Boyfriend Advice needed :)

JajaD

Hi, thought someone could help me out a little:)

Me and my boyfriend are going out with each other for 7 months now. He has wanted me as his girlfriend for years, and eventually, we go together We love each other very much.

Before we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend, i said (and i know i shouldnt have) that this guy that i knew was "dreamy". I was messing really. That was forgotten about. After 3 months of going out, the lad that i called dreamy his band were playing, and as i know the band very well, and used to be in, were playing and i wanted to go to the gig. This caused a bit of hassle as he was sensitive on the thoughts of me going to a gig in which a lad i thought was dreamy was playing at. I didnt go, and have since not been to their gigs coz i dont wanna cause hassle.

Last nite, they were playing in town and me and my boyf and our mates were out in town just up the road from the gig. Our mate that was out with us wanted to go to the gig with her friend, but my boyfriend heard this, and i could see it in his face that he was getting worried that i might go. We ended up not going. Then a few mins later, my boyf asked my mate who knows the guy in the band aswell, if she knew if i liked the band guy. My mate said to him, bascially, that whatever that has happened in my life, has nothing got to do with our relationship now.

I have said to my boyf at the start of the relationship that i dont like him and only ever thought of him as a good musician, 3 months later i told him again that i dont like him, and now 7 months later (last nite) i had to tell him again.

Why wont he believe me? He says that he loves me, which i know he does, but he says theres somthing in the back of his mind that is telling him that i do like this guy in some way.

Any advice? Be honest!

minidazzler

Your boyfriend is being paranoid for no reason. You are allowed to be attracted to whoever you want, it doesn't mean you will act on it.

Don't feel like the bad guy here, he is acting all upset so you won't go to friends' gigs. He should feel like the bad guy.

I am sure he has been attracted to other girls, why would be assume you are only attracted to him? Is being with him not enough?

L.Jenkins

JajaD wrote: »

Why wont he believe me? He says that he loves me, which i know he does, but he says theres somthing in the back of his mind that is telling him that i do like this guy in some way.

You have seeded his paranoia by stating he was dreamy! You just answered that question, your boyfriend thinks you still like the fella.

Ickle Magoo

It's unrealistic for your boyfriend to expect you to avoid every person you find attractive. In fact, it's all a bit controlling and reeks of insecurity.

I think you need to sit him down and spell out how unreasonable he's being. Doesn't he find any other person he knows attractive? Does it mean he wants anything to happen? Perhaps putting the boot on the other foot will help him see sense, otherwise he's just going to have to face up to his own issues with insecurity.

Tbh, I'd be really angry if my partner had so little faith that I wouldn't immediately cheat on him that his face started tripping him at the mere thought of me being in the same room a guy I once called dreamy and three times stated I wasn't interested in, I'd be telling him to cop on asap if he wanted the relationship to continue.

Best of luck.

Snowie

blatent insecuritys not helped bye the fact you told him and hes liked you for so long .... in fairness I wouldnt say hes a bad person. He may feel slightly threatined bye the other dude.
Tho its sounds like he cant let it go and has it stuck in his head... Maybe theres some jelousy from the past mixed in there to.... he seems to forget hes holding your hand and kissing you...

if he can't except that your not interested in him then well, hes gonna keep pushing. He could unkowingly sabotage your reletionship. Because he thinks to much.

tweety_bird

It seems as if your bf is jelous of this other guy. Guys tend to measure themselves against others and this may be the case. He doesnt like the fact that you want to see this guy's band and IMO doesnt have the right to make you feel guilty for wanting to see the band.

If i were you I'd just explaint to you OH that you are with him. Only him. Some guys need more assurance than others, i hope everything works out for you two.

Limerickgal82

You need to sit down and have a chat with your boyfriend ! Your allowed think someone is good looking but he needs to know that this doesn't mean that your going to start a relationship with this guy !! It could be a sign of what he will be like in the future and to be a honest a jealous partner is not what you should be aiming for:( Good Luck

JajaD

Oh sorry, I forgot to say when my boyf asked me if i liked him months ago for the first time, I went bright red and had to hide my face because I went so red. Dya reckon this has anything to do with him thinking like that?

Ickle Magoo

I don't think it really matters. It comes down to whether he trusts you or he thinks you are lying to his face when you say you aren't going to cheat on him with this guy or anyone else for that matter...

gavney1

Well, first off OP, you made a mistake by telling your bf that you think that someone you know is dreamy. It's not a big mistake, but you're better off not saying it. I think it's a mistake that nearly everyone in a relationship has made btw ( I know I have). Just think about it - you have absolutely NOTHING positive to gain from saying it, he won't find it funny, he's NOT one of your girl friends, so just don't say it.

Now, there's a big difference between saying "Brad Pitt is dreamy" and "this guy I know is dreamy". Obviously your bf knows that Brad Pitt lives in Hollywood and it's unlikely you'll ever get together (sorry!), so he's not going to get as jealous. I don't see the point of saying it anyway though.

I don't think anyone in the history of relationships has ever appreciated their OH saying that they find someone else attractive. Of course some people aren't particularly bothered, some are, but you WILL GAIN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BY SAYING IT SO WHY DO IT? (again, im not judging you, im just giving advice as I've made the same mistake and been on the receiving end of the same mistake).

So, what to do from here? I'd say, say it to your bf again, make it as clear as possible - even tell him that you've avoided going to this guy's gigs in the past because of it.

And look on the brightside - a little bit of jealousy (and i stress "little) is a good sign that he loves you.

Chinafoot

JajaD wrote: »

Before we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend, i said (and i know i shouldnt have) that this guy that i knew was "dreamy". I was messing really. That was forgotten about.

Good lord, can people actually read what this girl wrote. She said this other guy was "dreamy" before she was in a relationship with her current boyfriend. I'm assuming they were friends at the time, so why the hell shouldn't she pass comment on who she finds attractive? Should we never pass comment in front of any of our male friends just in case at some point in the future we get into a relationship with them and then have to cope with ridiculous paranoia.

OP, you did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous and to be perfectly honest, if it was me I would be extrememly annoyed that my boyfriend went to one of my friends to ask them a question like that. He needs to cop on to himself. You passed comment in a jokey way that someone was attractive before you started seeing your boyfriend. His insecurities are his own and you should tell him that.

gavney1

Chinafoot wrote: »

Good lord, can people actually read what this girl wrote. She said this other guy was "dreamy" before she was in a relationship with her current boyfriend. I.

actually, completely missed that. Sorry OP, I completely retract my post:o

I don't think you've done anything wrong. It sounds like your bf is being immature

amdublin

It sounds like you are both being immature.

I suggest if it comes up again as conversation you tell your bf you are sick of silly conversation, that you are with him for a reason and no one else.

And then in future don't refer to other people as "dreamy" - it is not an appropriate thing to do to your OH (very different to saying Brad Pitt is dreamy)

amdublin

amdublin wrote: »

And then in future don't refer to other people as "dreamy" - it is not an appropriate thing to do to your OH (very different to saying Brad Pitt is dreamy)

She didn't say it to her OH!! she said it to a friend who would later become her OH!!

SarahSassy

bluewolf wrote: »

She didn't say it to her OH!! she said it to a friend who would later become her OH!!

+1

OP your boyfriend appears freakishly possessive.. Is it only this guy he has an issue with?