Boyfriend still on dating/hook up sites after 3 months

hollypolly

We met through a dating site about three months ago. I'm 27 and he's 30. I deleted my account after the first few dates and he said he was doing the same. We have had the begginings of a great relationship...he treats me so well, buys me little gifts, pays for everything as I'm not working, encourages my studying and is very attentive to me. He has even paid for an expensive holiday for us at the end of May. Although I've told him these material things aren't important to me he maintains that there are certain things a man should pay for. He told me that he loved me a few weeks ago. His grandmother had died and I couldn't go to the funeral. He poured his heart out to me on the phone and said how much he missed me when I wasn't there. Soon after he brought me to meet his parents and we regularly meet up with them.

While he was out playing football last week I was messing around on his computer and innocently checked the history hoping to tease him over porn or something. I was nearly sick when I saw that he'd been on a couple of dating sites that week. He hadn't logged out so I saw the last message he sent to someone (she was in a different country) giving her his phone number and asking for sexy pics. The message was dated 6 weeks after we first met. There were no messages since and his subscription has been canceled but fact is, he was on there looking at profiles in the past week and he had been doing it for a few days in a row. He was also on camgirl sites. I don't mind porn at all, in fact I'd watch it with him but a one to one session with someone offends me even if it is only virtual and can never lead to a relationship.

I confronted him about the dating site message and he initially blamed his brother until I said he could prove it to me by logging back into the account and proving the phone number wasn't his. He obviously had to admit it then. I told him it was over as I saw this as cheating and he begged me to forgive him saying that he was being a fool and had never or would never cheat on me. Said he was looking at profiles out of boredom and hasn’t sent any messages since realising he was in love with me. He said that was the one and only message he sent. I'm giving him another chance. He's told me what other sites he'd been on, one of them being a sex hook up site that he joined before he met me and that he would delete them. I searched for him and he has deleted some but not all of them. He has no info on them, no pic and as far as I know he doesn't have any subscriptions but I could be wrong because I can't access the profiles myself without a subscription. I want to trust him but I'm very hurt by this. I don’t understand why he won’t just delete them all after telling me he would. I refuse to be a stalker checking up on him all the time cause it would wreak my own head.

The night before I saw these webpages I tried to talk to him about spicing up our sex life. For me it's a little dull and predictable which is wrong for a new relationship and we don't have sex enough. He just doesn't seem that horny and I have to initiate sex a lot. I'm really baffled here...he seems like a horn bag on the internet but not with me. I know he finds me very attractive so I don't think that's a problem.

Any advice?

SarahSassy

You are not being paranoid.. He told you he would delete them and he didnt... I personally, having been in the same boat as you before, would no longer trust him. He lied about the message and tried to blame his brother so what else would he lie about.

hollypolly

That is playing on my mind a lot. The fact that he denyed being on the site and only admited it when I asked him to prove it. For God's sake I saw it with my own eyes and it was the same site I met him on so he should have come clean straight away.

When I brought the subject up again yesterday asking him to reassure me face to face he flipped out saying I'll never trust him and he didn't want to feel he was being spied on all the time.

I'm doubting my decision to give him a second chance.

SarahSassy

You neeed to go with yoru gut not your heart! I wasted 2 years of my life going with my heart and in the end, when I faced him down with evidence he walked out the door, let me move out of his home and his life without a backward glance and he was back on the dating site (if he was ever off it) within 2 weeks of me leaving... Ironically, that make it easier to get over him.

hollypolly

Did you catch your boyfriend a few times? If so how?

I'm not the type to spy on people but his behavior is making me want to check up on him all the time. I wont go back onto the sites for my own mental health but it seems the only way I'll know for sure if he's back on them.

SarahSassy

I dont really want to go into it but if you are not normally a snoop, spy and normally have trust in a relationship and this is the way you are feeling now then you know its wrong.

You should have peace of heart and mind and you dont have it with this guy... Each one has to make a decision for themselves but for me peace of mind is not negotiable.

hollypolly

Thanks Sarah. I know in my heart it's wrong...I've been having sleepless nights over it and completely lost my appetite. I'm an open book and I expect to share a relationship with somebody who thinks the same way. I thought he was an honest and open person but I was obviously wrong.

SarahSassy

I know what its like but just remembe he told you a bare faced lie... My ex did the same to me and I just never stopped wondering what else he was lying about...

Its your choice, mark it down to experience and move on and find someone honourable or stay with him and jump every time he gets a text. Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

mobilecore

Hollypolly, dump him and dont look back.


I am trying my hardest not to write a big long bit so i'll see how big it ends up being :P

(this applies to anyone) If you are dating someone who still actively uses social networking sites (tagged, myspace etc) or even dating sites. that screams out he is either not that interested or wants to have his cake and eat it.

Either way you must dump him. I've seen this happen before. This is a clear indication to what will come. You have no future with this man. If you make the mistake of "forgiving him" one of the two will happen very soon in your future:

1, He will cheat. If he is doing this early on... speaks volumes. If not with a girl from one of these sites even on a night out. He spoke his intention. react on it. You will kick yourself for not reacting on it. He will cheat.

2, Obviously you will not trust him after this. no one could in your situation. But what might happen is he'll make an issue of your distrust. Which he earned. Bringing about the end. Making you feel like you caused the breakup. While in reality you were dating a man who didnt care about you, who was going to cheat on you. This would just f**k your head up for a month or two until you realise.

Act on it hun.
Alot of people have been in your shoes.

Ickle Magoo

hollypolly wrote: »

Thanks Sarah. I know in my heart it's wrong...I've been having sleepless nights over it and completely lost my appetite. I'm an open book and I expect to share a relationship with somebody who thinks the same way. I thought he was an honest and open person but I was obviously wrong.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship looking over your shoulder, getting stressed and paranoid over everything. Your relationship was brand new and he considered it of so little importance that he lies to your face about deleting profiles and actually goes on to contact other women...

I'd chalk it up to experience and move on. There are plenty of people in the world, why settle for one who finds it so easy to lie to you and had every intention of cheating?

Best of luck

MissHoneyBun

I know it's hard to accept OP and you're probably feeling very hurt and upset at the moment but I think the other posters here are probably right. It's not easy for you to deal with your boyfriend betraying your trust so blatantly but it seems the worst thing for you though and often for most women is probably the lies.

Your boyfriend had the choice to man up and confess but instead he took the spineless route and told lies in order to save his own skin. His cowardly response just highlights his blatant disregard for you and the fact that he will willingly hurt you in order to try and redeem himself. I don't think any girl would want to be with somebody so selfish.

Sorry OP

hollypolly

Thanks for all of the advice. I checked all of his online accounts and they have been deleted. It still doesn't take away from the fact that he lied to me though and there's nothing stopping him from setting up accounts again in the future. I don't want to spend my whole life checking up on someone...I couldn't deal with that so I may call it a day.

SarahSassy

hollypolly wrote: »

there's nothing stopping him from setting up accounts again in the future.

There is no future when you think like this.. You will only torture yourself.

Miranda7

If you don't trust him dump him. The real problem with the internet is that it makes it easier to cheat and many men (I'm married to one) do. You don't want to be a spy but if you stay with him you will be tempted to become one - it is only natural. Dump him. There are plenty fish in the sea. Or better still stay with him until you find another guy, God knows he has no qualms about looking around when he is with you.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your situation, it doesn't sound good alright. Im in a similar situation actually - been seeing a guy for three months. Met him online and hes still online on the site a couple of times a day. We havent had an exclusve talk yet and I know hes not seeing anyone else and in every other way hes very nice. Dont want to ask him to get off the site but dont know what to do either.

Sorry I know this is off tangent on yours. It sounds like you did the right thing I suppose the fact he lied about it was the worst thing.