Over the phone?

LegacyUser

With a girl for 6 months we are both in our mid 20's and wont see each other for a couple of weeks.

I was wondering what people thought about breaking up over the phone? Its eating me now and think its time to split up at this stage...Im not a bad guy honestly but we're just not right together.

Has anyone any advice I dont want to hurt her.

Thanks

Dilly

LegacyUser

By the way can i just state thats a complete coincidence that my username is cowardly man...the image verification was "cowardly immune" so I copied it and changed immune to man without thinking.....sorry to drone on but just dont want to get off the point here---its not the reason i want to do it over the phone - i just want to get it over with but do it with respect aswell

Thanks

MsHolloway

Hi Dilly,

Face to face break ups are seen as the more respectful/better way to end a relationship. But I once had to end a relationship over phone. Like you, I wasn't able to meet up with this person, and we were clearly not right for each other and I was really miserable. So I completely understand where you're coming from.

It wasn't easy, and I did feel like a complete b!tch but I could not be in the relationship anymore. I felt very relieved afterwards.

LegacyUser

You should do it in person. It's just the right thing to do. Being dumped is never easy so you should make it as respectful as possible.

Is she on holidays or away from home? If so, DO NOT break up over the phone. It'll wreak her time away.

If it's long distance - and I mean different countries here - then yes, breaking up by phone is acceptable. But only then in my opinion.

G86

Can you arrange to see her any sooner? I really think you should do it face to face, esp after 6 months, that's long enough for her to be pretty upset over it.

Barracudaincork

If you have had or are having sex then face to face is the only way to go, anything less is a cowards way.

G-Money

I think it depends on the relationship, how far it's went, how long you's have been together. Obviously logistics plays a part too.

I've a somewhat different take on this whole face to face breakup thing. Personally, I've never understood this "if they respect me, they should do it face to face" thing. I mean, why would you want someone to organise to meet up with you to tell you to your face that they don't want to see you anymore? Is it not worse that you have to stand there and take it and make things a hundred times more uncomfortable and let them see how upset you are?

I guess it depends on how serious the relationship was and some other factors. Obviously if it was a marriage then dropping them a text or a phone call isn't really a good idea. If things weren't that serious, then I suppose from my own point of view it wouldn't be that bad.

I know if a girl wanted to end it with me, I wouldn't want to have to look her in the face and accept it. I'd rather find out some other way so she couldn't see how unhappy I was.

Faith

My boyfriend and I broke up over the phone last weekend, but it was the result of a big disagreement. I knew it was coming, and he kind of blurted it out. He came up the next day to make it official though.

Doing it any way other than face to face is awful, imo.

Miss Fluff

If at all possible (if she lives on the island of Ireland), then you need to get in the car, go and see her, and tell her face-to-face. And perhaps pre-empt it by telling her you are coming to see her as you need to talk to her about something. This will hopefully pave the way a little so it won't be completely out of the blue for her. You'll feel a lot better if you behave decently.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. I totally understand when people say it should be done Face to Face out of respect & I don't want to shy away from this responsibility either - If for anything for my own self respect in doing things the "right way" and so no regrets.

She has been off work for the past week/half at home on the other side of the country until another 2 weeks time...we both live in the same city normally.

To be honest I have some events upcoming shortly and this is another reason I don't want to hold off till she comes back (my main one being the weight on my shoulders/heavy heart) as I think it best she does not come to these "events" for the sake of her being a little humiliated ie "here one day, gone the next" ....this will also be in front of family and friends.


Trust me my only benefit in this situation is getting out of something I don't feel I am feeling anything for anymore...its with a very heavy heart I write this as i love the girl but the spark is gone.

james.xix

Definitely should do it face to face man. Do you your best to try and meet her sooner and end it if it is what you want.
I was tempted to end a relationship over the phone once but did not. Myself and a girl met one night to talk things over. Having slept on things said the following day I knew i wanted to end it. I could easily have rang her that day but I waited for the next day when I knew it was the earliest we could meet. I was hard to do but it was by far the easiest thing to go and do.
Another time then having met a girl and said we were finished, she asked me to think it over and give us another chance. I agreed but when I got home to a different town I was kicking myself that I hadn't ended it because for me it was over. I had to wait an entire week to meet the girl to end it, I did, it was hard but I did it and it was fair.
Really man, it might be hard to wait but unless she has done something awful, you should wait until you see her and tell her then. Anything less could hurt the girl which would not be fair.

mobilecore

I agree 100% with Grandmaster.

If in a very long term relationship or marriage then yes HAS to be done in person. But anything less ... its a tricky thing. Kinda "catch 22" - would I like to be asked to meet up, probably have that feeling something is not right then to just sit there and be told "its over"?
I mean if I had a 20 min conversation over the phone with someone it can produce the same results. Allows to chat back and fourth. But also saves that whole messy having to sit there awkwardly.

Op its up to you. Personally i'd rather have the breakup over the phone I guess. A breakup in person would be seen as more respectful. But if its over, its over. How would being beside someone make it easier for me? ...
But it depends on what side of the coin you are on I guess. What I said above is from the "dumped" side. Im the type of guy where if I continue to date someone its because I want to. Being dumped would go against what I wanted. So if its over just tell me type of thing. Dont drag it out. Its over. Hence, why would I want to just stand there awkwardly thinking.
If I were to dump ... do it over the phone too I guess. Why make someone stand there awkwardly looking of it from the otherside.

As long as its not done by text :P
my two cents

LegacyUser

I actually agree with you Mobile and Grand, It all makes sense but thats just also my own opinion.

I don't know whether she would feel this way and out of respect I would like to make this the priority!

Its definitely a catch 22 cause I feel it would be just as bad making a few hour trip to tell her at home...I need this off my mind fast its eating away at me and i truly feel miserable the past few days about it also knowing I will feel worse AFTER I break the news !

Barracudaincork

cowardlyman wrote: »

Its definitely a catch 22 cause I feel it would be just as bad making a few hour trip to tell her at home...I need this off my mind fast its eating away at me and i truly feel miserable the past few days about it also knowing I will feel worse AFTER I break the news !

Dont let your own guilt that is eating away at you stop you from doing the right thing, just because it cant be done in an instant. For the record IMO you have no reason to feel guilty you are entitled to not be in a relationship with someone if you dont want to be.

If you made the few hours round trip to her home to tell her face to face she will at least know you respected her that much to do such a thing. Doing it over the phone is the easier way out etc and she will know that.

LegacyUser

Thanks Barracuda good advice. Making a trip down is not out of the question (although it would be more than few hours round trip)....This i also feel would be a lot of crap to put myself through as i don't like the idea of driving to or back from there - I'll be honest an emotional mess!

It's also a very small town with nowhere to really speak other than her parents house - can you imagine calling into her in front of her parents to break up with her (for the both of us)

Thanks everyone, I still have no clue as to what I will do but all the advice is a great help.

gavney1

Have to agree with other posters, you need to break up with her face to face after 6 months

She's probably going to feel down about herself when you break up with her either way, so don't make her feel even worse about herself by doing it over the phone. She'll get the impression that she meant absolutely nothing to you if you do it that way.

forget about whether or not breaking up over the phone is cowardly, that's irrelevant. Her feelings, however, are 100% relevant

LegacyUser

I have to say I think the "face to face" thing is way over rated... And personally, I would prefer to have a converation over the phone that I can opt out of at any given time without my erstwhile other half seeing how upset I was. Also obviously it's tricky, on the one hand you give her the moral high ground and make yourself look bad by doing the phone thing, obviously depending on her point of view... but on the other, is it fair to have her live in blissful ignorance until she arrives back in a couple of weeks time, I'd hate to know that everytime I'd spoken/text my boyfriend he was secretly thinking of how to finish things, to me that would be worst than any telephone break up. But hey everyone's different, and let's face it, Breakups are crap, no matter how their done..
Good luck with whatever you decide.

LillyVanilli

If youre sure you want to break up with her now, then do it by phone rather than waiting. Its unfair to her to drag it out until you see her again. If you wait you will no doubt have plenty of phone calls and texts where surely she would know something was up.

LegacyUser

Well thank you everyone,

I have decided to wait it out a while before calling. She might be back up in a few days so will see then. Her father is'nt doing too well either (since we met) but I don't think its right that I should have to take this into the equation either and so didnt mention before.

Scrambled egg

Speaking from having it done to me, it hurts like **** and is really disrespectful tbh. Don't do it .

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years over the phone a few weeks ago. We lived in separate countries (he moved away for work a few months before and wasnt planning on moving back any time soon), there was no way I could get there to see him and I had been thinking about it for a while as it was. When I finally made the decion in my head I just wanted it over. I knew it was going to upset him and I didn't want to xarry on and just be faking the relationship for the next few weeks, when he would be back. I didn't think it was really fair on either if us.

This situation may be slightly different to yours OP but persobnally I would rather be told over the phone then have someone knowing they wanted it over but faking the whole relationship. That would really hurt when I found out.

Breaking up face to face is seen as more respectfull but personally I think it's overrated. I Think I would rather be broken up with over the phone then have to look look at someone while they did it and be upset after wards.

ash23

It would be a really horrible thing to do, to break up over the phone. Also, it isn't as "real".
If you drive down and can look her in the face and break up with her she will accept it easier than if she gets a call out of the blue. She will think it is because you have been apart and won't be seeing each other soon etc. I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up driving up to see you thinking that if you see her things will change. Especially if her dad being ill has meant she's been down home a lot.

Shes given you 6 months of her time and energy. It won't kill you to drive down to her. Or even meet her half way.

Barracudaincork

cowardlyman wrote: »

Thanks Barracuda good advice. Making a trip down is not out of the question (although it would be more than few hours round trip)....This i also feel would be a lot of crap to put myself through as i don't like the idea of driving to or back from there - I'll be honest an emotional mess!

It's also a very small town with nowhere to really speak other than her parents house - can you imagine calling into her in front of her parents to break up with her (for the both of us)

Love your excuses! Do you have anymore?

OP, these two excuses are not valid IMO. Would you have driven a few hours in the beginning of the relationship to have sex with her for the first time? Chances are you would of.

As you have a car, you can drive to somewhere in this small town, you dont have to break up with her on her doorstep while her parents watch.

IMO you should do it face to face, however, if you dont it may make it easier for her to get over as you will have confirmed to her and her friends etc your a coward and weak man and women are very rarely attracted to cowardly weak men.

LegacyUser

Scrambled egg wrote: »

Speaking from having it done to me, it hurts like **** and is really disrespectful tbh. Don't do it .

I also had this done to me and it hurt like hell too.
My now-ex phoned and said they had something to tell me and didn't know whether to tell me then or wait to come see me later in the week. Naturally I said, tell me now. There was more to it than just breaking up but I wasn't expecting it at all and I was devastated and fell apart in the next few days.
I felt telling me by phone was horribly disrespectful after our years together but looking back, telling me face to face would have revealed how devastated I was and my falling apart might have been even worse and letting my ex see any of that would have killed me even more.
I guess what I'm saying is that there are two ways to look at it - depending on whether you're giving or receiving the news.

eleven

I have to say OP, I've broken up with someone over the phone (different countries thing), and it was horrible... but acceptable.

Like some other posters I feel (pretty strongly actually) that

1. This having to fake the relationship while you wait to see her is so distasteful, creepy even. And you'll feel like an asshole everytime you talk to her, knowing that she's doing to be dumped soon. When you do break up with her after the two weeks she'll wonder how much of the relationship was faked...

2. I think in a relationship up to 6 months, where he won't see her for a while, can't breakup any other way (save in the parents house, which I agree is on the worst case senario list), stops the 'everything is fine' while it blatently isn't - it's acceptable to break up over the phone.

But what I was thinking is that you could ring her and explain that the relationship isn't making you happy anymore and that you would like to take this time apart as a break. And then when you see her again, you can do the 'respectful' face to face thing.

my 2 cents anyway.

Also, the fact that you're worrying so much about this equals a very respectful person imo.

tbh

you know yourself what you should do, you're just looking for an excuse not to do it you'll only get one chance to break up with her, if you love her, you'll give her the respect of doing it face to face.

SarahSassy

Its not acceptable under these c ircumstances. You do seem to be looking for excuses not to do it but the bottom line is that she is worth a few hours driving to do the right thing. You get there and call her and ask her to come out to the car. Then at least she has comfort by being at home when you leave.

LegacyUser

speaking from experience of being on the receiving end of a phone call break up, after an 8 year relationship, it is something that you will never be forgiven for, so my advice is to do the right thing and say it face to face