Am I broken?

LegacyUser

I don't know if I'm just thinking about things too much or whatever, but I wanted to get some opinions from people who've more experience than me.

I haven't had much luck with women over the years, mostly due to my low self esteem, lack of confidence and I feel my weight is a limiting factor too.

Things had been fairly barren until I met a girl from an internet dating site in 2008. We chatted for a right while on instant message thingy (at least two months) and swapped pics early on. It took quite a while to get her number and we ended up meeting the day after we first spoke on the phone. I liked her quite a bit but she kept flipping between not wanting a bf, to just wanting to be friends, to kind of wanting more. It sort of did my head in but because I liked her, I kind of held on hoping things would work. I remember I'd be looking forward to getting emails or texts or phone calls from her. Eventually though she decided on the just friends thing and I was pretty gutted, especially when she started to see some other guy about 2 weeks later. She wanted us to stay friends but after giving it a while I effectively told her we couldn't be friends. It's been over a year since I last heard from her and I have no problem with that as I don't want to hear from her again.

After that I went on quite a few dates with girls from internet dating sites and I also started going out a lot. Just after Christmas this year I met a girl again from an internet dating site. We got on well and were seeing each other for about a month or so but it came to an end. I kind of liked her but I wasn't mad into her and I noticed my feelings weren't really developing at all. As a result things in the bedroom were malfunctioning too and I suspect a big part of that was because I was unsure of how I felt.

That ended around the middle of February and earlier this week, I met another girl. I was bored one night and was in a chat room on the net (not a dating site or anything) and got talking to her. Turned out she lived in the same city as me so we started chatting. We swapped numbers and had just been texting a bit and chatting on instant messenger a bit too, but not very much.

We decided to meet up and I had to cancel the first meeting as I was feeling a bit off that day. We re-arranged to meet this week and beforehand, I was very ambivalent about meeting up. I've been like that about a lot of things recently, not just women. I went to the doctor before Christmas as I thought I was suffering from depression. It turns out I'm not clinically depressed, but he said there was potential to become that. But I know I've been feeling very ambivalent and generally uninterested in a lot of things recently. He also suggested I go speak to someone about my low self esteem and low confidence. I haven't done so yet.

Anyway I decided to go ahead and meet her as I knew if I cancelled again, that would be bad form. Like I said I was very ambivalent about the whole thing. We'd text'd a bit and stuff but that was the height of it so I suppose to a certain extent, I knew very little about her.

When I met her I thought she seemed more attractive than she looked in the pic that she sent me, which isn't a bad thing obviously. Initially I had only planned to stay for one or two drinks but we got on well enough and had no awkward silences and before I knew it, it was closing time. We said good night and we went our seperate ways. I couldn't tell if she was interested or not so I didn't make a move.

We texted a bit afterwards and it turns out she was interested so I know where I stand now. We met up again last night for a while and chatted a bit. Nothing happened but when she left I gave her a quick kiss which was reciprocated. From the texting after our first night out, I knew she wasn't going to reject it.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I don't know how much I like her. Like I say I'm pretty inexperienced at these things but shouldn't I be all excited at this point and be hoping and waiting for her to call or something? Or does that come later?

I'm at the point where I'm not sitting here waiting for her to get in touch, so I suppose you could say I'm fairly relaxed/indifferent about whether she gets in touch.

I guess I'm comparing things a little to how it was with that girl back in 2008, although I'd been talking to her most nights on the instant message thing for a couple of months before we even spoke and I suppose to be honest, I was initially more attracted to her physically than with the girl I met the other night.

I suppose I'm just wondering if I'm thinking about all this too much. Like I say I'm not sure how these things are supposed to go, or how soon I'm supposed to start getting excited about things. Initially, I'm quite a bit more attracted to her than I was to the girl I met after Christmas. But that sort of came to a slightly awkward and not so nice end and I'm keen to avoid a repeat.

I'm insane for over thinking things but at the same time, I don't want to be leading her on. I don't think I am, I'm not forcing myself to feel attracted to her or anything. I suppose my main doubts are just that I'm feeling a bit ambivalent at the moment. But at the same time, I only met her a couple of days ago so perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon? I'm not looking to run away and get married or something. I suppose I just want to avoid the situation where I'm mainly interested in her just because she's interested in me.

I suppose I'm also wondering if somehow, the situation with the girl back in 2008 has left some lingering emotional damage that I'm not aware of. I'm no longer interested in her but I suppose judging by the fact that I still don't want to speak to her or anything, maybe suggests that I'm still a bit annoyed or angry over how things went.

I don't want to sabotage or give up because I'm just feeling ambivalent about everything, but like I said, I want to avoid the situation that occurred with the girl I met after Christmas. I remember when I kissed the girl I met after Christmas for the first time and not really feeling any sparks or electricity (am I even supposed to?) or anything, but it had been so long since I last kissed a girl at that stage (8-10 years) I felt I should give things a chance first. Even in the subsequent occasions where we met up, I didn't really feel any electricity or sparks or anything when we kissed.

Sorry if this seems a bit waffly and all over the place. I suppose I'd just like some thoughts and experiences from other people.

How soon after meeting someone does stuff start to develop? Should I just relax and see how things go? Like I say it's only been two days since we met, but I suppose I'm just wondering if I should be a bit more invested/excited about things than I am.

Thanks for reading.

Taltos

Maybe you really are just over thinking things...
Seems like your brain is stuck in a loop over 2008...

As you have just met this new girl - why not take it slowly. Plan a few days out and get to know each other. Judge this relationship on its own merits - not on what happened with someone else- the reason is it is unfair on this girl to be lumbered with your BAGGAGE...

So take it slowly - but why wait for a call?
Why not call her and do something interesting during the day so you can each get to know each other better.

Who knows she might have her own baggage too. And as to 2008 - her loss mate

LegacyUser

maybe because you couldnt and cant get the girl in 2008, she is very special to you?!

if in this stage, u dont have the spark with this gal, dont start anything with her. be fair to her. and see whether the spark will come later. give yourself more time to know her better maybe a good idea and meanwhile be honest with her that you prefer to stay friend for a period of time and see how things go and whether it's good to move to another stage.