I've changed for the worse

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster here but goin unreged as I don’t want my actions or issues link to my username. I hope this is ok.


I’d love to give you a ten thousand word essay about how I have come to where I am right now. But I don’t think me expanding on my past heartbreak and how it came about isn’t the issue I want to quiz you about. I feel sort of ruined. I have always been an uber confident, out going, fun loving gentleman. My lust for life and general optimism was always abundant. I truly believe the way I conducted myself with everyone and the way I viewed people and life was “without question” perfect. I got endless enjoyment doing the really nice things in life. Wooing women, helping old people, being a great friend to my friends you get the jist. I always saw the good, NO- make that the great, in everything and everyone. I guess what I’m trying to show is that I was happy and was content in the knowledge I was all of the above. I, with this vigor, hope and love I entered into a relationship with a girl I met at a party a few years back . Then over the next year and some months. Got to really know each other- held infinite faith and trust in each other-grew huge feelings for each other-did all the things people in a LTR do-fell in love. I never did a thing wrong and can hold my head high knowing that I know for a fact that the girl will never meet a guy who treated her as well as I did. Break up came about from her inability to offer the commitment we needed to continue our relationship. The girl was my all and I have no reason to be bitter. We broke up in October and this is not my issue. I’m not looking for a why or a what if? I know I’ll probably never see the girl again so boo hoo for me time to move on. But this is where I begin to possibly highlight why I am looking for your view on my position.

It is common knowledge that relationships, successful relationships/failed relationships, mould us and change us. Honestly I hate to sound as if I’m painting old me as a saint but after this happening I’m not half the man I used to be. It sounds dramatic but it’s true. I’m still the same shell, happy go lucky guy, still treating everyone with the respect and time they deserve. But inside I feel empty and I feel/know I’ve pretty much changed for the worst. I now look at everything as “bull****”,”why bother”, “what a f*ckin effort”. Used to be an epic optimist. Now I’m not some much a pessimist but my badge now reads -head out of the clouds realist-That really isn’t me? I really don’t feel like me anymore. Its as if my rosy romanticized view of life and people has been revealed for what it is. It is like I used to live “thumbs up” and now in my head everyone is getting flipped a middle finger.

I’ve done the whole one night stand thing with a handful of women (something that was always above me. Had more respect for myself and for women) and I have found that to be as fulfilling as eating cold pizza for breakfast. When you wake up in the morning look across to the other pillow and think what am I doing?- God I hate that person beside me,. Like on one such occasion I woke up in my place beside a girl after a night of it, having totally forget her name. My reaction was to rudely wake her up and tell her to leave. When kicking her out of the house she asked how does she get out of here. I, with detain spat out “turn left at door. Walk till you get to the main road 46A into town- now **** off”. At the time I knew actually what I did and it tore me to shreds that I could be such a prick. But looking back at it a few months later I laugh. I’ll never see the girl again! If she got hit by a car later that day, it makes very little difference to my life! Just a shallow notch on the bedpost and as with all these girls I have had carnal knowledge with they are all nothing but promiscuous wh*res.

I’ve also been on countless dates with girls I know were gorgeous and really nice and given the chance we’d definitely get on like a house on fire but I didn’t feel anything towards them(no kick in my step or butterflies in stomach) bar thinking they were nothing but “midway-esque moaning ugly bitches” who really aren’t worth an ounce of my energy and efforts. I’m just numb towards everything. I’ve seemedly lost faith in people. Like I said I used to see the good in everything/everyone now I honestly don’t give a toss about anyone bar myself(which really ain’t me). I now know when ya hear all the “I love you”s, the I can see “myself having kids with you”s, “you are an amazing guy”, the “god we are great together”s. These all fall under the paint by numbers bull**** people will tell you when you pass certain times in a relationship. I said the same and meant every word of it. I feel I have said enough.

Am I now destined to be this cynical F the world realist asshole from now on? Without being extremely rude. If you come out with the “ah you will find someone and fall again?” line. I’ll instantly call you a pack of stupid patronising c*nt. (I really ashamed I say such a thing but I mean this 100%) Like I said I’m still the same me outside. But this new ethos I hold inside is burning away at me. Tis like I said I want my old mile wide grin back. When will stuff be funny again? I used to look at couples with joy and happiness. Thinking its beautiful the two people have each other. Now I just think in my head “You sad delusional idiots”. That’s not right!!! I've seen a countless threads from burnt out people and I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for?

Thanks for allowing me a forum,

Please excuse if I come across as rude but it is my new little angry man thing I guess

krustydoyle

Why has the break up of your previous relationship effected you in such a negative way? All that anger inside yourself should of been vented towards your ex girlfriend.. does she know your like this after your break up? i`ve felt that way after breaking up with a girl but not with such anger and hostility you seem to be going through now.. Hope you feel better soon..

unhappycamper

You sound like your not giving yourself any credit whatsoever. Relax about everything and you will be noticed by ladies that give you butterflies, trust me on this. You give off a terribly complicated vibe when in truth happiness and openness is simple to practice. You just have to stop thinking about the past and enjoy the present for what it is. You don't have to sleep around and make excuses about it. Just start a fresh from here and open yourself to learning new things and having new experiences and the rest will fall into place. In other words, stop thinking you have yourself worked out when the ever evolving you is unpredictable and ever changing. God you would swear you know everything about life the length of your post.

flahavaj

I think the break up with the last missus has affected you far more than you are letting on/realise.

You say you have moved on from the last gf, but its obvious to me you're depressed and are showing all the signs of it: looking to fill the void with one noght stands, not caring about the way you treat others etc etc.

I would say talk to someone. You obviously want help/to talk to someone or you wouldn't have posted here. If theres not a friend or family member you feel comfortable enough talking to you should seek a professional or something like the Samaritans.

Auldloon

I stopped reading after this bit
"with all these girls I have had carnal knowledge with they are all nothing but promiscuous wh*res"

Silverfish

Chuileog, if you have nothing to actually contribute then please don't post.

Thank you.

curehead

great post man very refreshing ' at least you are truthful and honest and that's all you can be. yeah life IS ****e and relationships are idiotic .I don't have any answers and you don't want any anyway . welcome to the cynical brigade .

AdmiralRazor

Hey numby.

It looks to me that your ex-girlfriend (for lack of a better term) broke your spirit. Sometimes the ending of a relationship, especially one of signifigance, is toxic; it can spread poison right through you.

Rather than lament your old optimism, have you thought about maybe incorporating it into your relatively newfound hyper-cynical nature? If you can't go back, move forward.

KillerKity

OP You sound like me (well, minus one night stands) In short I was once a great person to be around, something happened and I turned pretty toxic, everyone are as*holes and all that. Even two years into my relationship I was still this crappy person. BUT again something changed in me, not sure what but I'm pre-toxic again, feeling good and focusing on the positive while forgetting the crap. Hey, if it happened for me who knows it might happen to you.

LegacyUser

You had one set back, were a girl broke up with you and this has changed your whole out look on life. Relationship end ever second of ever day, most people are hurt but pick themselves up and get on with life.
Your post sounds like someone who has too high an opinion of themselves and too much time on their hands, you need to grow up.

LegacyUser

Ive tears in my eyes after reading your post. I had one similar here a few weeks ago but you articulated feelings in your post so much better. I am feeling identical to you at the moment.
I am female. The last relationship I had did not end well - it was completely toxic and poison and it too has spread though me. I have not had any male interaction since though - I can even look at another man at the moment - go so far as to say I despise men after what ex did to me. In the end I never had a forum to voice my opinion and roar at him all the hateful stuff I had in me which he deserved to hear. I think that is one thing wrong with me. Its given power to a "little angry woman" in me - which, like you said, is burning away in me.
I am one of these people if someone was to know me they'd say "isnt she doing well for herself". I have good social life, friends , I have lots of money, am good looking, good health, well educated (please dont call me names - I know the positives to my life - I didnt say this to be big headed). Id trade most of these things to have my head in the corrected mind set.
I am suffering big time in my head - I dont think its depression. I think its just blind white anger burning inside me. I have had failed relationships before but its harder to get back up the more you fall. I am sick of feeling like this. Sick of it. I keep thinking it will pass. Maybe it will...I dont know.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I have the exact same thing going on in my life with my perceptions of love, and who I morphed into after being dumped, (I also have an AWFUL lot more going on in my life), but I am slowly but surely getting over it, and regaining my optimism.

I was dumped in October, and except for a big fight in February, I have had no contact with her whatsoever. I felt down, I felt cynical too. There were times when I felt like I couldn't shake off the toxic feeling of not being myself again.

It is important for you to realize that this is somewhat normal. You have had your heart broken, and you are putting up your defenses. If one-night stands aren't working for you, then don't use them to substitute for what you had.

Time, and openness will heal everything. Forgive yourself for falling in love, and forgive her for her choices. Approach everything with a smile.

I've been there, and you couldn't be in a worse position than I.