Girlfriends family putting strain on our relationship

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I am a 25 year old male and a regular poster on here. I have a great relationship with my girlfriend (23) and we are going out together for almost a year and a half now. We are both very much in love and we spend almost every day we can together. We have loads of stuff planned for our future and we are both really excited about it. We both work hard in our respective jobs and we earn good wages. We plan to go travelling as much as possible this year, we plan to move in together and we plan on getting engaged in the next year or so. If everything happened today, I would be delighted in honesty, and so would she. Things couldn't be better in our relationship. We help each other through everything.

However, we have one thing that is really putting a strain on us, and that is her family. Her family are very controlling, possessive and don't seem to treat her with any sort of respect. The best way of putting it is that they treat her like some kind of unwanted child. She lives at home with them and any time she tries to discuss something with them she is not taken seriously and sometimes even shunned for something "more important" like something on TV. She gets no support from them in any way. When she graduated last year, she got a card from me and my family congratulating her and didn't even get any from her own family. She gets no support from them what so ever and is even made to feel guilty for enjoying herself at weekends. She has a job, she has graduated, and she is an adult, what’s the problem? They are beginning to treat our relationship with the same lack of respect almost like it isn’t taken seriously at all.

We have gone on a few different holidays, one week long holiday, and a few weekends away in Ireland and abroad. Every time she goes away, she is made to feel guilty over going away experiencing the world and enjoying herself. The week long holiday resulted in her sister not talking to her and her mother would not let her speak about the holiday in her house. The latest weekend away has resulted in her brother and her Dad not talking to her.

We've had to cancel a few other weekends which were fine with me as she had family events. I am quite a laid back guy and there are always other times to do stuff. However, we had planned to go away this weekend, but she can not go now due to anxiety over her family. This one has really gotten to me as it is really affecting her health, she is afraid to tell her family about anything now and is on medication to deal with her anxiety. I am trying my best to help her through it but there is only so much I can do. I had also made a lot of sacrifices for the weekend, I've booked off work, and cancelled my plans to go away with my brother for his 18th birthday.

It is now really affecting me to hear how she has been affected by them. Because I put everything I have into making her happy and making our relationship a good one, and the same goes for her. It is getting both of us down. The only conversations we've had for this past two weeks seem to be negative ones, it has taken all of the fun out of our relationship. I am not worried about our future together, but I hate this, she knows it and is trying to get it through to them but she feels that it will always be ignored by them. All I know is that this has to be sorted out now. It will only get worse from if nothing is done. I cannot help but think what their reaction will be once we announce our bigger plans (moving out, planning marriage etc.), and how it will affect our relationship.

What I want to know is has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? What do I do, without upsetting the great thing that I have going for me (my girlfriend)? We have both been more than respectful to her family and are getting nothing but grief in return for it, just because we like to enjoy ourselves and experience the world with each other.

Thanks for your time and patience! I look forward to reading your replies…

FB.

LegacyUser

Why doesnt your girlfriend move out - either into her own place or into a place with you. She is an adult and if she can afford the rent why still live at home? This would take the day to day pressure off her and she could then fit her family into her life as much as she sees fit.

tinkerbell

Ok first of all, what your girlfriend needs to do is move out, pronto. She's living in a toxic environment, it's causing her health issues and it's not doing her any good or you. She's also 23 and in a good job you say, so should be able to move out. Can you move in together? I mean, you say you plan on getting engaged soon etc so why not just move in together now.

Also, if her family are treating her like crap, then she has to start standing up for herself. Her family sound like a jealous bunch of twats to be honest, if that's how they act when she's going away, I mean WTF is their problem like?

Seriously, she needs to move out. So help get her out of that house, get a place together (or can she move in with you for a while?) and unless her family start treating her with respect, then she needs to ignore them until they cop on.

Cheap Thrills!

Children raised by toxic parents can often spend their lives trying to unravel why their parents mistreat them, often after years and years they realise there is no real reason and no real answer. The bald truth is some people are just assh0les.

Kids of toxic parents will also obsessively seek the approval and endorsement of the very ones who abuse/ignore/belittle them. it's not coming EVER. She needs to recognise this pattern, understand that she CAN'T FIX THEM. The only person she is responsible for is herself.

She needs to move out and get away from this poisonous atmosphere. She needs to learn how to ignore their opinions and stop giving them permission to try to control her.

The more she tries to please them the more they will enjoy hurting her and putting her down. A book called 'Toxic parents' talks all about this family dynamic. Would be useful to your GF OP.

LegacyUser

Your girlfriend really needs to move out. From what you've said they seem like nasty jealous people. However, Maybe they are annoyed that instead of moving out she is spending money on holidays away? Does she contribute anything to the household? This could be a reason. Also sounds like plain old bitterness.

LegacyUser

Hi folks, OP here.

Thanks very much for your replies, I was pretty much thinking the same thing. She really needs to get out of there for her own sanity. I talked to her on the phone for a while last night, and she sounded alot livelier as she was out of the house for most of yesterday.

We had a good long chat about the situation and she insisted that she does not want to move out of the house for this reason. She wants to move out on her own terms. I said that it was fine, it is completely up to herself, that the offer is there if she changes her mind. I told her that I can understand that she does not want to move out for this reason, but reminded her that it is affecting her health. She knows that they will not change, but is committed to moving out when we originally planned, five or six months down the line...

There really isn't much more I can do than this, all I can do is be there to support her through the hard times she is having now and will have for the months to come. However recently I have found that it is taking its toll on me more and more. I'm normally a very confident guy but I think I'm even getting a touch anxiety over the issue myself. I feel if she doesn't confront these issues now, that they will follow us around in our relationship forever. As I've stated in the OP, what is going to happen when we announce that we are moving out in a few months? What is going to happen when we some day announce our engagement? The problem is, I have said this to her but she is too afraid to step up and say it to her family.

I really don't know what to do...

SheRa

anonblah wrote: »

I talked to her on the phone for a while last night, and she sounded alot livelier as she was out of the house for most of yesterday.

It does sound like she is having a very rough time of it at home, that it has became a very unpleasant place for her and the sentence alone speaks volumes if being away from them for one day perks her up.

anonblah wrote: »

We had a good long chat about the situation and she insisted that she does not want to move out of the house for this reason.

Ok, a very strange thing to say, considering what you've told us, but fair enough that is her choice.

anonblah wrote: »

She wants to move out on her own terms.

This raises huge red flags for me. What exactly does her own terms mean? She's not happy there but doesn't want to move out until a better time?

I have to say I think that her actions speak louder than words, she doesn't want to move in with you at the moment. What difference will 5/6 months make? Maybe she is having doubts or maybe she is being stubborn and won't move out as you have suggested it to her on numerous occasions.

I think that you need to have an honest conversation with her face to face about this. I think that you will get a better idea of what she is feeling.

LegacyUser

SheRa wrote:

This raises huge red flags for me. What exactly does her own terms mean? She's not happy there but doesn't want to move out until a better time?

I have to say I think that her actions speak louder than words, she doesn't want to move in with you at the moment. What difference will 5/6 months make? Maybe she is having doubts or maybe she is being stubborn and won't move out as you have suggested it to her on numerous occasions.

I think that you need to have an honest conversation with her face to face about this. I think that you will get a better idea of what she is feeling.

I'm sorry I should have phrased that better. She did not say that she wanted to move out on her terms. I meant that she did not want to leave the house on bad terms with her family. She is not having doubts over it, she just wants to avoid most of the crap that her family would put her through if she does move in with me.

The reason we are moving in together 5-6 months from now is because we are both going back to college in part time courses, and she sees it as a perfect way to move in without conflict at home... Or with less conflict at home I should say...

SheRa

Ah that completely different so:).

Well look at least there is light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change her family, they sound like angry people. Try not to spend too much time worrying about what their reaction wil be.

Darthhoob

tinkerbell wrote: »

Ok first of all, what your girlfriend needs to do is move out, pronto. She's living in a toxic environment, it's causing her health issues and it's not doing her any good or you. She's also 23 and in a good job you say, so should be able to move out. Can you move in together? I mean, you say you plan on getting engaged soon etc so why not just move in together now.

Also, if her family are treating her like crap, then she has to start standing up for herself. Her family sound like a jealous bunch of twats to be honest, if that's how they act when she's going away, I mean WTF is their problem like?

Seriously, she needs to move out. So help get her out of that house, get a place together (or can she move in with you for a while?) and unless her family start treating her with respect, then she needs to ignore them until they cop on.

totally agree with that...OP your GF's family sound like mine (well...just my dad). i moved out not long after i turned 20 and i'm glad i did. i've had run ins with my dad since, but least i can escape...as it happens i'm actually ignoring him from now on as i have my own family and stress to deal with...i suspect my dad to have Narcissistic personality disorder but ofc i can never tell him that..cos he's always right and perfect :rolleyes:

i have anxiety and depression, more than likely thanks to him as i always knew he 'hated' me since i was very small, my OH is my rock and doesn't let him get away with treating me like **** so speaks up...which my dad didn't like and had a hissy and now disowned me...but i feel better for it! i feel free (though only happened 5 days ago so still a bit raw).

she needs to realise that she has her own life and needs to have her own happiness, if family cannot love and support there own...they aint worth having. you wouldn't choose to have friends that shower you in negativity, why do we have to put up with family who do?

Darthhoob

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Children raised by toxic parents can often spend their lives trying to unravel why their parents mistreat them, often after years and years they realise there is no real reason and no real answer. The bald truth is some people are just assh0les.

Kids of toxic parents will also obsessively seek the approval and endorsement of the very ones who abuse/ignore/belittle them. it's not coming EVER. She needs to recognise this pattern, understand that she CAN'T FIX THEM. The only person she is responsible for is herself.

She needs to move out and get away from this poisonous atmosphere. She needs to learn how to ignore their opinions and stop giving them permission to try to control her.

The more she tries to please them the more they will enjoy hurting her and putting her down. A book called 'Toxic parents' talks all about this family dynamic. Would be useful to your GF OP.

i've only just realised that..at nearly 28 years old...and it is sooo true...hopefully the OP's GF will take that on board sooner rather than later x

LegacyUser

OP I would say the situation you are in is actually more common than you would think. We had similar situation with my OH's family. It is now at the point where we have realised as the other posters said above that nobody will change them. you and your GF will have to make your own happiness and she will learn that anything good from them is a bonus but not to be relied upon.
in one way you are lucky that it is out in the open now. we have spent half out lives figuring it! Perhaps if your gF were able to talk to a councellor about it, as a third and not involved party, it may help her as I am sure it is extremely stressful for her and for you.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can kind of relate to what your OP is saying, sorry for thread crashing. I'm 24 female and though my family are very good to me, they treat me like a child to the point where I actually cried the other night. If they're having a conversation and I give an input or whatever it's ignored so I repeat myself and it's kind of answered what, oh really yeah and then they'll continue talking. I'm referred to as one of the kids if somoenes on the phone. If i'm standing up my aunt will literally shove off me if she's walking by as if i'm not there. It's so demoralising and upsetting. I can't give you any advice OP just to know there's plenty of people out there who have to deal with this sort of thing.

flahers

I am 50 years of age and can relate to everything you have said. I was an only child and most of my life felt I was a burden in the eyes of my mother. She was very controlling and critical and my dad (r.i.p.) was a lovely quiet man who never ever stood up to her. Unfortunately for me I did and that made things a lot worse for me. In hindsight I'm so sorry I didn't move out then as it made the relationship between us very bitter. Now that my dad is gone she relies on me and my family for everything and to be honest she has mellowed a lot but I just cant forget the way she was to me no matter how hard i try. It eats away at me and I feel this dreadful bitterness towards her still which is not right as she is now a very elderly lady. I still long for a mother who is interested in my life but no that will never be. I bought the book 'Toxic parents', its brilliant and well worth the read. You need to change the situation now otherwise resentment will set in and you will live with it all your life. Best of luck.

Chinafoot

anonblah wrote: »

I meant that she did not want to leave the house on bad terms with her family. She is not having doubts over it, she just wants to avoid most of the crap that her family would put her through if she does move in with me.

What can they do though? I mean, its not like she'll be seeing them every day. She's 23 years of age, its high time she moved out regardless of her relationship with them. If she doesn't want to move in with you yet in some futile attempt to appease her parents, then she should consider a house share until she feels comfortable moving in with you.

No amount of waiting is going to rectify the situation for her. Besides, I firmly believe your relationship with your parents improves drastically when you move out.

LegacyUser

Its late, I know, but had to say something about the situation outlined.

I am not a spring chicken now. But my Dad died 8 years ago, and Mum was left to be looked after. She is a bit toxic. No, she is very toxic.

Never a good word for anyone, nothing is ever right. I leave her house when she gets like that. She cannot believe I would do that. It took me a long time to extricate myself from these situations. Anyway, I agree with other posters, there is no solution to this. Some parents are wonderful. My Dad was a great guy, my mum not so good.

Having said all that, I love her, but don't like her much sometimes. Get out, get away, and when you visit and they do your head in, leave. That action is so empowering, even if you might feel a bit guilty after doing it. You now have control.

Why in the name of God should we put up with such awful behaviour? Is it because they are the ones who gave us life?

I have rationalised it to some extent. They are controllers, and will never be satisfied no matter what. So get up and get out. Sorry for the venting, needed it now. Thanks.