Feeling like a sex object....need male insight...

LegacyUser

I am with my BF nearly 3 years.

He has a high libido, I mean really high. More like that of a teenager just going through puberty, you know what I mean, he is ready to go ALL the time. Anything can set him off, picture in the paper, conversation on a chat show.

I love sex. I do. To paint a picture now I mean weekends 3/4/5 times a day (sessions lasting hours on Friday nights etc) My face would be raw for days from the stubble rash....I am into it but read on. Then during the week he comes in horny and I am wrecked (sick lately but still going to work) so usually we would have sex at least once a night or at least a hand job.

He is bang into his p0rn and as we live in a small house he will be looking at it every second Im out of the room. I was fine with this but often he will be clumsily trying to get me out of the room (oh babe why don't you go and have a shower/go to bed early and I will bring you up a cup of tea blah )
Its perfectly obvious that he is trying to get me out of the way (This is my OWN house btw) so he can spank the monkey. Now I would have no problem giving him space in fact I love a bit of space of my own but it seems to be unless I am 'servicing' him he wants me out of th way. So I had a word and asked him to tone it down, like if he is not trying to get me out of the room, he won't let me out of the room...If I go off to another room he is calling me back in 'babe, what are you doing up there' (tidying/trying to wash my face!!??!!!!!!)

I do love him and I try my best to keep up which I think I do well to do. I had kind of pulled back a little bit recently and this co-incided with him 'having doubts' as he revealed a few weeks later.

So now I am thinking is he just with me for sex, like I could be anyone, I feel I am not special, just someone to take it out on so to speak.....

It hurts when I know too that he is just fantasising about anyone/everyone to get over the line rather than getting set off by me imparticular iykwim.

I understand everyone has a sneaky fantasy about others but is this not just too much?
And if so men, should I be stronger with setting the boundaries, I was trying to be 'right on' and a sound GF like not denying him sex ever and turning a blind eye to the p0rn obsession but its not easy in a tiny house.....

Would be respect me more if I was a little bit more of a ballbreaker with him, like other girls are with their fellas.

cafecolour

Guys look at porn, and if he's got a high libido, he's gonna have to **** when he wants to be satisfied and you're not up for it. It's a suitable compromise.

The fact of him waiting for you go just makes it more obsessive - if he wants to pull one out and can't, it just going to keep on his mind. I'd say maybe just let him know you are comfortable with him ****/looking at porn with you there.

That way if he's up for it and you're not (which you have every right to be), he can just knock one out (whether looking at porn, or you, or the telly, etc.) and be done with it.

You can also then better judge how you are interacting when he's not horned up all the time.

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

I'd say maybe just let him know you are comfortable with him ****/looking at porn with you there.

I'm NOT comfortable with it, read my post again. I am practically getting run out of the way in my OWN HOUSE when he wants to which is ALL THE TIME.

cafecolour wrote: »

That way if he's up for it and you're not (which you have every right to be), he can just knock one out (whether looking at porn, or you, or the telly, etc.) and be done with it.

I don't think you are getting it, if I am not up for it then HE should descretely excuse HIMSELF and sort it out instead of trying to herd me up to bed when I don't want to go. I paid for my house, I own it and he doesn't....can I not just move about my own house in peace. PLUS its not a nice feeling, I give him space but he gives me none.

cafecolour wrote: »

You can also then better judge how you are interacting when he's not horned up all the time.

When he's not horned up all the time? That is NEVER.
HE IS HORNED UP ALL THE TIME....ALL THE TIME.....maybe a 5 minute window after he cums I am safe....

I need some proper perspective here maybe from men who have had this prolem living with a partner, should there not be SOME respect for the girl that she doesn't feel like a total sex object. That he is not still behaving like a sex starved 15 year old........I am understanding but I think I have been too much so and now I am uncomfortable/unable to cope with the boundaries that have been set.

Miss Fluff

tired girl wrote: »

I am understanding but I think I have been too much so and now I am uncomfortable/unable to cope with the boundaries that have been set.

I presume he has always been like this and yet you have been with him for three years. What has precipitated you suddenly having had enough of his sex drive?

miec

Hi Op

Maybe there is something wrong with me but to be honest I can fully understand how you feel, to be honest it is a bit much the way he constantly wants sex all the time. Also I think that when a couple first get together and then the sex wans a little, issues like this rear their ugly head. If I was in your shoes I would lay down some boundaries, like you I wouldn't be comfortable with my other half looking at porn and **** off in front of me. Op do you do anything else, like for instance go out for dinner, dates, walks in the park, day trips out? Do you talk about anything? Is he just sex, sex, sex? I always worry when a person is one dimensional about anything whether it is a collecting hobby, shopping or in the case of your boyfriend, a constant demand for sex or porn. It sounds like to me that your boyfriend has needy issues and he may be using sex as a stress reliever. I think you should tell him how you feel, that you feel the demands are too much, that whilst you love him, find him sexy etc you need to have a breather. Also I would say to him that you are aware that he is getting you out of your room to watch porn and that it hurts your feelings. Maybe encourage him into a shared interest in something but I can understand how you feel, for me it feels extremely excessive.

LegacyUser

OP it sounds like he's addicted to sex. I understand the high libbido thing and all that(I have one myself)but theres a difference between a high libbido and using sex as a distraction. Poeple turn to sex when things in their life arent so great. Sex is a great comfort but it can get out of control, just like alcohol, food, gambling, drugs etc.
Right now it sounds like he is using you just to get his rocks off and obviously you feel that way too otherwise you wouldnt have posted. You did the right thing in talking to him about it but he hasnt responded and so you've done all that you can. Youre not happy with the situation as it stands and I think you need to remove yourself from it. That will place the ball firmly in his court. Dont put up with nonesense like this if its making you unhappy. You have a choice.

cafecolour

tired girl wrote: »

I'm NOT comfortable with it, read my post again. I am practically getting run out of the way in my OWN HOUSE when he wants to which is ALL THE TIME.

Sorry, I had gotten the impression the uncomfortable bit was him trying to shoo you out of the way, which was why I was trying to suggest you essentially ignore him and let him do his thing. Ie I dated a lad for a while with a higher sex drive with me and we shared a room - so if he was up for it and I wasn't, he'd knock one out and I'd literally sit there and read or do whatever I was doing and pay no attention.

Reading again, I think the sex is a bit of a red herring. I think if it was another habit instead of the porn/sex one - ie he plays video games all the time - you'd likely feel exactly same.

Especially since you keep to emphasizing that you own the house and he doesn't, etc it seems like you feel like you're contributing everything to the relationship at this point and he's contributing nothing (is he unemployed on top of everything?)

Basically the relationship has gone a bit stale and he's taking you for granted and is only concerned with what he wants to do.

It's a hard one. I'd say you need to seriously look at the relationship, and what attracted you to him in the first place before it got stale. If he's always been like this and you've just had blinders on, it might be time to get out.

If he used to make more of an effort and has stopped, I'd talk to him and emphasize that. Instead of saying "don't **** as much", I'd say you used to take me out more, play games together, go to movies, etc. - whatever you used to enjoy together - I miss that, can we see more of that.

profitius

Yup he has a problem. He needs to get some other hobbies and find other interests.

When he looks at porn hes dreaming of other women and not about you. Its the first step on the road to cheating. Tell him no more porn. If he respects you he'll listen but it seems like he doesn't respect you.

If you're not happy with the situation you need to do something about it.

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

Especially since you keep to emphasizing that you own the house and he doesn't, etc it seems like you feel like you're contributing everything to the relationship at this point and he's contributing nothing (is he unemployed on top of everything?)

Not at all, fully employed, pays half of everything. Treats and pressies all the time. Very attentive and actually kind (which is so important and makes me want to hold on to him) Lends ME money, does housework without being asked. Clean, solvent, no interest in video games or any of the other headmelters a lot of blokes are into, easygoing, funny, sporty, sociable.....I am head over heels for him.

We go out when we can money allowing. We have little trips/weekends away/nights in a hotel here and there. We don't go to pubs much. We love the same music and go to concerts....

Also when I say p0rn, it might be a bit misleading, its not the sort of explicit hardcore stuff, its more erotic softcore clips from feature films etc he finds arousing. He is quite a gentle soul really with a dirty side I liked but lately he seems less focused on me. I'm scared.

@profitus I would never 'ban' p0rn, banning things does not work, he would still look at it and how can one adult 'ban' another from doing something. That is too dark ages for me and I don't think its anything like cheating.

cafecolour wrote: »

It's a hard one. I'd say you need to seriously look at the relationship, and what attracted you to him in the first place before it got stale. If he's always been like this and you've just had blinders on, it might be time to get out.

I know the honeymoon phase can't last forever, but seems like for two or three years the man can't get enough of you then this scary bit comes where they suddenly change....

As for ending it whats the point.....start the whole process again with someone else......only for the same thing to happen again a couple of years in.... I love THIS guy, I will never get anyone as hot as him again and as kind.

The word I had with him was only during the weekend and anytime before I've had a gripe with him he totally pulls his socks up and remembers what I've said. Which is an astounding thing to me.

I am really scared I will lose him.

Taltos

Hi OP

Have you tried going somewhere neutral and talking about how this is making you feel?
Not in an accusatory way - but just in terms of how it is affecting you?
> tiredness
> frustration
> impacting your self-esteem
> you are beginning to feel like a sex doll and not a sexual loved person?

Also indicate that it is beginning to impact how you view him and the relationship - and that you really really need his help with this.

It almost does sound like the initial frenzy of the relationship is still there - that can be wonderful if you are both still there - but working, life and stresses - well we all need down time. I would have been a bit like your OH, my OH though just cannot face sex during the week except rarely - too tired from work - not relaxed enough etc. So instead we look forward to the weekends. There is nothing wrong in him gratifying himself though - but maybe discretely might be best - this is not the kind of thing some people want shoved in their faces 24*7.

Has he also looked into other outlets? - Exercise, gym, walking, running, swimming or god forbid - video games or just reading?

But do talk -and let him know how severly his behaviour is impacting you both. Just remember - don't confront or make it all his fault - us guys can tend to be a little defensive if we think we are being called freaks or deviants...

Danniboo

tired girl wrote: »

Not at all, fully employed, pays half of everything. Treats and pressies all the time. Very attentive and actually kind (which is so important and makes me want to hold on to him) Lends ME money, does housework without being asked. Clean, solvent, no interest in video games or any of the other headmelters a lot of blokes are into, easygoing, funny, sporty, sociable.....I am head over heels for him.

We go out when we can money allowing. We have little trips/weekends away/nights in a hotel here and there. We don't go to pubs much. We love the same music and go to concerts....

Also when I say p0rn, it might be a bit misleading, its not the sort of explicit hardcore stuff, its more erotic softcore clips from feature films etc he finds arousing. He is quite a gentle soul really with a dirty side I liked but lately he seems less focused on me. I'm scared.

@profitus I would never 'ban' p0rn, banning things does not work, he would still look at it and how can one adult 'ban' another from doing something. That is too dark ages for me and I don't think its anything like cheating.



I know the honeymoon phase can't last forever, but seems like for two or three years the man can't get enough of you then this scary bit comes where they suddenly change....

As for ending it whats the point.....start the whole process again with someone else......only for the same thing to happen again a couple of years in.... I love THIS guy, I will never get anyone as hot as him again and as kind.

The word I had with him was only during the weekend and anytime before I've had a gripe with him he totally pulls his socks up and remembers what I've said. Which is an astounding thing to me.

I am really scared I will lose him.

Where between doing all these things does he get time have a "sex addiction". It's okay when you're up for it, but when you're not doing it he's watching porn, no he's watching porn when you're not having sex, he's finished work, he's not socialising, playing sports, doing housework, bringing you gifts, going out, going to hotels, going to concerts, cleaning. You sound a bit controlling OP to be honest. It's like you want him to give you all his attention but only on your terms. And throwing around the "it's my house" card when he does all this for you.

cafecolour

tired girl wrote: »

Not at all, fully employed, pays half of everything. Treats and pressies all the time. Very attentive and actually kind (which is so important and makes me want to hold on to him) Lends ME money, does housework without being asked. Clean, solvent, no interest in video games or any of the other headmelters a lot of blokes are into, easygoing, funny, sporty, sociable.....I am head over heels for him.

Okay, he sounds considerate and that he's giving enough effort that he definitely still cares for you. Guys aren't generally that considerate for a girl they just see as a sex object and aren't into any more.

tired girl wrote: »

I know the honeymoon phase can't last forever, but seems like for two or three years the man can't get enough of you then this scary bit comes where they suddenly change....

Had not used to been using this much porn before? Has his interest in having sex with you dropped at all - ie would he rather look at porn and **** even when you're up for it?

And on his side, does mostly just use porn for a quick **** - ie pop it on for 15 minutes do the deed then done? Or would he spend hours browsing it and downloading it before rubbing one out?

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

Okay, he sounds considerate and that he's giving enough effort that he definitely still cares for you. Guys aren't generally that considerate for a girl they just see as a sex object and aren't into any more.

Thanks, but you would never be sure the man isn't using you.

cafecolour wrote: »

Had not used to been using this much porn before? Has his interest in having sex with you dropped at all - ie would he rather look at porn and **** even when you're up for it?

I don't think as much. We watched it together a few times recently and somehow that made it more real to me. I am not sure but I think sometimes he would rather look at it. I am not sure though.

cafecolour wrote: »

And on his side, does mostly just use porn for a quick **** - ie pop it on for 15 minutes do the deed then done? Or would he spend hours browsing it and downloading it before rubbing one out?

Yeh, quick w*nk. No he doesn't download it. The type of stuff he would look at would be little scenes with a theme in an office etc. It wouldn't be hardcore at all. But I guess when I see the women in it (natural dark haired beauties rather than the stereotypical pneumatic fake blondes that most men go for)

I am getting less sure what I am worrying about here.....maybe its the over focus on sex....but then again sex is what brought us together. It was explosive when we met, its still good now but y'know its nearly 3 years alater....Maybe we are cheapening it trying to maintain the buzz....?

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Hi OP

Have you tried going somewhere neutral and talking about how this is making you feel?
Not in an accusatory way - but just in terms of how it is affecting you?
> tiredness
> frustration
> impacting your self-esteem
> you are beginning to feel like a sex doll and not a sexual loved person?

I don't think I would ever do that, he would feel critisised and how can you ask someone to change what they are......if he is treating me like a sex doll, maybe thats all I ever was...?

Taltos wrote: »

Also indicate that it is beginning to impact how you view him and the relationship - and that you really really need his help with this.

But perhaps he doesn't care and once its said then its out there and can't be taken back....

Taltos wrote: »

It almost does sound like the initial frenzy of the relationship is still there - that can be wonderful if you are both still there - but working, life and stresses - well we all need down time. I would have been a bit like your OH, my OH though just cannot face sex during the week except rarely - too tired from work - not relaxed enough etc. So instead we look forward to the weekends. There is nothing wrong in him gratifying himself though - but maybe discretely might be best - this is not the kind of thing some people want shoved in their faces 24*7.

There is no way I could just give him sex at weekends. I don't want him feeling deprived, I don't want to be one of those people that suddenly changes the rules and stops putting out. If someone did that to me I would be so angry.

Taltos wrote: »

Has he also looked into other outlets? - Exercise, gym, walking, running, swimming or god forbid - video games or just reading?

But do talk -and let him know how severly his behaviour is impacting you both. Just remember - don't confront or make it all his fault - us guys can tend to be a little defensive if we think we are being called freaks or deviants...

He goes to something once a week but other than that he is home all the time. He was always quite clingy which I didn't mind......I don't know where I stand really...feel like I'm on shifting sands.

Danniboo

tired girl wrote: »

I don't think I would ever do that, he would feel critisised and how can you ask someone to change what they are......if he is treating me like a sex doll, maybe thats all I ever was...?



But perhaps he doesn't care and once its said then its out there and can't be taken back....



There is no way I could just give him sex at weekends. I don't want him feeling deprived, I don't want to be one of those people that suddenly changes the rules and stops putting out. If someone did that to me I would be so angry.



He goes to something once a week but other than that he is home all the time. He was always quite clingy which I didn't mind......I don't know where I stand really...feel like I'm on shifting sands.

OP if we are to believe all you mentioned about his good qualities and interests in life then I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't know what other advice people can offer you.

Taltos

Danniboo wrote: »

OP if we are to believe all you mentioned about his good qualities and interests in life then I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't know what other advice people can offer you.

Most especially as you do not want to or seem capable of sitting him down as the adult he is and letting him know how you feel.
I mean - a relationship is made up of 2 people - not just one, and here it seems clear you are prioritizing him in the fear that this will end it.
Wonder if it will end anyway. Just because you will not speak to him on this - it does not mean the challenge has been addressed - and how you felt a while ago will come back - just stronger until you blurt it all out - in an accusatory way - and that will be that - how do you climb down then...

Your call though and best of luck.

Emme

OP, ask yourself this. If one of your single friends said to you "If he's that bad give him to me" would you do it? I bet you wouldn't.

He sounds like a good guy despite the horniness but nobody's perfect. I bet if you sat him down and explained how you feel you'd come to some sort of compromise. Let him have his space to have his porn if that's what he wants, and he lets you have your space when you want it.

S23

I really don't think you are going to get much more advice than has already been given OP. Reading through I think most people have it covered.

I can give you my own impressions as I read through it. He does want sex way too much. And yes, there is such a thing as wanting sex too much. I'm not suggesting you are not a desriable woman but if he truly does want sex on the scale and frequency you suggest then its not always (perhaps even mostly not) about how attractive you are or how attracted he is to you. Its about fulfilling a need he has more than anything else. So from that point of view you have every right to feel upset and like a complete sex object because thats what you are.

However, as the thread progressed he went from a sex crazed lunatic whos sexual desires only abates for about 5 minutes after he cums (your own description) and is constantly wanting to a) have sex with you or failing that b) have a ****. And from your description you seem to mean constantly. Like on a minute to minute basis.

Yet further on he has morphed into the loving, caring, attentive, sporty, outgoing bloke who takes you out all the time to concerts and weekends away in between holding down his well paid steady job and spontaneously doing housework for you.

I'm afraid the 2 don't stack up. He cannot possibly as extreme with his sexual fervour as you suggest and find time to be as wonderful as you later stated. As someone pointed out, if his need for sex/masturbation is really as all encompassing as you say (and thats the whole point of this thread right?) then he can't possibly be doing all those wonderful things you talk about.

For what its worth, the sex thing seems to really bother you. I think thats fair enough. It doesn't matter if you have been with him 3 years and this is the way its always been. You are perfectly entitled to want a change of pace or whatever you want to call it. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.

Also, i'll put it this way. A lot of his plus points that you stated were based on his financial status. Full time employment, pays half of everything, treats and pressies all the time, lends you money, takes you on trips, takes you to concerts.

If thats all hes got to offer and he really is some sex crazed looney who spends all his time either trying to get a ride or **** then I'd say its time for you to move on to someone who can offer you a real relationship. And I'd guess that the monetary thing is a big reason in why you stay with him (maybe you've been with some lads who weren't quite so financially independent before)

However, if he really truly is as nice, funny, caring, attentive and all that, as you make out then he quite simply can't be as far gone with this need to fcuk/masturbate as you say. The two things are mutually exclusive. He can't be both. He either spends ALL his time with this sex obsession. Or he's nowhere near as obsessed as you make out and he does have some kind of real relationship with you

Barracudaincork

profitius wrote: »

When he looks at porn hes dreaming of other women and not about you. Its the first step on the road to cheating.

Maybe you dream of the other person and not your OH, not everyone does and maybe porn may led you to cheating, but it doesnt lead everyone. I for one never do either the first and it most certainly wouldnt lead to the second.

Lillylilly

Lads, I think you're all being a bit harsh on the OP. It is completely possible for someone to have a personality, do bits of housework, buy presents, attend concerts, have a job and hobbies while still appearing to use his partner as a piece of sex meat! Regardless of the person he is (caring, sporty, attentive, whatever..), the girl that started the thread feels like an object purely there to satisfy her partner's needs. She has genuine issues with this, THAT is the main issue of the post- not whether or not her partner has a sex addiction.

OP, I empathise with you. It's sad that this is how you feel in a relationship where you care so much for your partner. Yes, it's nice to feel attractive and wanted through sex, and your partner clearly does want you- but you need to speak to him about this and tell him that you feel used.

BroomBurner

My post seems to have disappeared, sorry if I post twice.OP, did your feelings change towards your BF after you recently watched porn together? It sounds like your self-esteem may have taken a knocking from watching this, and now you are just thinking that all your BF is thinking about is the porn and the women in the films. Whether he is, or isn't, you can never know what's in his head, but you both seem to have busy, fulfilled lives, so maybe he's not. Would you be prone to over-thinking in other things?