Of Iron and Fire

Klingon Hamlet

ACT I



The forest is white with snow. The deer stands in the centre, grazing silently. The trees surround it like black and white sentinels.



A boy, covered in furs, is crouched behind one cluster of trees, clutching his satchel. His satchel is stuffed with arrows. Beside him stands a long wooden bow. The boy is trembling with the cold, and with fear.



To kill this deer would hurt his soul.



To fail would hurt his father.

Boy (reciting):

Aim low. Raise your bow.

Boy takes the bow, locks in an arrow, and takes aim.


The deer continues to eat, oblivious.

Boy (reciting):

Target the skull: the quickest kill.

The boy pulls the arrow back, hands trembling as the tension builds.

Boy (reciting):

Release!

The deer looks up.



The boy gasps--raises his bow as the arrow flies, sending it skyward.



The deer freezes, then flees.



Silence.



The boy looks to his feet, crouches again, shaking his head. Relieved and aggrieved.



Clapping, coming from one side: his father, approaching.

Father:

You flinched. You gave away your position.

If that deer were your enemy, you would be dead.

Boy looks up, ashamed.

Boy:

Yes, Father.

Father crouches down with him.

Father:

The enemy has a heart like yours, a mind like yours. But they are still your enemy.

Kill them without hesitation. They would do the same, given half the chance.

Father raises a finger, points it at his son’s heart like an arrow.

Boy:

Yes, Father.

Father bristles, gets up.

Father:

Ryad (the Boy’s name), you’re not a child anymore.

Say what you think, what you mean.

Ryad averts his gaze.

Ryad:

The deer is not my enemy, Father. I do not wish to kill it.

Father:

The deer is prey, Ryad. It is food. It would die for a purpose.

I will bring its death, if you will not. Will it come to that?

Ryad (hesitates):

I will bring its death Father.

Father:

Good! Let’s go, while the sun stays high!

Transition: an hour has passed.



Ryad has his bow and arrow pointed right at us, eyes wet, teeth bared.


His father crouches behind him, pats his shoulder.

Father:

Make me proud.

Ryad releases the arrow, looks away, tears flowing freely.


Father smiles, oblivious, face red with pleasure.

pickarooney

I like the layout, like visual surround-sound.

First line, rather than "The [..] The [...] The [...]," I think "The forest.../A deer/...Trees" would fit better.

How about "clutching a satchel full of arrows, a long wooden bow beside him" instead of repeating "satchel" and using three short sentences?

"Skull" and "kill" don't rhyme (unless you're in New Zealand). The reader will expect a rhyme for the mnemonic to work.

"The enemy has a heart like yours, a mind like yours. But they are still your enemy."
Has/are - number mismatch. Is the boy really supposed to believe the deer would kill him or is it representative of a more dangerous foe?

I'm not sue I get the end. Is the deer suddnely narratign or has the boy started aiming for something or someone else? Or is "us" just stage-front, towards the audience?

Klingon Hamlet

pickarooney wrote: »

I like the layout, like visual surround-sound.

First line, rather than "The [..] The [...] The [...]," I think "The forest.../A deer/...Trees" would fit better.

How about "clutching a satchel full of arrows, a long wooden bow beside him" instead of repeating "satchel" and using three short sentences?

"Skull" and "kill" don't rhyme (unless you're in New Zealand). The reader will expect a rhyme for the mnemonic to work.

"The enemy has a heart like yours, a mind like yours. But they are still your enemy."
Has/are - number mismatch. Is the boy really supposed to believe the deer would kill him or is it representative of a more dangerous foe?

I'm not sue I get the end. Is the deer suddnely narratign or has the boy started aiming for something or someone else? Or is "us" just stage-front, towards the audience?

He has the weapon at us, to make his final decision more personal.We feel the deer's fear, and we also see Ryad's hesitation, his pain as he does what his father wants.

davyjose

I thought it was excellent. Can't wait to read more.

one issue is this:

To kill this deer would hurt his soul.



To fail would hurt his father.

In a play, this has to be conveyed through dialogue, or (more difficultly) through action. The audience has no way of knowing what they don't see or hear. But I honestly thought the rest was of excellent quality.