need advice

bridf

My partner and I are living together nearly two years. At the moment we are sleeping in seperate beds because of intimacy issues and our arguements over them. When we were dating we often made love three or four times a week, when we moved in together it started to tail of to two times a week, then once a week and then once nearly every two weeks. The thing is when we don't make love we don't french kiss, lie naked beside each other, touch or nothing else, it is just friendly hugs, peck like kisses and holding hands. All of this has pained me hugely and caused us to row. He would accuse me of objectifying him sexually when I would raise this issue, or when I said nothing he would keep asking whats wrong, whats wrong and eventually I would say how I was feeling and he would get upset. I know now the problem is with him. The thing is the last time we were close to breaking up I suggested sleeping apart. We have been sleeping apart for nearly two weeks and he admitted that whilst he loves me and finds me attractive, he has not felt any sexual desire towards me, I said I knew this because I sensed it. He also admitted that he felt relaxed and happy for the first time in ages and he said that he couldn't understand why he doesn't feel desire for me so he is going to see the doctor, he is on medication for a few things, but I should add that he has had no problems getting erections and sometimes he can orgasm, so it is not a physical issue, he hinted at the fact that he thinks it is physchological and he said that the doctor may suggest counselling, now in the past I have suggested couple counselling and he refused point blank, so I said to him that I will support him if he chooses to go to counselling. The thing is though he said that we should sleep in the same bed together because if not we could get too used to sleeping apart. I cannot do this because I cannot share a bed with a man that I love and deisre but who does not desire me. What I wanted was other people's opinions on this problem, I don't understand how a man can love me and be attracted to me but feel no desire for me, it is cutting me up inside and I know I cannot share a bed and be like friends in the bed. That is **** for me, the thing is he felt desire for me once, can he feel it again or is it gone, can a man love and be attracted to a woman but feel nothing sexually for her. I feel extremely confused and very hurt.
There is no point in advising me to dress up or us watch porn as all that stuff disgusts him.

I should add that he said he would be very alone without me, he was married before for a long time and that was a loveless marriage too for the large part of it.

Miss Fluff

bridf wrote: »

We have been sleeping apart for nearly two weeks and he admitted that whilst he loves me and finds me attractive, he has not felt any sexual desire towards me, I said I knew this because I sensed it.

So he essentially loves you as a friend it would seem. What a terrible old predicament to be in. I think if you want to save the relationship or are prepared to really work at it then couples counselling should be an immediate priority. If he's not willing to do that then I don't honestly see how you have much of a future together. Does he think that the current situation is normal? And was it intimacy issues that caused his first marriage to break down?

LegacyUser

Wow, reading your post is like looking in a mirror. Firstly well done on the separate beds idea here you are clearly taking a stand and showing him this is not normal relationship behaviour.

I will get slatted for this but if someone is not ill or not having a major trauma in their lives or stress,it is not acceptable to not sleep with your partner.It is cruel and whats worse is that you will never get explanation as to why.

When this happened to me even tho at the time i didn;t realise my selfesteem was badly effected !I look back at pics of myself and i am misserable.If like me you need sex in a relationship get out now !! Save yourself he won't change he loves you like a sister or a friend this is not a relationship which will lead to strong commitment in later years.

You will end up cheating I did and i still feel totally justified for doing so (back to poor self esteem) i kissed 4 people on nights out nothing more,but i needed to feel attractive!! Don't let this turn you into a cheater !!

You deserve to be loved in everyway and this exisits,I found a wonderfull new man and the sex is amazing we talk everyday he is my best friend and makes me feel completely adored


Life throws some difficult punches and if you are sharing your life with someone who deams you okish (this is what he's doing) they you will not be strong enough to weather the storm.

You can try to go to councilling etc but you have to ask yourself if things stay the same can you live like that ?

Best of luck with everything my heart goes out to you xx