Not Good Enough

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start.

I have a great life and am ashamed for feeling bad at all.

Whenever I talk about what's bothering me to anyone it's sounds so ridiculous, I just feel weak that it could affect me so much, so many people have much bigger things going on like a sick relative or something, all I think about is MY inadequacies, what IM doing wrong, what I am, me me me. I feel like such a selfish spoilt brat. For example, recently felt I was becoming more distant from my friends, that they didn't like being around me. It then occured to me that it is one of them who always asks me out. When is the last time I organised something? I felt so selfish then. I wondered how that didn't even cross my mind before, and I felt selfish for even thinking like that. I still miss my dad, even though my parents have been split up since last July. My mother is certainly much happier since the split. My dad seems calmer but he doesn't seem to see the split as permanent and I think he may be lonely. I still see him but only once a month. He doesnt like me to call up to his flat. We always meet for dinner and it's fairly formal, like we are aquaintances, but I know he's trying. It makes me so upset knowing he's making such a huge effort and thinking of him lonely in his flat which he doesn't like.

I think I'm becoming a different person, and not in a positive way. Things have happened recently to knock my confidence in what I thought I could do. I feel like I'm becoming less intelligent, I feel stupid, I can't work problems out in my head, I can't spell words, my memory is getting worse. Again, I know these things are really petty but it's like I'm "regressing" or something.

I feel so inadequate, nothing I do is good enough. My mother has a better social life than me and gets asked out on dates. Even my old child minder who's in her sixties still goes dancing at the weekends and was on a date last week! More power to them, but it makes me feel jealous and inadequate. Everyone says that at "my age I should be out having fun". I'm coming to the end of college now and I feel I should have done more. I will be graduating with a 2.2 in Arts and I think it's really really not good enough. I should have done much more. I didn't have the great college life everyone talks about. I don't think I threw myself in enough, I just drifted through. Why couldn't I just have done better, I can't answer that. I make the same mistakes over and over and over.

I felt seriously ill last night, to the point where I wanted to ring someone to come home and stay in with me, and the same thing happened a few weeks ago. Luckily it passed after a while. I told myself that I should definitely go to the doctor since it had happened twice in three weeks or something, then the next thought was "well it doesn't really matter if somethings wrong or not, is being alive really all that great?" I couldn't believe these thoughts were back again. They come and go, it got bad around christmas to the point were I thought I was really going to take my own life. Other times I think "of course you won't, think of the consequences for everyone. Cop onto yourself, stop being such a drama queen." I know this tells me I should go to a counsellor, Ive been before and it didnt seem to solve things. The last time she also told me that if she thought I was a threat to anyone else or myself, she would have to tell someone else. I'm afraid that if I told her I had suicidal thoughts with intent, she would tell my mother, she might force me into a psychiatric institution and that this would follow me around for the rest of my life and may cause problems with me getting the career I want (working with young kids). This may be an over analysis on my part, I don't know.

To summarize, I feel incredibly selfish for feeling so bad about things that don't affect anyone accept me. To feel bad about things that are so petty and small and that could be fixed if only I did something about it ( I feel so weak and passive writing that). How is it possible to be aware of mistakes and still do it? What do people tell themselves when they know they have to kick themselves into touch? I know I should go to a counsellor but I'm afraid of the possible consequences, and since it didn't solve things last time, it's not worth these consequences. I know it's extremely long... but any thoughts?

legallybrunette

Hey op, i'm really sorry you're feeling like this but you shouldn't feel bad or ashamed for feeling that way, but it is always good to talk, now matter how insignificant you think your problems are. If they're important to you then they're important.

With your dad, why don't you try suggesting to him that you have dinner in his flat some night? Maybe he hasn't asked you in case he thinks you'd feel uncomfortable? In terms of your social life, you could try joining a group or a sports team, something different from anything you've tried before.
It's not good to compare your college experiences with other peoples. We're constantly told what our experience of it should be (drunk all the time, etc) but that's not what everyone enjoys. Don't judge your own based on what other people say, they're probably lying about all those wild nights anyways! And don't listen when people start with the 'at your age...', again everyone's different and what one enjoys another won't. Don't do things just because it's what you think you should be doing, do it because YOU enjoy it!
You say you're coming to the end of college, if you don't feel like you gave it your all then think of the next chapter as a time when you can start really giving all you've got, it's never too late to reach your potential!
You should visit your doctor for that sick feeling ,it could be nothing but a check up never hurts anyways! It sounds like you would benefit from talking through these feelings with a counsellor, one that you're comfortable with.
I'm sorry if this is too long or a bit of a ramble, hopefully there's something helpful in there! I hope you start to feel better soon!