admit yourself too much drink was taken.

What could he have done for you, it sounds like you took out you being sick on your boyfriend.

Wow, you are so insensitive, this girl asks for help and feels frightened about being so sick and this guy grunts at her. He then totally over reacts and storms out of the house like a child because he is asked to get out of the bed. No, she shouldn't have drank so much, but he shouldn't have acted like a prat. This guy sounds like a moron, but OP, I guess you won't listen to anything you don't want to on this thread and in the end you'll make your own mind up...you will prob take him back because you'll feel in the wrong

But I gotta say, I feel he was in the wrong, and I don't think he should have blamed you at all. I was violently sick recently and it turned out to be a heart condition...what if my girlfriend had continued sleeping...I was told I could have died!

Balmed Out

Feeling sick doesnt give you the right to behave like that. From your side of the story he didnt react great either but that doesnt excuse you.

"This wasnt the only reason i didnt want to be with him anymore, so i emailed him and told him the truth that his drinking, his lack of respect for the country i come from and its traditions, he lied about seeing his ex (i dont mind him seeing her, i went to see her myself yesterday), and although the sex was good, my drive is higher and im more adventurous, were all reasons i didnt want to be with him. I felt like i got the record straight and took the power of it all back into my own hands, giving my reasons etc"

Wow thats so petty. By the power back in your own hands i presume you mean you got one last dig in at him. Whatever happened to its not you its me.

I dont want to be overly negative so I apologise its just reading your post doesnt make you out to be very nice which im sure is not the case. As for the relationship you dont seem overly upset so yeah probably all for the best. Strange that for such a short one ye had made plans to move abroad etc?

As an aside if you ever have breathing problems i imagine its something you would most definately want to see a doctor about.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

Gyalist

You seem to have justifiable grounds for not continuing the relationship but the email you sent to him was not only unnecessary, but pretty vindictive.

kindasad wrote: »

I know i have done the right thing, im 35 and have been there so many times before, im not going to waste time on the wrong guy and i prefer being single.

If, as you said, that you've been in this situation many times before, you need to spend some time examining why you attract/are attracted to that type of man.

LegacyUser

Op here.

I have been in relationships before not with the same type of men, i just know that when its over its over, i dont need to assess what type of men i attract, he was very very different to most men i have dated by far.

I emailed him as I wanted him to know the full story as to how i felt, it was a nicely worded email and wasnt mean to him at all, as for his sexual performance, this was something he was already aware of and it would of been no surprise to him. He had a chance to tell me how he felt on the phone but didnt listen to me, so emailing was my only option if not i would of never had my say and there is nothing vendictive about that.

I explained earlier why i didnt move to the other room and that he was indeed awake as this is how he is in the morning, he is selfish and that was the only reason he ignored me.

I also explained it wasnt just drink it turns out a lot of us have food poisioning, which would explain why i was so violently sick. Feeling sick doesnt give me a right to act like that i agree, being ignored after you say to someone something repeatingly does give me the right to ask him to get out of the bed (i never asked him to leave, that was him and his temper and after him shouting the place down, while i vomited in the bathroom).

As for taking him back, never, i am not the type of person who needs someone in their life so im happy to be alone and wont settle for just an ok relationship.

Barracudaincork

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hi, just wondering if there was another bed there, how come you didn't use that to get into while you were feeling sick ?!

Your behaviour wasn't very nice to him. Just because he grunted doesn't mean he was awake. And also it wasn't his fault you were sick, you admit yourself too much drink was taken.

What could he have done for you, it sounds like you took out you being sick on your boyfriend.

Oh come on very harsh, the girl was sick, have you ever been so sick your head is spinning etc there was a lot he could of done and it does sound like he totally ignored her, i dont think asking someone to help you is taking out being sick on someone, from my understanding she asked him to leave the bed after she asked him a few times to help her, can you not even see where he was in the wrong? Or that maybe he took having a hangover out on her?

OP i feel sorry for, i know people with drink problems and that can cause so much pressure on a relationship and bring such misery, you are brave to leave now and you wont regret it.

He sounds like someone who had a temper if he can shout at you while you are actually vomiting, no normal person would do that.

I think emailing was a good idea, sometimes when a relationship ends esp like that nobody knows the full reasons and sometimes they think it was just that one thing etc you have told him it wasnt and that pretty much gives him confirmation you wont get back together if he fixes that one thing. I dont think it was vindictive esp not as how you described in your last post, but that could be subjective

Barracudaincork

Gyalist wrote: »

If, as you said, that you've been in this situation many times before, you need to spend some time examining why you attract/are attracted to that type of man.

I took it that she wasnt new to break ups not that she always went for the same type of men. Thats what i would say after a break up, oh i have been here before and i will survive etc

Maguined

If the sickness was caused by food poisoning rather than drink then perhaps the boyfriend was not feeling the best himself?

It's hard to judge the exact situation as we are only hearing one side of the story but even this one sided version does not show the OP in the best of lights but either way its moot as you did not want to be in a relationship with him so looking for justification by how he acted that morning is not really needed.

LegacyUser

Maguined wrote: »

If the sickness was caused by food poisoning rather than drink then perhaps the boyfriend was not feeling the best himself?

It's hard to judge the exact situation as we are only hearing one side of the story but even this one sided version does not show the OP in the best of lights but either way its moot as you did not want to be in a relationship with him so looking for justification by how he acted that morning is not really needed.

He didnt get food poisoning as to use his words "im not a rabbit" so he doesnt eat salad or salad stuffs which is where we think it came from.

Im amazed im painted as the bad guy here, how can you think its acceptable for someone to ignore you as you tell them you are sick and to shout at you as you vomit etc i admit i wasnt Mrs Perfect but im not the baddie some posters here think. If you really think his behavior was acceptable then i question how you treat others and how you let people treat you.

The relationship had its issues, which we were working on etc but his treatment of me that morning made me realise that he isnt the man i want and he will never change.

Im not looking for justification for how he acted, i dont think he can justify it!!

peanuthead

Sounds to me from the first post, ie: from the way you both over-reacted that you are both really just sick of each other.

My advice - stop going on about it (in a nice way). Sounds like he doesn't want to be with you, you don't want to be with him. So that's that. I'm sure he's not even giving you or your behaviour a second thought, he's probably just glad to be rid of you!! Just like you are of him - no offence meant although I know it sounds blunt!

Maguined

I did not mean you were looking to justify his actions, i meant you are using his actions that morning to justify your ending of the relationship.

There are normally two sides to every story, it is easy to just read your post and call him a bad guy as he did not not you but that is because we are not hearing his side of the story so i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt ie treating him innocent until proven guilty. I do not think i could easily label his actions as making him selfish beyond reasonable doubt, if he was drinking heavily he could easily have had a very strong hangover and considering it was after a big party maybe the hangover affected his judgement when you told him you were feeling sick, from his point of view i think it could easily slip his mind that you meant you were feeling seriously ill and maybe he felt you were just complaining about being hungover so he was not treating it as serious, to him it could have been just a normal person complaining and looking for sympathy over another self inflicted hangover.

The above of course is all theoretical which is why we cannot justify or condemn his actions as we are not getting his side of the story. All we have is yours and from yours I would say there is no point in looking for justification for breaking up with him because of his behaviour, you either like the guy or not, in this case you do not and so you were right to end it with him though i don't think sending him the email detailing your reasons for disliking him was a healthy idea, it comes across more as trying to get the last dig in, if he came to you and asked for reasons fair enough he asked, but just sending him the email for your own reasons comes across as immature and is not probably good for you in the long run.

LegacyUser

No i didnt use his actions that morning to justify breaking up with him, it was a combination of things and that was the thing that broke the camels back, but the break up was on the cards anyhow.

He had never seen me hungover before, so he couldnt of mistaken it for normal hungover sickness.

Anyhow I have received an unexpected reply to my email, one which i was strangely thanked for! In his reply he admitted he was awake and he was in the wrong etc and that he wishes he could change things but he cant, he respects how i feel and is truly sorry he didnt treat me better etc He has left it open for me to go back there, but im not going to of course, i meant what i said and dont do things like that lightly.

Thanks for all your responses, case closed

LegacyUser

op again wrote: »

Anyhow I have received an unexpected reply to my email, one which i was strangely thanked for! In his reply he admitted he was awake and he was in the wrong etc and that he wishes he could change things but he cant, he respects how i feel and is truly sorry he didnt treat me better etc He has left it open for me to go back there, but im not going to of course

I really don't think he has any interest in getting back with you.

You did not like the fact that teh relationship ended so easily and he was not bothered by breaking up with you.

That is why you sent the "taking back the power email", the above is the second reference to you not going back to him.

There has been no offer to you, he is gone and probably delighted to be free of you.

LegacyUser

Err unless you wrote the email or have seen the email you have no idea what he said in his reply.

His email did ask me to rethink what i have done and he would do anything to get me back, but realises he cant change what he did and he respects how i feel, where you got your own notions from is beyond me, maybe you are speaking from your own personal experience and how someone dumped you, but you certainly arent speaking from mine.