Male friend likes me but I don't feel the same

LegacyUser

A long term relationship ended a few weeks ago. Recently a male friend asked me out (knowing I was now newly single). I don't feel the same (and told him so). Now I don't know how things can be 'normal' again. I've known him for less than a year and I think he's great but I'll just never like him as more than a friend. I feel that he has up-scuttled the friendship pointlessly. I never led him on or anything like that. It came as a surprise.

After my previous relationship, I can't see myself being with anyone else for a long time. I need time on my own. If anyone has been in a similar situation, do things eventually go back to normal?. I feel really bad for my male friend as it takes courage to ask someone out. I just wish I knew an easy solution to make everything not weird (I see the guy every day at college). The majority of the time I become really good friends with a guy they always want more. I really wish this did not happen as I keep losing friends over it.

dblennon

whatonearth wrote: »

A long term relationship ended a few weeks ago. Recently a male friend asked me out (knowing I was now newly single). I don't feel the same (and told him so). Now I don't know how things can be 'normal' again. I've known him for less than a year and I think he's great but I'll just never like him as more than a friend. I feel that he has up-scuttled the friendship pointlessly. I never led him on or anything like that. It came as a surprise.

After my previous relationship, I can't see myself being with anyone else for a long time. I need time on my own. If anyone has been in a similar situation, do things eventually go back to normal?. I feel really bad for my male friend as it takes courage to ask someone out. I just wish I knew an easy solution to make everything not weird (I see the guy every day at college). The majority of the time I become really good friends with a guy they always want more. I really wish this did not happen as I keep losing friends over it.

Sorry to be bearer of bad news but if your good looking and sound.
IE find it easy to make friends with guys, the majority are going to have feelings for you, this does not mean that you can't be friends with them after a polite let down but the guy needs to be fairly secure.

IMO (below)
The best way to keep the friendship going is to be mercilessly take the piss out of him in frienly company so that it becomes a running joke in the group rather than a big deal that both sides feel awkward about and eventualy stop comunicating

Gyalist

I'd guess that he was never really your friend but was just "orbiting" around you for the last year hoping that you'd soon be single.

Just say "let's just be friends". If he can't handle the rejection, that's his problem, but please don't follow the latter part of the advice above and humiliate him (whether jokingly or not). That's just very puerile behaviour.

Taltos

Why not just take this as a compliment from a friend.

Continue to just treat him as you treat everyone else.
I would not call attention to it or act strange around him or try to over compensate.
If he has any sense he will back off, and in time provided you both act as if nothing happened your friendship can be restored.
However, if he tries it again you might have to be more direct with him and at this point it will be more difficult to save the friendship.

Without knowing him we have no way of knowing if he had ulterior motives - hopefully not - but if he keeps trying then I guess you will have your answer there too..

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I know it's a very minor issue compared to what's going on in some people's lives. I posted here as I don't want to lose any more male friends over me not being able to act correctly if one asks me out etc. And I wouldn't consider myself good looking either. I'll do my best to be the same as I was before around him but it won't be easy. With most of my friendships, there's no over-thinking/analysing etc. With this guy, I'll probably be thinking very carefully about my behavior around him for a while. Hopefully things will go back to normal eventually!.

dblennon

Maybe my description of what to do was a bit graphic, but I truely believe that embarassing situations like asking a friend out need to be made aware to a group of friends.

To me there is nothing worse than when 2 people in a group are having a stand off and no one knows why!!

Also it's the sign of a real friend if they can take it on the chin and laugh at themselves, but maybe that's just my mates.

LegacyUser

I was in the same boat as your male friend OP. There was a girl I was working with on my team and I became friends with her. We got on quite well and after a while I started to like her quite a bit. Like you, she was seeing a guy and the whole time I was wishing to f*** they'd finish.

Eventually they did finish and it happened shortly after I moved abroad. I decided then to let her know that I liked her and while I was somewhat nervous about doing so, I didn't care at the same time. The way I seen it, I had waited long enough and I liked her and I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. I told her very shortly after she finished with him so in hindsight, that was probably a bit silly, I should have maybe waited. I don't think it would have made any difference though to the end result as she shot me down.

From my own point of view, I really didn't give a f*** about messing up the friendship. I really didn't. I know that sounds callous or whatever but I liked her and friendship wasn't really enough for me. I was living abroad so I wasn't really likely to bump into her much which I guess helped too.

She told me they'd just finished and we were friends, the usual line. I can't remember if she said about "not being ready for a relationship" thingy but anytime a girl says that I almost never believe them as they 99.9% of the time end up with some other guy within a month to six weeks. And she proved my theory right once again. She'd been going out with her ex for a few years and they'd been living together, so it wasn't like a short term thing that had ended.

I was kind of p*****d off with being rejected which I guess is normal. I felt a bit stupid too so I didn't contact her at all. No phone calls, texts, emails, anything. She didn't contact me either. I'll be honest too, I'd no intentions of getting in touch with her ever again. After about 6 months she sent me an email asking how I was getting on and I was mostly over it at that stage. We started to chat a bit and now she's still with the guy she started seeing a month or so after finishing with her ex. I've completely lost interest at this stage as well so I don't mind just being friends with her either now although I don't be in touch with her that much as we don't work together anymore, even though I'm back in the country and only living about 3 miles away.

I'm guessing things might go back to normal, but they may not. While I can understand you being a bit fed up at him jeopardising the friendship as you put it, but at the same time, I don't blame him for a second. What other choice did he have? He was probably waiting and hoping you'd become single and once you did, was he just supposed to sit there and just pine away forever? He deserved to get some sort of resolution to the situation rather than just hanging on forever. I don't think he did anything wrong and no doubt he was probably thinking if he didn't make a move, he'd be kicking himself forever. Especially if he waited too long and you threw out some line like "Oh if you'd said when I was single..." I'm not saying you would have, but for a guy that's an awful thing to miss.

Can you say you wouldn't have done the same thing had you been in his shoes?

I'd say give him some space and see how things go.

Anon_IRL.Joe

Hi OP

Having been in a similar situation myself but on the other end, I can understand the situation.

I liked a girl in my class, didn't have the confidence to ask her out myself but then I was approached by her. She didn't ask me out but she was very forward with me. Invited me to her place for dinner the first day we talked. Texting me a lot and spending a good few days together. Talking about personal things. She had explained that she was out of a relationship for a few months so I was being cautious about asking her out to make sure her mind was clear about me when I would. Anyway, still hanging out a lot and I thought I'd invite her for dinner myself a couple days later. We never kissed or ever really got intimate because like I said, I wanted her to be in right frame of mind to know if she wanted to be with me.

Anyway, the fact that she texted me a lot and wanted to spend time with me a lot gave me the impression that she was interested in me in the same way. Eventually, contact did become minimal and we didn't hang out as much so that lead to a bit of confusion. I decided later to tell her I liked her and she responded as how you felt, not wanting to get into a relationship for a while because she felt she couldn't trust anyone.

This was difficult ofcourse for me but I do know I did the right thing. Its unfair on me and her to remain friends with one side liking the other. I will say this though, doing the same things with friends of the same gender would be viewed very differently, mostly of respect of a very good friend.

Its still wrong that he asked you so soon after you ended your relationship. His timing was definitely off but one thing I do know is that if you are too friendly with someone or seem to have a strong interest in them, it can be very easily perceived as one party wanting more out of the relationship.

Some people will think I'm wrong for saying that but I do have many female friends like male friends and we joke and have fun all the same but being close friends with someone of the opposite sex is a rarity. Thats something that should be appreciated.

If you feel things are weird, muster up the courage to ask him whats going on (can you really still remain friends, would it be difficult, etc.) You have to be fair to him. He had the courage to tell you how he felt. You can't expect for him to act like things will be the way the way they were.

If it were to mean you can't be friends, thats unfortunate but you'll just have to move on and he will too. Something to consider is if you were to go back to being friends, you must be wary that his subconscious will probably play on him in thinking that there is still a chance you'd feel the same about him later.

Let me put it this way, what happens in the situation if you meet someone and how he'd feel about it. It'll just make it very awkward. He might be stronger than me and he could accept that fact so maybe you could still be friends but its important to consider all these things.

If you still want to be friends with him, you have to confront him about it. He'd be chucking his dignity if he did it so there is a strong chance that you can't expect him to talk to you about it.

I wish you all the best OP!

LegacyUser

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

Its still wrong that he asked you so soon after you ended your relationship. His timing was definitely off but one thing I do know is that if you are too friendly with someone or seem to have a strong interest in them, it can be very easily perceived as one party wanting more out of the relationship.

No way. He did what he had to do. What was he supposed to do? Sit around for a couple of months and allow another lad to get in ahead of him? Seems like he had the decency never to cross the line when you were seeing someone but when that was over he came straight out and made his intentions clear. He didn't do the whole shoulder to cry on in your time of need rubbish. Played it the only way he could really.

cafecolour

Honestly, he'll prob just drift away, as it's very hard to be friends with someone you're infatuated with (when they don't return the favor). And you should let him drift away, unfortunately.

Good for you for being forward and saying you're not interested up front, by the way. Too many people would've been ambiguous to try and spare his feelings - ie "I'm not ready to date yet." - and ended up keeping him hanging on it hope - making it harder for him, and you, in the long run.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I thought that you might appreciate a male perspective from somebody who asked a girl who was a friend out once. It wasn't a big deal and to this day we're still really good friends. Guys can handle rejection because well we're used to it. Do you have any idea how many girls we have to ask out before somebody eventually says yes :-) I say forget about it and just go back to being friends. If he's a regular nice guy it won't even be an issue.

hertz

OP, he did the right thing in my opinion. He put himself out there and asked you out straight, no mind games or anything, made his intentions clear. He probably was thinking about you a lot and needed to know where he stood before he could move on.
It is a risk you have to take when with people you meet, if you ask them out you risk loosing them as a friend. You may in time become friends at a later stage. Let it drift away.

gavney1

cafecolour wrote: »

Good for you for being forward and saying you're not interested up front, by the way. Too many people would've been ambiguous to try and spare his feelings - ie "I'm not ready to date yet." - and ended up keeping him hanging on it hope - making it harder for him, and you, in the long run.

+1

Yeah, OP, you've done the right thing here. Well done. It's hard to be so straight-up with people and I'm sure in the long run he'll appreciate your straightforwardness.

Fair play to him as well for being up-front. You both did the right thing. The outcome is unfortunate, but you're both better of this way

S23

Yeah cafecolour is spot on.You were dead right to be straight and to the point in letting him know how you feel (or don't feel in this case) and not leaving him with some vain hope.

I think, as others seem to, that he did what he had to do. If he likes you in that way then he had to try his luck. I wouldn't hold it against him or anything like that.

I'd agree with MrUnreg too, I've seen it happen quite a few times and it happend recently to a friend. He asked a girl who had broken up with her (short term) boyfriend recently out and she gave him the 'not ready for another realtionship' routine. Within a month she'd started seeing another guy.

A lot of women seem incapable of being honest about not having feelings for someone. Whether its to spare the persons feelings or whatever I don't know. It probably is in most cases. However, when a girl trots out the 'not ready for a relationship' line then ends up with some other bloke shortly afterwards its a lot more hurtful than just being straight about knocking someone back in the first place. My mate was absolutely gutted.

Whats done is done. He had feelings for you and made his move. You told him you didn't reciprocate in an open, honest and I am presuming tactful manner. You just have to let things play out now. I wouldn't think too much of it.

Cop

He was right to ask you out and if you weren't into him in that way, you were right to reject. You can't blame him for as you say, jeopardising the friendship. If you were advising someone on boards who was in his situation before he asked you out, what would you have said to him?

To be honest, I think genuine male-female friendships are rare and we shouldn't get too bothered when something like this happens. The only way a friendship can be real is when neither person is attracted to the other. Which is very rare. Boys are boys and girls are girls, I'm afraid.